This year has been awful. Overwhelming, pitiful, tedious, dark and filled with sadness. But also happiness, small glimpses of fulfilment and friendship, but mostly a whole lot of disaster. It started off bad, as I tried to study at Folkhögskolan here in Hemse and failed miserably. I damaged my knee seemingly permanently and started isolating myself again.
DBT went horrible as I started that soon after I left the school in February or March, I felt painfully alienated in the small group and my cheating on the diagnostic tests for Borderline Personality Disorder started to unravel. I started taking hormones again on my own in early summer/late spring and unleashed a disastrous chaos I had never seen a likeness of before that would come to last for several months.
After that I fell in love, and soon became painfully lovesick all the while the stagnation in the psychiatric departments led me to several suicide attempts during the two weeks I spent in a psych ward during Midsummer. I was also mute for a day in there. Then came alcoholism, increased smoking, caffeine addiction, starvation, more extensive self harm and sleeping disorders.
I got scared of sleeping and avoided it at all costs, then I made it a game in trying to stay awake for as long as I could. Somewhere in that mess I managed to get to the main country to visit my friends in Uppsala and Stockholm, for about a week. Adding to all that I've had four psychotic episodes and got more imaginary people living in my head.
Yeah, it hasn't been a very good year. I sure haven't been bored much though. It's always something going on in this mess of a brain I carry around wherever I go. It's like I do nothing but taking it easy and trying to relax and taking things slow - but yet I'm still constantly stressed out, tensed up and on my guard. My own mind stresses me to the brink of how much I can handle. Sometimes it pushes me over the edge and gives me too much. I've never been very good at living, but seeing as I'm still here after this horrible year, I'd say I'm pretty good at surviving.
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