I've been trying to fill my head with intense WoW playing and Sisters Of Mercy blasting in my head phones on max volume. For seconds at a time, I'm not even thinking about it. So I guess that would be saying it's almost actually working. Just keeping myself busy, I guess.
I wanted to believe that it was true, that he liked me too, and when he said it I did believe it, but later on I realised that he probably just said it to not hurt my feelings. I respect that, I even accept it because I've done the exact same thing myself, but with other people. I just wish it was true, that's all.
For as long as I can't face my true feelings about this, I bury them as deep as possible and won't allow myself to even touch them from a distance. I'll focus outwards and stay on the go, keep myself busy to distract myself in every way I can possibly think of. WoW, art projects, fixing with my looks (like maybe bleach my hair and shave off my beard, cause black beard and blonde hair would just look awful), do my laundry, take a shower, then go to school tomorrow... and further than that I haven't thought.
I still haven't eaten today. I started a chocolate goo right when I woke up, thinking it was gonna be a good day again (third time never is the charm) but couldn't eat it any longer when I found out about K being back together with his ex again. And I don't care if me saying that can make you figure out who he is, it doesn't matter anymore.
I just can't eat. I can drink though, and I've had 5 cups of coffee already. I might buy booze tomorrow, cause I don't care about that either anymore. Just buy a large bottle of wine and drink it all in one go.
I don't know for how long I won't eat, if it's just another hour or for the whole day. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, but I really doubt it.
I still can't go to tumblr or facebook, would be too heart tearing seeing those two together online, or anywhere for that matter. Was I not good enough? Or were you still in love with her no matter what I was or did? How will I ever know... what you mean to me, I can never mean to you.
I'm so done with love, romantic love, that is. Far too much unrequited, my heart is breaking for the last time. The only chance I have is with you, maybe sometime in the future if I'm still alive to face it. But I doubt I ever will be. I'll die before you two break up again if you ever will. It's the only chance I've got, and then I'm out of chances.
Cinder
"I breathe softly
lingering in a desperate state
so near so far so close
to finally suffocate
My door will always be open
even if I cease to exist
and I'm done counting the days
forty nine always on my list
Now I count the shards
of my heart breaking down to cinder
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
and my flame is out of tinder
I'm wrecked for the last time
and I can't fight an internal war
that I've already fought
and lost nine times before
My spirit is dying
as I jaded try to find
even the smallest glimpse
of real peace of mind"
Showing posts with label unrequited love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unrequited love. Show all posts
Sunday, 12 April 2015
Minute by minute
I'm waiting to break down completely. But maybe I won't, maybe I'm too used to this? I don't know what's gonna happen. I should have tried to talk to him more, then maybe this wouldn't have shocked me if I had known what was going on. But I knew. I saw the signs on tumblr and facebook but I tried to just block it out, cause they've been "cute" together before without it having meant something.
But it did mean something, and now they're back together. If I survive this, I'll try for a child instead and forget that my broken heart even exists. Maybe by the fall I'll be off hormones, maybe I could get pregnant sometime in the beginning of next year, if that's still what I want.
I'm shutting off right now, going away from tumblr and facebook to avoid them both and their flirting. I can't deal. My jealousy was valid and not just me being lovesick. I can't deal, I just can't deal with this. I'm obviously meant to be alone, I know that now and I'll stop trying for love. Enough is enough, goodbye K.
I'll love you always, but I won't wait for you anymore. It's obvious you don't want me that way, and although it hurts like hell, I'll just have to respect that. I can't even say it's been fun loving you, it's just been hard, but I don't regret anything. You're amazing.
I don't know if you will ever know now, or if I'll ever tell anyone else who the pseudonym "K" stands for. Love was never for me, and I know that now. Perhaps I can live without you, I hope so, but we'll see. I can't give out empty promises, but right now, I'm not gonna try anything. Let's just take it day by day, or minute by minute.
But it did mean something, and now they're back together. If I survive this, I'll try for a child instead and forget that my broken heart even exists. Maybe by the fall I'll be off hormones, maybe I could get pregnant sometime in the beginning of next year, if that's still what I want.
I'm shutting off right now, going away from tumblr and facebook to avoid them both and their flirting. I can't deal. My jealousy was valid and not just me being lovesick. I can't deal, I just can't deal with this. I'm obviously meant to be alone, I know that now and I'll stop trying for love. Enough is enough, goodbye K.
I'll love you always, but I won't wait for you anymore. It's obvious you don't want me that way, and although it hurts like hell, I'll just have to respect that. I can't even say it's been fun loving you, it's just been hard, but I don't regret anything. You're amazing.
I don't know if you will ever know now, or if I'll ever tell anyone else who the pseudonym "K" stands for. Love was never for me, and I know that now. Perhaps I can live without you, I hope so, but we'll see. I can't give out empty promises, but right now, I'm not gonna try anything. Let's just take it day by day, or minute by minute.
Monday, 30 March 2015
When nothing else matters
I start missing K again as the soft and hard tones of Alice Cooper's song "Die for you" streams through my headphones. I don't know why I can't feel anything. Suddenly, all my feelings just blew away and left me empty.
It's not just a crush, I'm in love with him. I'm deeply lovesick and every passing day I'm thinking that this can kill me. I'm so scared of acting upon an impulsive suicide that these feelings one day, possibly, in all likelihood, will lead me to.
I'm empty, as sadness hollows me out from within until there's nothing left but a shell. I can't cry anymore, it was months, 7 or 8 months ago last time and years before that. Hell is living without him and I forgot why I'm alive in the first place, if not to be with him. I forget all other reasons to go on living, and that... that is lovesickness. When fucking nothing else matters.
And it's hard just to breathe. Cause every time I breathe in I think of him and every time I breathe out I try to stop thinking about him. Cloud my mind with thoughts on having children instead. Try to make him matter less by shadowing and dulling the thoughts about him with something else. But it doesn't work, not really.
It's like putting on sunglasses hoping the sun will stop shining. Or lighting a candle hoping the darkness will go away forever. It won't. Deep down I know that it won't. No matter how many candles I light, darkness will always be there.
And so will he. Lost in my mind, locked inside my heart, frozen in my soul. The day I let him into my soul I knew he was gonna stay there forever, that it was somehow an ancient form of commitment on only my part that I could never get out of.
I committed to this, he didn't. He's out there, somewhere in the world, miles and miles away and I can pretend that the more time passes the easier it will get, but it won't. It fucking won't, I will end up committing suicide if he never talks to me again. And you know what? It's only my own fucking fault, it was never his fault.
I would never blame him, but knowing that he would likely blame himself if or when I do such a thing, I try to hold on. I try to hold on to this life of endless misery and heartbreak upon heartbreak until I literally can't stand up anymore. Did you know that I've had my heart broken 9 times?
The first and the last was worst. Person A was first and they weren't even real. I fell blindly for an imaginary person and then somehow my heart broke and I hurt so badly. I started cutting myself, had worse dissociations, tried to kill myself for the first time. I was 15 years old.
Last was person T and he was at least real. I literally fell for him at first sight, it took me around 15 minutes to fall to somewhere underneath the classroom floor. I was 21 years old. After he rejected me, I tried to kill myself 5 times the following year and spent about 2 months altogether at various psychiatric wards. I could not be helped.
So believe me when I say, love fucking kills you. If you let it, I suppose. Maybe I didn't have much to live for before I fell for all those people. Men, women, anyone. I count them on my fingers and I have only 1 finger left. Right pinky, will I die when I have to bend you down too?
Cause how much heartache can I possibly take? How much more darkness, how much more insufferable pain, before I finally succeed what I've tried to do 15 times already? It's my rap sheet, my curse, and to love K forever just like I promised myself and all of my stupid diaries.
I can't take much more of this. It's been 36 days and not a word. I'm counting the days, literally. Every morning I wake up I count, 34, 35, 36... for how long? For how long, until I die? I don't plan suicide, I don't want it, but whether I do or not I'm a danger to myself and my pain takes me places I didn't intend to visit. If I die this year, please never tell him that I died for him. I don't want him carrying that burden.
But I'll try, I'll keep on trying to stay strong. It's just a little too much right now and my appointments in Visby are far from enough to get everything said and discussed. There's Anna, school, eating disorder, lovesickness, dreams, parenthood, and I know that the topic of suicide should be first on the list, but I can't make myself mention it.
Simply, I don't want to end up at that ward again with all my privacy robbed and no access to my computer. I wouldn't go freely, they'd have to force me and it could get ugly. But yeah, those thoughts have been lingering their way back to me again, although I try to force them away again. I can't deal, I just can't fucking deal with this.
It's not just a crush, I'm in love with him. I'm deeply lovesick and every passing day I'm thinking that this can kill me. I'm so scared of acting upon an impulsive suicide that these feelings one day, possibly, in all likelihood, will lead me to.
I'm empty, as sadness hollows me out from within until there's nothing left but a shell. I can't cry anymore, it was months, 7 or 8 months ago last time and years before that. Hell is living without him and I forgot why I'm alive in the first place, if not to be with him. I forget all other reasons to go on living, and that... that is lovesickness. When fucking nothing else matters.
And it's hard just to breathe. Cause every time I breathe in I think of him and every time I breathe out I try to stop thinking about him. Cloud my mind with thoughts on having children instead. Try to make him matter less by shadowing and dulling the thoughts about him with something else. But it doesn't work, not really.
It's like putting on sunglasses hoping the sun will stop shining. Or lighting a candle hoping the darkness will go away forever. It won't. Deep down I know that it won't. No matter how many candles I light, darkness will always be there.
And so will he. Lost in my mind, locked inside my heart, frozen in my soul. The day I let him into my soul I knew he was gonna stay there forever, that it was somehow an ancient form of commitment on only my part that I could never get out of.
I committed to this, he didn't. He's out there, somewhere in the world, miles and miles away and I can pretend that the more time passes the easier it will get, but it won't. It fucking won't, I will end up committing suicide if he never talks to me again. And you know what? It's only my own fucking fault, it was never his fault.
I would never blame him, but knowing that he would likely blame himself if or when I do such a thing, I try to hold on. I try to hold on to this life of endless misery and heartbreak upon heartbreak until I literally can't stand up anymore. Did you know that I've had my heart broken 9 times?
The first and the last was worst. Person A was first and they weren't even real. I fell blindly for an imaginary person and then somehow my heart broke and I hurt so badly. I started cutting myself, had worse dissociations, tried to kill myself for the first time. I was 15 years old.
Last was person T and he was at least real. I literally fell for him at first sight, it took me around 15 minutes to fall to somewhere underneath the classroom floor. I was 21 years old. After he rejected me, I tried to kill myself 5 times the following year and spent about 2 months altogether at various psychiatric wards. I could not be helped.
So believe me when I say, love fucking kills you. If you let it, I suppose. Maybe I didn't have much to live for before I fell for all those people. Men, women, anyone. I count them on my fingers and I have only 1 finger left. Right pinky, will I die when I have to bend you down too?
Cause how much heartache can I possibly take? How much more darkness, how much more insufferable pain, before I finally succeed what I've tried to do 15 times already? It's my rap sheet, my curse, and to love K forever just like I promised myself and all of my stupid diaries.
I can't take much more of this. It's been 36 days and not a word. I'm counting the days, literally. Every morning I wake up I count, 34, 35, 36... for how long? For how long, until I die? I don't plan suicide, I don't want it, but whether I do or not I'm a danger to myself and my pain takes me places I didn't intend to visit. If I die this year, please never tell him that I died for him. I don't want him carrying that burden.
But I'll try, I'll keep on trying to stay strong. It's just a little too much right now and my appointments in Visby are far from enough to get everything said and discussed. There's Anna, school, eating disorder, lovesickness, dreams, parenthood, and I know that the topic of suicide should be first on the list, but I can't make myself mention it.
Simply, I don't want to end up at that ward again with all my privacy robbed and no access to my computer. I wouldn't go freely, they'd have to force me and it could get ugly. But yeah, those thoughts have been lingering their way back to me again, although I try to force them away again. I can't deal, I just can't fucking deal with this.
Friday, 20 March 2015
Falling apart
I bought booze, I just don't care anymore. I'm just bored without tumblr and facebook, I want nothing to do with those sites, nothing to do with the people there. Only K but I haven't heard as much as one word from him in almost a month. I still have skype open, but what does it matter? My own presence disturb me.
I can't focus on my book, or anything else but the music I hear and the vodka drink I'm having. Cause fuck everything, that's why. My contact person is not gonna be happy over that I drink again but whatever. If I even tell her about it. I don't like her, she's annoying and she doesn't know me very well.
It's not that I'm holding back, as much, but more that she's just interested in what damage I do to myself and basically nothing else. I'm so tired of the psychiatry, I want to break free. To not have people constantly worried about me and trying to change my behaviour. My life sucks and I just don't care anymore.
Don't even care about getting thin anymore. All I want to do is suppress my thoughts and drown my feelings. Or the other way around. If I'm still drinking in whatever month from now, I might check out the AA or something. My life is falling apart and I know that drinking won't change anything for the better. But I just gave up, and I don't think anything can make me change my mind.
I think I'm breaking apart also because K more or less abandoned me. I can't function without him. I know, I'm without him whether he talks to me or not, but this is horrible. The complete silence. No melodies from skype about new messages, no melodies from my phone either, although we rarely chat that way. Nothing on tumblr, and nothing on facebook.
It feels like I'm dying without him. Like my life force is just slowly slipping away, the flickering flame in my heart slowly dying. My spark goes out and leaves me lingering like a shadow between being alive and being dead. I'm in the twilight zone, slowly moving towards giving up entirely.
Yet I'm not there, but it's like I can just feel the end getting closer. I don't invite it, but I don't try to shut it away either. Maybe you could say that I'm just leaving the door open for whatever wants to come in. Life, death, hopelessness, love. Anything.
I need to have something on my mind in order to stay alive, and these past few days of not doing anything self destructive have not been good. I ached for it, longed even. Just needed it so very desperately and as I've been opting for either cutting or drinking the whole day, I chose the booze because it doesn't leave scars, because it's easier to hide, but I haven't decided if I should hide it or not.
It feels like I'm locked in somehow, meant to suffer what I cannot possibly suffer through. One dream, one reason, and it's slipping away. K, where are you? I miss you terribly. No, it has passed that state, I more than miss you, I ache for you. The pain in my chest grows prominent and permanent.
I can't focus on my book, or anything else but the music I hear and the vodka drink I'm having. Cause fuck everything, that's why. My contact person is not gonna be happy over that I drink again but whatever. If I even tell her about it. I don't like her, she's annoying and she doesn't know me very well.
It's not that I'm holding back, as much, but more that she's just interested in what damage I do to myself and basically nothing else. I'm so tired of the psychiatry, I want to break free. To not have people constantly worried about me and trying to change my behaviour. My life sucks and I just don't care anymore.
Don't even care about getting thin anymore. All I want to do is suppress my thoughts and drown my feelings. Or the other way around. If I'm still drinking in whatever month from now, I might check out the AA or something. My life is falling apart and I know that drinking won't change anything for the better. But I just gave up, and I don't think anything can make me change my mind.
I think I'm breaking apart also because K more or less abandoned me. I can't function without him. I know, I'm without him whether he talks to me or not, but this is horrible. The complete silence. No melodies from skype about new messages, no melodies from my phone either, although we rarely chat that way. Nothing on tumblr, and nothing on facebook.
It feels like I'm dying without him. Like my life force is just slowly slipping away, the flickering flame in my heart slowly dying. My spark goes out and leaves me lingering like a shadow between being alive and being dead. I'm in the twilight zone, slowly moving towards giving up entirely.
Yet I'm not there, but it's like I can just feel the end getting closer. I don't invite it, but I don't try to shut it away either. Maybe you could say that I'm just leaving the door open for whatever wants to come in. Life, death, hopelessness, love. Anything.
I need to have something on my mind in order to stay alive, and these past few days of not doing anything self destructive have not been good. I ached for it, longed even. Just needed it so very desperately and as I've been opting for either cutting or drinking the whole day, I chose the booze because it doesn't leave scars, because it's easier to hide, but I haven't decided if I should hide it or not.
It feels like I'm locked in somehow, meant to suffer what I cannot possibly suffer through. One dream, one reason, and it's slipping away. K, where are you? I miss you terribly. No, it has passed that state, I more than miss you, I ache for you. The pain in my chest grows prominent and permanent.
Monday, 2 March 2015
Stay with me
I can't stop staring at his pictures, and my heart won't stop aching. The pain is almost physical, somewhere on the border. I still haven't heard as much as one word from K, I think he's avoiding me and I can't for the life of me figure out what I could have done wrong. I'm always so careful. Always trying my best to not be clingy but it's been three weeks since we last spoke and it's getting too damn painful. It feels like I'm losing him, but he's not mine to lose.
I tried to talk to him once on the 22nd February and a few times on tumblr since then. I don't know if I should stop, I don't want him thinking I'm abandoning or giving up on him. I just need for him to know that I miss him, like him and I'll wait more if that's what it takes. But I don't know what to do. The coldness he left behind is so powerful, so strong, so forceful. This dull aching, cuts but never bleeds, cries but no tears break out.
I'm in a vacuum, holding my breath until he speaks to me again. Cause I can't live without him. I don't know how to. I forgot it the second I fell in love with him, and that was almost 2 years ago. But time doesn't matter, it's both an eternity and just a split second at once. It's getting harder, turning down anyone that isn't him. I seem to once again just follow along everyone that give me the least bit of attention.
I'm so very, very lonely. But I can't love anyone else than K, I just can't. I gave him my heart and I'm not taking it back. I messed up bad again, but this time it's harder to let go, harder to say no and back away. When I'm just longing for any pair of arms to hold me, anyone's lips pressed against mine, anyone's love. I believe they are a good person, that's not the problem: I am. I'm the one with a black heart who takes and takes, unable to give anything back.
So I let the demon in me form a relationship that I don't truly want. I just want to be with K so bad... just to look into his eyes, feel his arms around me in a friendly hug, just to talk and possibly more, but I don't demand more, I only wish and hope for that. I get greedy, I got greedy when things seemed to go so well during the summer and a little bit into the autumn. But now... I don't know what happened and for christ sake why can't I stop crying.
Cause I can still cry, it's just that I can't shed tears. I cannot make them run for my own sake, only if it involves someone else or something else. I do not know why. But I'm breaking apart. I just want to lie down and not ever get up again. You can pick me up if you want to, but honestly I don't care. He's my only reason to live, and he's slipping away from me. Do you even understand just how dangerous that can become for me? Yeah, I think you do. Cause if he does abandon me, if he completely stops interacting with me... I can't stay.
I tried to talk to him once on the 22nd February and a few times on tumblr since then. I don't know if I should stop, I don't want him thinking I'm abandoning or giving up on him. I just need for him to know that I miss him, like him and I'll wait more if that's what it takes. But I don't know what to do. The coldness he left behind is so powerful, so strong, so forceful. This dull aching, cuts but never bleeds, cries but no tears break out.
I'm in a vacuum, holding my breath until he speaks to me again. Cause I can't live without him. I don't know how to. I forgot it the second I fell in love with him, and that was almost 2 years ago. But time doesn't matter, it's both an eternity and just a split second at once. It's getting harder, turning down anyone that isn't him. I seem to once again just follow along everyone that give me the least bit of attention.
I'm so very, very lonely. But I can't love anyone else than K, I just can't. I gave him my heart and I'm not taking it back. I messed up bad again, but this time it's harder to let go, harder to say no and back away. When I'm just longing for any pair of arms to hold me, anyone's lips pressed against mine, anyone's love. I believe they are a good person, that's not the problem: I am. I'm the one with a black heart who takes and takes, unable to give anything back.
So I let the demon in me form a relationship that I don't truly want. I just want to be with K so bad... just to look into his eyes, feel his arms around me in a friendly hug, just to talk and possibly more, but I don't demand more, I only wish and hope for that. I get greedy, I got greedy when things seemed to go so well during the summer and a little bit into the autumn. But now... I don't know what happened and for christ sake why can't I stop crying.
Cause I can still cry, it's just that I can't shed tears. I cannot make them run for my own sake, only if it involves someone else or something else. I do not know why. But I'm breaking apart. I just want to lie down and not ever get up again. You can pick me up if you want to, but honestly I don't care. He's my only reason to live, and he's slipping away from me. Do you even understand just how dangerous that can become for me? Yeah, I think you do. Cause if he does abandon me, if he completely stops interacting with me... I can't stay.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
It hurts when you're gone
I'm losing it, I'm desperately losing it. For I've been waiting for K for almost two years and I don't know what has suddenly happened, for he isn't talking to me anymore. I feel ignored, tossed away, meaningless, stupid for ever thinking I might have a chance with him.
I hold my breath for what can never be. I'd move to Stockholm for him, I'd move anywhere for him. I really wish I could deny every other pleasure in the whole world just to wait for him. I wish celibacy was easy. I wish I was stronger than I really am.
He abandoned me. It feels like he has abandoned me. All I've been trying to do is to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to lean on, open and inviting for him. I haven't tried to "jump" him or anything. Just one thing I ever asked from him which was his support on Valentine's Day and he didn't do that, but I hold no grudges. I'm sure he had good reasons and even if he didn't, I still forgive him. All I want is to talk to him. That's all I ever want from him. What more, or what less, can I want?
I'm so very appreciative of the smallest thing he can give me. But I'm not. At the same time I'm not and I'm withering away. I break apart inside and don't know what to do. During the autumn, sometime. I think it was in October or August, I actually told him that I like him more than as a friend, and you know what? He told me that he likes me more than just as a friend too. I didn't want to announce it, because it felt way too early, but now... he barely even wants to talk to me, and I know, that he's talking to a lot of other people instead.
I think he's avoiding me, and I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong. Should I just tell him that he's my single one reason to stay alive, to go on living, because dying would hurt him? Should I tell him that I don't just like him more than just as a friend, that I am deeply in love with him and have been for almost two years? Is there any point...?
I'm losing hope, I'm losing my will to live. I try to tell myself that if I die I would hurt him tremendously and I really don't want that. But my only reason to live doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
I hold my breath for what can never be. I'd move to Stockholm for him, I'd move anywhere for him. I really wish I could deny every other pleasure in the whole world just to wait for him. I wish celibacy was easy. I wish I was stronger than I really am.
He abandoned me. It feels like he has abandoned me. All I've been trying to do is to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to lean on, open and inviting for him. I haven't tried to "jump" him or anything. Just one thing I ever asked from him which was his support on Valentine's Day and he didn't do that, but I hold no grudges. I'm sure he had good reasons and even if he didn't, I still forgive him. All I want is to talk to him. That's all I ever want from him. What more, or what less, can I want?
I'm so very appreciative of the smallest thing he can give me. But I'm not. At the same time I'm not and I'm withering away. I break apart inside and don't know what to do. During the autumn, sometime. I think it was in October or August, I actually told him that I like him more than as a friend, and you know what? He told me that he likes me more than just as a friend too. I didn't want to announce it, because it felt way too early, but now... he barely even wants to talk to me, and I know, that he's talking to a lot of other people instead.
I think he's avoiding me, and I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong. Should I just tell him that he's my single one reason to stay alive, to go on living, because dying would hurt him? Should I tell him that I don't just like him more than just as a friend, that I am deeply in love with him and have been for almost two years? Is there any point...?
I'm losing hope, I'm losing my will to live. I try to tell myself that if I die I would hurt him tremendously and I really don't want that. But my only reason to live doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
With my heart on the edge
I still miss him, but I don't know what to say here. If I start writing about him and what's been up, he'll definitely know it's him if he reads this. If he doesn't already know, that is. But yeah, I'd say things are going in the right direction now.
I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.
It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.
Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.
I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.
All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?
I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.
I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.
I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.
It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.
Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.
I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.
All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?
I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.
I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.
Monday, 12 May 2014
Hell is living without you
This joyride cannot last if I can't find a way to hold on to it. It's been two months and all I do is sit on my ass cause I'm afraid I'll break down again if I got up. And I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid that I might not want anything at all. There's the war in my heart as well, that as long as my only wish is to be with K it's not gonna be easy to find something else to aim for, if you know what I mean.
I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.
This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.
I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.
So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.
Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.
I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.
I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?
I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.
This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.
I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.
So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.
Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.
I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.
I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
Loving you since June
I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
Monday, 31 March 2014
Losing you
It's like I've lost a part of myself, when I lose myself completely and can't find my way back without guidance. Maybe not even with, cause maybe there is no way back. I look at him and I wonder. For the first time, a thought slipped into my head: why can't I stop loving you? I've never wanted that, I didn't think that I did. Perhaps the pain is finally exceeding what is wonderful about it.
And now as I see clear, or clearer at least, I think new insights are possible. That I'm not so blinded anymore. The risk of becoming "safe" with emotions is that they may fade. I don't want them to fade, it would be like losing you. Though I never had you to begin with, and with no intention of owning you, it still feels like I'm losing you somehow. When in fact, I'm only losing some of those feelings. I hope not, I want to cling to them, I need to whether I'd like to or not.
I have to because they are my life force now and they always were. That thing that I wrote earlier about them being essential for my survival. And even though I'm much stronger now, I can't take the risk. I may fear the weirdest things, but I think I have good reasons to. Past experiences, for instance.
Though I didn't die last time, it was a hell to get through and I know I did everything wrong, but I did what I could at the time being. I might as well have died, you know. Cause something inside me did. It was like a part of my soul was brutally ripped out at the same time as my heart was broken. When suicide was the only option. Five times I tried, but I don't know, it was like I gave up after that. Like I just understood that it was out of my power, that I couldn't control destiny or what happened to me. In the past or the future. The destiny that I never wanted to believe in, cause it was so cruel.
That little relapse into the suicidal drama I had last summer really had nothing to do with love. It was only fear, and I tried to escape a horrible future. I was in love already, as I clinged to his picture and hesitated to mention him in my suicide letter. Thinking I didn't want him to know if I died, that it would put a terrible burden and sorrow on his part. I'm considerate that way.
No, it's like love is my drug to survival, ironically. Cause it's also my ticket to death, but it's two sides of a coin, you know. I think a lot of things work that way, that you can always turn them up-side-down and they become their opposite. The cure becomes a poison so easily. Love is so fragile that way, I've come to realise. And dreams are too.
So what can I do, but to hope that my love for him won't become my poison? I still have so much to learn, and I want to know about the good sides of love. I crave it so intensively, but all I've ever had are impossible dreams and chanceless hopes. Hence why I almost always tag these kind of entries with both "hope" and "hopelessness" cause it's always a sting of both.
Yeah, I feel as though I will never experience that. True love. Cause no matter who I fall in love with it's always the wrong person, cause either they have the wrong sexual orientation or they're already seeing someone or they live 100 miles away. Or heck, why not all three for a change?
No, I will never fall in love again. If that means cutting myself off from humanity all together, then so be it. I've had enough of unrequited love for a lifetime or maybe even two. I don't even know for sure if this is unrequited, I leave that option open for just a little longer. Cause you never know until you know. And I don't know, not for sure. The problem is though that I don't want to know. It is not an option that I want to cross over on my pending list of eternal doom, you know what I'm saying?
Perhaps I'm not so clear in all my scribbles sometimes, I can get a little fast with the keyboard sometimes, now when I write as fast in English as in Swedish it can get kinda wild. What I meant is that if he was to tell me it's never gonna happen, I'm sure that I will fall and I won't be coming back. Ever. That last fall which of course will be both figuratively and literally meant and I will make sure I won't survive it. Jump high enough and there will be nothing left but meat loaf. But enough about my wild fantasies, which I shouldn't share that often, it's creepy.
So yeah... I'm planning my own death but at the same time I don't want to do it. It's just that I know that it has to be done. That there is no ther way. And I hope that I won't need to in a very long time, but I don't think it will be in such a long time. I've been keeping that part from my shrinks, but only because I don't want to be marked off as another hopeless case. I know I need whatever help they can give me in the form of pills and meetings. And I've been meaning to take up that dealing with past traumas kinda shit, but I just can't muster it. It's tearing me apart just thinking about it, so how the hell can I bring it up? And no, I can't tell my mother to tell them, cause I can't muster that either. One day... one day I might.
I got off track, sorry. I just can't find a way to finish this entry, cause there is no finish, there is no punch line. It just goes on and on and sometimes on hold and sometimes stronger, but it never ends. Maybe all I can say is that love will tear me apart, one day or another.
And now as I see clear, or clearer at least, I think new insights are possible. That I'm not so blinded anymore. The risk of becoming "safe" with emotions is that they may fade. I don't want them to fade, it would be like losing you. Though I never had you to begin with, and with no intention of owning you, it still feels like I'm losing you somehow. When in fact, I'm only losing some of those feelings. I hope not, I want to cling to them, I need to whether I'd like to or not.
I have to because they are my life force now and they always were. That thing that I wrote earlier about them being essential for my survival. And even though I'm much stronger now, I can't take the risk. I may fear the weirdest things, but I think I have good reasons to. Past experiences, for instance.
Though I didn't die last time, it was a hell to get through and I know I did everything wrong, but I did what I could at the time being. I might as well have died, you know. Cause something inside me did. It was like a part of my soul was brutally ripped out at the same time as my heart was broken. When suicide was the only option. Five times I tried, but I don't know, it was like I gave up after that. Like I just understood that it was out of my power, that I couldn't control destiny or what happened to me. In the past or the future. The destiny that I never wanted to believe in, cause it was so cruel.
That little relapse into the suicidal drama I had last summer really had nothing to do with love. It was only fear, and I tried to escape a horrible future. I was in love already, as I clinged to his picture and hesitated to mention him in my suicide letter. Thinking I didn't want him to know if I died, that it would put a terrible burden and sorrow on his part. I'm considerate that way.
No, it's like love is my drug to survival, ironically. Cause it's also my ticket to death, but it's two sides of a coin, you know. I think a lot of things work that way, that you can always turn them up-side-down and they become their opposite. The cure becomes a poison so easily. Love is so fragile that way, I've come to realise. And dreams are too.
So what can I do, but to hope that my love for him won't become my poison? I still have so much to learn, and I want to know about the good sides of love. I crave it so intensively, but all I've ever had are impossible dreams and chanceless hopes. Hence why I almost always tag these kind of entries with both "hope" and "hopelessness" cause it's always a sting of both.
Yeah, I feel as though I will never experience that. True love. Cause no matter who I fall in love with it's always the wrong person, cause either they have the wrong sexual orientation or they're already seeing someone or they live 100 miles away. Or heck, why not all three for a change?
No, I will never fall in love again. If that means cutting myself off from humanity all together, then so be it. I've had enough of unrequited love for a lifetime or maybe even two. I don't even know for sure if this is unrequited, I leave that option open for just a little longer. Cause you never know until you know. And I don't know, not for sure. The problem is though that I don't want to know. It is not an option that I want to cross over on my pending list of eternal doom, you know what I'm saying?
Perhaps I'm not so clear in all my scribbles sometimes, I can get a little fast with the keyboard sometimes, now when I write as fast in English as in Swedish it can get kinda wild. What I meant is that if he was to tell me it's never gonna happen, I'm sure that I will fall and I won't be coming back. Ever. That last fall which of course will be both figuratively and literally meant and I will make sure I won't survive it. Jump high enough and there will be nothing left but meat loaf. But enough about my wild fantasies, which I shouldn't share that often, it's creepy.
So yeah... I'm planning my own death but at the same time I don't want to do it. It's just that I know that it has to be done. That there is no ther way. And I hope that I won't need to in a very long time, but I don't think it will be in such a long time. I've been keeping that part from my shrinks, but only because I don't want to be marked off as another hopeless case. I know I need whatever help they can give me in the form of pills and meetings. And I've been meaning to take up that dealing with past traumas kinda shit, but I just can't muster it. It's tearing me apart just thinking about it, so how the hell can I bring it up? And no, I can't tell my mother to tell them, cause I can't muster that either. One day... one day I might.
I got off track, sorry. I just can't find a way to finish this entry, cause there is no finish, there is no punch line. It just goes on and on and sometimes on hold and sometimes stronger, but it never ends. Maybe all I can say is that love will tear me apart, one day or another.
Sunday, 30 March 2014
A part of me
I don't write so much about him in my blog anymore, cause maybe it makes me nervous now that I know that he reads it. But I'm still in love, and very much so, I just don't know how to appropriately display that. Cause maybe I should just keep it to myself? I'm not really modest, quite the opposite in fact, I just don't know what to do with these feelings that basically still are allover the place. Maybe love is always like that, allover the place and kinda intangible.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Safe
I didn't tell my mother that I had my first shower post op, or that I almost fainted at the look of myself as the words "what have I done?" popped up in my head. I still don't regret anything, but it was quite a powerful feeling, whatever it was that I felt. Other times I think "why do I have to do something like this to be able to not hate my body?" and that it fucking sucks being transsexual. Fucking sucks.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamí and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamí and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
In another language
Obsessive love, you've got me on my knees. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this for someone else, but why do I keep lying to my family? I want to keep everyone at a distance. Far enough to not touch my heart, but close enough for them to see me. Knowing that I'm still there, but a part of me isn't. Sure I talk about how I'm doing, but I leave stuff out, like the most important stuff. I talk about anxiety when love kills me, I talk about tiredness when I'm lethargic or filled with sorrow. I let people see the surface, but not what is going on underneath. I tell them what they already see.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Friday, 17 January 2014
Everything for you
Still drawing his picture over and over, as if I'll get it right this time. But I can't rightfully portray such beauty. Don't just make copies of his photos, but try to draw him the way I see him. That is even harder.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
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