Just venting

I've been repeating the phrase "oh my god" in my head for almost three hours now. I'm trying to decide if I should take up on that offer about surgery the 4th of February. It's merely a week. It's a surgeon who's name I didn't recognise and I can't remember it so I can't look it up. Do I want it? Hell yeah! But isn't a bit too soon? I mean, they could have told me a bit earlier.

Is there a chance I could talk to that surgeon before? I don't just wanna jump into it, cause what if something went wrong, what if he's not good at that sort of surgery? I don't just wanna "get rid of" my parts, I wanna look good as well.

I think my head is gonna explode. The woman who called me said she wanted me to call back already today, but come on, shouldn't I at least get one day to think about it? It's a huge thing, for god's sake! Of course I wanna have that surgery, of course I wanna have the result, but there are other things to take into consideration here.

It's not like I'm gonna have my tonsils removed, this is plastic surgery. Why do they call it that, by the way? I'm not gonna have any plastic put inside me. Anyway, this is very important to me, I mean very important. And it's just as important that it comes out with a good result. I'm not expecting miracles, but I don't wanna look like shit either. I don't want that surgeon to fuck it up.

That's the only reason why I hesitate, don't get me wrong. I also haven't stopped smoking like a chimney, which could be a small problem, but hardly that important. I really didn't count on it coming up in such short notice. Though they are very busy over there in that department, so it's probably because someone cancelled their appointment and I got it instead.

Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? Call my mother. Okay, she just said I had to think about it. Yeah, my head will definitely explode... More tea and cigarettes to calm me down. Writing lists on pros and cons. So far more cons, but the pros are stronger. God damn hard this is.

Yeah, I'm still repeating that "oh my god" while Anna tells me to stop cursing already. "It's not very productive and you don't even believe in God". Yeah yeah yeah, but I believe I just shun him and what does it matter anyway I need to vent god damn it.