Disconnected

Sometimes... I don't know what I am anymore. Am I a demon, or an ex-demon? Am I human, or will I never entirely be human? It's like I'm something in between. Like I have all these memories that have been forming me so powerfully ever since I was a little kid, and all these latent feelings that connects me to my former demon self. A ravenous hunger, something that makes me drawn to evil deeds, but I never really step over to that darkness.

It's true, that I have in the past, I have looked darkness in the eyes and said "I belong to you" but truth is I don't know where I belong. It's like I'm stuck in the shadows, in between light and dark. I don't know my place. Dala is no more, I don't belong there anymore. But I don't belong here either and I don't feel human.

What I can relate to in this reality is very limited and comes in short supplies. Certain things, here and there, small and mostly insignificant. I have a purpose, but I feel disconnected from it. My undying curiosity for humans is dying.

My wish to learn about them is fading, it feels forced and fake. Like I'm performing someone else's wish, someone else's purpose. I'm detached, uninterested and wish to be left alone. I can't keep up with these humans, I don't feel like I'm one of them, but they look at me and they see a human being and I'm just silently whispering "no, you're wrong" under my breath. I don't want them to hear, don't want to cause a scene, don't want for them to have questions I can only answer in riddles.

Who believes me? I feel like an alien trapped in a human shell, unable to go back home again, a home no one else, or very few, has been to. I would like to meet someone, just one person, who has seen the emerald green grass fields and the skies so bright but never hurt your eyes. Someone who also could speak the language that I have now forgotten, someone who also remembers what it's like to be something other than human.

Cause I can't connect with humans anymore. Why? Cause they're boring, cause I can't relate, or simply because they are not him. Maybe it's my love for K that has blinded me lately? But I can't even reach out to him. I cry and stretch my arms out into the air but he's several hundred miles away and it all feels so terribly hopeless. And I know he's my last chance. How many more months, or even just weeks, can I carry on living like this?

I feel so empty, yet filled with every emotion known to man and some others that knows no name. And I'm so lost. This loneliness has really taken the best out of me and left me like this, unable to connect, to feel connected to anything anymore. I distance myself, but others take distance from me too. I can feel everything and everyone are just slipping away from me.

I know that I will never return to live on the main country again. It's a pretty dream, but it's not gonna happen. I lost everything when I moved here. All but my family. My heart isn't in anything anymore. It's just broken shatters, the remains of a heart that once could give people a sodding chance. Now I'm just a liar and a deceiver. I'm keeping to myself even when I'm around people and honestly, I don't know how I feel about school or going there. I've been lying from my very first minute there. They can't know the real me. No one can.

I don't even talk to people anymore, just three, and I don't talk much to those three either. It's K, my best friend and my mother. Well, that's something, right? I don't know what it is, but I feel like they're slipping away and I don't know how to hold on to them.

I try, god knows I try, but I still don't know how when I at the same time don't want anything to to with them. My heart aches and bleeds for them, to be near them, like we used to be before or like never before. The loneliness is breaking me down, yet protects me, but prevents me from reaching out again. I've lost touch with humanity and I don't know how to find it again.

I don't know my place in this world, I don't know who I am anymore, my life is slipping away from me. Nothing means anything to me, I'm not holding on to anything. I really don't. I just go with the flow and see where it takes me. To hell, probably. Another bigger piece of hell that I haven't yet seen. I fear it, and I can feel it breathing down my neck. Something big is coming and it's coming soon. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure it will destroy me and everything I am, everything I can pretend to hold on to. Whatever it is, it will be the end of me.

I turn 26 this spring and I have less than 2 years left, according to the prophecy and Satan's words. I feel like I'm dying, or more like I'm living on borrowed time. All I know is that time is ticking and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. Everything just seems so pointless or like it requires too much effort, time and money that I don't have. How do you make your life meaningful without money or even a grasp of sanity?

You can't. I've found out it's impossible in my case. I've given up on finding a meaning with it all. I can't wait for it to just end. But waiting I do, and I think that might be the only thing I ever do.

Split in black and white

My mind is never at peace. Am I a humanised demon, or a demonised human? Does it matter? I've always felt a bit like the super heroes who have a darker identity that they sort of switch to at certain points, when something triggers them. I'm not saying I feel like a super hero, rather quite far from it. But it's like I'm two people sometimes, and even though pain and madness drives me to the darker me I like him better.

Hard to say why, cause that me isn't much stronger or wiser or anything really. Just different. Braver, perhaps. More confident, selfish and solitary. The other me is bright, more fun and easy going. Insecure, kinder and more social. Isn't that rather schizo though? I don't know, I haven't really come across this phenomena before. I will do some digging in that area, but I doubt I'll find anything useful though.

I've always been split between black and white, and now I see why. I am both, but not at the same time. It's not like I have alter egos, they're both me. Just that one side enhances the dark and the other enhances the light. But since the darker is only present when triggered, that could be a clue of something. That it is developed, not something I was born with. Doesn't make it any less real though, but I think I've just been through too much damn darkness, like what the fuck is happening to me?!

I'm split in so many ways it's getting hard to keep up with everything. First there's me and my body, an eternal war to be honest. Secondly there's me and Anna, which can also be a war sometimes but mostly we're like siblings. Siamese twins that never got our own separate bodies. I don't morph into her, I don't become her, we're like two different people entirely. And then there's this. Where I see myself as two sides of a coin, one dark and one light. Not as in negative and positive, think more like night and day.

I've been trying to describe this like a gazillion times before, but I think I nailed it now. I'm the dark side of me now, can you tell? Triggered by my past and my worries about K, I just sort of morphed. I don't know how that happens, suddenly I'm just there.

This isn't new, I've just not been able to describe it before. I've tried. I've tried so hard for probably about twelve years or more. How the usual me can change into something else. Most people only see that me, as to why I refer to as the "usual", and I suppose there isn't that much difference between them both.

The difference has increased though. I dress differently depending on which one I am. I wear light colours, like a white shirt and blue jeans if I'm the light me. And vice versa I wear darker colours like a blood red shirt with black pants if I'm the dark me. It affects my mood more lately. I don't think either side is more prone to psychosis, though I'm not sure yet. I'll make a thorough study on that later.

I think this is another defence mechanism. I have so many of those just to able to survive my own life. I don't think my life sucked quite that hard, I mean there are loads of people who have had a much worse life without becoming Schizophrenic or whatever the fuck I am. PTSD drew me to madness, is quite safe to say. I'm not very sane at all, though I might seem that way to other people. I can't help but thinking it's not so strange since my chaos is more or less locked inside my brain. And it just becomes worse.

Or does it? I'm seeing clearer all the time, especially since about a year ago. Damn my vision has expanded more than I could handle. Literally more than I could handle. But what does this mean? Like I suddenly understand exactly why I dyed half my hair black and bleached the other half blonde on and off for so many years before. But everyone just said that I looked like Berny Pålsson so I suppose that's why I stopped having my hair that way eventually, even though the first time I had it was before I had even heard of her. When I first saw a picture of her at 17 it was like looking into a mirror. I was both allured and creeped out.

This also explains why I want all my tattoos and piercings on one half of my body but not the other. It explains why I'm drawn to black and white patterns, why I sometimes do my make up differently on either side of my face and so on. It explains my ambivalence too. Damn, it explains a lot. I'm split in two.

Dysphoria

I'm making tail space when I sit on chairs, I've noticed lately. You know, leaving a gap between my lower back and the back support. So I put on my fake (obviously) tail just to prove my point, and sure as hell, that's exactly what that gap was for.

Phantom limbs doesn't have to be missing human body parts, though I doubt I will walk around in public with a fake tail made from silk-like fabric and pillow filling material like some sort of prosthesis. I know some otherkin do, but I don't know... maybe it's cute on a teenage girl, but it sure would look a little funny on me. I've thought about it, but then people would stare and have opinions, so I don't think I'll actually do it. Alone at home sometimes, sure, but that's an entirely different matter.

I've been meaning to finish making my horns as well, but I'm stuck on trying to figure out how to fasten them on my head. I can't make authentic wings though, cause they would be about the size of my whole body (each wing) and that is just too much to make and to wear.

I don't mean to say that I'm not human, cause I know that I am. It's more that I so strongly identify with demons, they feel like family on a very deep level. I was one in both of my two past lives (that's as far as I can remember), it lies embedded in my soul. Imbued with it. I don't remember being anything else than a demon. I'm so used to it, and there's so much I miss about it. Maybe it's a delusion, but if it is then I am nothing. Cause I cannot exist if I am built without a foundation. Maybe that too is a delusion, that I think I don't really exist, sometimes. A delusion build on a delusion... interesting. Impossible, likely, possible, probably? How will I ever know?

However the case, I have a dysphoria. Gender and species dysphoria and both are clawing inside me today. Ripping and tearing and screaming, like a wild animal in a cage. I get no rest at all. There's something else too, but I hush it before the words reach my lips, or in this case before my fingers reach the keyboard. I'm afraid, but I can't tell you of what. That fear is both painful and exciting. I guess you might already know what it's about though.

I should go to bed, but I haven't even taken my sleeping pills yet. I slipped them when my mother called to make sure I got my whole cocktail of drugs swallowed down around ten o'clock this evening. Saved them "until later", sort of. Maybe now is later.

Come one, come all

I'm in quite a confused state right now. Don't know exactly how to describe it. I'm thinking about my love and how things are with him. I'm worried, excited and feel guilty all at once. I don't know how to play my game, so to say. Which cards to show and which to keep hiding. It might be time to make a move, though I'm very uncertain.

Also thinking about my demon form. That I miss what I looked like, that it feels like an emotional amputation of sorts. Sometimes I think maybe this life has changed me too much, that I'm not the demon I once was anymore. I hope that isn't true. Cause if it is true then I am nothing. Neither demon nor human.

And I'm thinking about Caspian, my dearest from Dala, and that it was because of him I started to get more interested in elves. Tolkien and world of warcraft elves mostly. Every time I fall in love I hope that person is him. In spirit, of course. That even if he wouldn't remember being an elven prince in a past life, I would still somehow recognise them as him. Or her, cause you never really know with reincarnations now do you? They screwed it up in my case, so why shouldn't it be possible the same thing happened to him?

I wonder who I am and where I belong in this world, if not in my love's arms, the only place I want to be, the only place where I can't be. Cause even when I doubt, I can never really stop believing and hoping. My dreams are my life. But my life... is a nightmare.

Moments of clarity

My heart is hurting, it feels like my heart hurts. And I don't even know why, it's just painful. Yeah, maybe I do know why, but it's easier to escape it, easier to just run away from it. But I try not to. Just stay here, indulge in the pain and let it hurt me. Let it tear me to pieces.

I don't know why I think I should stay in the emotion, but maybe a part of me wants me to suffer. Be torn to pieces over and over until there won't be any excuses left. No reasons to pretend, no lies left to cover it up. The so very real, bleeding truth revealing. Taking over everything. Making true everything that I believe in, showing the real fucked me that I've been trying to humanise. For I am not human and I will never be. My false hopes of just being totally damaged falls apart and I realise once again that this is not only what I've become, but what I've always been.

Sure I have the typical traits of a human being, but just look at me. There are too many contradictions and impossibilities to look past. Things about me that just shouldn't be possible, yet they are. I believe in what I am in my days of clarity, and I accept that I'm different beyond reason, cause I know why I am here. I have discovered the answer to one of the most mysterious questions humans have asked themselves since the dawn of time. I know why I am here, my purpose, the meaning of my life.

But it brings me no comfort, no happiness or joy. I believe that I hold all the answers to all the questions I carry, but answers alone has never brought me anything. A great discovery is only great in the moment you discover it. Then you sit there and ask yourself "And? So what, what does it even matter? How does this change anything?"

For the path you are meant to follow is the path you are already walking.

The question about the meaning of life is thrilling, mysterious and alluring. But the answer is simple, stupid and disappointing. It's like the question of what makes the world so beautiful and harmonic? And the answer is just a bunch of numbers. Or how do you learn to live with anxiety, depression, phobias, sleep disorders and the like? Simply let go. The answer is expected to be astonishing, thought provoking and marvellous. And all there is, is something you shrug at. A disappointment.

I ask myself "was it even worth it?" all those years of searching for my purpose. No... or maybe it was, I don't know. But it certainly was a disappointment. Much like most people I expected something amazing, something that would change my life or at least my view on life. But if I know so much, what really is my purpose? To know more. What kind of idea of a joke is that!? The message is simply that I can never get enough knowledge and understanding, and I'm here to fill in the gaps. I hate and can't stand humans, yet I'm here to understand them. To live among them and learn as much as I can about them.

Cause what if you don't like what the great beyond has set out for you? What if you don't want to walk that path, and there's no way to escape it? It's the fucking meaning of your life, it is why you are here. Would you really want to know? Would you...?

Cause I hate my fucking purpose.