I'm standing on the border between living my life and giving it all up completely. I live my life, but only partially. I try to hope for a better future that would include K at least in some way or another. I try not to give up on that. But some things I have given up on.
Everything feels shallow, hollow and empty. Meaningless, colourless, tasteless, muted and dimmed. Everything except K, who is like a splash of vibrant colours, black and white. He's my saviour, the only reason that I still haven't given up completely, he's what keeps that small spark in me alive. Snuff it out, and I'll be dead.
I'm hanging by a thread, and it breaks a little more the more time passes and the less that happens. As he shies away from me, and I try to move in closer but get ignored or rejected. As he's getting worse and sicker and closer to his own death, I'm getting closer to mine. I'm synced with him, as I fall down when he does, but sometimes I also do that on my own. It feels as if I'm suffering for two people.
I carry his burden, whether I want to or not, and whether he wants me to or not. It's just the way it is. It's heavy, that burden. So many unsolved issues and issues that most likely can never be solved. Though some can, and all I can do is to pray that he will one day accept help for them, so that he can get better. First of all I just want for him to not suffer, secondly I wish I didn't have to suffer for him and thirdly, I wish I didn't have to suffer at all.
Because both our miseries are linked, as I tear apart whenever he does, probably even when none of us are aware of it. And I want to believe, that whatever I'm feeling all on my own, affects him too somehow. Cause I know that he cares, he's just not that good of showing it at all times. But I know that he does. Cause we talk about me too, and not just about him. I think that at least some part of him wants to be there for me as well, although it is hard for him.
And I respect that and I understand it too, even though we aren't that alike in that area. I'm too shying away when I feel down, but not always, and never from him. He does, he shies away from everyone when he's feeling down, even me. And I hate that, cause for once I just wish he needed me as much as I need him. That we could somehow comfort each other, or anything.
It drives me mad, when he goes into solitude, because all I want to do is to hold him and comfort him. But I want what's best for him, I try to be accepting and do as he wants me to: to stay away. He's hard to love. I always feel so very inadequate and maybe that's because I am, because anyone and everyone is. And I know that no matter how much I truly do love him, it is not in my power to heal him. No matter how fucking much I want to.
And it scares me. It scares me to the brink of falling to pieces every day and night. I hold on for him, I have to. I'll stand by his side forever and ever, and I just want him to know that I care with all of my broken heart and homesick soul, that he's my top priority, the love of my fucking life and most certainly worth fighting for. It's worth the chaos, the confusion, all the time in the world and strength that I don't even know how to summon. But I can't, I just can't let him in on that.
Afraid to scare him away with my otherworldly feelings. Afraid he'll take off and leave me. Afraid he wouldn't even believe me. Afraid he'd somehow take it negatively. That all along I had an agenda, to snare him or something. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm so afraid of. That he'd be scared of me and what I feel for him.
All I know, is that I have to tell him before it's too late, but not too early. It's been almost 2 years of crazy affections, and almost 1 year since I sort of got him on the hook, or what to say. Slowly and carefully I've been trying to show him my world and invite him in. Trying to make him let me into his. I've been aching, longing, wanting, dreaming and hoping for so long now it's like I've forgotten what it was like to not be in love with him.
I want to experience everything I do, think and feel with him. I want to live under the same roof as him, share my whole life with him. I want for him to be a part of everything I am and do. And I also want to be a part of everything he is and does. I want him under my skin, and to be under his skin. That close, as close and intimate as you can possibly be with another person. Physically, yes, but mostly emotionally and mentally.
That is the kind of life that I want to live. That is what I think is worth fighting for, or anything between now and that perfect state. Anything, even the smallest something is worth to go on breathing for. To be just one tiny step closer to him, even for just a minute, or a split second. It could be anything. Simply chatting about ordinary/the usual stuff, or holding his hand, seeing him IRL again and hug him, talking on the phone with him, kissing him, knowing he read a poem that I wrote about/for him, watching a movie together, drinking together, anything really.
It's all worth living, and surviving for. It's all worth fighting for. But sometimes I think I'm fighting a bit too much. It's not a game and I'm not supposed to force him into anything. I should rather ask and accept no for an answer. I just crave it so desperately and want it before we die: closeness with him, any form of intimacy, to let him know how much I love him; even if he wouldn't believe me, even if he would freak out or just not know what to say or do in response. I need for him to know, partially because I want to get it off my chest and also partially, because I want him to know that he's not forgotten, rejected or unlovable.
I really do think he might need to hear it, to know it, even if he won't believe it. Because maybe someday he will then. But all I can give him is time. I try not to overwhelm him. I try to keep it calm and light and worth both of our time. I try to draw it out, letting it out little by little in small gestures that he might or might not pick up on.
I move in closer, then back away to not overwhelm him and to give him space. I try to take a bit of a distance, but it's the hardest thing to do when you're dying to get closer than you've ever been.
Showing posts with label obsession. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obsession. Show all posts
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
Loving you since June
I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
Sunday, 4 May 2014
Running from reality
Going to go to the gym today, not just have to, I'm really going. But I still haven't eaten and I don't think I can. Would it be a terribly bad idea to go there and work my ass off without having eaten in 24 hours? Sure it should be more effective, right? Burning off calories without adding any, I mean. Okay, I guess I can take a diet drink. But then I'll have to burn more than 180 calories. If I drink it all, that is. Maybe I'll just have half of it or something.
Gah, there's definitely something wrong with me if I think 180 calories for an entire day is too much... Don't wanna obsess about calories again. It was stressful enough last spring/summer. Though I do remember some of what I calculated back then, that one lump of sugar contains 16 calories for example. And one glass of milk about the same amount. Lol, that makes it like 50 calories in just one cup of coffee for me. Trying not to get bothered by that.
I'm so tense today, don't know why. Well I have been all week, probably just got too much on my mind lately. Exercise, food and K mostly. And that coat I'm making. Almost forgot about that one. I only have to get buttons now, if I can just get my ass off to the fabric store before they close down for good. If they do, I'll have to think of something else. Some other way to get buttons. It's been said that they're going out of business "sometime soon" for over a year now.
That damn diet drink contains sugar. What the fuck? I thought you're supposed to avoid that when you're on a diet to lose weight, which is what they are made for. I don't understand...
Just got back from the gym. Feeling kinda awesome after working out for an hour. Did only upper body today, and didn't forget my stomach muscles. There were a lot of people there today, and I don't know exactly why but I had a hard time knowing where to look. Didn't want to accidentally stare at someone. Lots of good looking people of all genders and my mind just kept wandering instead of focusing on what I was there to do.
I had so much anxiety prior to going to the gym. I don't know why I did. Just hoping that the more I go there the less anxiety I'll get because of it. Like getting used to it or something. Pretty sure I burned more calories than I ate today, which is kinda awesome. So now I don't feel bad sitting by my computer again and listening to insanely loud music.
Gah, there's definitely something wrong with me if I think 180 calories for an entire day is too much... Don't wanna obsess about calories again. It was stressful enough last spring/summer. Though I do remember some of what I calculated back then, that one lump of sugar contains 16 calories for example. And one glass of milk about the same amount. Lol, that makes it like 50 calories in just one cup of coffee for me. Trying not to get bothered by that.
I'm so tense today, don't know why. Well I have been all week, probably just got too much on my mind lately. Exercise, food and K mostly. And that coat I'm making. Almost forgot about that one. I only have to get buttons now, if I can just get my ass off to the fabric store before they close down for good. If they do, I'll have to think of something else. Some other way to get buttons. It's been said that they're going out of business "sometime soon" for over a year now.
That damn diet drink contains sugar. What the fuck? I thought you're supposed to avoid that when you're on a diet to lose weight, which is what they are made for. I don't understand...
Just got back from the gym. Feeling kinda awesome after working out for an hour. Did only upper body today, and didn't forget my stomach muscles. There were a lot of people there today, and I don't know exactly why but I had a hard time knowing where to look. Didn't want to accidentally stare at someone. Lots of good looking people of all genders and my mind just kept wandering instead of focusing on what I was there to do.
I had so much anxiety prior to going to the gym. I don't know why I did. Just hoping that the more I go there the less anxiety I'll get because of it. Like getting used to it or something. Pretty sure I burned more calories than I ate today, which is kinda awesome. So now I don't feel bad sitting by my computer again and listening to insanely loud music.
Saturday, 26 April 2014
A glimpse of the process
Got right back to my sewing project again (like every day for about a week now) and started making fells on the filling fabric. So basically I'm gonna do a second coat in that fabric and sew stuck inside the actual coat. My mother gave me tips that I probably won't take into consideration. She might know a bit about sewing, but she hasn't exactly made a lot clothes from scratch. In that way I know a lot more than she does, so if any, I should be giving her tips.
I think I have an idea how to do it, but I have to fix the seams on the inside of the coat first, to make it look good when I add the filling material. And then sew precisely where the seams already are, which is gonna be tricky. I can barely make a straight seam already as it is, so that will be a challenge. It's hard to undo stitches because the fabrics are so fragile and get damaged when I try. I don't have any of those nifty little needles for the job, so I have to make do with a razor blade. Finally found a good use for those... weapons. Okay, cigarette break is over.
I've sewn it together now, the filling material pieces into one piece, and will soon sew it onto the rest of the coat. Made my first real mistake now. Good that it took so long for that to happen! I did the fell on the wrong side on one of the side pieces, forgot it's supposed to be laterally reversed, but it won't show if you don't think about it.
Having my second cigarette break now with a diet drink as breakfast. Yeah yeah, I know. But at least I get something into my stomach, okay? Some people live on that stuff, you know. Then I'm gonna bleach my hair again today as well. And try not to damage the already white hair in the process. Just the roots.
Now I'm almost finished with the filling material, just have the sleeves left to do. Just realising another awesome thing about making my own coat: I can make the sleeves long enough to fit me! I have long arms and almost all jackets and coats have too short sleeves or the whole piece of clothing is too big. Problem solved.
Started on the sleeve endings, the cuffs, and continued with them up until the point where I'm so tired I can't see clearly. All the details kinda blur. I think that's a good time to stop for today. Don't know if I'll fix my hair later, I'm kinda worn out. Maybe some cigarettes and WoW can take care of that. Though I can't wait too long, gotta sleep some time tonight as well. See, I can't have a job or go to School, I'm all too busy already! Okay, that's enough ranting for now. I just wrote a passage during my cigarette breaks through the day, beginning at around 16:00 o'clock, I think.
I think I have an idea how to do it, but I have to fix the seams on the inside of the coat first, to make it look good when I add the filling material. And then sew precisely where the seams already are, which is gonna be tricky. I can barely make a straight seam already as it is, so that will be a challenge. It's hard to undo stitches because the fabrics are so fragile and get damaged when I try. I don't have any of those nifty little needles for the job, so I have to make do with a razor blade. Finally found a good use for those... weapons. Okay, cigarette break is over.
I've sewn it together now, the filling material pieces into one piece, and will soon sew it onto the rest of the coat. Made my first real mistake now. Good that it took so long for that to happen! I did the fell on the wrong side on one of the side pieces, forgot it's supposed to be laterally reversed, but it won't show if you don't think about it.
Having my second cigarette break now with a diet drink as breakfast. Yeah yeah, I know. But at least I get something into my stomach, okay? Some people live on that stuff, you know. Then I'm gonna bleach my hair again today as well. And try not to damage the already white hair in the process. Just the roots.
Now I'm almost finished with the filling material, just have the sleeves left to do. Just realising another awesome thing about making my own coat: I can make the sleeves long enough to fit me! I have long arms and almost all jackets and coats have too short sleeves or the whole piece of clothing is too big. Problem solved.
Started on the sleeve endings, the cuffs, and continued with them up until the point where I'm so tired I can't see clearly. All the details kinda blur. I think that's a good time to stop for today. Don't know if I'll fix my hair later, I'm kinda worn out. Maybe some cigarettes and WoW can take care of that. Though I can't wait too long, gotta sleep some time tonight as well. See, I can't have a job or go to School, I'm all too busy already! Okay, that's enough ranting for now. I just wrote a passage during my cigarette breaks through the day, beginning at around 16:00 o'clock, I think.
Monday, 21 April 2014
My latest crafting obsession
Continued fixing with my coat today. The one I'm gonna make. It's fair to say it's the biggest tailoring project I've done so far. Four metres of fabric and after cutting out back piece and front pieces I wonder if it's gonna be enough left for the sleeves. If not I better hurry up and go back to the store and see if they have more of it. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna make it as the robe since it's more purple than I initially wanted it to be, or if I'm gonna make it look differently. More goth/victorian/renaissance inspired.
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.
I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.
After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.
The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...
Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.
Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.
Something like this:
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.
I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.
After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.
The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...
Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.
Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.
Something like this:
Or this:
Sunday, 30 March 2014
A part of me
I don't write so much about him in my blog anymore, cause maybe it makes me nervous now that I know that he reads it. But I'm still in love, and very much so, I just don't know how to appropriately display that. Cause maybe I should just keep it to myself? I'm not really modest, quite the opposite in fact, I just don't know what to do with these feelings that basically still are allover the place. Maybe love is always like that, allover the place and kinda intangible.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Obsessing and some pictures
It's hard to drink coffee when your hands are shaking. Easy to spill. Just saying. Either I've had too much or too little. Sadly, or something, I think it's too little since this is my second cup today and I've been up since 15:00. Or it could be something else. Like my nerves for example. They get weirder whenever I think of things that are in some way upsetting, exciting or just makes me nervous for no apparent reason.
Took some pictures of my hair again. I'm thinking of making a collage of all the stages in the bleaching process. For documentation, and maybe it could be fun to look back at later in the future. The light in my bathroom sucks, but it's the best place to take pictures during the night. And since 90% of all the time I'm awake is during the dark hours, I don't have else of a choice. With the yellow light it tends to make me look a bit weird on the original pictures. So I do my best to edit them in a simple photo editing program online. Sometimes it's just not enough whatever I do, but it will have to do. Now taking that into consideration, this is basically how I look now:
Took some pictures of my hair again. I'm thinking of making a collage of all the stages in the bleaching process. For documentation, and maybe it could be fun to look back at later in the future. The light in my bathroom sucks, but it's the best place to take pictures during the night. And since 90% of all the time I'm awake is during the dark hours, I don't have else of a choice. With the yellow light it tends to make me look a bit weird on the original pictures. So I do my best to edit them in a simple photo editing program online. Sometimes it's just not enough whatever I do, but it will have to do. Now taking that into consideration, this is basically how I look now:
The left picture gives more justice to the colour. Right, so my "fringe" has broken off a lot and is now hanging annoyingly in my face. It's very damaged right about everywhere so I have to pamper it as much as I can and wait for new and healthy hair to grow out. I keep it in a braid that I redo every day, to protect it. You see how thin the braid is? Yes, that's all what's left of my hair. Then I add conditioner to make it easier to brush and take vitamin supplements especially made for getting healthier hair.
I realise I'm quite a hair nerd, which is kinda fun. I'm not so much for having fake dreads anymore, but more so for different styles and colours. There is no perfect hairstyle for me, the only way I can achieve what is to me perfection is to constantly change it. I'm not saying every style is perfect, rather the opposite and both at the same time. Like a song. No single note is perfect, it is the change that makes it so good. But enough about my damn hair!
Then what should I write about? Hmm... the healing of my chest is going well, I think. The scabs around my nipples are falling off and leave a slightly gooish surface. Don't know if that's good or bad to be perfectly honest. I've regained a little sensation on the left side, so that's a good sign at least. If it gets worse or something I'll contact the district health care centre for a check up. Or I'm going there anyway after three weeks which is the 31st this month, and that's in just four days. So I think it can wait until then I mean. Okay, that's it for now.
I realise I'm quite a hair nerd, which is kinda fun. I'm not so much for having fake dreads anymore, but more so for different styles and colours. There is no perfect hairstyle for me, the only way I can achieve what is to me perfection is to constantly change it. I'm not saying every style is perfect, rather the opposite and both at the same time. Like a song. No single note is perfect, it is the change that makes it so good. But enough about my damn hair!
Then what should I write about? Hmm... the healing of my chest is going well, I think. The scabs around my nipples are falling off and leave a slightly gooish surface. Don't know if that's good or bad to be perfectly honest. I've regained a little sensation on the left side, so that's a good sign at least. If it gets worse or something I'll contact the district health care centre for a check up. Or I'm going there anyway after three weeks which is the 31st this month, and that's in just four days. So I think it can wait until then I mean. Okay, that's it for now.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
In another language
Obsessive love, you've got me on my knees. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this for someone else, but why do I keep lying to my family? I want to keep everyone at a distance. Far enough to not touch my heart, but close enough for them to see me. Knowing that I'm still there, but a part of me isn't. Sure I talk about how I'm doing, but I leave stuff out, like the most important stuff. I talk about anxiety when love kills me, I talk about tiredness when I'm lethargic or filled with sorrow. I let people see the surface, but not what is going on underneath. I tell them what they already see.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Stop and start again
Three days. It's been three days and I'm going psycho stalker again. If you ask what, do you really have to? Cause I know you know the answer already. I don't wanna repeat myself. Because when he goes offline, or just stops visiting a website for a little while, I go nuts. It's like I don't care if I come off as creepy or a stalker, I just need to feel close to him somehow. But I don't know how, so I do it in any way that I possibly can.
Still the same subtle hints, but just a lot more of them. He could probably feel me breathing down his neck when I'm like this. But I'm not always like this, and maybe that's what "saves" me from dropping into the stalker category. Cause normally I'm just friendly. No one has ever noticed that I've flirted with them, except from the one or two that I was overly flirtatious with, and the ones that already were obsessed/in love with me. So why would he even notice?
I don't know, I can't tell if he notices. I can't tell if he knows. Maybe I just want to believe that I can. Because it would be so much easier then, if the move actually was his to make. I have no idea what to do. If I should wait a little longer, back off, move in, stay the same, die of heartache.
I'm obsessing again, and it's just gonna get worse. Because you know it can always get worse. I don't wanna picture it, it might look ugly. I don't wanna become that way, but what I want I don't think I can have. I ask for so much and get so little in return, it should be the other way around.
Still the same subtle hints, but just a lot more of them. He could probably feel me breathing down his neck when I'm like this. But I'm not always like this, and maybe that's what "saves" me from dropping into the stalker category. Cause normally I'm just friendly. No one has ever noticed that I've flirted with them, except from the one or two that I was overly flirtatious with, and the ones that already were obsessed/in love with me. So why would he even notice?
I don't know, I can't tell if he notices. I can't tell if he knows. Maybe I just want to believe that I can. Because it would be so much easier then, if the move actually was his to make. I have no idea what to do. If I should wait a little longer, back off, move in, stay the same, die of heartache.
I'm obsessing again, and it's just gonna get worse. Because you know it can always get worse. I don't wanna picture it, it might look ugly. I don't wanna become that way, but what I want I don't think I can have. I ask for so much and get so little in return, it should be the other way around.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
How many obsession do I have really...
I feel guilty eating sweets, like I'm asking for a weight gain. I know that thought is possessing my mind these days, poisoning my mind, but I let it. I let it torture me until I've reached my goal. I know that without trying I can steadily keep a weight, any weight really. It's just getting there that is hard.
I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.
Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.
I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.
So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.
At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...
I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.
Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.
I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.
So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.
At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...
From one obsession to another
I'm having fun in WoW again. Letting out sounds like "yay" "yes" "oooh nice", smiling and laughing to myself. Damn, I love it when I have something to smile about. I treasure every single one of those moments. Anyway, I got jewelcrafting from 498 to 587 in an hour. Only 13 points left! Not bad, not bad at all! Way beyond expectation.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Reasons to live and die
I think I see it now, why my desperate heart just keeps on falling in love and then breaking and falling again before it even had a chance to heal. I live and die for love. As insipid or silly as it might seem, love has always been my reason to stay alive in hard times. But it has also always been my reason to die when I've felt I can't go on any longer. It's like the core of my whole being is centred around that profoundly stupid heart of mine.
My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. And there we have it. Love. As simple yet as overwhelmingly complicated as that. Would I even want it for something else instead? I mean, would I choose to not have this chaotic heart if I could? I don't know. But it's wearing me out, and I think it will be the real reason for my death, eventually.
That of course, isn't just negative in my eyes. I'm ambivalent to death the same way as I'm ambivalent to love. They both have these two in common: loss and home. It's either or, and you can never choose which one it will be.
When love gives me loss I find home in death, and when death means loss to me it's usually when love means home. Of course they can both mean loss, but can they both mean home?
My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. And there we have it. Love. As simple yet as overwhelmingly complicated as that. Would I even want it for something else instead? I mean, would I choose to not have this chaotic heart if I could? I don't know. But it's wearing me out, and I think it will be the real reason for my death, eventually.
That of course, isn't just negative in my eyes. I'm ambivalent to death the same way as I'm ambivalent to love. They both have these two in common: loss and home. It's either or, and you can never choose which one it will be.
When love gives me loss I find home in death, and when death means loss to me it's usually when love means home. Of course they can both mean loss, but can they both mean home?
Monday, 20 January 2014
Crazy stuff
Haha, I just read on Wikipedia that "obsessive love" is considered a mental illness. Oh well, that just makes one more ingredient in the pot, now doesn't it? It also said that it's not real love, just an obsession. Bullshit! It starts with love the way true love is, and then develops into an obsession. You don't just start obsessing about someone for no reason! Besides, no one can tell what someone else is feeling is love or not. Only the heart knows such a thing.
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Friday, 17 January 2014
Everything for you
Still drawing his picture over and over, as if I'll get it right this time. But I can't rightfully portray such beauty. Don't just make copies of his photos, but try to draw him the way I see him. That is even harder.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
Thursday, 16 January 2014
I cannot cope at night
Is it gonna be like this every night, or what? I get more sensitive with the darkness, and somehow my loneliness becomes more potent. As of now that is a bad thing. I hate that I'm so fucking sensitive. Toughen up, already! Crying like a little girl, I should be ashamed of myself... but this anxiety is eating at my soul, this sadness is tearing me inside out.
I fear that I might start getting afraid of sleep again. Afraid of dreams and nightmares, of waking up in distress several times a night, of not waking up at all. Afraid of losing control I jump out of bed as soon as I'm awakened by the crew in the morning. Won't allow myself to sleep the day away. I fight to stay up as late as possible and I fight to get up as early as possible. It's a viscous circle.
And this fucking lovesickness. Ripping, tearing, aching, hurting, screaming inside me. I'm out out of words for it, cause I've already explained it a thousand times. A thousand tears each for my inability to cope, for the dream that can't come true, for the painful reality that he'sd taken and lives so far away and why would he even glance in my direction the way I want him to?
A thousand words to describe what I cannot put into words. I'm full of paradoxes and ambivalence, but this is so crude, so through and through. Filling up every space in my heart until no one else matters. No one else and nothing else. I neglect my friends, I neglect my family for an impossible dream, for a guy I cannot have.
I so hoped this was all just temporary, I wish that I would have died from it much sooner. Cause then I wouldn't have to suffer. Isn't that what death is, that you no longer have to suffer? Eight months in this mess, it's like a tangled cobweb I can't get out from, I just keep entangling myself deeper and deeper. And nothing makes any sense anymore.
I don't know who I am, I don't know what sort of life this is I'm trying to live. I live in his shadow. Cautiously following him around every corner, trying to hide my true feelings, always afraid of coming off as either too cold or too creepy.
Aching for his presense, his spoken words in my ear, his gentle touch that I can never have. For him to notice and find out that we have more in common than he realised. My endless thoughts are spinning aimlessly, devoured by too strong emotions, too much of everything that I cannot handle.
I just don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so lost and I feel as though I'm just getting more and more lost every day. I just have to get out of here, just have to get out of here...
I fear that I might start getting afraid of sleep again. Afraid of dreams and nightmares, of waking up in distress several times a night, of not waking up at all. Afraid of losing control I jump out of bed as soon as I'm awakened by the crew in the morning. Won't allow myself to sleep the day away. I fight to stay up as late as possible and I fight to get up as early as possible. It's a viscous circle.
And this fucking lovesickness. Ripping, tearing, aching, hurting, screaming inside me. I'm out out of words for it, cause I've already explained it a thousand times. A thousand tears each for my inability to cope, for the dream that can't come true, for the painful reality that he'sd taken and lives so far away and why would he even glance in my direction the way I want him to?
A thousand words to describe what I cannot put into words. I'm full of paradoxes and ambivalence, but this is so crude, so through and through. Filling up every space in my heart until no one else matters. No one else and nothing else. I neglect my friends, I neglect my family for an impossible dream, for a guy I cannot have.
I so hoped this was all just temporary, I wish that I would have died from it much sooner. Cause then I wouldn't have to suffer. Isn't that what death is, that you no longer have to suffer? Eight months in this mess, it's like a tangled cobweb I can't get out from, I just keep entangling myself deeper and deeper. And nothing makes any sense anymore.
I don't know who I am, I don't know what sort of life this is I'm trying to live. I live in his shadow. Cautiously following him around every corner, trying to hide my true feelings, always afraid of coming off as either too cold or too creepy.
Aching for his presense, his spoken words in my ear, his gentle touch that I can never have. For him to notice and find out that we have more in common than he realised. My endless thoughts are spinning aimlessly, devoured by too strong emotions, too much of everything that I cannot handle.
I just don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so lost and I feel as though I'm just getting more and more lost every day. I just have to get out of here, just have to get out of here...
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
Fool for love
I'm still afraid that if I let myself feel, I will break into pieces. Still holding it back, but it's getting harder. It seeps through, like smoke through a window splice. It seeps through my medication, my will and fading strength. And I know it's poisonous. Feelings usually are, but this... I just know it's too strong. I've been down this road before, I know what will happen, just give me a little more time before it does.
Love is the worst feeling that I've ever experienced. Or unrequited love, to be more precise. When I'm in love with someone that I can't have, someone who just won't look at me that way, whatever the reason. Just thought of something though. If or when I tell him what I feel for him, how awkward won't it be when he realises that all these blog posts and all those poems were all about him?
I'm creepily obsessed, and I have been for many months now. Soon eight months. A lot has been written in that time. Not all was about him of course, but most of it mentions him in one way or another.
I still hold back writing down information about my love here. Of course I would never ever display private information, but that's not what I meant. I mean public information like that he likes Lord of the rings or what his hair looks like. Cause if I describe him too much, it would almost be like writing his name here. And I don't wanna do that, I don't want people to know.
Besides, what does it matter to you who it is? The question I get "who is it?" is to the person that asks more important than my answer. Especially since most or almost all of my friends don't even know of him. I've only told my two best friends and my mother. Okay, I really gotta tie this mess of a text up now.
Final statement
Perhaps you figured out, or maybe I've already told, that my main but not only reason to that I'm thinking of suicide again, is because of my love to him. Not because of him; he's a sweetheart, but because of my own stupid heart.
Love is the worst feeling that I've ever experienced. Or unrequited love, to be more precise. When I'm in love with someone that I can't have, someone who just won't look at me that way, whatever the reason. Just thought of something though. If or when I tell him what I feel for him, how awkward won't it be when he realises that all these blog posts and all those poems were all about him?
I'm creepily obsessed, and I have been for many months now. Soon eight months. A lot has been written in that time. Not all was about him of course, but most of it mentions him in one way or another.
I still hold back writing down information about my love here. Of course I would never ever display private information, but that's not what I meant. I mean public information like that he likes Lord of the rings or what his hair looks like. Cause if I describe him too much, it would almost be like writing his name here. And I don't wanna do that, I don't want people to know.
Besides, what does it matter to you who it is? The question I get "who is it?" is to the person that asks more important than my answer. Especially since most or almost all of my friends don't even know of him. I've only told my two best friends and my mother. Okay, I really gotta tie this mess of a text up now.
Final statement
Perhaps you figured out, or maybe I've already told, that my main but not only reason to that I'm thinking of suicide again, is because of my love to him. Not because of him; he's a sweetheart, but because of my own stupid heart.
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Yet another theory
Coldness. It can really set loose almost any emotion known to man inside me. Fear, hopelessness, eagerness, hatred, comfort, and right now it's pissing me off. Like: get the fuck warm or I'll do something I'll regret! I realise I'm actually talking to myself sometimes, and not only to Anna. Yes, this is an actual realisation. Maybe I've done that all the time but just didn't realise it until now, but it could be baby steps in trying to think for my own a little. Whatever that could be good for.
She is my emotional support and has been for as long as I can remember, or well, before I couldn't handle my thoughts at all, so in a way it was good that she came along. I've never really doubted that it was good she showed up in the first place, I was a terrible mess by that time. But I do think it might have been good if she had left before she became the problem. My post traumatic stress disorder is only masked by her existence.
I found out, a few months ago, that there is a kind of PTSD that causes dissociation and that is one of my many theories about Anna that in some view could be possible. About an imaginary person showing up right after a trauma, as a type of defence mechanism, and it's closely related to dissociative identity disorder. I'm definitely still fucked up over what happened all those years ago, so dissociation or not, PTSD is more than likely.
But a part of me still believes this is an exceptional thing that is a bit out of the ordinary, and can't really fit into just one particular diagnose. A dissociation wouldn't be permanent, as extended, deeply embed and developed as this. While at the same time a hallucination or a delusion wouldn't be so alike my own thoughts, permanent and constant. Cause I'm absolutely certain this is permanent, we will never become one again. It's like a fictional movie thing about split personality with the vast exception that we coexist as two different people. That is where DID doesn't fit in either. This is a mystery that I just can't let go of, okay?
I think maybe listening to Emilie Autumn sparked my thoughts this time, and reading a bit about her on Wikipedia. Thinking that maybe I should buy her book, cause apparently she wrote one, and it seems it could be interesting.
She is my emotional support and has been for as long as I can remember, or well, before I couldn't handle my thoughts at all, so in a way it was good that she came along. I've never really doubted that it was good she showed up in the first place, I was a terrible mess by that time. But I do think it might have been good if she had left before she became the problem. My post traumatic stress disorder is only masked by her existence.
I found out, a few months ago, that there is a kind of PTSD that causes dissociation and that is one of my many theories about Anna that in some view could be possible. About an imaginary person showing up right after a trauma, as a type of defence mechanism, and it's closely related to dissociative identity disorder. I'm definitely still fucked up over what happened all those years ago, so dissociation or not, PTSD is more than likely.
But a part of me still believes this is an exceptional thing that is a bit out of the ordinary, and can't really fit into just one particular diagnose. A dissociation wouldn't be permanent, as extended, deeply embed and developed as this. While at the same time a hallucination or a delusion wouldn't be so alike my own thoughts, permanent and constant. Cause I'm absolutely certain this is permanent, we will never become one again. It's like a fictional movie thing about split personality with the vast exception that we coexist as two different people. That is where DID doesn't fit in either. This is a mystery that I just can't let go of, okay?
I think maybe listening to Emilie Autumn sparked my thoughts this time, and reading a bit about her on Wikipedia. Thinking that maybe I should buy her book, cause apparently she wrote one, and it seems it could be interesting.
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Breaking what's already broken
Fucking cruel world this is. Just saying. Days like this I just wanna move into Azeroth and be "reborn" as a heartless Forsaken fighting for The Horde in World of Warcraft. I envy people who know how to love without ending up breaking their own hearts. I have my best friend in mind, cause she knows how to love and who. I envy that so much.
I don't even know how I manage to do that. Break my own heart. But it's so fragile nowadays, I was still torn up after that thing in 2011, already when I fell for my crush. My obsession, my everything, my one true love. Heartbroken and in love with another at the same time. And now somehow that pain has doubled, as I feel I'm about to get heartbroken again. Or maybe I already am.
How can you break an already broken heart? It's simple really, cause even the broken things can be further broken. Shards can become smaller shards, small shards can become splinter, splinter can be pulverised. It feels like what is left of my heart is only scar tissue, seams that are easily ripped up again and again and everything just seeps right through in either direction.
If I wasn't obsessed before, I sure am now. Cause I can't think of anything else than this thing that tears me to pieces a thousand times a day. That not even cutting, smoking, pain killers, sedatives, sleeping pills, anxiolytics, writing, watching movies, playing WoW, drinking tea or eating chocolate can fix. I'm dying inside and there's nothing I can do about it.
So yeah, sometimes I allow myself to wish that I was heartless or cold hearted. That that would make things easier. But you know what they say, right? That it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Sometimes I doubt that. I've been through so much pain when it comes to love that I'd rather just erase it all from my memory.
I don't even know how I manage to do that. Break my own heart. But it's so fragile nowadays, I was still torn up after that thing in 2011, already when I fell for my crush. My obsession, my everything, my one true love. Heartbroken and in love with another at the same time. And now somehow that pain has doubled, as I feel I'm about to get heartbroken again. Or maybe I already am.
How can you break an already broken heart? It's simple really, cause even the broken things can be further broken. Shards can become smaller shards, small shards can become splinter, splinter can be pulverised. It feels like what is left of my heart is only scar tissue, seams that are easily ripped up again and again and everything just seeps right through in either direction.
If I wasn't obsessed before, I sure am now. Cause I can't think of anything else than this thing that tears me to pieces a thousand times a day. That not even cutting, smoking, pain killers, sedatives, sleeping pills, anxiolytics, writing, watching movies, playing WoW, drinking tea or eating chocolate can fix. I'm dying inside and there's nothing I can do about it.
So yeah, sometimes I allow myself to wish that I was heartless or cold hearted. That that would make things easier. But you know what they say, right? That it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Sometimes I doubt that. I've been through so much pain when it comes to love that I'd rather just erase it all from my memory.
How much longer
I've started to escape my reality with sleep. To the point of taking more sedatives when I wake up so that I can sleep some more. I just tipped the scale, didn't I? From extreme sleep deprivation to over sleeping. It all stems from the same problem though: don't wanna sleep, and don't wanna be awake at the same time.
Didn't go to the grocery store today, even though I'm all out of food, or almost. My anxiety or sadness is still deep and I'd rather just sit in here doing nothing, than put on a jacket and go buy some food. On one hand I think that nobody cares about my suffering, but on the other hand I think they all care too much.
This is something I can't do anything about, I only have two options. One being keep bottling it up, keep pressing all these feeling away as far as I possibly can. The other is letting them roam free and possibly destroy me in the process. I suppose I value my life more this time, and I protect it as much as I can. But my mind is sore and my heart is weak. Carrying this is tiring me and I don't know how much further I'll be able to.
Once again I'm falling apart, but this time I'm actually trying not to. Willed enough to keep on fighting, but not strong enough. And I thought self destruction was only something you do by choice.
Didn't go to the grocery store today, even though I'm all out of food, or almost. My anxiety or sadness is still deep and I'd rather just sit in here doing nothing, than put on a jacket and go buy some food. On one hand I think that nobody cares about my suffering, but on the other hand I think they all care too much.
This is something I can't do anything about, I only have two options. One being keep bottling it up, keep pressing all these feeling away as far as I possibly can. The other is letting them roam free and possibly destroy me in the process. I suppose I value my life more this time, and I protect it as much as I can. But my mind is sore and my heart is weak. Carrying this is tiring me and I don't know how much further I'll be able to.
Once again I'm falling apart, but this time I'm actually trying not to. Willed enough to keep on fighting, but not strong enough. And I thought self destruction was only something you do by choice.
Friday, 22 November 2013
Hopes and hopelessness
I had a meeting with my psychiatrist today, and she said she'd call the hospital in Huddinge to try and find out what's going on over there. Cause I haven't heard as much as a whisper since I was there in August and I've been climbing on the walls for quite a while now. The worst is not the waiting, it's not knowing how long I should be waiting for. It's not certain she'll reach the right person over the phone, or if they would tell her anything, or if they even have anything to tell her. Worth a try though.
It's like I'm playing "catch me if you can" with sleep itself. Making the frightening chase into a chaotic, potentially dangerous, self destructive game. A competition of hours, another obsession, a fucking achievement.
Though, it lets me think of something else, focus my mind off my main obsession for a little while. My crush. Cause thinking of him is getting more and more painful each passing day. Knowing that he's so far away both literally and figuratively makes it harder and harder to cope, as I'm slowly realising how impossible my dreams are. I knew this would happen sooner or later, I just wished it could have been later.
This sadness is growing bigger inside me. A little more today than it was yesterday, and it was more yesterday than the day before that. It's a heavy, calm sadness like a soft dark veil swept over my face. Not the brutal, numbing sadness that brings endless amounts of tears and low self esteem. Though I do cry quite a lot, but only when provoked and often while watching a movie or reading something sad. Like twenty times a day... I also isolate more, cause I don't want to face the world outside.
I look at the world with more gloomy eyes, a bitter frown at the colours of the nature around the corner. I smile a fake smile when someone points out a cute animal before my eyes, as dark thoughts ravage my head and I couldn't care less about the creature. I have to bite my tongue to not let out all of my negative thoughts and pessimistic views on my so called future.
Cause I need for people to know that I still keep my hopes up, it's just that I can't express them any longer. For what I hope for and what I believe will happen isn't the same thing.
It's like I'm playing "catch me if you can" with sleep itself. Making the frightening chase into a chaotic, potentially dangerous, self destructive game. A competition of hours, another obsession, a fucking achievement.
Though, it lets me think of something else, focus my mind off my main obsession for a little while. My crush. Cause thinking of him is getting more and more painful each passing day. Knowing that he's so far away both literally and figuratively makes it harder and harder to cope, as I'm slowly realising how impossible my dreams are. I knew this would happen sooner or later, I just wished it could have been later.
This sadness is growing bigger inside me. A little more today than it was yesterday, and it was more yesterday than the day before that. It's a heavy, calm sadness like a soft dark veil swept over my face. Not the brutal, numbing sadness that brings endless amounts of tears and low self esteem. Though I do cry quite a lot, but only when provoked and often while watching a movie or reading something sad. Like twenty times a day... I also isolate more, cause I don't want to face the world outside.
I look at the world with more gloomy eyes, a bitter frown at the colours of the nature around the corner. I smile a fake smile when someone points out a cute animal before my eyes, as dark thoughts ravage my head and I couldn't care less about the creature. I have to bite my tongue to not let out all of my negative thoughts and pessimistic views on my so called future.
Cause I need for people to know that I still keep my hopes up, it's just that I can't express them any longer. For what I hope for and what I believe will happen isn't the same thing.
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