With my heart on the edge

I still miss him, but I don't know what to say here. If I start writing about him and what's been up, he'll definitely know it's him if he reads this. If he doesn't already know, that is. But yeah, I'd say things are going in the right direction now.

I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.

It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.

Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.

I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.

All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?

I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.

I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.

Skin tight

I've always believed, but it still surprises me. I do this ritual thingy every day before I go to bed, to make my beard growth increase, beyond what the hormones can do. And now... I think it's actually working. Side effects: more acne, itching and slight skin irritation. I look at my hands for only a moment, trembling. The power in them, it makes the skin feel weird, as if it was the skin itself holding that power.

Only a small part of me can't understand how this can be real, though the most of me has always taken my magic powers for granted. I'm a demon warlock incarnate, what else can be expected? Yet, I'm still surprised. The natural laws here have bound me for so long, that this feels like break through. A small one, but still a break through.

What I would be able to do if this goes the way I want it to. Suddenly, a lot of opportunities open up, and I will be taking on bigger projects in changing the way I look. Not just hair and eyes and skin, but re-shaping my so very hated curves. I don't know if it could be possible, I don't know just how much power I have. It will certainly be worth a try or two though, in the future. I don't wanna get drained, since it's kinda a bad time for that, with the up coming surgery and stuff. Shit, I'm seriously vain...

But will I make people believe in me? Perhaps a little demonstration to prove them wrong? Uh-uh, not gonna happen. I don't even talk about it, I might have just mentioned it briefly at one point or another, but I definitely don't brag or show off. That's not what I want. But if this really will work and have the outcome I plan for it, it will be obvious. 



Oh, and sixth round of bleaching my hair, by the way. Will post pictures later, along with pictures from my fifth round that I did a couple of weeks ago, but never made it to the internet.

Controlling energy

I just thought of something. Maybe only crazy people are given magical powers? So that no one will believe them. Cause that would just be so typical for this dimension. Yes, I do say there is real magic in this world, but it's rare and very well hidden to most people. I think maybe you have to be a bit crazy to believe in it. And how can you get magical powers if you don't believe in magic? You can't just get them cause you want them, you know.

Much lies beyond, in other dimensions or very far back or forward in time. Magic does too. It's almost like it's not supposed to be here where nature and human technology rules. But it slips through. Here it's not the kind of magic that I was used to back in Dala, but I do think that I brought with me some of the energies from my home place.

You see, I believe in the possibility that energy in its purest form can transfer between different dimensions that exist and co-exist in our universe. Like auras, I think mine is different from others because of where I come from. Not entirely different of course, and it's something that can never be proven or dis-proven. I just sense it, know it in my soul somehow. And I think that is why I can do the things I can do.

I don't think anyone would truly believe in magic unless they are the ones performing it. It's one thing to see someone else perform it, cause how can you tell if it's actually real? It's most likely an illusion, or a trick. But imagine that you hold that power. With will, instinct, spells or faith, you can change things that aren't supposed to be possible to change. Would you believe it then?

Honestly I don't know what to do with my powers. They're like this little hobby project that I can't really control. Gah, I wish there was a Hogwartz in reality! No kidding aside, it is fairly complicated and I don't think I even understand it most of the time. Still asking myself "how is this even possible?" like five times a day. Yeah, it's become that much lately. Small things, but still.

Most of it I can't really describe, it's more like instincts I guess, just that they magically work every single time. That I just know what will happen if I do a certain thing. Like I get this feeling that if I do something specific I guarantee that what I want for the moment will happen, and it does. But I can't control that feeling to "appear" whenever I want it to. It's always sudden and very strong, like I get a signal from somewhere, a command that I can choose to act upon if I want to.

And then the stuff about changing my appearance. It only works if it's something small, and over time. I can't make instant changes, but they will be permanent, I think. I've never tried to change it back. When I decide to change something, I have to concentrate a lot for a few minutes every day or so, and over the time of perhaps a week it changes. Maybe it's some sort of energy manipulation?

It's not like I see it right before my eyes, it's slow. Like a sun tan or something. Maybe I'll be able to make instant changes one day, but as I said, I don't have that much control over it yet. Patience, it truly is a virtue.

Impossibly possible

I love my paradoxes sometimes. How they overlap and extinct each other. Like red and green just becomes brown, but sometimes brown can become red and green separately. Figuratively. Did you know that once I was told that you can't mix colours to create a primary colour, and that I said fuck that and with purple and green I got red. Not a very clear red, but it was a shade of red. Like a matte scarlet shade. Perhaps that is a fake memory, a delusion (I was ten, how schizo could I have been?) or my magic powers (okay, maybe I was a bit schizo already then...)

Ah, I really don't understand sometimes. Or I just can't explain, those magic powers. How can they be, and how come no one believes me even when it's right in front of their eyes? My hair is supposed to be light/medium brown, unchangeable, but now it's dark brown naturally. Just look at my eyebrows, I haven't dyed them since the summer! And my eyes, they turned green over night. I created a primary colour from two secondary, which is supposed to be impossible.

Maybe that's it. It is impossible. Period. Even if it actually happens, no one will believe it. That's how you humans work, you don't believe in anything unless you are the one experiencing it, no matter what that is. I don't work the way you do, I believe there's a possibility for absolutely everything to exist. I don't need proof, I don't need first hand experiences. Maybe it's not me who is crazy, maybe it's just humans that are too dumb to stop pretending to be blind and deaf.

This is, and has been hard for me. My whole life I have never known what is real or not. What actually happened or not. I think the breaking point between my past life and this, along with bullying and abuse, made me Schizophrenic at a very young age.

I was a very private person as a child, and I hid all of my rather severe mental problems. I was already then, in my soul, old enough to understand that it was not something you talk about. I really went out of my way to hide the fact that I heard voices and practised magic in the living room at home when everyone was asleep. I didn't tell people about my odd experiences, maybe just my parents, but they don't even believe in mental illness. They just see it as we are all different.

I only see the world through my own, rather impaired eyes. What should I compare with? How can I possibly know what reality is? Is it like a boring dream with less time jumps, or more like a hollywood movie with less drama? Or am I fishing again?

I know "regular" people usually don't experience previously mentioned stuff, but what about all the rest? There are too many gaps to fill, too much chaos I cannot define. I mean I don't even know what psychotic means! I've read so much about it, but I still can't understand. I think that is because I'm already in it. A light form of a permanent psychosis. So deeply embedded delusions that more or less have come to define the person that I am today. And that's why it's so difficult, so painful, to look beyond it. Cause what is left? Is there anything left?

I think I've built everything on what actually isn't real. All of my beliefs, my hopes, dreams, goals, wishes, fate, everything. Goddamn hard it is to get off this chair and go to the store today...