Abstain

I've made my choice about something. Not suicide. No, something entirely different. Which is to abstain from sex with other people, or at all. Forever if that's the way it will be, or until I find someone that I love and who loves me back the same. Then and only if that happens I will start again.

I've only done it once in over two years now, so I don't think it will be that hard at all. Sex is seriously overrated in my opinion. Maybe I'm just more asexual than I realise. Or simply too damaged. Sexual assualts and starting to watch porn at an early age has wacked my brain, I think.

I just don't find any pleasure in the act itself anymore. It has to be a deep emotional connection or else I won't have it. Just thought I'd mention. Perhaps it's a good decision, but I don't know. Better to abstain than doing it out of sheer desperation and painful loneliness. I think hooking up with creeps online is a thing of the past for me now. I've had my fair share of that, I can say, and nothing good ever came out of it.

Not even when I tried to find an actual creep I got what I was looking for. Perhaps not even creeps want me. Besides, there's nothing about it that I lust for. I can't feel lust at all, it's all just disgusting. I'm disgusted by myself for what I search for online. You should see what I have book marked on my browser. No, you really shouldn't. Not that I'd show it to anyone, but anyone using my computer could easily find it though.

Anyways, enough is enough. I think lust is an ended chapter in my life. I just say it's over for now though. It's nothing forced upon, definitely not religious (you know Satanism is all about being lustful and fuck whatever you want to fuck). It's just a choice, and honestly, I made it months ago. Just announcing it now. For whatever reason.