Learn to like it

I actually went into a dungeon, but bloody hell I think my heart almost beat its way out of my chest. My hands are still shaking. Not even Zyprexa helped against that panic attack... Neither did the coffee nor the cigarettes. I only took a sip of that Jäger, tasted strange with the coffee.

Listening to Men Without Hats and not getting kicked out of the group for bad behaviour was good though. I failed once and told the group how sorry I was, that I'd never been in that dungeon before. Got no complaints.

The whole group got wiped but it wasn't because of me, the tank stepped in something he shouldn't have done and died. Then died the rest, I last. Probably because I have healing and a nice magic shield that absorbs the damage I take, to an extent of course. I even tried to stay alive while the final boss beat the crap out of my character, while waiting for the others to resurrect. Failed though. You don't survive that long without the tank, I've come to notice.

Damn, it feels like I don't know a shit about this. It's too much to consider and my complete lack of ability to multi-task is getting in the way. I don't know where to stand, when to attack, which spells to use in what order to not be considered a noob by the experts, and so on. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.

I wish I could stop being so painfully nervous when I group up for a dungeon... It's just a game for fucks sake! And I don't owe the other group members anything. They're strangers on a packed server that I'll probably never see again and if I do we won't recognise/remember each other. And if I do get kicked from a group for bad behaviour I can just enter a new one and hope it goes better next time. So what's really the harm in being a bit inexperienced and dumb?

I just wish I had friends to play WoW with, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with strangers. The anxiety is beyond awful, and the little experience I gained for the trouble was beyond disappointing. Also voice chat would be nice, so I won't have to look in the text field on the screen all the time when I should keep track of the monsters attacking me instead, and stop everything I do for too many seconds to write a message with shaking hands... I believe my English is good enough for me to be able to handle a voice chat with people from other countries, but other Swedes would be the best of course. Either way it's not important.

I just suck at socialising and making friends online. I've only really become friends with one person in WoW, and that was way long ago. I suppose he's even forgotten about me or even stopped playing. An erratic 14 year old guy at that time, from England. That would make him 16 or 17 by now. He thought I was weird, a transsexual guy playing as a female night elf. Oh, well.

I'm slowly winding down now. Don't know if I'll be able to go through another dungeon tonight, but I think I could set it a goal to do one run a day. Get in the feel and get used to it. Learn to not panic over it. And maybe some day I will be able to even enjoy it. Maybe, some day...