Fool for love

I'm still afraid that if I let myself feel, I will break into pieces. Still holding it back, but it's getting harder. It seeps through, like smoke through a window splice. It seeps through my medication, my will and fading strength. And I know it's poisonous. Feelings usually are, but this... I just know it's too strong. I've been down this road before, I know what will happen, just give me a little more time before it does.

Love is the worst feeling that I've ever experienced. Or unrequited love, to be more precise. When I'm in love with someone that I can't have, someone who just won't look at me that way, whatever the reason. Just thought of something though. If or when I tell him what I feel for him, how awkward won't it be when he realises that all these blog posts and all those poems were all about him?

I'm creepily obsessed, and I have been for many months now. Soon eight months. A lot has been written in that time. Not all was about him of course, but most of it mentions him in one way or another.

I still hold back writing down information about my love here. Of course I would never ever display private information, but that's not what I meant. I mean public information like that he likes Lord of the rings or what his hair looks like. Cause if I describe him too much, it would almost be like writing his name here. And I don't wanna do that, I don't want people to know.

Besides, what does it matter to you who it is? The question I get "who is it?" is to the person that asks more important than my answer. Especially since most or almost all of my friends don't even know of him. I've only told my two best friends and my mother. Okay, I really gotta tie this mess of a text up now.

Final statement
Perhaps you figured out, or maybe I've already told, that my main but not only reason to that I'm thinking of suicide again, is because of my love to him. Not because of him; he's a sweetheart, but because of my own stupid heart.