Just raging over a documentary film

I just saw this really bad documentary about transmen, on Youtube. There's so much wrong with it, I don't know where to begin. But they really made transguys seem like total freaks in a horrible way. Just no. It's exactly this kind of thing that makes it hard for any trans* identified person to be taken seriously. And it wasn't just the sex scenes that made me want to look away...

They talked about that all trans people were of a third gender, which I think is total bullshit. First of all, you don't get to decide what gender someone else is, no matter what you think of them. I've had people telling me that I'm some sort of third gender or "in between" but fuck that. I'm a man and no one gets to tell me otherwise! Doesn't matter what my body looks like, or anyone else's body for that matter, it's what you identify as.

At least I had a lot of backing up comments to that video, a lot of people agreeing with me. You rarely see that on Youtube. There was transgendered and cisgendered people stating that we are not freaks because we are trans, and they are so right.

Maybe you don't think I'm the right person for that opinion, but in that case you might not know me so well. I am a freak, yes, but not because of my gender and definitely not in the way they insinuated in the film. They were perverts taking pride in being as different and queer as they possibly could (no, that's not an exaggeration!) stating that every transgendered individual was also a pervert and a freak. Now that is crossing the line.

Of course they can be as queer or perverted as they like (heck, I might be a little pervy at times too) but it's a totally different thing forcing that on someone else. An entire group of people for that matter. A group that has already gotten way too much shit shoved down their throat for way too long. I've had it with that crap. Stop dehumanising transgendered people for fucks sake.




If you want to see the documentary, just search "enough man ftm" on Youtube and it should pop up.

Following the pattern

So I figured out that "three days of misery" -cycle yesterday? Anxiety, sadness, anger and then it starts over again. So yesterday was day four with anxiety again, and today... wait for it... I'm riddled with sadness. So I'm "looking forward" to get anger tomorrow then. Seems very repetitive, can't I get something new instead? Oh, have to be careful what I wish for, cause it might just come true.

It's heavy, this sadness. As if there was a weight on me, a pressure of some sort. I don't know why I feel so sad though. If it's the music I listen to, the memories that haunt me, the weather outside my window, or the mess of things occupying this room. Everything I think of becomes sad in a way, I see the gloom in everything.

Starving is like sliding down a hill. It tears you up and wears you out. No... I do try.

Ok, how the hell does one lose a pack of eggs? I hereby resign from life. Seriously, I bought them yesterday, but I've somehow lost them completely. I don't care, I won't look for them, I won't do anything that involves eggs or any other household thing. Just gonna do the only thing I'm good at: sit on my ass and feel like shit.

Yeah, I'm just having a bad day... week... month... year... life. Seriously, this sucks. It's like I'm lost in a darkness somewhere and no matter how much light I bring I still can't see anything. Maybe that means that I'm blind. Figuratively, I think that I am blind, cause I can only see darkness.

I may not have a main character in WoW, but I think that Izanamí is my favourite character. Maybe that counts, and also that I still can't stop playing with him. I log in every day, and I always start with doing quests as Izanamí. I think I'll call him my main. He kinda deserves it.



Soundtrack: "I want it all" by Queen.

The fury within me

I can't deal with this. I just freaked so horribly because my computer decided to have an emergency shut down right when I was writing and playing WoW. Sure these simple note pad programs are handy and easy to use, but if it's lost somehow, it's lost forever. To be honest I don't really know what I lost, nor do I even care about it.

It's just that the way inanimate objects tend to live their own lives drives crazy. And I mean screaming, crying, hitting things, hitting myself, drinking, cutting, cursing kinda crazy. The sort of pure fury no one cant really understand unless you've experienced it yourself. And there is nothing more destructive than that. I somewhat managed to control myself this time though.

Yes, I both screamed and cried and also hit things, but I didn't touch the computer. I didn't know what to do with myself, almost tore off my eyebrow piercing even. It's like that extreme anger is a life force on its own, possessing my body, making me unable to control any of my muscles. It's like a directed spasm, stronger than a fucking orgasm even. It's that overwhelming, but I can't make anyone understand. I'm not me when I get that angry, I become something else.