Starve for control

I think a whole lot about food and eating, don't I? A bit too much I'd say, cause it makes me sick just thinking about it. My relationship to food has become worse, I realise. I still wanna lose weight and not eat, but I wish I could stop obsessing about it. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe I won't get an eating disorder.

At least I hope so, cause I don't want to get new problems all the time. But I know I'm in the risk zone. I've been a bit pro-ana to be honest, though I'm not proud of that. Not at all. I mean I've been jealous of anorexic people, that they can keep such control over what they're eating when I couldn't. That they can stay thin and even if they get better they're not likely to ever get fat. More likely to fall back though, but still. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I know...

I am a control freak, even though it might not be obvious. There's so much that I feel is out of control which drives me crazy, so I have to find things that I can control. And I found out I could control what I'm eating last spring, or at least I tried. I impatiently tried to be anorexic, or at least living that way. I was desperate to lose weight. I still am.

For every kilo that I lose I get inspired to lose more. I starve constantly and have done so for months at an end now. Almost a year (I don't remember exactly when it started). "Good" thing that my metabolism can handle that. I say good like that cause I want to see more results from my lack of eating. I don't just starve cause I hate food, I do it cause I hate my body.

My body image is really bad and my self esteem is low. I can still eat properly when offered food though, unless it's really disgusting of course. I don't eat much, cause there's just not so much room in my stomach anymore. That tends to happen when you eat very little for a long time.

I don't know what happened last spring. What drove me to this way of living. I had been over weight for almost two years by then, so it wasn't a recent weight gain. But for some reason I must have just snapped eventually. That I needed for something to be done about my hatred towards my body.

I've always hated the way I look and thought I was too fat since I was about six or seven years old. It's almost amazing I lasted this long without eating disorders. If you look at it that way. Eating has always been a problem one way or another and so has the way I look been for me, it's just that last year they combined. All I see is a downward hill but it could also still change. I'm not there yet, I could turn it around... if I wanted to. And that is my problem. If I really don't want to have an eating disorder, why don't I do something about that?

Cause it's always been a goal in my life to be thin and good looking, just like for (almost) everyone else. And I'm working towards that goal, so why would I wanna ruin that? I'm one of few who actually said "I've had enough" and went to do something about it. No way I'm gonna stop now. No way, I'm just starting.

When to stop and start

I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.

Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.

I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.

Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...

A good way to start

I'm a bit distracted. Get into imaginary conversations already though I just woke up. Have a sensation this will be a busy day. If my mind is so clear and intense already, I mean.

It looks warm and sunny outside, a nice day for a walk. For my daily walk. I start with a walk right after my morning coffee these days. Well, my mornings tend to happen at any time of the day. Morning for me is first two or so hours after I wake up; whether it's actually morning, noon or afternoon.

Getting dressed, start my computer, have a coffee and one or two cigarettes, then a fast and short walk around half the block. It's about three or four houses that I walk around and it takes a couple of minutes or so. I think it's effective cause it makes me wake up and stop yawning and stretching uncontrollably.

I have another appointment at the district health care centre May 7th and I need to tell them that this surgical tape is starting to irritate my skin. I've worn such tape every night and day for almost two months now and I think my skin needs to breathe.

I didn't think I'd say this, but I want my dead nipples to fall off now so it can heal faster so that I won't need to wear that tape over them all the time anymore. I want to be free of it, even if that means ugly scars. The scars aren't gonna be pretty anyway, so.

I remember that at the first meeting with the surgeon I was intended to have to begin with, in August, I said that I have no problem with getting more scars. Feels like I have to eat my words now...

Okay, just had my walk. It's even warmer than I thought it was, and my leather jacket was too warm. Used the five step stair up to my apartment floor as a little exercise as well. Walked them up and down a few times. Stairs are good.

Dreading that I have to start eating again when I want to start building muscles. I know you can't starve and expect muscle gain, I've seen and heard of what happens then. You just lose weight and it's restraining and not very rewarding the way you want it to be. If I was way thinner it would eat at my muscles instead of me gaining them, but since I still have a lot of fat to take of (I might not be fat, but my percent of body fat is quite high for a guy of my size) it will most likely just make me lose more of that. My BMI is at 22,7 so it's very much a normal weight for my height. (19-25 is that normal range).

Of course I wanna get thinner, but that is not the way to get toned, if you know what I mean. There's a difference in how to do it depending on what results you want to achieve. I'm not completely clueless. So I don't just have to change what I'm eating, I have to start eating something altogether. I'll look into that later.

Though since I do want to lose more weight I think I can with success make a gradation to eating more and exercise more over time. Start with condition work out while I'm still barely eating should make me lose weight fast, and then start eating more and more as I move on to more heavy exercise. Good deal? That way I won't shock my body into new routines either. At least that is my vague plan just so that I know where to start.

I kinda wanna start right away, but of course the gym is closed today. Tomorrow at 17:00, I'll be there! They're only open between 16:30 and 20:00 so I can't really go there earlier. I'm "solving" the locker room hassle by going there already changed and then I go home for the shower. It's only a ten minutes walk to there so it won't be a problem.

I want to have a hard time explaining why I look so fit to my surgeon at our follow up in the summer. Like he would explain that I wasn't supposed to start with that until later and I'll act like I don't understand why he would accuse me for doing that. I don't know, I could be wrong about that though. I'm just not gonna ask.

What's in my power

I think maybe it's a bit warmer today, cause I went outside wearing my leather coat with only a fish net shirt underneath on my upper body and it wasn't that cold at all. Well, it wasn't that warm and cosy either, but still. Just did it to take some photos. Needed some nice ones with my new haircut. Now everything smells like hairspray though... and I need to get some nice wax for my hair.

Think I'm gonna take the bandage off my horizontal scars soon, cause the wounds have closed up by now. So no need, I mean. I feel so damn restless today. like I wanna run around and exercise and stuff. It's like I actually want to go to the gym, not just thinking I need to. Spring, it does things to you.

Need to heal up for at least another month, possibly even two. I know of other transguys who started working out just a few weeks after their top surgery, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. The nice weather isn't helping.

My hands are shaking for no reason. It's annoying, almost dropping my cigarette in my lap. That's frigging dangerous. And I like my new pants. They're a little too short, but I've completely moved in to them. Black, tight, comfortable, and I look good in them. Well, as good as I can, that is. My major dysphoria is my ass and thighs now. My weight is still a problem, but I'd rather gain muscles now. Priorities. And I'm not fat, not even close, no matter how fat I think I am.

Though I know that I pass very well now, especially with the short hair and all, but I'm always a bit afraid that people would question my gender if they paid too much attention to my body. And I really want to work that ass off, kinda literally. Though I suppose I could do that, carefully, as long as I don't restrain my upper body too much in the process.

But the yeah, bulking up my upper body would be a compensation of sorts. Been on testosterone long enough for it to be fairly easy for me to gain muscles now, so that will hopefully not be a problem, as long as I'm patient enough.

Patience. Now that has started to become a problem as of lately. It's like I've been waiting and waiting and given things so much time it feels like I'm gonna grow grey hair at an early age. It's like all I have is time and I have nothing else to give and I'm getting tired of that. I wish I had some effort to give, or some sort of inner power. Cause I can't help but feeling powerless.

I'm betting with Anna now, which is perhaps kinda weird. About me getting a low level character in WoW to level 10 before I get tired of him. She's betting that I won't, and if she's right I'm gonna go and eat breakfast. If I'm right, I can starve a little longer. Cause we can't really bet on money or anything substantial like that. Took some time to figure something out that can actually be paid in reality. I bet you're all on her side on this, am I right?

Getting back to that

My eating habits, or lack there of, might start to become a problem. I only have three things on my menu: sandwiches, noodles and diet drinks. It's been like this for several months now, starting sometime in November or December last year. With some eating problems already before that, of course.

The only exception was during Christmas and new years, but I didn't stuff myself so much then either. Sometimes I eat sweets though, like once or twice in a month, so I'm not completely against that. Not so very varying diet, and not so much of anything really. Almost no meat or vegetables.

I don't like talking about food or eating, but it just crossed my mind. That it's been like this for months now. Cause I seriously thought that this was a phase that would pass and then I'd start feeding on pizza and microwaved meals again. Instead, I'm gonna have a dinner consisting of two pieces of hard bread with ham and a cup of coffee. It's either that or plain, spiced noodles. All I care about is to stop the hunger and that as quickly and effectively as possible.

My guess is that I get around 500 calories a day, maybe less, maybe a little more. I've lost 3 kg in as many months. Why I don't lose more weight has probably something to do with all that sweet coffee and tea I drink every day.

Gosh, I really care more about my weight than I care about my health. It's like I'd risk malnutrition for a smaller butt. Priorities, I seem to get back on that issue a lot. What is more important and why are my priorities a bit, erhm... fucked up?

How many obsession do I have really...

I feel guilty eating sweets, like I'm asking for a weight gain. I know that thought is possessing my mind these days, poisoning my mind, but I let it. I let it torture me until I've reached my goal. I know that without trying I can steadily keep a weight, any weight really. It's just getting there that is hard.

I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.

Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.

I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.

So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.

At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...

Weekly maintenance

Oh fuck, it's Wednesday. What do I hate about Wednesdays? World of warcraft is under its weekly maintenance. Shut down until 11 o'clock. Instead I try to listen to "The Hobbit" on audio book. But writing one thing and listening to another isn't easy. Not impossible, as you can probably tell, but sure not easy.

I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.

It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.

I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.

Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.

When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.

I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.

I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.

Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.

30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.

I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.

I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.

Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.

Still obsessing about WoW

I woke up so many times tonight, thinking that I just had to get up early to play WoW before the meeting. So when I woke up the last time around 7:00, I though I might as well just do that then. I'm still obsessed with playing world of warcraft, and started the day with buying a bunch of expensive glyphs (with in game currency of course). Sure I could have transferred my goblin who has inscription and just made them myself, but that would be tedious and he can't even make most of the glyphs that I wanted.

Should need to decide which realm I want all my "important" horde characters, but as of now I have most of them on Sha'tar and the rest on Argent Dawn. Both role play servers. I transferred my main hordie to the latter just yesterday, because I wanted to make that robe and shoulders I mentioned in a previous entry. Or did I...? However, I needed my tailor available.

I fit into my old, favourite pair of jeans now. They are tight, and clench my stomach when I sit down, but they fit. Should get stretch jeans, that way I wouldn't have to feel so fat in them. Though they itch cause I'm a little sensitive to the elastic material in clothing. Yeah, even socks itch. Very well then, just gonna finish off a few quests before I head out the door.

Pessimystic

Damn you mind, why did I have to get extreme lack of appetite over the Christmas holiday? I think I've even lost some weight. Cause all of a sudden my favourite hoodie seems two sizes too big. I really know how to complain about everything, don't I? I want to lose weight, but I also want to indulge a little in the end of December.

Today I'm quite a mess. Couldn't sleep at all tonight, so I've been awake for around 26 hours and the last time I ate something was around 6 or 7 last night. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to starve myself, I just don't try to eat either.

I try to listen to my body, somewhat. I look at the time and say to myself "I should eat something" but then I try to figure out if I can go on a little longer without food. And usually I can. I'm just very lazy really. Too much effort to fix food, even just smearing butter on a piece of bread.

And then it's the thing that I don't know what to do while I'm eating. Can't play WoW, draw, write or anything really. I so hate just sitting on my ass and chew on something more or less boring until I stop only because it's too damn boring.

Hah, I bet you could compare me with the starving children in Africa now. That I have a fridge packed with food but I rather go hours and hours without eating because it's boring. But it's always been like that with me. I don't take these things for granted, and I hate being bound to always, every day for the rest of my life eat, sleep, wake up, going to the loo, and so on. Those basic needs. I'm just so fucking tired of doing them, and I wish I didn't have to.

I'm one of those few pessimists who compares eating with cleaning the house. Like: why should I clean the house when it gets dirty the next day anyway? And I'm like: why should I eat when my stomach always becomes empty again? It's like trying to fill a god damn black hole. Argh.. enough complaining for now.

*Title is from a song by Alice Cooper.

Simply existing

I think I'm opting for a caffeine overdose tonight. Six pills and two energy drinks in less than three hours. That would count as eight cups of coffee... Don't worry, I'll call an ambulance before I go into cardiac arrest. It's when I reach this state, after being awake for more than 30 hours and the third night falls, I get so tired that I have to double or triple my caffeine consumption to be able to keep awake. I've never been able to be up for four nights or more in a row, so can't tell how that would go.

I'm shivering, chain smoking and can't think about anything but simply existing right now. Holding my breath, breathe, feel my jaded heartbeats and the coldness on my back, the smoke in my eyes, the robe belt fastened too tight around my waist, my tense stomach, rocking myself to the rhythm to the music and the little aches in my wrists from all the typing.

Existing... why is it so hard sometimes? There's so much on my mind it's nothing at all. My whole body aches, except for my knees for some reason. Focus on them then. But I can't feel them, the little comfort there is disappears in all the pain. Why does my body have to be such a bitch? Demanding things I simply cannot give it. Is that how I am disabled? That I can't provide my body what it needs cause I'm that crazy. And I'm constantly deteriorating and I've been doing so since ever. But my body is strong, young and healthy.

Yet I feel old. Cause I can't carry the weight I have, constantly aching, tired and have no energy at all. I have all time in the world, but no energy to do anything the world has to give me. Not so strange that I feel like shit. And I'm still wanting to get in shape so it can give me some of that energy I lack, but knowing deep inside my heart that's not the way it works. It didn't work in junior high, so why should it now? I was healthier and younger then, ate better and trained karate three times a week, yet I was so damn tired and constantly aching already then. I just chose to ignore it, until I no longer could.

So why bother then? First of all, because I'm not gonna give up just because I've lost my hopes. That might sound contradiction, but it isn't. One is a feeling, the other is a choice, and I chose to go against that feeling.

I'm cold sweating now also. I hate it when that happens but I know it so well. Shivering in my own sweat, my body cooling itself down when I'm already cold which makes me even colder. This night feels so damn long, and it has barely just begun.

Hair

Well okay, it was like a disaster falling asleep and waking up, but I just now remember having nightmares too. In my dream my hair was falling off and I was left with tangled wisps which made me devastated! I seem to be a bit extra vain about my hair these days. Probably because it's getting longer and therefor needs more care. Also that the longer it gets, the more I like my hair. I'm like this ancient god or whatever who’s power was in their hair. It sort of feels a bit like that! The more satisfied I am with my hair, the more satisfied I am with myself, and it isn't so stupid thinking there lies a little power in that, is it? It's finally grown to the minimum length of my requirements, an inch underneath my nipples. It's practical in case I’d be caught bare chested. Silly really, cause that hasn't happened since upper school and I doubt it ever will happen again. I wonder how my hair will look on a flat chest... Anyways, I guess you can understand why that dream I had was a nightmare.

I’ve always had this irrational fear, since I was a kid, that someone would cut my hair when I’m asleep. Mostly at that time it was my sister's intentions I feared. I heard from a classmate at school that happened to, and ever since I’ve had that fear. When I listened to Lady Gaga's song “Hair” that memory came back to me. In it she sings that she feared that her mother would cut her hair at night. She probably had a more reasonable cause than I did, but still.

While we are on the topic of hair, that is sort of my indicator the testosterone I’m taking actually has some effect on me. That and my body odour. My thighs in particular are getting quite fussy, which is really neat, it makes them look less ugly, and I sort of think it gives them a little shading and could give the impression that they're less fat. I also suspect that testosterone has caused some fat redistribution, since I can now wear my leather pants which I couldn't a few weeks ago, even thought I’m on the same weight then as I am right now, 71 kg as of yesterday. I’m still amazed the battery in my scale is still working. It's been around since I bought the scale in autumn 2010, three fucking years! I’m starting to suspect that battery has been effected by some sort of sorcery which gave it eternal life or something! And I would be even more amazed if it suddenly would die.