Worth living for

I wish the crew would stop complimenting my hair. Seriously, they've been doing that almost constantly from when I started bleaching it in January. Sure I like getting a compliment every so often, but this is getting ridiculous. What are they trying to achieve? Making me indescribably happy?

I started to scratch myself uncontrollably under the bandage early this morning, half not aware of what I was doing. Not supposed to do that, and I know that in an awaken state, but it's different when I'm half asleep.

I do all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally do then. It's strange, but also understandable. That I'm less inhibited in a way. But it's annoying when I do things that might interfere with the healing process.

My muscles are sore after yesterday's work out. It's annoying and the part I dislike most about exercising. Not quite enjoying it the way most people seem to do. So I'm gonna take it easy today, just gonna have a little walk soon enough. Need to buy vegetables, bread and cigarettes. Mostly it hurts in my shoulders and arms, so a walk couldn't possibly hurt. Not that it would either way though.

But despite the pain it still feels good to finally have gotten myself to the gym. Only took me about three years... Seriously, I think the last time I set my foot in such a place was in Gottsunda during 2011. But then I lived in my parents' house for a year after that, and there were no gyms or likewise facilities nearby. And then I just talked about it for almost two years.

I really hope I'll keep this up now and not get lazy again. As of now my motivation is on top, but of course it can change with time. So hoping it won't. I just won't allow myself to give up again, cause I so need to live now. More than just being alive, I need to actually live my life. It would be so pointless otherwise. Like just wasting air instead of using it, or taking up space instead of needing it.

Living without hopes must be the most painful thing I've ever experienced. What people say isn't possible, that you'd always have hopes left if you're still breathing, but it's not true. I'm living proof that isn't true. But now I have hopes, lots of hopes and dreams and goals in life. Still scared to fail them, still overly cautious about them and always watching my step so that I won't shatter them. But they keep me alive, cause now I depend on them.

Controlling energy

I just thought of something. Maybe only crazy people are given magical powers? So that no one will believe them. Cause that would just be so typical for this dimension. Yes, I do say there is real magic in this world, but it's rare and very well hidden to most people. I think maybe you have to be a bit crazy to believe in it. And how can you get magical powers if you don't believe in magic? You can't just get them cause you want them, you know.

Much lies beyond, in other dimensions or very far back or forward in time. Magic does too. It's almost like it's not supposed to be here where nature and human technology rules. But it slips through. Here it's not the kind of magic that I was used to back in Dala, but I do think that I brought with me some of the energies from my home place.

You see, I believe in the possibility that energy in its purest form can transfer between different dimensions that exist and co-exist in our universe. Like auras, I think mine is different from others because of where I come from. Not entirely different of course, and it's something that can never be proven or dis-proven. I just sense it, know it in my soul somehow. And I think that is why I can do the things I can do.

I don't think anyone would truly believe in magic unless they are the ones performing it. It's one thing to see someone else perform it, cause how can you tell if it's actually real? It's most likely an illusion, or a trick. But imagine that you hold that power. With will, instinct, spells or faith, you can change things that aren't supposed to be possible to change. Would you believe it then?

Honestly I don't know what to do with my powers. They're like this little hobby project that I can't really control. Gah, I wish there was a Hogwartz in reality! No kidding aside, it is fairly complicated and I don't think I even understand it most of the time. Still asking myself "how is this even possible?" like five times a day. Yeah, it's become that much lately. Small things, but still.

Most of it I can't really describe, it's more like instincts I guess, just that they magically work every single time. That I just know what will happen if I do a certain thing. Like I get this feeling that if I do something specific I guarantee that what I want for the moment will happen, and it does. But I can't control that feeling to "appear" whenever I want it to. It's always sudden and very strong, like I get a signal from somewhere, a command that I can choose to act upon if I want to.

And then the stuff about changing my appearance. It only works if it's something small, and over time. I can't make instant changes, but they will be permanent, I think. I've never tried to change it back. When I decide to change something, I have to concentrate a lot for a few minutes every day or so, and over the time of perhaps a week it changes. Maybe it's some sort of energy manipulation?

It's not like I see it right before my eyes, it's slow. Like a sun tan or something. Maybe I'll be able to make instant changes one day, but as I said, I don't have that much control over it yet. Patience, it truly is a virtue.

Seven years

Valentine's Day is coming up soon. That date is really digging a hole in the remains of my heart and it's getting worse now. The ads and commercials are starting to leak out through the media, taunting me with false hopes about love. They're celebrating the worst day of my life. Opening up that terrible wound inside me every god damn year for soon seven years now. I didn't like the holiday before that either.

When as a kid I was one of those who never got any cards or whatever you were supposed to give each other. I was destined to be alone, it felt like back then, and it still feels that way, even though I've done everything in my power to try to change that. But all I got was a broken heart.

And then that thing happened in 2007. At the moment I hadn't noticed what date it was, it wasn't until right after. Happy Valentine's Day! He said and gave me candy. Oh fuck... now that has really been a mind twister. Mostly I don't think so much about that event, cause maybe I'm over it you know. Well, I might be over it the other 364 days of the year, but when the anniversary is coming up I just sort of... wanna disappear.

Well I don't know what's gonna happen this year in particular. Last year I was doing almost okay, but I was more stable then, less fucked up in a way. But this year... I'm already at the verge of total breakdown, sick with love and hopelessness is slowly drowning me. Yeah, I'm gonna be a wreck, I can tell you that much. Why can't people allover the world stop celebrating the day I was raped!?

Yeah, I really, really wanna disappear on February the 14th. Go far away from the whole world and all the chocolate hearts, red roses and jolly little glitter sprinkled love letters. Ughh... kill me now please. I wish I had someone to be with that day, at least. Someone who would just understand and protect me, keep me safe. I don't require much. Just your full attention, a whole carton of cigarettes, perhaps some tea and lots of hugs. Watching Thelma and Louise, or some other "fuck the world" -movie.

For some reason my parents just don't do. I feel like I'm hurting them in some way. Like as if it was my fault I got hurt and in that way I also hurt them. (Now I know it wasn't my fault, it's just a lingering feeling that I think almost every rape victim carry with them). That I feel guilty to not have gotten over that incident after seven frigging years. I don't want my parents to see me shattered to pieces, no matter what the reason for it is.

I don't think I'm in shape to travel either, and I'm broke as well. I'm just too poor, can barely pay for my own food. So I can't go to Uppsala, at least not for a while. I'll have to make it on my own somehow. I've survived worse, this... it's just memories.

Keep trying

Fuck it, I have to start over again. How damn hard can it be? I don't understand. Over coming tiredness shouldn't be that fucking hard. Sure, caffeine had no effect, and neither did sugar this morning right before I crashed. But I could have taken a walk or something. At that point I had been awake around 70 hours and had started slapping my face to the point of it aching, blushing red. But it only helped for a few seconds each time. My last resort is usually inflicting pain, without creating wounds, cause wounds release endorphins which make me relaxed. I want to achieve the opposite effect, I want adrenaline. It's been tricky trying to find out what works.

I'm obsessed with this shit, and especially now. I have less than a week to get this done. I want my hundred hours before I stop trying to be awake around the clock and start trying to get a rhythm including sleep again. My next meeting with my psychologist is on Friday, and by then I must be able to say that I have tried and practised that as I said I would do last Friday. I can't screw this up again.

This time, I've calculated to which time and date I will be finished. Until 2 o'clock at night between Wednesday and Thursday I will have to keep these tired eyes of mine open. So I will only have one day and one night to practice that circadian rhythm, as long as I don't fail again, and I won't fail this time. It's stupidly little time left before the meeting, and I will probably have to lie if I want my shrink to keep believing that I actually want to get things normalised again. Cause I really do want that, it's just that I think I won't be able to let go and give my best unless I've reached my crazy achievement first. Maybe it wouldn't be so stupid to tell my shrink that though. Maybe it's irrational that I have this belief, but I think that maybe she would understand why I have it.

I know myself too damn well, and that gut feeling is most likely correct. That I would have that gnawing feeling that I won't be able to give my best to get back to normal again if I feel like a failure for not having reached those 100 hours of sleep deprivation. Maybe it's not so stupid after all: that is a high number of hours, and it would be difficult to break such a record in the future, so it's possible I won't try to break it later on. I believe it will help me to put this behind me once and for all.

Spiralling out of time

Not so strange perhaps, but I really don't feel like myself these days. I'm a shadow. Can't focus on anything, everything is a blur. Like looking out the window of a moving train. Some things you see, others just pass by and you hardly even notice them. You don't notice what you missed until someone points it out to you. And we're not even on the same train.

Nights and days blend together in a flickering light play. I'm lost in numbers but I can't tell the time any more. I don't even know what date it is. Without time everything is disconnected, scattered. I take my meds when they tell me to, but then I can't remember if I took them, even though their bitter taste is still clinging to my throat. That taste that releases when you don't manage to swallow them correctly and they start dissolving in your mouth. And you can't wash it down, cause it's stuck there, for hours or just seconds until you forget about it. Sleep deprivation changes who I am.

I can't feel time, at all. To me, two seconds feels just as long as two hours, two days, or even two years. I'm trying to connect with time by counting, but my numbers are just as useless as a broken watch. I don't fully understand how I perceive time, but it seems to move in circles. Sometimes going backwards, biting its own tail, sometimes moving away some place new before spiralling back again. So maybe it's more like a very uneven spiral. Cause I'm going backwards at the same time as I'm going forward. And people expect me to eat consistently and have circadian rhythm.

How does time feel? Can you feel if you need something depending on how long ago you had it last? Can you tell if it's been a long or a short time, to or from something? Is it different related to the past or the future? I wouldn't know. It doesn't exist. In my world all there is, is astrology and watches, and nothing more. I can't feel it.

I can't feel much at all lately, but something's scratching inside me. Like some wild animal fighting desperately to get free. I put the self destruction on hold, but not for too long, cause if I push it too hard it's gonna end in a disaster. As I said to my shrink today when we talked about my irrational fear of sleep, but this applies in every occasion related to fear: "anxiety isn't dangerous, it can't harm me, I know that - it's what the anxiety can cause me to do that is dangerous".