Reminder and freak out

Oh fuck, I had somehow forgotten... what if I'm pregnant?! I never got myself tested since that guy I fucked came in me. That stalker guy whom I eventually ended up having sex with despite being creeped out by him. He came in my vag at least once, maybe it was twice. When even was that... one or two months ago? Er, no idea. Okay my older blog post about that event tells me that was August 12th, which is a little over 5 weeks ago.

That could maybe possibly explain my weird stomach pains and possibly my extreme cravings for cake and chocolate. But I mean of course it's not likely... right? Like maybe I would have noticed more symptoms if I'm really 5 weeks pregnant? Like I've gotten no morning sickness, but then not everyone does. And uh okay according to google that wouldn't likely happen before week 6 anyhow. However I've been kinda bloated... I did notice a week or so ago that my stomach does look a bit bigger than normally, which I thought was weird, cause I've not gotten bigger anywhere else... which is not normal for how fat usually adds onto my body when I gain weight. It usually only goes onto my thighs/ass. And I rarely ever get bloated.

I did look up symptoms for week 5 and I only have about half of those. 2 of them I can't get, which are missed period and breast changes. But the ones I do recognise myself in are food cravings, constipation (but this happens rather frequently for me anyway), abdominal cramps, bloating, lightheadedness, and some more fatigue than usual. Okay I'm getting really fucking angsty and nauseous from reading that website. Ugh.

But this is making me seriously worried... Even though I know it's unlikely cause of the testo, it could still be possible. Testosterone is not a birth control. I should probably at least just fucking try to remember buying some pregnancy tests from the pharmacy just to still my worries about it if not else. While also trying to be mentally prepared for the worst. And for the panic that would likely ensure if those tests would somehow show positive.

I can feel it twisting and turning in my stomach just thinking about the possibility of something like a tiny baby growing in me... and ugh just writing that makes me want to crawl out of my skin. And Anna asks me: "What would you do with it if you're pregnant?" and all I could say was: "Please don't ask me that." So apparently I'm still battling with that. Perhaps I am not entirely sure if I might want a kid or not, and the thought of maybe having to choose... kinda terrifies me.

If I'd want a kid though, I likely wouldn't mind carrying it myself or even giving birth. I wouldn't be dysphoric about it, and it could be a rather beautiful experience. Yeah birthing would be painful, duh, but also so what. But right now I'm kinda panicking about it cause I'm so fucking unprepared and the timing couldn't possibly be worse, and because I don't know if I'd wanna keep it or not. Also I wouldn't be able to do it in a very healthy way, and so I'd worry about the kid being born wrong. Like with birth defects and what not. Like no way I could stay away from cigarettes for 9 freaking months, or from coffee for that matter. And I likely wouldn't be able to eat more healthy or quit my medication that could very likely be harmful for a kid. And also, I've just quit testosterone. Even if I'm pregnant now it likely wouldn't survive the very high levels of that hormone that are still in my system, and my estrogen levels are also likely very low. If that's so, I'll likely get a miscarriage soon if I haven't already. That could also explain the random pains from my reproductive system that I've been getting lately... They're pretty intense pains. Like knife-sharp kinda intense. However if I'd get a miscarriage that would solve my problem of not wanting to make a decision. If my body would simply choose for me.

Yeah yeah I fucking get it. I should be more careful with my sexual escapades. Unless I really do want to plop out the kid of a total stranger who was a really annoying and kinda creepy guy. Well, depends on his medical history, I guess. But also, no I don't think that's the actually important thing to worry about in terms of that. I think the most important factor with that is: I would not be able to raise a kid alone. I can't even raise myself alone! Or a house plant! And also if I got a kid now (or 8 months from now), I'd be even more stuck on this island and even more dependent on my parents' support. And they really don't want grandkids. So just no. But ugh this scares me. I don't want to have to make that decision. Of standing there with a pregnancy with the only two options being: abortion or carrying it to term. But I also have to find out if that's what I'm stuck with, before it gets too late to even get it legally aborted or I'd be standing there with just one option. I think "too late" would be week 18. But for my own personal opinions on abortion, I'd morally and emotionally probably not be able to do it after week 10-ish. So I still have time, but not forever.

I don't know if I want a kid. Maybe I do. Despite everything I've said so far about me vehemently not wanting one. But it scares the living crap out of me regardless. Because now is simply not a good time, and I don't think I'd be a good mother, but also I'm probably not very fertile at all, plus ageing... if I am pregnant now, despite how unlikely it is... it might be the only chance I could get. So wasting that chance... I might not wanna do, despite this being a very bad timing for it. And I'm also scared I'd regret aborting it. That it would haunt me and I'd not be able to let go of that child that could have been. Then I don't know if I'd rather live with that, or let that child exist even if I'd end up not being able to take care of it properly, or if it could end up with birth defects. But then morally I think that would be very cruel to do to the kid. If it was someone else I'd call them selfish and irresponsible. But I would, for whatever it's worth, at least try to get healthier for a pregnancy then.

I do feel somewhat of a very latent yearning for kids, deep within my mind. But I don't know if that is just my biological inclination for simply being female and an adult so my brain telling me to reproduce; and not a true wish from my own heart, if raising a kid is something I actually want. I think I still, for the most part, don't want to allow myself a kid, because I'm scared I'd hurt it. Either during the pregnancy itself, or by neglect, or by being actually abusive. My temper is an issue, my lack of patience also. Like if the kid would scream a lot, I think I'd eventually just ignore it and drown out the noise with music in headphones. And letting it go around in dirty clothes cause I can't bring myself to do laundry. And feeding it with the same dirty bottle cause I can't bring myself to clean it. And scream and curse at the kid when it frustrates me or won't listen. That I might start treating it like an inanimate object that annoys me and forget that it's human. And forget about it for hours at a time cause I was listening to music or playing WoW and just in my own world. And it would also likely be so mentally demanding of me that I'd just either get a mental breakdown instantly or need to hand it over to someone else more often than not. Not exactly parenting 101.

And then that little practical issue about that I'd simply be physically unable to breastfeed, which would further reduce my chances of bonding with the kid. Also, notice how I keep referring to what could be my child as an "it" instead of "they" or "he/she"? I'm de-humanising it. So I might want a kid but would I really be able to care for, or emotionally connect to it, or even see it as a human being? I'm getting a headache just thinking about it...

I know I shouldn't worry about this now before even having found out if I'm knocked up or not. But I can't help that my head is spinning around it, and I think I just need to vent these thoughts. I've probably forgotten about it again soon. I'm not terribly upset about it. I'm mostly just... I dunno, slightly upset but more just confused, I think. I don't really know what I'm feeling. Some amount of fear, but it's not really all that intense. A longing and wanting that I don't want to admit to having. I know it's unlikely, but I think what actually spawns most of this fear is that some part of me... wants for me to be pregnant. And the other parts of me are attacking that hint of a wanting as though it is a virus. I don't want to want it. I don't want to accept wanting it. And this might also be why I've been having unprotected sex so carelessly, because on some level I do want a child to come out of it. Well, fuck.

So, this ranting and this fear has more to do with my sudden knowing of that on some level it seems I do want a kid, but I don't know how genuine that wish is or if it would be wise to let it ever have its way. But then of course I'm also kinda panicking about if I'm really pregnant already or not, as well as not quite understanding how I could literally forget about it. But if I am, just if and it's the biggest IF you can imagine... oh hell will be raised within me. Cause I'd then really struggle to make a decision whether to keep it or get rid of it. But let's take that fight then, if that's the case. There's really no use for me to worry about that right now. So, see this rant more as me venting my suddenly shifting point of view about parenthood in general. But that shift was caused by me thinking "What if I'm pregnant right now?" however. And I do still worry if I am. I'll try to get those damn pregnancy tests bought tomorrow. And if I could just stop squeezing my stomach to then panic about what could be growing in it, and repeat that every 5th minute, that would be awesome!

Dark sides of hookups

So I've decided to meet up with a new guy again, on Thursday, and he'll be staying here with me for a few days. I do feel iffy about him and I don't know why I agreed to meet him. Yeah, I'm "thinking with my pussy" and my sex addiction is taking me places again. I felt iffy about him from the start, as he sent me 4 or 5 messages on qruiser asking if he could crash at my place and fuck me. I ignored him then. Then he sent me text messages to my phone, but I had not given him my number. I asked him how he got it and he said he had dug up my real name from some old diary posts I had made on qruiser and then looked me up online. Creepy.

Then we started talking on the phone as well, and the way he went on and on about wanting to be in a relationship with me and kept bringing up how he "wouldn't mind it" if he got me knocked up... eeeh kinda gets my feelings in a twist about this whole thing. I told him up front that if he got me knocked up I'd get rid of the kid asap cause I don't want kids. I don't think the message got through to him. Cause he just kept saying it would work out cause of being two people caring for the kid, etc. It says on his (very bare) profile that he wants kids. Well I'm not gonna give him one. And about the relationship nagging I've been more vague, like saying "we'll see about that" like we haven't even met yet even. That is creepy too. This is by far the creepiest guy I've ever decided to have sex with and I know I shouldn't.

I really have to learn to say no when they're giving me bad vibes like this. Or my insatiable pussy is gonna be the end of me. Especially now that I'm getting several times over more attention on hookup sites cause of being a cis girl, meaning I'm just gonna have to say no to some people or I won't even be able to fit them all into my schedule without a "time-turner" and my risk of getting harmed and into trouble will or has already increased massively. I can't just keep saying yes to every single guy who wants to fuck me or it's gonna fuck me up. Because that's exactly what I'm doing. Yep, I've got problems. And they're huge.

Being a girl who's a sex addict and insatiable for hookups really does have a huge list of both pros and and cons. I expected this, but oh man, was I not prepared! Girls seeking hookups like this is very rare and very wanted, so, they tend to get very drowned in sexual attention on such sites. That much I knew, but I was not prepared for actually receiving that sort of reality, and I was not prepared for the consequences. Couple of days ago when I looged into qruiser after having been offline for just 2 days or so, my inbox was filled with 40 new unread messages. That is an extreme record, as before it had never been more than 10. Over 30 of those were men wanting to have sex with me. Some of them are inevitably gonna be creeps and/or dangerous.

But I definitely have thought about that, like what if I would someday want a kid, despite really not wanting to now? It likely woudn't happen even if I at some point would want to. I don't think it would be the greatest idea to raise a kid entirely on my own (or with a random creep from online), so I'd need a partner. Someone I could stand being around a little longer than 10 months. And I'm unlikely to find someone like that anytime soon. Being a smoker with a crappy diet and fucked up sleep pattern that I can't change wouldn't go well together with a pregnancy either.

The kid would likely also get asperger's due to my genes and I'm not sure I could handle a kid with special needs when I can't even handle my own special needs. I'm almost 30 and I know fertility starts going down noticably at around age 35, and there's just no way I could possibly have all I need and everything in order and actually want a kid, within 6 or so years from now. Also it's not certain at all that I'm still fertile from all these years of taking testosterone. So if I'd start trying for a kid sometime after age 35, I likely wouldn't succeed. So on that note I think it's better if I'd be fine with staying child-less, well, forever. Even if I'd change my mind sometime later on and suddenly want a kid, reality is that it's likely too late by then. I'll get cats instead, as soon as I can. I'd love to raise some cats.

I'm just thinking pragmatically and these thoughts popped up cause I'm suddenly getting a little scared about if this creepy dude I'll see on Thursday might actually knock me up and if I'd run into trouble having it aborted then. Like I don't know just how creepy that dude is. He could threaten me to keep it, for all I know. But then I also wouldn't have to tell him, so hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. But it does still make my stomach turn a bit.

I really should unbook with this guy. He's giving me such bad vibes, this doesn't feel safe. Am I walking into a trap? If only I could actually know. I don't know how to say 'no' and decline. I know that comes from the rape. That if I'd say no I'd be talked into it and/or forced and then I'd rather force myself into it despite not wanting to or being scared of the guy. Self-defense became self-harm. I don't know to learn to say no cause I keep trying to but I can't make myself do it and always give in eventually. I freeze up, lose my words and agree instead, or am vague and scared and then agree. It's not good.

Well what are my issues with this particular guy then? He gives me extremely intense stalker vibes. Like first he was very persistent on qruiser when I didn't respond, then he basically "doxxed" me and found my cell phone number which he texted me to, then now he won't stop texting me for even an hour. I swear he sends me at least one (but up to 8) texts per hour. Mostly I ignore them or give short answers seldom. And he's been very persistent and creepy about wanting to be in a relationship with me. Like we seriously didn't even know of each other's existence a week ago and barely know anything about each other, but he keeps talking about how much he wants to be in a relationship, moving in together, having kids together, yeah am I getting the point across? He's completely unreasonable and high stalker factor here.

I think actually meeting him and having sex with him in my own home could put me in danger. I don't think he'd want to let go quickly if I do that, and giving him my adress and access to my home could be a very bad move. I'm not sure he'd let go quickly even if I don't, and actually abort the mission instead. He's seriously giving me the creeps and I think I have good reason to be worried about his intentions, even though I could of course also be wrong about my fears and he might just be very socially inept but harmless. Well, my gut is telling me this is dangerous and I should not do it. My intellect tells me the same and in this moment even my pussy is having doubts about him. Like I'm not even getting horny at all thinking about meeting him anymore. Those are some pretty clear signs and red flags my body is giving me. I don't know if I think he'd actually physically hurt me, but he does seem to be very psychologically... demanding. Like he's not respecting my boundaries or personal space much at all. I even told him that I didn't want to chat constantly but he completely ignored that. That alone raised my suspicions.

Well I guess I'm just gonna have to hope I can get him to back off if I can manage to cancel this meeting, or I might have to look into getting a restraining order and/or change my phone number. Yikes, these are the dark sides to internet hookups... Cause you have literally no idea when you might hook up with someone actually dangerous.

Is there a higher risk of straight guys being like this? Dangerous, I mean. Yeah, in the sense that there are many more straight guys than there are bi and gay guys, percentually the vast majority of dangerous men are straight, logically. But I mean... am I in bigger danger as a woman than I was as a man, looking for male hookups? Perhaps I am cause there is another factor to it: that I get a lot more attention from men on those sites as a woman than I ever did as a man. About 4 or 5 times as much attention, if not more. That, in and of itself, inevitably increases the risk. Well, perhaps don't be surprised if I end up raped and murdered while wearing next to nothing in a ditch somewhere at some point... I've lived a tragic life, so I don't suppose my death will be any less tragic. It will likely be the cherry on top of that miserable cake I called life.

That doesn't bother me though. I think the dead likely don't care much about how they died. It's the ones they left behind that care about how their loved ones died. But it doesn't really matter to me how or when exactly I'll die, as long as my mind is still functioning at least until close to death-moment.

But anyhow, this got a little too dark. Sorry about that. I digressed. I don't think this particular hookup would kill me and dump me in a ditch. But I do fear he might get obsessive with me and contact me constantly and possibly even act as though we're in a relationship together and get jealous and keep pushing me about moving in together and getting babies and just... well, that should be enough of a reason. I mean, I think that's enough reason to be worried about meeting him, even though I don't fear for my life per se. Getting killed by a hookup would suck really bad, but getting a stalker on my hands would also fucking suck. I don't think he would kill me, I really don't. Although it's possible he might get threatening and/or abusive. And well, that scares me too.

The dark side of hookup culture is definitely accidentally hooking up with stalkers, rapists, killers, etc. I'm gonna really have to learn to say no when I get bad vibes like this, but I just don't know how? Usually if there's someone I'm not interested in or feel iffy about I just ignore them. But this guy I couldn't ignore cause he got my number and wouldn't stop texting. He doesn't seem to understand that he crossed a line with that, and I can't seem to convey that he did. I don't know how to stand up for myself about such things and how to not back down when being given a crappy explanation or no explanation at all. But I do fully understand it's a totally bad thing to just keep saying yes even when I don't want it for the sake of it not turning into rape or being talked into meeting up after having said no. That I'd rather hurt myself than being hurt by others. That I'd take the fall for them. And it's damaging me. Or, I'm pretty sure that does damage me in some way.

Cause it's like I break my own trust in myself, kinda. Like going against my gut feeling and forcing myself to have sex with guys I don't want to have sex with because I can't say no to them. That's almost like self-rape too. And that is me breaching my own boundaries. I don't think many people understand how much it fucks you up to let someone you're really not into feel you up and fuck your holes when you'd rather just run away, simply cause you can't say no. And for what? Isn't it just as bad to be hurt by someone else as it is to hurt yourself, in the same manner and degree? I don't know. It could actually be worse. To betray yourself instead of being hurt by someone random. Cause who should you be able to trust, if not yourself? Well I really can't trust myself. At all. I'm a hazard to myself. There's nothing I can trust myself to not do.

I don't know if that's an aspect of my sex addiction or really just a distorted aspect of hyper-vigilance due to the trauma. I mean distorted in the sense that it derives from hyper-vigilance as a form of self-defense, but is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy in which I achieve the very thing I'm trying to avoid: getting hurt. That it's sexual as well as compulsive, makes it kinda overlap with my sex addiction or be an aspect of that too. I can't quite tell them apart.

I kinda think less of myself for that sex addiction now though. And it's sexist. Cause as a man I thought it was almost kinda normal, in a way. Like guys are naturally more sexual and more often into casual sex and such. Like I was still clearly extra with my sexuality even for a guy... but now? As a woman I'm completely and utterly crazy with my sexual ways compared to other women on average, like it's not normal even in the slightest sense. That as a woman my sex addiction and sexual behaviours are clearly outrageous. And that perspective kinda weighs on me a bit. It's both because of societal norms and simply biology.

I mean, according to nature (applies to most mammals) females are hardwired to be protective of their pussies to avoid getting pregnant too often and with bad mates, while males are hardwired to want to spread their seeds everywhere to get their genes going and knock up as many females as possible. And society enforces that by saying women should "keep their legs closed" and men get praised for being more sexually active. It is a stereotype, but it is based on biology and natural breeding habits that apply to many more species than just humans. So it's not really sexist, but I'm sure it comes across like that for some people (who are probably not reading this). And so, my sexuality going beyond the opposite to what my nature says and giving my female ass the sexual behaviour of an extreme male... kinda messes with me a little bit.

But at the same time I don't want for it to be any different. I like being this overly sexual, unemotional about it and fucking hookups. In fact I wish for it to stay the same after I've gone off testo. But likely it won't. I just wish I could keep at least half of my current libido. I think I'd be miserable if it drops to zero again. But maybe it won't go down all that much actually, considering this kind of "effect" to get from solely testo, is kinda rare. I mean likely it's not only testo that makes me this intensely sexual. But we'll see, I guess.

That is basically the only thing about testo that I want to keep exactly how it currently already is. Yeah, and my fat distribution. But that's not enough to make me want to stay on it.

I still have one more day to try to make myself cancel this meeting with this guy, and the sooner the better. Cause fuck me sideways if I don't, huh?

The darker half

I had a meeting with that welfare officer again today, and I was pretty blunt with her. She noticed my personality change and said I was different this time. I don't know what to think of that, didn't think it was actually that noticeable.

Anyway, I finally asked her why we're having these meetings, what's her role in this whole deal. She said my doctor (who left me) wanted me to have someone to check up on me meanwhile I'm waiting for another doctor. Especially regarding self harm and suicidal thoughts. She got worried, that welfare officer, that I wasn't gonna see my shrink until August again. I told her I could just get in contact with my shrink whenever if I needed her. She still didn't want to let go of me.

Fucking cunt, I despise her. I don't need more people who think they need to look after me. My whole life is care takers and shrinks and doctors and I'm so sick of it. So sick of being treated like I'm a fragile little glass doll. I might not be able to take care of myself, but I'm very capable of making my own decisions.

I'm on a waiting list to see my new doctor, which will probably be sometime in June. I really need to see her, cause I think I need to up my Abilify, but don't know how to handle that. I need it for my psychotic tendencies, but I can't mention that. Seriously, I'm shifting personalities and seeing signs and messages everywhere. I'm on the brink again and I really don't want to fall down into that black abyss again.

So I don't know how to handle that. I finally succeeded to get antipsychotic drugs, but they're not doing shit and I can't tell doctors that I'm psychotic. Someone please kill me now... I don't know how much longer I can handle this on my own.

Shit, I'm still the dark me and I can't shift back. What if one day I get stuck like this? If I one day can never shift back? I realise that when I was reckless and didn't care about anyone, when I had thoughts of cannibalism and murder with sociopathic tendencies, when I was cold and heartless: I was the dark me. I don't want to fully become that. It scares me. Maybe I have no reason to worry, but it still scares me.

Even if I don't need to worry, I still believe there is a small chance of that to happen. I've heard about it before, in other people's cases. So I have heard about it before then? Not necessarily personality shifts as such, but of people who have been through traumas that they start to shut down eventually, gradually, until they're not themselves anymore. I'm afraid of that happening to me.

I'm just making it worse by not doing anything about it. I'm getting desperate. I'm not even sure that antipsychotic drugs can help me with that. I need to talk it out with my shrink, but first I need to survive the summer and the autumn and possibly the winter as well. Yeesh, things are going so damn slow and I'm falling so fast.

I really hoped I could meet them in Huddinge and fill out the papers for Rättsliga Rådet already this summer, but of course they're all on leave/vacation. I really hoped I could get my gender reassigned before the autumn, but no. And then things will take even longer after that. I have don't have all the time in the world, okay? Don't think they realise that, cause I won't tell them why. Just hurry the fuck up you fuckers, I don't wanna be stuck like this forever.

That worry

Oh my god, I'm so worried right now. He seems to have someone on his mind, someone that he likes, but I don't know who it could possibly be. Please don't fall in love with someone else, please don't enter a new relationship that I'm not a part of, please don't leave me like this...

I don't even know if I have a chance anymore. Maybe I never did. But why? Why do I keep falling for unobtainable people? I cannot fall for the few who have fallen for me (I can count to two, maybe three in my whole life, I'm really not very loveable) and I end up miserable I always do in the end.

Why is this always happening? Can it ever be us? If I just hold on a little longer, just a little longer. Or act now, right fucking now in a desperate attempt to make him realise what he might lose if he goes to someone else. Oh god, I can't do that to him. I don't want to give him guilt because I can't handle my fucking feelings for him.

I'm just ranting, it's like I can't breathe right but I do. I can't think straight. Could it be me, could it even? Is it even remotely possible? I live so far away and we've only really met once. I'm an internet friend and that's probably all he knows. He probably doesn't know that I'm constantly blogging about him, that he's constantly on my mind and I can't live without him.

What would he think if he knew? Cause what if he does. What if he does and the only reason he hasn't come forward is to not hurt my feelings cause he doesn't feel the same way? I've thought about that before, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

I'm so scared of losing him, even though I know that he's not mine to lose. I can't imagine the pain if he someday soon shows up to be in a relationship with someone knew, before we meet again. What would I say when we meet then? Would it just be a total disaster or won't I even be able to tell him? Would I even be able to tell him?

Why can't I frigging plan around it, prepare myself for the worst. I've never been very good at that, cause somehow the worst I can imagine still isn't as bad as the outcome. I sense that I lack some imagination in that area. So what will I do then? Calm down, one thing at a time, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Fucking shit, I have another sleepless night ahead of me. Not again! I'm tired of that crap too and all I want to do is to sleep my pain away and wake up rested and peaceful. But I never do. Not after nights like this.

Please, can someone tell me what to do? I can't really stand this much longer. I can't ask him who it is. If he had wanted me or anyone else to know he wouldn't be so secretive about it. It's killing me but I have to respect that. I just have to.

Somehow I need to put this to rest, or at least try to take it as it comes. I can't keep thinking about it, worrying about it. It will only tear me to pieces. Unrecognisable pieces and I don't think I'll ever be able to repair myself again. That much is my happiness worth right now. It's very fragile and something like this would shatter it in a heartbeat and forever break my heart.

Loving you since June

I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.

That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?

I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.

No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.

But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.

And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."

Changes

Slept fairly well tonight. Apart from the dreams about embarrassing conversations, illegal immigrants, molested nuns and a guy torturing someone.

So how long am I gonna have nightmares for? It feels like I don't really get any rest from sleeping, like I wake up exhausted in need for some real rest. Though I know that they reflect the fears that I carry. Fears for the present and the future.

What are my fears? I'm not sure. But I think it's about the complications after my surgery, of not passing, of never being able to be anywhere close to happy, about dying. Those are the general, I suppose. The biggest fears that haunt me today.

Anxiety about what may or may not happen. How things will turn out and how long it's gonna take, what is out of my power. I rarely fear what is in my power to change, things that I can change. I'm willing to change now, just give me the possibility to do that.

It's like I think I have the means, but not able to use them. Like I know what to do but have to wait until I can do it. The thought has occurred to me, that maybe I'm willing to take the risks and start anyway, without waiting. Cause I've waited too damn long already.

We'll see what I'll do, if I can figure it out. Cause I've gotta change, while the energy is still in me, before I collapse and give up again. I don't want to allow that to happen, but it's not that simple. It just happens, you know. And I want to remember this year as the year when I finally turned things around. Yes, this year, not the next or the one after that.

If that means beating odds or risking things, I don't care. So be it. There are always risks, with everything that is worth fighting for. But is my life worth fighting for? Well, technically it's the only thing I have to fight for, and that's enough of a reason. I'm done waiting.

When there's no escape

Let's talk about pain. It does things to you. It makes you do things you didn't think you'd ever do. As a kid I never wanted to drink or do drugs, I swore I'd never do that. I never got desperate enough to take a whole bottle of pills or get so drunk I couldn't stand on my own feet cause I couldn't deal with my headache. Because I wanted to escape.

I remember the first few months after it got chronic. I was sixteen and just wanted to lead a normal life, go to school and meet new friends. Become something, have a job that I didn't hate. Of course I still wanted to be different, that's not what I mean. It was so hard to come to terms with it and accept it. It took almost a year before I gave up on trying to understand and cure it.

Now when I take something, recommended dosage of painkillers or something more of a dangerous amount, I just try to get rid of the worst of it. It never works anymore. Not even morphine and I think it's because it isn't physical anymore. There's this thing with our brains, it remembers pain and can make you experience it even if you aren't actually in pain anymore. It's hard to explain, cause I don't fully understand it.

There is no cure, there is nothing I can do. Most days I accept it, try to work around it somehow, anyhow. Find my limits, when to stop or slow down. I can't even go to School anymore. It is that disabling, cause after one or two School days in a row it becomes so strong I have to go home and rest for a week. Aside from the other mental problems that hits the roof at about that time or even sooner. With slight social anxiety, dysphoria, psychotic symptoms and a splitting headache you just don't work in society.

It makes me nuts sometimes, all of that, but I can handle most of it, with rest and time, but not the headache. Psychotic episodes eventually fade, dysphoria goes down when I'm back at home again, social anxiety goes away when I'm away from social situations. But the headache never goes away. Ever. It doesn't matter how much I rest or whatever I do or don't do.

I wish there was something that could be done about it. My ideas have been everything from crazy to stupid. Like when I want to literally be beheaded or when I cut myself only to ease the headache. Sometimes it works a bit, the latter that is, which is kinda sad.

Right now I'm worried I'd get a fever. Cause if I do it's likely an infection and I have to go to the emergency ward. Don't want to spend my Easter that way.

Anna says: Don't be afraid of your own body.
I respond: There's nothing I am more afraid of.

Wishes and wisdom

I just saw this episode of Torchwood, one of them that I remembered most vividly from the first time I saw the whole series. In that episode there's a device that can show you glimpses of the past, the future or your own death. It just shook me so strongly this time, something Jack said, but I can't remember it now. I remember thinking that was a cool device to have first time I saw that episode years ago, but now... all I could think of is all the despair such a device could bring mankind.

Perhaps I am too old for this young body, cause I always seem to recognise myself the most in fictive characters who are way old, immortal. Characters like Jack Harkness, vampires, wizards, ghosts and so on. I don't even know if I'm that wise or anything, it's more of a vague sensation. That I know stuff I'm not supposed to, like I know too much, about things a 24 year old shouldn't.

I wouldn't consider myself that old, not in my mind at least. It's more like I've transcended age completely and now I'm neither young nor old, beyond time. And maybe that's why I my conception of time is so fucked up, why I take things so slow and can keep calm in situations others panic over. It's like I just know without knowing what it is that I know; does that make any sort of sense at all? That things will sort themselves out eventually and turn out the way they're supposed to, no matter what you do.

Those things that I know I don't know how to share, because either no one's listening, or it's something they have to find out for themselves. Mostly it's the latter, and some things I don't want anyone else to find out. Not that I want to keep anyone in the dark about it, it's just that it's most likely too much to handle. You know I've been struggling with it. The meaning of life, how I'm gonna die, things about how time works, memories from past lives and so on.

I'm divided, if I would want to keep my knowledge as it is or to never have gained it in the first place. It's an awful burden, yet a wonderful gift. Not very comforting and terribly upsetting. But also an asset and helpful in understanding the world and to accept it as it is.

Some things I have already accepted. Like that life is unfair and that I can't possibly stop myself from killing myself that one day when it will happen, hopefully far in the future. So yeah, I think I have accepted my self fulfilling prophecy, cause there's really no way around it. Somedays it's hard though, thinking that it's like I'm trapped in a maze with only one horrible way out of it. Cause how can I make myself die in another manner than suicide? I can't. My fate is sealed. So why not accept it?

I'm finally gonna try and live my life to the fullest at the best of my ability. I'm gonna get my gender reassigned legally, finish writing my autobiography, change the way I look, get my damn tattoos even if I'll need to steal money to afford them, drive a car, travel to London and all the little things on that endless list of things to do before I die.

Everyone should do that, no matter if you are/think you are going to die sooner than you hope for or not. Everyone should try their best to live their lives to the fullest. I'll hit you if you don't agree with me on that point! I just hope I'll actually do it this time, but I think so, cause never before has it felt this real. The cruelty of the prophecy and the vitality of life itself awakening within me. I think it's a good balance, as good as it can get. That I want to live and that more than ever, at the same time as I'm terrified to die before I'm done living, if you know what I mean. Life and death is cruel and unfair, but I can't let that ruin me. I can hope and dream, carefully so, but I can't change what's beyond me.

I just hope that I'll be able to continue like this, with this urge in me to change things to the better, with a will to live instead of just a will to escape anything related to living in the real world. Just wish that I won't fall back into the darkness.

Constant worry

I should be worrying about the right thing, but my brain just sort of picks its choice without my consent. I think that if I really have to worry about something, it should at least be something worth worrying about. I really should do something about that worry, before this anxiety just gets worse and worse. I know that when my stomach hurts and I start rocking myself on a daily basis, it's not a good thing.

Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.

This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.

Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.

The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.

Well, I kinda knew it

Arghhh, I knew it wouldn't be that easy with the surgery, I just knew it! Just spoke to them yesterday and everything seemed fine, they were just gonna send some information papers. The things mentioned in them (just got the papers) are things I was supposed to have done two weeks before the surgery. They should have sent me a frigging time machine as well! Fuck!

Now I'm having doubts they will take me in on Tuesday... I soooo want it done and then all this crap comes up and things just got really complicated. I'm still smoking and I took salicylic acid (Treo) which is thinning my blood, I could bleed to death in there. Damn, I thought things were going a bit too well...

Just raging now. I put my mother on the phone with them cause I just can't stop shaking, could barely even hold the phone when I spoke to my mother and my voice was trembling. Now I just have to wait for her call and my final judgement. Fit for surgery or not?

I could probably have lied a little if I could muster calling them myself, but I don't know if that would have been to my winning. If my bad habits can kill me on that table or lead to horrible complications it wouldn't be worth it, no matter how damn much I want that surgery.

Being healthy isn't exactly easy for me. I'm a ball of anxiety and reach for anything, however destructive I can, just to survive. They should have told me these things long before, already at the consultation in August. What is it with people not giving out information in time, just expecting everyone to know that stuff? I've never had surgery before, I didn't know anything of that.

Still waiting for my mother call back, and I can't calm down. I'm hysteric, allover the place and can't even breathe right. I need to eat, need to go to the drug store. Need a shower. Close the window, but even that I can't muster. Just writing, only writing and smoking. Rocking myself as I lose sensation in my fingers due to the coldness in here. Just breathe damn it, just breathe...

I didn't know this was gonna come up. All I got was a vague feeling there could be a problem. A very vague feeling. Why can't these stupid instincts work when I really need them?!

Weekly maintenance

Oh fuck, it's Wednesday. What do I hate about Wednesdays? World of warcraft is under its weekly maintenance. Shut down until 11 o'clock. Instead I try to listen to "The Hobbit" on audio book. But writing one thing and listening to another isn't easy. Not impossible, as you can probably tell, but sure not easy.

I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.

It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.

I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.

Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.

When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.

I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.

I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.

Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.

30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.

I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.

I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.

Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.