I'm hiding my true feelings even to myself right now. Cause it's better that way. I don't want to feel them, know of them or deal with them. It's heavy enough as it is. Surviving... just focus on that. Eat, sleep, wake up, smoke, pop pills, cut, do whatever is necessary, escape escape escape. Into tv-shows, internet, writing, world of warcraft, anything.
By the way, I've decided to never answer my phone again if it's a secret number calling. Fucking Radiotjänst and telemarketers. Gave me so much anxiety last night, I didn't know what to do with myself. Really, really don't need more of that. In fact my phone rang so many times just a few hours after I had gotten back home yesterday, it threw me into a black hole of despair. Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration, but damn I went furious, anxious, I couldn't deal with it. Starting to hyperventilate and cold sweat after a phone call? Yeah, I guess it would depend on the conversation.
So yeah, welcome home and yada yada. Eventually I fell asleep some time in the early morning, so out of it on drugs I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. Falling asleep filled to the brim with anxiety is just as bad as falling asleep right after an argument. Possibly worse. I woke up at ten this morning, but I stayed in bed until three in the afternoon because I couldn't find a reason to get up. And I'm still bummed after that anxiety attack. Reasons to live, wish I had any.
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