Impossible dream

You have no idea what I'm going through. I have no idea. I'm torn apart, in pieces. Between Dala and this life, between Caspian and my love in this life. Between my past and the present. Good thing there is no future to worry about. Yes there is, on second thought. And it worries me too, but not so much, not the near future anyway.

I thought so much, I wrote so much. And all it did was bring me to tears. A fucked up fantasy about my love being Caspian and we both found out about each other, falling deeply in love more than I ever thought I could imagine. If that is my dream, then it's even more impossible than I first thought.

Kill my dream already, kill it. Cause it's killing me. My fairytale dream about perfect love, a love so strong that I've never felt. This conflict between my past and now seems to entangle more and more. Caspian is dead. He's long gone and his ghost is visiting me at night. He's dead, damn it, he's dead. Stupid fucking dream, it's destructive.

It's so typical. Once something good finally is about to happen in my life all this old crap comes out with a new twist. That twist that became a knot in my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces again. It's been 24 years, almost 25 and I still can't let go of him? I don't think I ever will, not entirely.

I notice that I actually some times confuse my love for Caspian and I feel very weird when I refer to him as "my sweet prince". I don't know why I do that, or why I can't stop.

My heart is in shreds. My soul is screaming for its home. It's the scream inside me, the scream that will never ever silence. Deafening, blinding and controlling.