Constant worry

I should be worrying about the right thing, but my brain just sort of picks its choice without my consent. I think that if I really have to worry about something, it should at least be something worth worrying about. I really should do something about that worry, before this anxiety just gets worse and worse. I know that when my stomach hurts and I start rocking myself on a daily basis, it's not a good thing.

Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.

This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.

Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.

The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.

Following the pattern

So I figured out that "three days of misery" -cycle yesterday? Anxiety, sadness, anger and then it starts over again. So yesterday was day four with anxiety again, and today... wait for it... I'm riddled with sadness. So I'm "looking forward" to get anger tomorrow then. Seems very repetitive, can't I get something new instead? Oh, have to be careful what I wish for, cause it might just come true.

It's heavy, this sadness. As if there was a weight on me, a pressure of some sort. I don't know why I feel so sad though. If it's the music I listen to, the memories that haunt me, the weather outside my window, or the mess of things occupying this room. Everything I think of becomes sad in a way, I see the gloom in everything.

Starving is like sliding down a hill. It tears you up and wears you out. No... I do try.

Ok, how the hell does one lose a pack of eggs? I hereby resign from life. Seriously, I bought them yesterday, but I've somehow lost them completely. I don't care, I won't look for them, I won't do anything that involves eggs or any other household thing. Just gonna do the only thing I'm good at: sit on my ass and feel like shit.

Yeah, I'm just having a bad day... week... month... year... life. Seriously, this sucks. It's like I'm lost in a darkness somewhere and no matter how much light I bring I still can't see anything. Maybe that means that I'm blind. Figuratively, I think that I am blind, cause I can only see darkness.

I may not have a main character in WoW, but I think that Izanamí is my favourite character. Maybe that counts, and also that I still can't stop playing with him. I log in every day, and I always start with doing quests as Izanamí. I think I'll call him my main. He kinda deserves it.



Soundtrack: "I want it all" by Queen.

From one obsession to another

I'm having fun in WoW again. Letting out sounds like "yay" "yes" "oooh nice", smiling and laughing to myself. Damn, I love it when I have something to smile about. I treasure every single one of those moments. Anyway, I got jewelcrafting from 498 to 587 in an hour. Only 13 points left! Not bad, not bad at all! Way beyond expectation.

I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?

I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.

Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.

I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.

For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.

But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.