K, even in my lucid dreams I'm a fool who knows you can't be mine. I dreamed that I had injured my foot somehow and was occasionally in a wheelchair. I had so much fun with it that I pretended my foot was still bad when it no longer was. I was at a huge party, like a family gathering or something and you were there. I was constantly around you, as I had control in that dream, but I was so careful. I told you that I thought of causing myself another injury so that they wouldn't take my wheelchair away. Then just before I woke up, the party was over and we were the only ones left, we were collecting some chairs and put them away and I asked you "best friends?" and you said "forever".
It was a heartbreaking dream, but I loved being around you at that party and fooling around with that wheelchair. It was like an "all good things has an end" -kind of dream and I knew that I was chanceless, but hoped that we could be best friends at least. It was so real, too real. I miss my reality escaping dreams with you. The ones where we used to go on crazy adventures and we were either not sure what the other felt or completely in love with each other. Those were of course even more heartbreaking to wake up from, especially since I found out the truth. But in the very least, they were good while they lasted.
Twice in a few days I have now been lucid dreaming without even trying too. I'm glad that my fucked up brain actually included you this time. For a crazy love fool, I sure dream about you rather little. Not at all every night like some claim to do. We have no power over our subconscious minds, and according to my belief, the random dreams we get when asleep are all the work of our subconscious.
You are on my conscious mind almost 24/7, simultaneously as my eating disorder thoughts are. It's because I have several layers of thought processes and sometimes they switch places but they always co-exist. Two and a half years have passed, I shouldn't be on those pink clouds anymore and in a way I don't think I am. My love for you is so obviously a part of me now and I don't think that will ever change, no matter what happens. No matter how many times my heart breaks because of it.
Yes, you can indeed break an already broken heart. Cause what is broken can always break more. That goes for hearts too. But somehow I think it's worth it, having my heart broken because of my love for you. Cause I've never felt a love so pure, so complete and unconditional before. It is like the purest of essence, love in its purest form. Is it silly that I believe that? Or that I think the whole world would freeze in a matter of seconds before I'll stop loving you?
It's so simple really, so crude, yet so incredibly hard to explain. It has always been this strong, although sometimes it's felt like it's been getting stronger. Like I somehow manage to feel even more. I know even locking away my emotions could never take my thoughts off of you. I know dying won't make me stop loving you either. I just wish things were different. If maybe we lived closer to each other, if maybe we had had more time. I don't know. It feels like you could maybe have loved me too if the timing had been right.
But it wasn't, and I fell for you when you already loved someone else. I mourn what we never had, what I never got. And it makes me feel so empty, as if I've been hollowed out. I was so close to suicide today, but I knew I had to hold on, for you, because I don't want to hurt you. I wish I could make sure somehow, that you're safe and happy, but it never quite works that way. Now that I know I can't have you, in a way I'm letting you go. Be with whoever you want, I just want you to be happy, or at least as content as you can be.
Showing posts with label lovesick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lovesick. Show all posts
Monday, 12 October 2015
Monday, 13 April 2015
Heart in my throat
I've been having a really sad imaginary conversation about me an K. I'm on a roof top, getting ready to jump and I invited him to come join me, not to die of course, but for one last conversation. In my mind he's trying to talk me out of it, but I smile calmly and tell him that he can't, that he's gonna let me jump. Do I want to die? Right now, I can't say that it's not alluring. Well I could, but that would be lying.
I would tell him that I didn't want to try to live his life, that all I could do was watching it, from afar. I can't intervene, or even interact anymore. I'm just a shadow, a ghost lingering between the world of the dead and the world of the living. And even though he's still alive, his spirit is somehow haunting me.
Scentless, soundless, but there somehow. His spirit, haunting me, is like my oxygen. And right now I'm trying to figure out how to be alive like this. I do want to die, I really think I do, but it's not worth it. It's not worth the trouble of finding a spot and then give it all up in one last step.
I know I'm not done living yet, but it just hurts too much right now. Although I can just barely feel it. As I try to remember what his hair felt like on my face that one time, or his hand in mine that other one time, if I could only remember his scent. But I can't.
The only way I could let go is to die, and I know that if I allow myself to feel, I'll be planning suicide again. So I won't, scared of hurting him and everyone else that I love and at least like me back, if I do so. But the choice has to be mine, hasn't it? Sometimes I wonder.
I'm not myself anymore, I haven't been for a long time, forever, in fact. I'm a property of a rotten society and all my stupid dreams break like soap bubbles. So brittle they are, barely even worth holding on to.
Now I'm glad I never sent that question to K, about why he stopped talking to me. I'll send another one, soon, about why we can't at least just be friends? He might not want me "that way" but his friendship alone is too precious for me to lose.
If I can't have his love, at least I just want to be friends. That's way better than nothing, if only I can sort myself out again, if only I could. The image of my possible suicide still lingers in my mind, how soothing it is to me, as much as it scares me too. Dreading that the next time I go to the main land I'll do it. Cause Gotland may lack high roof tops, but Stockholm sure doesn't.
I could find a very tall hotel building, rent a room on the top floor and try to find a way up to the roof when time draws near. Damn, I'm already planning although I said I wouldn't do that. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind, focus on something more healthy to rant about instead.
But I lost my heart again, and my flickering flame is dying. For real this time, how long can I live without a spark? My eyes already literally lost their colour, they're not magnetic green anymore, they're grey. They're dead, their spark is gone. For shallow living, I have nothing to hold on to anymore. It feels like I'm drifting into outer space, just lost, lost, lost.
I couldn't focus any longer on anything. Just started staring at random points in my living room, until I eventually managed to go back to writing again. Just puking it all out, what else can I possibly do about this fucked up situation?!
I switched Sisters of Mercy for Alice Cooper but I can't feel the music. I'm just dead inside. I can't cry, I can't scream, although I might really need to. Both, simultaneously. Instead I just sit here, lightly shake my head to not get dizzy, slowly smoking a cigarette and finishing a 6th cup of coffee. Every drag is so hollow, the smoke neither harms or soothes me anymore. Can nothing ever soothe me?
What should I even pray for? I have a god, I have a religion, but nothing to pray for. I'm dying, but maybe suicidal people have no words left, and that's why they're suicidal. Cause they've got nothing more to say. Ann Heberlein wrote about that when she was suicidal she couldn't write, that her words failed her. It's important because she's a famous writer and literally lives on her words. But that they just end for her... I don't know.
My words often fail me, but they never end. Not even when I'm suicidal. I've written many suicide letters and most of them have been quite long and included a lot of various things. My reasons, all the love I wanted to give my loved ones, how I want them to dispose of my body once I'm gone and so on. It's a heck of a business trying to figure out what my last words should be.
I've been wanting to write another one, but I don't want to take that step. I think that if I do, it would lead me closer to actually committing suicide, and I still, somehow, don't really want that. I've failed too many times already, but the thought of death... it's so fucking constant.
Almost more constant than the thought of K. Just almost, though. I'm still empty, but screaming and crying inside, I refuse to let it out, the incredible damage it could make. I imagine myself completely ruining my apartment, tearing down every single wall and smashing everything into pieces until nothing is left.
I'd rather just smoke, write and listen to music that just can't get loud enough. I desperately press my head phones tighter onto my ears, desperately try to... I don't know, something. I'm desperate, that much I know. Desperate to find a way to handle this without dying. I don't know how.
My heart is breaking and I've forgotten how to breathe. I'm so scared of my own feelings, you have no fucking idea, how dangerous they are. Better keep them at a distance, better keep everything at a distance from me for a while.
I imagined taking smoking breaks however much I want to at school today, cause I just don't care, about how damn inconvenient my smoking is for the rest of the class.
I need my damn nicotine, literally to survive, I can't breathe without the smoke. I can barely breathe with it. It's just getting heavier inside, the closer the night comes and the more I write about it. I don't care, let the storm come, I don't care.
I managed to eat a sandwich yesterday, and some chocolate today, and that's all I've eaten since Saturday. If this makes me fall back into starvation, I don't care. It feels like my whole life is over so why should I care? I am cigarette smoke and heartache, there's nothing else left of me.
But I know since before, that I can live like that too. I've gone through worse, I've gone through much worse things than this. Catch 22's and living completely without hope at the same time, a simple heartbreak can't top that. Rape and sexual assault, it can't top that either. The only thing is, those were external things that more or less happened to me, around me, they attacked me. This, this is me breaking down from the inside.
It is different. I don't know why, but of all the horrible things I've gone through, that catch 22 thing the summer before last, and my 9th heartbreak were the worst. The other two things possibly come 3rd, after all. Maybe knowing that this is all my own fault, my heartbreak, is what's making it... unlivable.
I love you K, and I wish I could tell you that. Maybe in my suicide letter, whenever I decide to eventually go for it, hopefully years from now, I can mention who my heart had beat for. I just need you to know, somehow, but mostly I want you to know in a good way. Like, I don't know, love is positive, right? Right...?
And all my scars tell the opposite. My first self harm scars tell the opposite, my first suicide attempt that no longer shows on my left arm. Or was it my right arm? I can't even remember that much.
I wrote most of this text yesterday and it ended rather abruptly. I feel as though I should add something, but I'm at a loss for words. I'll get back to you later though, as I'm already writing yet another entry.
I would tell him that I didn't want to try to live his life, that all I could do was watching it, from afar. I can't intervene, or even interact anymore. I'm just a shadow, a ghost lingering between the world of the dead and the world of the living. And even though he's still alive, his spirit is somehow haunting me.
Scentless, soundless, but there somehow. His spirit, haunting me, is like my oxygen. And right now I'm trying to figure out how to be alive like this. I do want to die, I really think I do, but it's not worth it. It's not worth the trouble of finding a spot and then give it all up in one last step.
I know I'm not done living yet, but it just hurts too much right now. Although I can just barely feel it. As I try to remember what his hair felt like on my face that one time, or his hand in mine that other one time, if I could only remember his scent. But I can't.
The only way I could let go is to die, and I know that if I allow myself to feel, I'll be planning suicide again. So I won't, scared of hurting him and everyone else that I love and at least like me back, if I do so. But the choice has to be mine, hasn't it? Sometimes I wonder.
I'm not myself anymore, I haven't been for a long time, forever, in fact. I'm a property of a rotten society and all my stupid dreams break like soap bubbles. So brittle they are, barely even worth holding on to.
Now I'm glad I never sent that question to K, about why he stopped talking to me. I'll send another one, soon, about why we can't at least just be friends? He might not want me "that way" but his friendship alone is too precious for me to lose.
If I can't have his love, at least I just want to be friends. That's way better than nothing, if only I can sort myself out again, if only I could. The image of my possible suicide still lingers in my mind, how soothing it is to me, as much as it scares me too. Dreading that the next time I go to the main land I'll do it. Cause Gotland may lack high roof tops, but Stockholm sure doesn't.
I could find a very tall hotel building, rent a room on the top floor and try to find a way up to the roof when time draws near. Damn, I'm already planning although I said I wouldn't do that. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind, focus on something more healthy to rant about instead.
But I lost my heart again, and my flickering flame is dying. For real this time, how long can I live without a spark? My eyes already literally lost their colour, they're not magnetic green anymore, they're grey. They're dead, their spark is gone. For shallow living, I have nothing to hold on to anymore. It feels like I'm drifting into outer space, just lost, lost, lost.
I couldn't focus any longer on anything. Just started staring at random points in my living room, until I eventually managed to go back to writing again. Just puking it all out, what else can I possibly do about this fucked up situation?!
I switched Sisters of Mercy for Alice Cooper but I can't feel the music. I'm just dead inside. I can't cry, I can't scream, although I might really need to. Both, simultaneously. Instead I just sit here, lightly shake my head to not get dizzy, slowly smoking a cigarette and finishing a 6th cup of coffee. Every drag is so hollow, the smoke neither harms or soothes me anymore. Can nothing ever soothe me?
What should I even pray for? I have a god, I have a religion, but nothing to pray for. I'm dying, but maybe suicidal people have no words left, and that's why they're suicidal. Cause they've got nothing more to say. Ann Heberlein wrote about that when she was suicidal she couldn't write, that her words failed her. It's important because she's a famous writer and literally lives on her words. But that they just end for her... I don't know.
My words often fail me, but they never end. Not even when I'm suicidal. I've written many suicide letters and most of them have been quite long and included a lot of various things. My reasons, all the love I wanted to give my loved ones, how I want them to dispose of my body once I'm gone and so on. It's a heck of a business trying to figure out what my last words should be.
I've been wanting to write another one, but I don't want to take that step. I think that if I do, it would lead me closer to actually committing suicide, and I still, somehow, don't really want that. I've failed too many times already, but the thought of death... it's so fucking constant.
Almost more constant than the thought of K. Just almost, though. I'm still empty, but screaming and crying inside, I refuse to let it out, the incredible damage it could make. I imagine myself completely ruining my apartment, tearing down every single wall and smashing everything into pieces until nothing is left.
I'd rather just smoke, write and listen to music that just can't get loud enough. I desperately press my head phones tighter onto my ears, desperately try to... I don't know, something. I'm desperate, that much I know. Desperate to find a way to handle this without dying. I don't know how.
My heart is breaking and I've forgotten how to breathe. I'm so scared of my own feelings, you have no fucking idea, how dangerous they are. Better keep them at a distance, better keep everything at a distance from me for a while.
I imagined taking smoking breaks however much I want to at school today, cause I just don't care, about how damn inconvenient my smoking is for the rest of the class.
I need my damn nicotine, literally to survive, I can't breathe without the smoke. I can barely breathe with it. It's just getting heavier inside, the closer the night comes and the more I write about it. I don't care, let the storm come, I don't care.
I managed to eat a sandwich yesterday, and some chocolate today, and that's all I've eaten since Saturday. If this makes me fall back into starvation, I don't care. It feels like my whole life is over so why should I care? I am cigarette smoke and heartache, there's nothing else left of me.
But I know since before, that I can live like that too. I've gone through worse, I've gone through much worse things than this. Catch 22's and living completely without hope at the same time, a simple heartbreak can't top that. Rape and sexual assault, it can't top that either. The only thing is, those were external things that more or less happened to me, around me, they attacked me. This, this is me breaking down from the inside.
It is different. I don't know why, but of all the horrible things I've gone through, that catch 22 thing the summer before last, and my 9th heartbreak were the worst. The other two things possibly come 3rd, after all. Maybe knowing that this is all my own fault, my heartbreak, is what's making it... unlivable.
I love you K, and I wish I could tell you that. Maybe in my suicide letter, whenever I decide to eventually go for it, hopefully years from now, I can mention who my heart had beat for. I just need you to know, somehow, but mostly I want you to know in a good way. Like, I don't know, love is positive, right? Right...?
And all my scars tell the opposite. My first self harm scars tell the opposite, my first suicide attempt that no longer shows on my left arm. Or was it my right arm? I can't even remember that much.
I wrote most of this text yesterday and it ended rather abruptly. I feel as though I should add something, but I'm at a loss for words. I'll get back to you later though, as I'm already writing yet another entry.
Sunday, 12 April 2015
Fighting this, and cinder
I've been trying to fill my head with intense WoW playing and Sisters Of Mercy blasting in my head phones on max volume. For seconds at a time, I'm not even thinking about it. So I guess that would be saying it's almost actually working. Just keeping myself busy, I guess.
I wanted to believe that it was true, that he liked me too, and when he said it I did believe it, but later on I realised that he probably just said it to not hurt my feelings. I respect that, I even accept it because I've done the exact same thing myself, but with other people. I just wish it was true, that's all.
For as long as I can't face my true feelings about this, I bury them as deep as possible and won't allow myself to even touch them from a distance. I'll focus outwards and stay on the go, keep myself busy to distract myself in every way I can possibly think of. WoW, art projects, fixing with my looks (like maybe bleach my hair and shave off my beard, cause black beard and blonde hair would just look awful), do my laundry, take a shower, then go to school tomorrow... and further than that I haven't thought.
I still haven't eaten today. I started a chocolate goo right when I woke up, thinking it was gonna be a good day again (third time never is the charm) but couldn't eat it any longer when I found out about K being back together with his ex again. And I don't care if me saying that can make you figure out who he is, it doesn't matter anymore.
I just can't eat. I can drink though, and I've had 5 cups of coffee already. I might buy booze tomorrow, cause I don't care about that either anymore. Just buy a large bottle of wine and drink it all in one go.
I don't know for how long I won't eat, if it's just another hour or for the whole day. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, but I really doubt it.
I still can't go to tumblr or facebook, would be too heart tearing seeing those two together online, or anywhere for that matter. Was I not good enough? Or were you still in love with her no matter what I was or did? How will I ever know... what you mean to me, I can never mean to you.
I'm so done with love, romantic love, that is. Far too much unrequited, my heart is breaking for the last time. The only chance I have is with you, maybe sometime in the future if I'm still alive to face it. But I doubt I ever will be. I'll die before you two break up again if you ever will. It's the only chance I've got, and then I'm out of chances.
Cinder
"I breathe softly
lingering in a desperate state
so near so far so close
to finally suffocate
My door will always be open
even if I cease to exist
and I'm done counting the days
forty nine always on my list
Now I count the shards
of my heart breaking down to cinder
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
and my flame is out of tinder
I'm wrecked for the last time
and I can't fight an internal war
that I've already fought
and lost nine times before
My spirit is dying
as I jaded try to find
even the smallest glimpse
of real peace of mind"
I wanted to believe that it was true, that he liked me too, and when he said it I did believe it, but later on I realised that he probably just said it to not hurt my feelings. I respect that, I even accept it because I've done the exact same thing myself, but with other people. I just wish it was true, that's all.
For as long as I can't face my true feelings about this, I bury them as deep as possible and won't allow myself to even touch them from a distance. I'll focus outwards and stay on the go, keep myself busy to distract myself in every way I can possibly think of. WoW, art projects, fixing with my looks (like maybe bleach my hair and shave off my beard, cause black beard and blonde hair would just look awful), do my laundry, take a shower, then go to school tomorrow... and further than that I haven't thought.
I still haven't eaten today. I started a chocolate goo right when I woke up, thinking it was gonna be a good day again (third time never is the charm) but couldn't eat it any longer when I found out about K being back together with his ex again. And I don't care if me saying that can make you figure out who he is, it doesn't matter anymore.
I just can't eat. I can drink though, and I've had 5 cups of coffee already. I might buy booze tomorrow, cause I don't care about that either anymore. Just buy a large bottle of wine and drink it all in one go.
I don't know for how long I won't eat, if it's just another hour or for the whole day. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, but I really doubt it.
I still can't go to tumblr or facebook, would be too heart tearing seeing those two together online, or anywhere for that matter. Was I not good enough? Or were you still in love with her no matter what I was or did? How will I ever know... what you mean to me, I can never mean to you.
I'm so done with love, romantic love, that is. Far too much unrequited, my heart is breaking for the last time. The only chance I have is with you, maybe sometime in the future if I'm still alive to face it. But I doubt I ever will be. I'll die before you two break up again if you ever will. It's the only chance I've got, and then I'm out of chances.
Cinder
"I breathe softly
lingering in a desperate state
so near so far so close
to finally suffocate
My door will always be open
even if I cease to exist
and I'm done counting the days
forty nine always on my list
Now I count the shards
of my heart breaking down to cinder
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
and my flame is out of tinder
I'm wrecked for the last time
and I can't fight an internal war
that I've already fought
and lost nine times before
My spirit is dying
as I jaded try to find
even the smallest glimpse
of real peace of mind"
Minute by minute
I'm waiting to break down completely. But maybe I won't, maybe I'm too used to this? I don't know what's gonna happen. I should have tried to talk to him more, then maybe this wouldn't have shocked me if I had known what was going on. But I knew. I saw the signs on tumblr and facebook but I tried to just block it out, cause they've been "cute" together before without it having meant something.
But it did mean something, and now they're back together. If I survive this, I'll try for a child instead and forget that my broken heart even exists. Maybe by the fall I'll be off hormones, maybe I could get pregnant sometime in the beginning of next year, if that's still what I want.
I'm shutting off right now, going away from tumblr and facebook to avoid them both and their flirting. I can't deal. My jealousy was valid and not just me being lovesick. I can't deal, I just can't deal with this. I'm obviously meant to be alone, I know that now and I'll stop trying for love. Enough is enough, goodbye K.
I'll love you always, but I won't wait for you anymore. It's obvious you don't want me that way, and although it hurts like hell, I'll just have to respect that. I can't even say it's been fun loving you, it's just been hard, but I don't regret anything. You're amazing.
I don't know if you will ever know now, or if I'll ever tell anyone else who the pseudonym "K" stands for. Love was never for me, and I know that now. Perhaps I can live without you, I hope so, but we'll see. I can't give out empty promises, but right now, I'm not gonna try anything. Let's just take it day by day, or minute by minute.
But it did mean something, and now they're back together. If I survive this, I'll try for a child instead and forget that my broken heart even exists. Maybe by the fall I'll be off hormones, maybe I could get pregnant sometime in the beginning of next year, if that's still what I want.
I'm shutting off right now, going away from tumblr and facebook to avoid them both and their flirting. I can't deal. My jealousy was valid and not just me being lovesick. I can't deal, I just can't deal with this. I'm obviously meant to be alone, I know that now and I'll stop trying for love. Enough is enough, goodbye K.
I'll love you always, but I won't wait for you anymore. It's obvious you don't want me that way, and although it hurts like hell, I'll just have to respect that. I can't even say it's been fun loving you, it's just been hard, but I don't regret anything. You're amazing.
I don't know if you will ever know now, or if I'll ever tell anyone else who the pseudonym "K" stands for. Love was never for me, and I know that now. Perhaps I can live without you, I hope so, but we'll see. I can't give out empty promises, but right now, I'm not gonna try anything. Let's just take it day by day, or minute by minute.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
It hurts when you're gone
I'm losing it, I'm desperately losing it. For I've been waiting for K for almost two years and I don't know what has suddenly happened, for he isn't talking to me anymore. I feel ignored, tossed away, meaningless, stupid for ever thinking I might have a chance with him.
I hold my breath for what can never be. I'd move to Stockholm for him, I'd move anywhere for him. I really wish I could deny every other pleasure in the whole world just to wait for him. I wish celibacy was easy. I wish I was stronger than I really am.
He abandoned me. It feels like he has abandoned me. All I've been trying to do is to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to lean on, open and inviting for him. I haven't tried to "jump" him or anything. Just one thing I ever asked from him which was his support on Valentine's Day and he didn't do that, but I hold no grudges. I'm sure he had good reasons and even if he didn't, I still forgive him. All I want is to talk to him. That's all I ever want from him. What more, or what less, can I want?
I'm so very appreciative of the smallest thing he can give me. But I'm not. At the same time I'm not and I'm withering away. I break apart inside and don't know what to do. During the autumn, sometime. I think it was in October or August, I actually told him that I like him more than as a friend, and you know what? He told me that he likes me more than just as a friend too. I didn't want to announce it, because it felt way too early, but now... he barely even wants to talk to me, and I know, that he's talking to a lot of other people instead.
I think he's avoiding me, and I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong. Should I just tell him that he's my single one reason to stay alive, to go on living, because dying would hurt him? Should I tell him that I don't just like him more than just as a friend, that I am deeply in love with him and have been for almost two years? Is there any point...?
I'm losing hope, I'm losing my will to live. I try to tell myself that if I die I would hurt him tremendously and I really don't want that. But my only reason to live doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
I hold my breath for what can never be. I'd move to Stockholm for him, I'd move anywhere for him. I really wish I could deny every other pleasure in the whole world just to wait for him. I wish celibacy was easy. I wish I was stronger than I really am.
He abandoned me. It feels like he has abandoned me. All I've been trying to do is to be supportive, helpful, a shoulder to lean on, open and inviting for him. I haven't tried to "jump" him or anything. Just one thing I ever asked from him which was his support on Valentine's Day and he didn't do that, but I hold no grudges. I'm sure he had good reasons and even if he didn't, I still forgive him. All I want is to talk to him. That's all I ever want from him. What more, or what less, can I want?
I'm so very appreciative of the smallest thing he can give me. But I'm not. At the same time I'm not and I'm withering away. I break apart inside and don't know what to do. During the autumn, sometime. I think it was in October or August, I actually told him that I like him more than as a friend, and you know what? He told me that he likes me more than just as a friend too. I didn't want to announce it, because it felt way too early, but now... he barely even wants to talk to me, and I know, that he's talking to a lot of other people instead.
I think he's avoiding me, and I don't know what I possibly could have done wrong. Should I just tell him that he's my single one reason to stay alive, to go on living, because dying would hurt him? Should I tell him that I don't just like him more than just as a friend, that I am deeply in love with him and have been for almost two years? Is there any point...?
I'm losing hope, I'm losing my will to live. I try to tell myself that if I die I would hurt him tremendously and I really don't want that. But my only reason to live doesn't even want to talk to me anymore.
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
Emptiness
I miss K so incredibly much that I've forgotten how to feel anything else. I'm just torn, so very torn apart. From everything, really. And all that remains is a hollow feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I drink myself apart, write myself to pieces and I can't get anything right.
About to purge my dinner now. I'm getting tired of it, but also addicted to it. I've purged every day for almost a month now. It makes me feel even more hollowed out. Even emptier. Not right in the moment, but right in the moment after, and it stays for hours, that feeling.
Yeah, that emptiness. Sometimes it eats me alive, consumes me, other times it's what I strive for. Feeling empty. It's what I drink for. And usually it's right when I stop drinking that last glass for the night, right after a purge and all I have is diet coke and a cigarette, is when that feeling hits me. It's like a graceful calm, an echo, a shadow lingering or like sounds slowly fading away.
And I become one with it, that feeling, what I've been longing for all day. But it's not satisfying. I want something else, deep at heart, I want something else. And that is the opposite, to feel everything so deeply, to feel alive. But I only want to be that way with K. Without him, I want nothing at all. And I believe it destroys me. That craving for what I cannot have, and my striving for the second best which is the exact opposite.
I am killing myself slowly, cigarette after cigarette, drink after drink, purge after purge. Those are my most dangerous behaviours right now, and they become my very essence. The reason, the cure, the medicine, the ultimate self destruction. I feel as though I'm just withering away, and I watch it, how awfully I wither with not a hint of grace. Destruction, it's rarely pretty.
But I'm still waiting, hoping, dreaming. But mostly I'm just killing time, and myself in the process of not caring what becomes of me in his absence.
About to purge my dinner now. I'm getting tired of it, but also addicted to it. I've purged every day for almost a month now. It makes me feel even more hollowed out. Even emptier. Not right in the moment, but right in the moment after, and it stays for hours, that feeling.
Yeah, that emptiness. Sometimes it eats me alive, consumes me, other times it's what I strive for. Feeling empty. It's what I drink for. And usually it's right when I stop drinking that last glass for the night, right after a purge and all I have is diet coke and a cigarette, is when that feeling hits me. It's like a graceful calm, an echo, a shadow lingering or like sounds slowly fading away.
And I become one with it, that feeling, what I've been longing for all day. But it's not satisfying. I want something else, deep at heart, I want something else. And that is the opposite, to feel everything so deeply, to feel alive. But I only want to be that way with K. Without him, I want nothing at all. And I believe it destroys me. That craving for what I cannot have, and my striving for the second best which is the exact opposite.
I am killing myself slowly, cigarette after cigarette, drink after drink, purge after purge. Those are my most dangerous behaviours right now, and they become my very essence. The reason, the cure, the medicine, the ultimate self destruction. I feel as though I'm just withering away, and I watch it, how awfully I wither with not a hint of grace. Destruction, it's rarely pretty.
But I'm still waiting, hoping, dreaming. But mostly I'm just killing time, and myself in the process of not caring what becomes of me in his absence.
Sunday, 22 February 2015
The mess that is my life
I hate myself for making such a mess out of everything. What have I become? I nibble on the healthy food that I don't particularly like, then binge on the unhealthy food and purge it. Take a bloody photo of what I look like right after and drink myself to an early grave, all the while I also try to cause myself severe dehydration by restricting my water intake to zero, only drinking soda and booze while purging massive amounts of fluids every single day. A pack of cigarettes on that.
I'm a hazard to myself, like Pink sings in "Don't let me get me" that I have on my playlist of eating disorder related songs. But I'm listening to Sisters of Mercy while I miss K tremendously but still am incapable of saying "tja" to him in chat like I always do. Like we always do. Have I lost my spark? Is everything downhill from here?
I tried to be the strong one between us two, I really did and somewhat succeeded for months. But then I just crashed. I can't carry my own burden, so now how can help him carry his? I want nothing else. If I can help him that would be the meaning of my entire life. But how can I? I'm lost in my tangled chaos and it's only getting worse.
Where are we going from here? Marillion sings in their song "White Russian" and I can't help but wonder what will eventually become of us. I only see darkness but cry desperately for the light to find us, but mostly for it to find him. I live for him, I have no wish any longer to live for myself and I do think that the only reason I would "give up" my eating disorder would be if he told me to. I need his blessing, kind of.
But what if I die before that can ever happen, what if he dies? Death, it scares me more than anything, particularly his. And I do have reasons to worry, I really do. I've only told my shrink because of confidentiality and she has no idea who he is, his real name or exactly where he lives. It's safe there, that information. But I fear as I get all the more scared of the worst I won't be able to keep my mouth shut about it. I fear my own confidentiality.
Am I not trustworthy anymore? No, I am not. For information just kinda leaks out of me and I don't know how close up all those little holes allowing it to seep out. And I still kick myself for the information about K that I've let out to those that really, really had no business knowing about it. What would I do if he ever finds out? Should I just tell him in a desperate attempt to let him know just how terrible awful I feel about what I've done, to let him know that I love him more than anything by stating that I'd do absolutely ANYTHING to make up for the mistakes that I've made? But a part of me believes that those mistakes, they can never be made up for. And that keeps me up at night. And it should. It fucking should.
For I feel like a terrible person tonight. For every sip of drinks that I take, for every tear that ran down my face when I purged, for every bite that I took of the sandwiches that later ended up in the toilet. I feel awful for what I'm doing to myself and I feel horrible for what I did to the man I would literally give anything for. Not just my sucky life, but literally everything.
Is that love, or just desperation, obsession, compulsion? Do I love him and everything that is him, or am I lost in a chaos of feelings and love an idea, or an ideal? How can I ever know. Though I know, I just know that this love will last forever. I might move on one day, pretend that I do! I might fall in love with someone else who would love me too; I still so strongly believe that I would still love K, even if I'm no longer in love with him. Does that make sense? He's in my soul since July 2013 and that's a bloody long time for someone like me. Me, who always keep falling in and out of love with any stranger.
I have to stop writing soon, these words become my enemy and I cannot grasp their concept. They demand me to explain and explain but I'm grasping at straws and it just becomes like this unsolvable mess. My whole life is a mess and at the same time as I try to understand it I also know how it happened all along. I was after all there every step of the way. But I cannot understand it, no matter how hard I try. Am I really that sick of living? That I deliberately try to cause severe dehydration even though I almost collapsed from it the summer before last? I don't even know why I drink, but to numb every feeling known to man and mostly, it is love that I try to drown. How sad isn't that?
Cause I can't... I just can't stand loving someone who shows no affection in return. I think I know why, but I'll keep that to myself. That much I'm able to shut up about it. That much, I'm still able to stay loyal to him.
I'm a hazard to myself, like Pink sings in "Don't let me get me" that I have on my playlist of eating disorder related songs. But I'm listening to Sisters of Mercy while I miss K tremendously but still am incapable of saying "tja" to him in chat like I always do. Like we always do. Have I lost my spark? Is everything downhill from here?
I tried to be the strong one between us two, I really did and somewhat succeeded for months. But then I just crashed. I can't carry my own burden, so now how can help him carry his? I want nothing else. If I can help him that would be the meaning of my entire life. But how can I? I'm lost in my tangled chaos and it's only getting worse.
Where are we going from here? Marillion sings in their song "White Russian" and I can't help but wonder what will eventually become of us. I only see darkness but cry desperately for the light to find us, but mostly for it to find him. I live for him, I have no wish any longer to live for myself and I do think that the only reason I would "give up" my eating disorder would be if he told me to. I need his blessing, kind of.
But what if I die before that can ever happen, what if he dies? Death, it scares me more than anything, particularly his. And I do have reasons to worry, I really do. I've only told my shrink because of confidentiality and she has no idea who he is, his real name or exactly where he lives. It's safe there, that information. But I fear as I get all the more scared of the worst I won't be able to keep my mouth shut about it. I fear my own confidentiality.
Am I not trustworthy anymore? No, I am not. For information just kinda leaks out of me and I don't know how close up all those little holes allowing it to seep out. And I still kick myself for the information about K that I've let out to those that really, really had no business knowing about it. What would I do if he ever finds out? Should I just tell him in a desperate attempt to let him know just how terrible awful I feel about what I've done, to let him know that I love him more than anything by stating that I'd do absolutely ANYTHING to make up for the mistakes that I've made? But a part of me believes that those mistakes, they can never be made up for. And that keeps me up at night. And it should. It fucking should.
For I feel like a terrible person tonight. For every sip of drinks that I take, for every tear that ran down my face when I purged, for every bite that I took of the sandwiches that later ended up in the toilet. I feel awful for what I'm doing to myself and I feel horrible for what I did to the man I would literally give anything for. Not just my sucky life, but literally everything.
Is that love, or just desperation, obsession, compulsion? Do I love him and everything that is him, or am I lost in a chaos of feelings and love an idea, or an ideal? How can I ever know. Though I know, I just know that this love will last forever. I might move on one day, pretend that I do! I might fall in love with someone else who would love me too; I still so strongly believe that I would still love K, even if I'm no longer in love with him. Does that make sense? He's in my soul since July 2013 and that's a bloody long time for someone like me. Me, who always keep falling in and out of love with any stranger.
I have to stop writing soon, these words become my enemy and I cannot grasp their concept. They demand me to explain and explain but I'm grasping at straws and it just becomes like this unsolvable mess. My whole life is a mess and at the same time as I try to understand it I also know how it happened all along. I was after all there every step of the way. But I cannot understand it, no matter how hard I try. Am I really that sick of living? That I deliberately try to cause severe dehydration even though I almost collapsed from it the summer before last? I don't even know why I drink, but to numb every feeling known to man and mostly, it is love that I try to drown. How sad isn't that?
Cause I can't... I just can't stand loving someone who shows no affection in return. I think I know why, but I'll keep that to myself. That much I'm able to shut up about it. That much, I'm still able to stay loyal to him.
Friday, 20 February 2015
Like a monster
I wonder if I'll ever go in patient for my eating disorder. It's kinda leaning towards that. I didn't tell my mother half the things we discussed during that meeting yesterday. That they want me to talk to a doctor asap. That they wanted to take tests to see how my potassium levels and such are.
I don't want to scare my mother, on what's really going on. I'm scaring myself already as it is. But if I ever end up so bad I have to get rushed to a hospital, I will freely go in patient, cause this shit is literally killing me and I'm just now starting to realise that. That's the only reason I would ever admit myself to a psychiatric ward again though. Me and psych wards just don't go well together.
I don't even know if I want to die, I don't know if I want to live. I keep dancing on the border and I keep risking my life for stupid things. Like being thin is such a stupid thing. Isn't it? My latest obsession is killing me. And I'm doing nothing to stop it, in fact I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and then we'll see where it takes me.
Haha, apparently my tumblr fan is a 15 year old guy who I think is from somewhere in the U.S. but that's just a guess. Yeah, I have a tumblr fan. He's always liking a bunch of my posts and reblogs every day and we chat almost every day too. Wonder if he realises that I'm 10 years older than him. Damn, now I feel old... but it's nice, having someone to talk to in an often quite casual manner. I hope he's not developing a crush on me though... really don't think I could handle that.
So much has gone on lately, and I can't tell you half it (not yet at least), but these last two weeks have been like a monster swallowing me whole. Eating disorder, anxiety, school, relationships and stress would be a good sum up. I'm slowly shutting down, can't deal with the world. I miss K, where are you when I need you? I'm always here when you need me.
But that's the thing about one sided relationships, isn't it? If I can even call it a relationship. Well, it's a friendship at least, that much I can call it. Only in my dreams there is more. And how it ravages me. I'm breaking apart, I'm falling and he's not there to catch me. Other people are, but it's just not the same. And how I dream of falling into his arms... My dreams are killing me. Them too.
No, I know I'm not dying yet, probably still quite far from it. I don't even know about my potassium levels. They could still be good. I accidentally told them I started purging the 18th January when it was actually the 28th. It's a 10 days dif, would that be important somehow? I mean, did I worry them too much by screwing up the dates? I don't know.
I'm drinking water now, just a few sips, that's all I can muster, while waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. My heart hurts, figuratively, maybe I should add this time. I just want to get away from everything right now. The whole world can just go and fuck itself sideways. I've had enough of it. Good night.
I don't want to scare my mother, on what's really going on. I'm scaring myself already as it is. But if I ever end up so bad I have to get rushed to a hospital, I will freely go in patient, cause this shit is literally killing me and I'm just now starting to realise that. That's the only reason I would ever admit myself to a psychiatric ward again though. Me and psych wards just don't go well together.
I don't even know if I want to die, I don't know if I want to live. I keep dancing on the border and I keep risking my life for stupid things. Like being thin is such a stupid thing. Isn't it? My latest obsession is killing me. And I'm doing nothing to stop it, in fact I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing and then we'll see where it takes me.
Haha, apparently my tumblr fan is a 15 year old guy who I think is from somewhere in the U.S. but that's just a guess. Yeah, I have a tumblr fan. He's always liking a bunch of my posts and reblogs every day and we chat almost every day too. Wonder if he realises that I'm 10 years older than him. Damn, now I feel old... but it's nice, having someone to talk to in an often quite casual manner. I hope he's not developing a crush on me though... really don't think I could handle that.
So much has gone on lately, and I can't tell you half it (not yet at least), but these last two weeks have been like a monster swallowing me whole. Eating disorder, anxiety, school, relationships and stress would be a good sum up. I'm slowly shutting down, can't deal with the world. I miss K, where are you when I need you? I'm always here when you need me.
But that's the thing about one sided relationships, isn't it? If I can even call it a relationship. Well, it's a friendship at least, that much I can call it. Only in my dreams there is more. And how it ravages me. I'm breaking apart, I'm falling and he's not there to catch me. Other people are, but it's just not the same. And how I dream of falling into his arms... My dreams are killing me. Them too.
No, I know I'm not dying yet, probably still quite far from it. I don't even know about my potassium levels. They could still be good. I accidentally told them I started purging the 18th January when it was actually the 28th. It's a 10 days dif, would that be important somehow? I mean, did I worry them too much by screwing up the dates? I don't know.
I'm drinking water now, just a few sips, that's all I can muster, while waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in. My heart hurts, figuratively, maybe I should add this time. I just want to get away from everything right now. The whole world can just go and fuck itself sideways. I've had enough of it. Good night.
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Real love
I still wonder if he knows, still not sure if I really have a chance with him. I'm still very shy, even when I'm drunk, and my hints are very vague, I hardly notice them myself. I give him compliments, about all sorts of things, but they only show care and liking, not necessarily love. If I was brave, like really brave, I would tell him that he's the most wonderful person I've ever met, but I'm not that brave.
And it's hard, keeping him in the dark about my feelings for him. It's hard because I just want him to know that there is someone, me, who really loves and adores him just the way he is. I think he needs that right now. Yet I'm selfish, cause I still can't, just fucking can't, risk losing him over telling him that truth. Afraid he would think it's just weird and awkward and push me away cause I creep him out.
I don't wanna be a creep, I so don't wanna be a creep, yet I can't understand why true love would make me one. I got that fixed idea that one way love is a thing for stalkers, that somehow I just can't understand how it's even possible for me to love him like this. Of course he's loveable, so very much loveable, and that's not what I meant. I don't understand how I can be in love with him unconditionally now and before I even got to know him. I wonder, can't help but wonder if that is love at all.
That's the thing about obsession. You get blinded and deafened and you lose your senses. You become insane over a very specific something or someone and that becomes your entire world, "just like that" and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it or stop you from your crazy feelings that has somehow gotten far way out of hand.
Do you understand what I mean, what obsessive love truly is? It's crude and awkward and so fundamentally wrong, almost like you become another person by losing yourself so completely like that. I truly am insane now, whether I was before all this or not. And I don't know what is true anymore. He could do anything no matter what, he could kill me and I would still love him to and beyond my death. That the one person I'd take a bullet for could end up being behind the trigger.
Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt he would be behind that figurative trigger, he's a genuinely nice person and wouldn't harm anyone. I just know that, even though I don't know him that well yet. What I mean is simply that he is really everything to me, so to the point it scares me. I knew I got lost in the darkness I live in, but I didn't know I would lose myself when I found the light.
The thing is, I think I need to find myself again, for obvious reasons. I need to know if this is real. Back in September or October, I was afraid I had fallen in love with an idea of him, a picture, a bunch of written words. I thought that just seeing him in person would solve that mystery, but I'm still not sure. I can never be. Cause if I just believe that I love him unconditionally, or if I actually do, how will I ever know the difference?
Let's say we hook up, and I'm still head over heals or even worse off, am I then still hooked on an idea or truly love him? Or we don't end up together, if he rejects me and I still can't ever let go, am I in love with an idea or truly love him? What is real love, cause it's just chemistry and signals in our brains that we interpret as what we call love, so how can we ever define what it means, what is truly the difference between real love and a strong-willed obsession based on nothing? The only way love really exists, is in our brains.
I'm getting hooked on that "what is real or not" kinda thing again... cause I can never know, no one can ever know and it just totally bugs me. No, as deep into my heart as I can possibly reach, I know that he's in there. If I just think about it. Everywhere, in every fibre, he's reached deeper into my soul than anyone has ever before. And it scares me, that's why I react this way. I'm just so fucking scared cause I know what I would do if he'd never love me back. If he just can't.
God, I'm still so very lovesick. Shifting between thinking he should love me, that we are so compatible it's silly - and that he's too good for me, like why would he ever consider me of all the fundamentally broken people in this country? Well, he's a bit broken too, but I'm not sure he would like that I say that. But he's also struggling, and I don't know, but in a perfect world we could heal other, become who we want to be together, always together. Just the two of us against the world and all odds.
My fairy tales rip me apart. And I know that I should get real, but I just can't. I think I'd die then. But truth be told, I really don't know what is real anymore, or how to get there. I think that's it for tonight.
And it's hard, keeping him in the dark about my feelings for him. It's hard because I just want him to know that there is someone, me, who really loves and adores him just the way he is. I think he needs that right now. Yet I'm selfish, cause I still can't, just fucking can't, risk losing him over telling him that truth. Afraid he would think it's just weird and awkward and push me away cause I creep him out.
I don't wanna be a creep, I so don't wanna be a creep, yet I can't understand why true love would make me one. I got that fixed idea that one way love is a thing for stalkers, that somehow I just can't understand how it's even possible for me to love him like this. Of course he's loveable, so very much loveable, and that's not what I meant. I don't understand how I can be in love with him unconditionally now and before I even got to know him. I wonder, can't help but wonder if that is love at all.
That's the thing about obsession. You get blinded and deafened and you lose your senses. You become insane over a very specific something or someone and that becomes your entire world, "just like that" and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it or stop you from your crazy feelings that has somehow gotten far way out of hand.
Do you understand what I mean, what obsessive love truly is? It's crude and awkward and so fundamentally wrong, almost like you become another person by losing yourself so completely like that. I truly am insane now, whether I was before all this or not. And I don't know what is true anymore. He could do anything no matter what, he could kill me and I would still love him to and beyond my death. That the one person I'd take a bullet for could end up being behind the trigger.
Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt he would be behind that figurative trigger, he's a genuinely nice person and wouldn't harm anyone. I just know that, even though I don't know him that well yet. What I mean is simply that he is really everything to me, so to the point it scares me. I knew I got lost in the darkness I live in, but I didn't know I would lose myself when I found the light.
The thing is, I think I need to find myself again, for obvious reasons. I need to know if this is real. Back in September or October, I was afraid I had fallen in love with an idea of him, a picture, a bunch of written words. I thought that just seeing him in person would solve that mystery, but I'm still not sure. I can never be. Cause if I just believe that I love him unconditionally, or if I actually do, how will I ever know the difference?
Let's say we hook up, and I'm still head over heals or even worse off, am I then still hooked on an idea or truly love him? Or we don't end up together, if he rejects me and I still can't ever let go, am I in love with an idea or truly love him? What is real love, cause it's just chemistry and signals in our brains that we interpret as what we call love, so how can we ever define what it means, what is truly the difference between real love and a strong-willed obsession based on nothing? The only way love really exists, is in our brains.
I'm getting hooked on that "what is real or not" kinda thing again... cause I can never know, no one can ever know and it just totally bugs me. No, as deep into my heart as I can possibly reach, I know that he's in there. If I just think about it. Everywhere, in every fibre, he's reached deeper into my soul than anyone has ever before. And it scares me, that's why I react this way. I'm just so fucking scared cause I know what I would do if he'd never love me back. If he just can't.
God, I'm still so very lovesick. Shifting between thinking he should love me, that we are so compatible it's silly - and that he's too good for me, like why would he ever consider me of all the fundamentally broken people in this country? Well, he's a bit broken too, but I'm not sure he would like that I say that. But he's also struggling, and I don't know, but in a perfect world we could heal other, become who we want to be together, always together. Just the two of us against the world and all odds.
My fairy tales rip me apart. And I know that I should get real, but I just can't. I think I'd die then. But truth be told, I really don't know what is real anymore, or how to get there. I think that's it for tonight.
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Waiting
I see him everywhere. In pictures, and in real life. I know it isn't him, but my mind somehow interprets it that way. It's not like I think he looks like everyone or that everyone look like him. Cause that's really not the case. It's more like I just want it to be him. That it would be him walking past me on the street in Hemse, that he would somehow be here, close to me. If only to just say hi or even just a quick wave.
I need him so damn much, but he doesn't need me. I crave, long, ache for him. I'm trying to find substitutes but nothing works. Like holding ice can be a substitute for self harm but it doesn't quite cut it, you know what I mean? Yes, pun intended.
I'm so terribly lonely and sad. Wishing I could shift back to the light me again, but I'm coping better this way. And like this I don't have to "fear" shifting again. Cause it's better to shift from dark to light than the other way around, for some reason. I wouldn't say either is more positive or negative, but I like the lighter half better. It's because the dark half is triggered, the light isn't. I shift back when I'm ready or something and then shift to dark again when triggered by something bad. Apparently either state lasts about a few days.
My distractions aren't working today. And writing like this is hardly a distraction at all, rather the opposite. I play a lot of WoW, but I don't really want to. It doesn't help or anything. Just passing time cause I can't think of anything better to do. Putting cloth heirlooms on a balance druid. Well, intellect is good and I level faster. Who cares that I might come off as the noob I am? I don't have leather heirlooms yet.
I write so much and can't decide what I want to share or not. Most of it I don't want to share. A lot of rantings about K mostly. My worries and fears. I'm gonna try to go to sleep soon. Enough waiting for today. Yeah, I'm waiting every day now, for him. I'm restless and upset, something is ripping and tearing inside me. Not so fun going to sleep like this, but it's 3:47 and I can't stay up waiting for something that won't happen.
I need him so damn much, but he doesn't need me. I crave, long, ache for him. I'm trying to find substitutes but nothing works. Like holding ice can be a substitute for self harm but it doesn't quite cut it, you know what I mean? Yes, pun intended.
I'm so terribly lonely and sad. Wishing I could shift back to the light me again, but I'm coping better this way. And like this I don't have to "fear" shifting again. Cause it's better to shift from dark to light than the other way around, for some reason. I wouldn't say either is more positive or negative, but I like the lighter half better. It's because the dark half is triggered, the light isn't. I shift back when I'm ready or something and then shift to dark again when triggered by something bad. Apparently either state lasts about a few days.
My distractions aren't working today. And writing like this is hardly a distraction at all, rather the opposite. I play a lot of WoW, but I don't really want to. It doesn't help or anything. Just passing time cause I can't think of anything better to do. Putting cloth heirlooms on a balance druid. Well, intellect is good and I level faster. Who cares that I might come off as the noob I am? I don't have leather heirlooms yet.
I write so much and can't decide what I want to share or not. Most of it I don't want to share. A lot of rantings about K mostly. My worries and fears. I'm gonna try to go to sleep soon. Enough waiting for today. Yeah, I'm waiting every day now, for him. I'm restless and upset, something is ripping and tearing inside me. Not so fun going to sleep like this, but it's 3:47 and I can't stay up waiting for something that won't happen.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
With my heart on the edge
I still miss him, but I don't know what to say here. If I start writing about him and what's been up, he'll definitely know it's him if he reads this. If he doesn't already know, that is. But yeah, I'd say things are going in the right direction now.
I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.
It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.
Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.
I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.
All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?
I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.
I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.
I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.
It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.
Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.
I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.
All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?
I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.
I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.
Monday, 12 May 2014
Hell is living without you
This joyride cannot last if I can't find a way to hold on to it. It's been two months and all I do is sit on my ass cause I'm afraid I'll break down again if I got up. And I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid that I might not want anything at all. There's the war in my heart as well, that as long as my only wish is to be with K it's not gonna be easy to find something else to aim for, if you know what I mean.
I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.
This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.
I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.
So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.
Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.
I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.
I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?
I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.
This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.
I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.
So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.
Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.
I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.
I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?
Thursday, 8 May 2014
And I'll keep trying
Oh, noodles! It's been over 40 hours since I last ate something and damn one appreciates food like never before after fasting. Even I do. Though with all the cream I add in it there's quite much calories, so I can't eat anything else today. I'm trying to stay under 500 kcal a day. It is very little, but trust me, I know my body too damn well, and as I'm trying to lose weight I have to eat very little.
I don't want to give up on piercings. Just saying I want to try to get some again. I've wanted septum for some time (maybe a few years) but since I'm blowing my nose constantly I doubt it's gonna work cause it would be nearly impossible to keep it clean for it to heal. Giving up on my eyebrow though. It's a superficial piercing and my body hated it from the time I got it in 2010 up until I took it out for the surgery in March. No, can't get it back in again, I tried.
So I'm thinking about getting a new centre labret again. Second time. Take better care of it this time. I might do it when I get to the main country, since there are no good piercing studios here on Gotland. And I need to go behind my mother's back again... But I want to have something in my nose as well, so that I can wear a chain going from my ear. They look so cool, and I've always wanted that too.
Just got back from the gym. I'm still not used to going there, I'm a bit edgy and nervous. Especially when passing through the men's locker room. No doubt about it, that's where I belong, but my insecurity shines like the sun. So anyway, I had been on the bike for 20 minutes (burned 97 calories) and really needed some water. I didn't bring my own bottle so I thought I'd just use the tap in the locker room. But then there was this big guy just standing there and I was like "eeek just gonna have some water oki bye bye". I didn't say that of course, but I must have looked absolutely frightened.
My mind started wandering again and again I can't stop thinking about K. I tried though, thought I must write about something else, finish this blog entry without mentioning K, but who am I trying to fool? Of course I had to mention him again. I'm really spell bound by him right now. Like, what's he doing to me? No I know that it's not actually him doing something to make me feel that way, or at least I don't think so. If it is, then I won't complain at all!
I don't want to give up on piercings. Just saying I want to try to get some again. I've wanted septum for some time (maybe a few years) but since I'm blowing my nose constantly I doubt it's gonna work cause it would be nearly impossible to keep it clean for it to heal. Giving up on my eyebrow though. It's a superficial piercing and my body hated it from the time I got it in 2010 up until I took it out for the surgery in March. No, can't get it back in again, I tried.
So I'm thinking about getting a new centre labret again. Second time. Take better care of it this time. I might do it when I get to the main country, since there are no good piercing studios here on Gotland. And I need to go behind my mother's back again... But I want to have something in my nose as well, so that I can wear a chain going from my ear. They look so cool, and I've always wanted that too.
Just got back from the gym. I'm still not used to going there, I'm a bit edgy and nervous. Especially when passing through the men's locker room. No doubt about it, that's where I belong, but my insecurity shines like the sun. So anyway, I had been on the bike for 20 minutes (burned 97 calories) and really needed some water. I didn't bring my own bottle so I thought I'd just use the tap in the locker room. But then there was this big guy just standing there and I was like "eeek just gonna have some water oki bye bye". I didn't say that of course, but I must have looked absolutely frightened.
My mind started wandering again and again I can't stop thinking about K. I tried though, thought I must write about something else, finish this blog entry without mentioning K, but who am I trying to fool? Of course I had to mention him again. I'm really spell bound by him right now. Like, what's he doing to me? No I know that it's not actually him doing something to make me feel that way, or at least I don't think so. If it is, then I won't complain at all!
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
Loving you since June
I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?
I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.
No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.
But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.
And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."
Monday, 31 March 2014
Losing you
It's like I've lost a part of myself, when I lose myself completely and can't find my way back without guidance. Maybe not even with, cause maybe there is no way back. I look at him and I wonder. For the first time, a thought slipped into my head: why can't I stop loving you? I've never wanted that, I didn't think that I did. Perhaps the pain is finally exceeding what is wonderful about it.
And now as I see clear, or clearer at least, I think new insights are possible. That I'm not so blinded anymore. The risk of becoming "safe" with emotions is that they may fade. I don't want them to fade, it would be like losing you. Though I never had you to begin with, and with no intention of owning you, it still feels like I'm losing you somehow. When in fact, I'm only losing some of those feelings. I hope not, I want to cling to them, I need to whether I'd like to or not.
I have to because they are my life force now and they always were. That thing that I wrote earlier about them being essential for my survival. And even though I'm much stronger now, I can't take the risk. I may fear the weirdest things, but I think I have good reasons to. Past experiences, for instance.
Though I didn't die last time, it was a hell to get through and I know I did everything wrong, but I did what I could at the time being. I might as well have died, you know. Cause something inside me did. It was like a part of my soul was brutally ripped out at the same time as my heart was broken. When suicide was the only option. Five times I tried, but I don't know, it was like I gave up after that. Like I just understood that it was out of my power, that I couldn't control destiny or what happened to me. In the past or the future. The destiny that I never wanted to believe in, cause it was so cruel.
That little relapse into the suicidal drama I had last summer really had nothing to do with love. It was only fear, and I tried to escape a horrible future. I was in love already, as I clinged to his picture and hesitated to mention him in my suicide letter. Thinking I didn't want him to know if I died, that it would put a terrible burden and sorrow on his part. I'm considerate that way.
No, it's like love is my drug to survival, ironically. Cause it's also my ticket to death, but it's two sides of a coin, you know. I think a lot of things work that way, that you can always turn them up-side-down and they become their opposite. The cure becomes a poison so easily. Love is so fragile that way, I've come to realise. And dreams are too.
So what can I do, but to hope that my love for him won't become my poison? I still have so much to learn, and I want to know about the good sides of love. I crave it so intensively, but all I've ever had are impossible dreams and chanceless hopes. Hence why I almost always tag these kind of entries with both "hope" and "hopelessness" cause it's always a sting of both.
Yeah, I feel as though I will never experience that. True love. Cause no matter who I fall in love with it's always the wrong person, cause either they have the wrong sexual orientation or they're already seeing someone or they live 100 miles away. Or heck, why not all three for a change?
No, I will never fall in love again. If that means cutting myself off from humanity all together, then so be it. I've had enough of unrequited love for a lifetime or maybe even two. I don't even know for sure if this is unrequited, I leave that option open for just a little longer. Cause you never know until you know. And I don't know, not for sure. The problem is though that I don't want to know. It is not an option that I want to cross over on my pending list of eternal doom, you know what I'm saying?
Perhaps I'm not so clear in all my scribbles sometimes, I can get a little fast with the keyboard sometimes, now when I write as fast in English as in Swedish it can get kinda wild. What I meant is that if he was to tell me it's never gonna happen, I'm sure that I will fall and I won't be coming back. Ever. That last fall which of course will be both figuratively and literally meant and I will make sure I won't survive it. Jump high enough and there will be nothing left but meat loaf. But enough about my wild fantasies, which I shouldn't share that often, it's creepy.
So yeah... I'm planning my own death but at the same time I don't want to do it. It's just that I know that it has to be done. That there is no ther way. And I hope that I won't need to in a very long time, but I don't think it will be in such a long time. I've been keeping that part from my shrinks, but only because I don't want to be marked off as another hopeless case. I know I need whatever help they can give me in the form of pills and meetings. And I've been meaning to take up that dealing with past traumas kinda shit, but I just can't muster it. It's tearing me apart just thinking about it, so how the hell can I bring it up? And no, I can't tell my mother to tell them, cause I can't muster that either. One day... one day I might.
I got off track, sorry. I just can't find a way to finish this entry, cause there is no finish, there is no punch line. It just goes on and on and sometimes on hold and sometimes stronger, but it never ends. Maybe all I can say is that love will tear me apart, one day or another.
And now as I see clear, or clearer at least, I think new insights are possible. That I'm not so blinded anymore. The risk of becoming "safe" with emotions is that they may fade. I don't want them to fade, it would be like losing you. Though I never had you to begin with, and with no intention of owning you, it still feels like I'm losing you somehow. When in fact, I'm only losing some of those feelings. I hope not, I want to cling to them, I need to whether I'd like to or not.
I have to because they are my life force now and they always were. That thing that I wrote earlier about them being essential for my survival. And even though I'm much stronger now, I can't take the risk. I may fear the weirdest things, but I think I have good reasons to. Past experiences, for instance.
Though I didn't die last time, it was a hell to get through and I know I did everything wrong, but I did what I could at the time being. I might as well have died, you know. Cause something inside me did. It was like a part of my soul was brutally ripped out at the same time as my heart was broken. When suicide was the only option. Five times I tried, but I don't know, it was like I gave up after that. Like I just understood that it was out of my power, that I couldn't control destiny or what happened to me. In the past or the future. The destiny that I never wanted to believe in, cause it was so cruel.
That little relapse into the suicidal drama I had last summer really had nothing to do with love. It was only fear, and I tried to escape a horrible future. I was in love already, as I clinged to his picture and hesitated to mention him in my suicide letter. Thinking I didn't want him to know if I died, that it would put a terrible burden and sorrow on his part. I'm considerate that way.
No, it's like love is my drug to survival, ironically. Cause it's also my ticket to death, but it's two sides of a coin, you know. I think a lot of things work that way, that you can always turn them up-side-down and they become their opposite. The cure becomes a poison so easily. Love is so fragile that way, I've come to realise. And dreams are too.
So what can I do, but to hope that my love for him won't become my poison? I still have so much to learn, and I want to know about the good sides of love. I crave it so intensively, but all I've ever had are impossible dreams and chanceless hopes. Hence why I almost always tag these kind of entries with both "hope" and "hopelessness" cause it's always a sting of both.
Yeah, I feel as though I will never experience that. True love. Cause no matter who I fall in love with it's always the wrong person, cause either they have the wrong sexual orientation or they're already seeing someone or they live 100 miles away. Or heck, why not all three for a change?
No, I will never fall in love again. If that means cutting myself off from humanity all together, then so be it. I've had enough of unrequited love for a lifetime or maybe even two. I don't even know for sure if this is unrequited, I leave that option open for just a little longer. Cause you never know until you know. And I don't know, not for sure. The problem is though that I don't want to know. It is not an option that I want to cross over on my pending list of eternal doom, you know what I'm saying?
Perhaps I'm not so clear in all my scribbles sometimes, I can get a little fast with the keyboard sometimes, now when I write as fast in English as in Swedish it can get kinda wild. What I meant is that if he was to tell me it's never gonna happen, I'm sure that I will fall and I won't be coming back. Ever. That last fall which of course will be both figuratively and literally meant and I will make sure I won't survive it. Jump high enough and there will be nothing left but meat loaf. But enough about my wild fantasies, which I shouldn't share that often, it's creepy.
So yeah... I'm planning my own death but at the same time I don't want to do it. It's just that I know that it has to be done. That there is no ther way. And I hope that I won't need to in a very long time, but I don't think it will be in such a long time. I've been keeping that part from my shrinks, but only because I don't want to be marked off as another hopeless case. I know I need whatever help they can give me in the form of pills and meetings. And I've been meaning to take up that dealing with past traumas kinda shit, but I just can't muster it. It's tearing me apart just thinking about it, so how the hell can I bring it up? And no, I can't tell my mother to tell them, cause I can't muster that either. One day... one day I might.
I got off track, sorry. I just can't find a way to finish this entry, cause there is no finish, there is no punch line. It just goes on and on and sometimes on hold and sometimes stronger, but it never ends. Maybe all I can say is that love will tear me apart, one day or another.
Sunday, 30 March 2014
A part of me
I don't write so much about him in my blog anymore, cause maybe it makes me nervous now that I know that he reads it. But I'm still in love, and very much so, I just don't know how to appropriately display that. Cause maybe I should just keep it to myself? I'm not really modest, quite the opposite in fact, I just don't know what to do with these feelings that basically still are allover the place. Maybe love is always like that, allover the place and kinda intangible.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Getting a little nostalgic over when I first fell in love with him, cause even though it was painful and I resisted it so much, it was still kinda sweet. Caressing. I don't exactly know what I'm actually nostalgic over, cause it's better now that I've contained most of those sprawling emotions and kept them safe. Cause now that my love for him has reached in so deeply and become essential for my survival, it's like I've become safe with them. Like they became a part of me somehow.
Cause they are, you know, essential for my survival. I think that the only way I can survive is to keep those feelings alive and well inside me. That if my dream would shatter then so would I. I try not to think about it that way, cause I know somehow that it will happen, sooner or later. Sort of when I will come to my senses, cause however much I deny and deny and deny it some more there's not such a high chance that we will end up together.
It feels weird writing about this like that, too look at it a bit from the outside, to get a glimpse of what it really is, this obsession. Just how it changes me, cause it still does. And I wonder, a little bit, is it more about the feeling than it is about him? No, it isn't. Cause my feelings may be stronger than mountains, but nothing is more important than him. It's the person that I adore, not the love that I feel.
It might appear that way because of how I write, but it's basically just to protect him you know, protect him from being on display on my very public blog. No one else can know about him, who he is and what I know. It stays between us, or maybe just in my head. And I do that because I care so much, not because it's an obligation of loyalty or whatever. (Loyalty should never be an obligation, but to some people it is.) So I simply write about what I can share, which is my stupid feelings, which means that they get more focus, obviously.
So you see, there's still much that I have to say. But it tends to become repetitive, and I can't upload however much shit on my blog if it's all gonna be just the same old rantings. Meaningless or meaningful rantings are also better left in my own head. Cause I don't need to share everything, you know, even though I am like an open book.
But I do want to share a lot, get it out of my system, and to let him know. That I'm still here, and he's not forgotten or anything. And somehow it feels better when I've written and published, as if a part of my burden has been lifted. Well, I could go on with this forever, but that would be too much to edit so I'll just leave it at that.
Monday, 24 March 2014
Maybe
I want to be with him, but will I ever? Will I ever? It's the question that only one answer will suffice for. One, not the other. I don't even want to imagine the devastation it would bring me if the answer is "no". And still it hangs in the air, the only answer I have that isn't actually an answer. That "maybe" is the only thing I cling to.
A simple maybe to answer all of my questions regarding him. The void it leaves me, like a shallow breath that neither warms or feels cold. Like a space between time and room, perfectly still.
What is it to hold on to? The resemblance of an answer, something not completely whole, so fragile yet unbreakable. Like a soap bubble it is, perfect in it's own atmosphere, but so easily breaks. But it cannot break by its own, because only the real answer can.
A maybe is like a middle ground, it is safe between yes and no, because it leaves all the doors open. But with a maybe you get nowhere. Stranded in that safety, it won't get you anywhere. And I'm lost in it, I lose myself in it on purpose because I'm afraid of choice. Most of all I'm afraid of the choice another person has to make. What I cannot control, and I sit patiently and wait. Waiting for what may never happen just because I'm too afraid to act.
A simple maybe to answer all of my questions regarding him. The void it leaves me, like a shallow breath that neither warms or feels cold. Like a space between time and room, perfectly still.
What is it to hold on to? The resemblance of an answer, something not completely whole, so fragile yet unbreakable. Like a soap bubble it is, perfect in it's own atmosphere, but so easily breaks. But it cannot break by its own, because only the real answer can.
A maybe is like a middle ground, it is safe between yes and no, because it leaves all the doors open. But with a maybe you get nowhere. Stranded in that safety, it won't get you anywhere. And I'm lost in it, I lose myself in it on purpose because I'm afraid of choice. Most of all I'm afraid of the choice another person has to make. What I cannot control, and I sit patiently and wait. Waiting for what may never happen just because I'm too afraid to act.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Safe
I didn't tell my mother that I had my first shower post op, or that I almost fainted at the look of myself as the words "what have I done?" popped up in my head. I still don't regret anything, but it was quite a powerful feeling, whatever it was that I felt. Other times I think "why do I have to do something like this to be able to not hate my body?" and that it fucking sucks being transsexual. Fucking sucks.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamà and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamà and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
In another language
Obsessive love, you've got me on my knees. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this for someone else, but why do I keep lying to my family? I want to keep everyone at a distance. Far enough to not touch my heart, but close enough for them to see me. Knowing that I'm still there, but a part of me isn't. Sure I talk about how I'm doing, but I leave stuff out, like the most important stuff. I talk about anxiety when love kills me, I talk about tiredness when I'm lethargic or filled with sorrow. I let people see the surface, but not what is going on underneath. I tell them what they already see.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Maybe love would drive me insane if I wasn't already crazy. If only I could find someone else who is also feeling like this or has before. Preferably before, and how they got out of it. What I did wasn't exactly a good advice to give anyone except possibly an enemy or two. Cause suicide seems to do the trick, and surviving an attempt did it for me. I could really use some good advice from someone who's been in my shoes. What to do when love suffocates you, when the best feeling in the world is slowly killing you?
I'm watching the Buffy series again, and thinking I'm much like how Spike was in the last 2-3 seasons. What did he do for the way he felt? He died for her, he fucking died for her. Sorry for spoilers, but it just feels important to say that. I'm crying again, and I cannot stop for the feelings remain. I've carried this for almost nine months now and I just don't know what to do.
I can't let go of him, I can't. I've tried and I'm not gonna try again, cause I don't think I would survive it. I think about him not just every day, but every night, every hour, every damned minute. I think about him when I write about other stuff, when I play WoW, when I watch a tv-show or a movie that doesn't even depict love, when I embroider or do my laundry. All. The. Time.
Some times I don't really notice it, other times it's overwhelming. Gradually increases or decreases. It's become a routine, a habit, something that just is, following me like a shadow, or sweeps by like the wind. And it's constantly blowing on this island, so it's not a bad comparison. Exactly what I think is for me alone, too private to tell anyone. You don't wanna hear it anyway.
It's not just the thoughts you know, or waking up from a dreams about him, or missing him painfully much thirty times a day, or the picture I can't stop staring it, or the poems about him that I can't stop writing; it's the feelings. The feelings that words cannot describe. They're like a silent scream and a gentle hug at the same time. Speaking their own language that I cannot translate, but I do understand it. Oh damn, I understand it.
The tiredness of today has made me more sensitive than usual these days. It's like I'm about to collapse every minute, but I don't. Both physically and mentally, literally and figuratively. I'm on the verge of crashing, but I hold my breath, stop and start again. Pretend that I'm smoking: holding my breath for a few seconds before breathing again. An unusual way of smoking, or so I've heard. Breathing out slowly before I take my next breath. God, I miss smoking. But not as much as I miss him.
It's clawing inside me, like anxiety, but more around and in my heart than the rest of me like anxiety does. More searing and raw. Why do we feel love in our hearts? Cause it's more in the brain really, and for some of us it's in the soul. And where is the soul? I don't know, and I think no one really does. I think it's a bit like the aura though, or maybe the aura is the soul? It would make sense somehow. The way every aura has its own colour, or combination of colours, like it's our personalities in a way. I love the way auras look. Like the northern lights, or an amazing sunset. It's really something. You should see them too, and if you can't, I wish that you could.
I got off track again, but I'd rather think about auras right now. And just like that, I'm back to thinking about him again. Or rather, the thoughts flowed back to the surface again, they were just hiding in a lower layer.
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
But love isn't fair
It's only two days left now, and the anxiety is holding a firm grip around my throat, suffocating me. It's the "Love is in the air" thing in world of warcraft now, and all the pink hearts popping up everywhere make me feel sick. Was it always like this? I don't remember.
This just struck me, what am I gonna do without the cigarettes this time? How can I endure this without the sweet smoke? Blood, alcohol, anxiolytic drugs, chocolate, blankets and warm showers, movies, more video gaming and whatever I can think of. Whatever I can think of...
I just got a phone call, and the person on the other end said they were calling from "Socialstyrelsen" and my heart missed a beat or two. I snapped at them and didn't know what I was feeling. But after they had explained who they were, I was like "oh... it's you" suddenly feeling utterly embarrassed and unnecessarily evil. Or something. It's just the LSS people, no worries at all.
I'm a bit jumpy and freaked allover today. Hardly know what I'm doing and I think I forgot to eat too. My head is spinning and I'm trying to calm down, but it's not easy. A thousand things run through it and I can't keep up. Maybe I shouldn't even try.
At first I thought this might not go so bad at all, considering I seem to take it better every year, but then this about the cigarettes. I'm in abstinence and quite a mess mentally. This... hopefully I don't go and do something stupid that I will regret after. It's just a memory, why do I let it kill me?
I miss my blood elf priest. Gonna go and do some pointless quests now. I know I don't write here that often nowadays, but trust me I do write, I just don't post it. Well, until now that is. The title, I just thought "love is in the air, but love isn't fair". No other reason, or whatever.
This just struck me, what am I gonna do without the cigarettes this time? How can I endure this without the sweet smoke? Blood, alcohol, anxiolytic drugs, chocolate, blankets and warm showers, movies, more video gaming and whatever I can think of. Whatever I can think of...
I just got a phone call, and the person on the other end said they were calling from "Socialstyrelsen" and my heart missed a beat or two. I snapped at them and didn't know what I was feeling. But after they had explained who they were, I was like "oh... it's you" suddenly feeling utterly embarrassed and unnecessarily evil. Or something. It's just the LSS people, no worries at all.
I'm a bit jumpy and freaked allover today. Hardly know what I'm doing and I think I forgot to eat too. My head is spinning and I'm trying to calm down, but it's not easy. A thousand things run through it and I can't keep up. Maybe I shouldn't even try.
At first I thought this might not go so bad at all, considering I seem to take it better every year, but then this about the cigarettes. I'm in abstinence and quite a mess mentally. This... hopefully I don't go and do something stupid that I will regret after. It's just a memory, why do I let it kill me?
I miss my blood elf priest. Gonna go and do some pointless quests now. I know I don't write here that often nowadays, but trust me I do write, I just don't post it. Well, until now that is. The title, I just thought "love is in the air, but love isn't fair". No other reason, or whatever.
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