It's been a long time since I wrote about my crush. Perhaps my words are ending, but I'm not thinking in words about him. There are pictures, snap shots of memories, a split second's smile, his mumbling voice, the way it felt when his fair stroke my face. I'm thinking in pictures, sound and sensation in a way I've never done before. Usually all of my thoughts are conversations. With myself, Anna or made up conversations with other people. So these wordless thoughts are completely new for me, at least to this extreme.
Besides, it's all just repeating. It's the same thoughts since October, November and December. Over and over, and over again. That I miss him. And I miss him more and more every day. I dream of curling up in his arms, that he whispers that he loves me, plays with my hair, kisses my cheek. I'm still lovesick. I just haven't been bothering you with the same old, constantly repeating in circles.
I've been listening to this song, "Kola lake vellari" by a guy named Himesh Reshammiya, for hours and hours since I found it on Spotify yesterday. I even fell asleep listening to it on repeat on my cell phone last night. Somehow it reminds me of my love. It sounds a bit sad to me. Like he's longing, lost in that woman's eyes. That he can't have her. The one he's dancing with in the video to the song. I have no idea what he's actually singing about, so it's just a feeling. And no, I can't find the lyrics via google either.
I still sleep with his picture just a few inches away from my face every night. Imagining that he's actually there. It's a sad comfort, and it feels like this dream of mine will never ever come true. And I don't know for how much longer I can endure this lovesickness. I'm slowly losing my will to live, as my will to disappear forever increases. To take my stupid dreams with me to a better place, without heartache and invisible tears.
"And still I fall apart
for this dream will end
and leave me with wounds
that cannot mend"
No comments:
Post a Comment