Unwired (poem)

I sought my carelessness like a faulty machine
seeking its master while tumbling down a ravine
and all the connections I tried to build
fell apart by the joints, unfulfilled

I wired my subconscious mind around my ankles and wrists
pulled tighter, held closer to the presense of their twists
for a night time in my reluctance to guard my heart
I sought to find release from the wires holding my every part

Blood seeping through as I try to hold my mind in pieces
scattered across the sheets until the thought ceases
to ramp up in counsciousness, oh wire me tighter
before you cut me free and pull me an all-nighter

As far from love as affection goes
and as far from sanity as freedom grows
who knows
a drive that never slows

Wider and wilder, open me up
I don't know how to stop
yearning for your pleasure to be embraced by mine
and for our breaking bodies to intertwine

My sirens echoing as I straddle on closer to push you in deeper
now my own lust will become my reaper
for all my reasons will vanish into your skin
and I breathe deeply as I become what can't begin

But who defends
a drive that never ends
when all the connections I tried to build
fell apart by the joints, unfulfilled

Night time tragedy

I'm up again, eating. Couldn't sleep, thirsty. For a cigarette, for things I don't have at home. Have some lemonade, have my medication. 2 pills for my sleep, 1 pill for my mood. Why doesn't borderline count as a mood disorder? It's pretty fucking much effecting my mood. But I'm not even sure I have it, not truly. I think I have DID or some type of schizophrenia. Or just the worst case of PTSD with dissociation that has been going on for soon 17 years. I'm not well, I've never been.

"Night time tragedy
and I follow my roots
they guide me and bewilder me
under my boots

I'm up again, thirsty
for a calm that I can't find
I'm reckless, defenceless
a danger to my own mind

I feel so much
and it's degrading me senseless
I'm aching, yearning
for becoming timeless

I lose myself yet again
for dimensions that do not hold
Slowly dying
without the soul I sold

I panic and realise
that I can lose everything
but I value every moment with you
higher than anything

There's not a piece of me left
worth holding onto
So I sell my pride and live
only for you"

Just wrote it. I'm broken today, maybe you can tell? I don't know. I just miss him and I'm destroying myself. Don't know if that is tumblr material. I'm gonna try to get some sleep again, but I'll probably be up soon again. So I'll leave my computer on. I'll leave the light on. I'm really just too damn bored. And life doesn't interest me when I'm sober.

Racing heart

My paranoia is getting annoying. I just heard something and thought it was mail being dropped into my mailbox, but it wasn't. My heart started racing like hell. The fuck? I can't even open windows cause I'm afraid someone or something will get in, even when I'm sitting here with my eyes and ears open.

I'm trying to keep my nerves together... I can't understand where that sound came from or what it was. It's worrying me. Think of something else. Calm down my jaded heart. Play some more WoW.

I seriously don't know what's up with me today. I have this bitter joy crawling inside me, poisonous and tender. So ambivalent words just can't describe it. Sadness and joy, or guilt and hopefulness, it's both sweet and sour. Better than just sour, but it's one hell of a confusion. I'm wrecking my brain with this unsolvable puzzle...

Cause I'm trying to understand, trying to gather myself, find a proper reaction. Not proper to others, but for myself alone. Cause I honestly don't know if I should laugh or cry. Yet again my heart won't calm down. But yeah, I do feel joy. Like something is coming my way.

At least I hope so, yet it's way too early to tell. But I feel guilty too. I will keep this to myself, and I rightfully should, but I can't help but sharing my emotions concerning it. It's taking up all the space in my mind and heart.

"I look into my eyes
from another place
a scarlet breaking point
out of this maze

Withering in a fading glow
but still they burn
caught up in tragedy
they have so much to learn

A story without an ending
I still believe in this fairytale
what is broken can be mended
it doesn't have to fail

Should have known by now
what cannot work within reason
but I don't regret anything
cause there's always a new season

Ambivalence in this moment
cause it came true my hope
at the expense of
someone else's way to cope"

Barely there

Barely need to reach down to the floor to turn the kettle on. Use the same unwashed tea cup for the seventh time, the same teabag for the third. Everything is spread around me, all the trash that I collect. Soda cans, cigarette butts and paper tissues litter around my chair like a fortress of hopelessness. My back aches and my head feels tight. I'm sorry, but nothing is alright.

I can't find my desk under all these papers, boxes with medication and books. Counting cigarettes on a writing pad, and forget only half of them. All these reminder notes for things I'd rather just forget. Can barely breathe for all the smoke, but it gets so cold with the window open, I'd rather just suffocate. And I would solve the world problems by shutting them out, if I would let them in to begin with.

The refreshing taste of menthol with blood between my teeth from fresh wounds. It's an addiction that comes an goes, and it has for nine years in January. But time passes and I hardly even notice. I live in the past, in lost dreams and memories that never was. An inevitable sting in my heart. The dagger was already in, it was so easy just to twist it. I remain silent without tears, I built a wall I cannot break through even when I'm alone.

And I realise that I'm still holding back, can't let him into my soul. Cause if I do he'll be there forever, just like Caspian and T. I can deal with a broken heart, but a broken soul can never fully heal. Pull down my sleeves and light another cigarette. I'm still here.

Unbelievably true

Thinking about you in pictures
on an unfamiliar balcony
I treasure the hours
when I was in your company

I can't remember your smell
but your smile won't leave my mind
Some things I brought back with me
others I intentionally left behind

We finally met
which I can just barely comprehend
We were talking in confidence
about things I won't even tell my best friend

For the first time in four months
I didn't miss you
Cause you were right beside me
so unbelievably true

My heart still won't call down
I'm shaking with its every beat
I thought my nightmares were cruel
but the dreams of you can't even compete

Stranded between emotions
not knowing what to do
Cause I doubt that you know
my heart is bleeding for you