Open doors

I finally brought it up with my psychologist. That I wanna talk about my traumas. Only took me about eight months to muster that... I lightly (well, maybe not so lightly) write about some of those ordeals, what I'm okay with sharing, but it's a whole different thing talking about it face to face with someone. Especially when I'm sober. I might even tell her not only about what I've been put through by others (which I have shared here and in real life) but also about what I've done to other people.

I'm not such an innocent little flower, you know. Or well, I don't know what got into me exactly at those times when those things happened. Probably must have completely lost my mind for a day or two. I still don't know why I did what I did, it's beyond me. I'm kind and caring and would never harm another living creature on purpose, would I? Except that I have.

And I can't wrap my head around that. Maybe there is evil somewhere inside all of us, just that I happened to be one of those who acted out on it. There's so much I don't understand about myself, but those things... I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me when I think about it.

Maybe I shouldn't, you know, think about it. If it pains me so much and I just get nowhere when I'm trying to sort it out. I just entangle myself in it and the problem only grows bigger. The problem that I can't accept myself for the awful things I have done, and I wouldn't accept anyone else for having done the same things either. There was a time when I thought "those people" should be locked up in prison, or even be executed. Would that justify a suicide? I don't know.

But I wouldn't wanna kill myself as an excuse to society, and those I've hurt by my deeds would only become devastated if I die. That is a problem. I suppose you're figuring out that it's someone I'm still in contact with, someone who knows me. Then you're right, but I won't say more than that. There's only two people by the way, that I hurt, if that's of any consolation at all. Better than three or five or ten, I mean. Though I'm not diminishing it.

I don't want to kill myself, and especially not for something that happened several years ago. I've had reasons, millions of reasons for suicide, but this has never been it. Is that wrong of me, thinking that I don't deserve to die, but that I have in my past thought that people who have done the same things rightfully deserved to die?

I mean look a society. We have a criminal justice system, and the state or something decides who should be locked up or not. I was too young for my first deed but had I been older and gotten reported I would most likely have ended up in prison or a likewise place depending on age. But then my gender would also likely have been confusing so you never know. Cause "girls don't do that" kinda crap, not that I was a girl, but you get it. There are certain things you wouldn't accuse a girl of doing. All I know is that most sane people don't want creeps who have done such things walking around on the streets. I could do it again, right?

Isn't that what the criminal justice system is made for, to stop criminals from acting out again? I can safely say that I will never ever lose my mind like that and do something like that again. Ever. But the thing is that I have already done it and once things are done they cannot be undone. I would if I could though. Oh, I so definitely would undo it if I could...

But back to where I was going with this. I'm very divided around the subject of right and wrong because of this. Cause if I would firmly stand by my words I would go against my own deeds, if that makes any sense. My sense of right and wrong is colliding. I'm the kid in a candy store telling everyone it's wrong to steal but still has stolen candy before in that store. But now we're talking much worse things than stealing candy. Very hush hush.

It's the only things I have never ever told anyone about. That's why I'm so nervous and hesitating to tell my shrink. I don't even know if I should. Things could get worse, if she decides she needs to "save" or whatever, the persons I hurt, then it could get really complicated. Really, really complicated. Of course I'll ask her if there's any chance she would do that first. Really push it out of her if I have to, cause I just can't take that risk. It would mess things up not only for me, so I'm not completely selfish.

I know of only one other person I would possibly tell, and that would be K, if he wanted to know that is. Cause that is how much I trust him, even though I don't know him so well. Though I bet you're all dying to know what horrible crimes I've committed. Or maybe you just want me to shut the fuck up about it already. But here it is. Maybe I am revealing more about it each time, I don't know. It's like it's trying to claw its way out of me, like a crazy bird or something. I have to force myself to shut up.




Maybe why I'm always so open... what if it's compulsive? That I'm sort of forcing myself to the brink, constantly pushing it a little bit further each time. Until literally my whole life is on display. No, I won't include those things in my autobiography. I'll leave a hint in the end of the chapter about when I was in 1st to 3rd grade, but I'll also say that it's not just my story to tell. I'm still trying to control myself as much as I can. I re-read and edit all of my posts and I ask myself, "would I be okay with everyone reading this?" before I decide if I should post it. I think that's it for now. Just needed to vent a bit.

Talk and actions

Gonna wait with my walk today, cause I will go to the gym later today, and that's far away enough of a walk. Feels like I'm just all talk and no actions, but I'm planning on changing that now. And hoping my panic won't prevent me from doing so. If I really can't drag my ass to the gym today I'll have to think of something else, like working out at home or something. But I need to work on my condition and I can't really run.

Well I "can" run, it's just that I'd rather not do it. It's restraining in the wrong way. It's restraining for my overly sensitive feet and my knee mostly, which is not desirable. I'm sure you understand. According to my mother, who has the same symptoms about her knees, it's likely a sports injury. Pretty funny, eh?

Cause I don't do and have never really done any sorts of sports (excluding karate in junior high) but still got this seemingly permanent injury after climbing in an old and very long staircase in a church in January last year on a school trip. So eh, gonna have to be a bit careful with that in mind.

Also I don't have the physique for running. And I hate running, probably because of all the above reasons. So I'm not actually being lazy when I refuse to run for a bus or hurry up whenever or wherever. I will just never be fit enough for it. Like ever. And I'm okay with that, the only thing I'm not okay with is other people not being okay with that. Like show some damn respect or something.

People take running for granted, that every fit person is capable of running a lot and without difficulty. They are so stupid to think that (sorry if I hit a nerve on some of you readers). You can be fit in a thousand ways and you don't automatically become good at running just because you work out.

I sucked at running when I practised karate as well. I was at my fittest back then but I still couldn't run without getting exhausted. I could walk miles and miles without getting tired. I could sit on an exercise bike forever and not get tired. I was fit, but running was the only thing I just couldn't do.

So my point with all this ranting is that I won't run as a part of my planned work out. I find other ways, like the exercise bike or a cross trainer for instance. Though I could easily do that before my knee injury, but I might have to be a little more careful now. As far as I'm concerned it is the cartilage behind my knee that is messed up, causing pain and it sort of makes this crunching sound. Very vague and more of a feeling really, but it's not very pleasant.

I don't know but I think I could be making it worse by restraining it. I do that, I know, by crawling around on the floor in my living room when I fix with the coat that I'm making. When it's at its worse I can't even reach down to pick something up from the floor, it hurts to bend the knee. But I can and do put my weight on my left knee instead then.

My mother talked about that she had found ways how to move and stuff to not restrain her knees but she's had that since she was twelve and I've only had this for a year now. At first she didn't quite believe me when I first told her that this damage was permanent, sometime in March or April last year and I had had it for a few months by then. It's a bit long for a spraining, isn't it?

Oh, by the way. I had a sad dream tonight. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, it was just sad really. I dreamt that I saw one of my favourite actors during an event of some sort and he almost died right in front of my eyes. Heart attack or something. This guy was 50 something so not an entirely odd choice of fatality for my brain to make. He survived though, so that was a bit of a relief. But I think it was a tad bit of lucid dreaming there at the end, that I sort of somehow made him survive to make a happy ending to the dream.

Just ranting

I'm hungry almost all of the time, but it doesn't seem to affect my mood. I'm happy, scared, sad or angry depending on the circumstances for quick moments and then it passes. Maybe it's some sort of self control, I dunno.

Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.

Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.

My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.

I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.