It's all at once

It's been a good day in Azeroth today. Got overjoyed by levelling Jewelcrafting from 498 to 587. Zones Deepholm and Uldum finished with lots of achievements (five or six just today) and started in Vashj'ir. And also I got nearly two thousand gold from questing and selling things off on the auction house. More than I could ask for in just one day! But then I've been logged in since 11:00 am which is almost eleven hours... That's not so much for being me these days though.

I'm feeling the effect of my sleeping pills, but still won't go to bed. I like this feeling, I wanna stay in it. So soft, gently embracing me with a cradling calm. So soothing, the storm in my head stopped swirling and all the thoughts and feelings started fading, like leaves from a tree in the autumn breeze.

I'm feeling poetic, yet wordless in this moment. Like seeing the colourful world through a shallow shadow. The words are like smoke, impossible to capture, yet visible and constantly moving around. Ascending, swirling, spreading. My feelings like a burned out camp fire, still warm from the flames that has faded, making the coal glowing bright red. A reminder of the past that I cannot let go of.

It's hitting me all at once again, and I do my very best to forget it all and find peace in world of warcraft. My love, my homesickness, my weight are my obsessions. Yes, you read right, it's not just interests or a little too dedicated, it's leaning towards actual obsessions.

My positive obsession though, is world of warcraft. Why is that one positive? Simply because it's fun and harmless. The other are destructive, heart tearing, brutalisingmy mind, eating me up inside like an infesting worm. Memories that hurt like broken glass on bare feel. Feelings that cut too deep and get lost in the abyss of my heart. Thoughts penetrating my exhausted mind, stinging like acid in my mouth when I speak they out loud.

Searing, sore and unkind. Such is my mind.

*

I'm painfully hungry, just want another shake before I go to bed, but I'm having a glass of milk instead. These pills are so effective, I don't know how much longer I can stay awake for. I know I shouldn't, but something invites me to fight back, stay awake. Just a little longer, just a little. Maybe I'll have an Imovane. With that in my blood stream I cannot defeat that effect.

Okay, just took one, so I'll have to deal with the taste of metal in my mouth for the most of tomorrow. I can usually go to bed when that side effect reaches my throat. You see it sort of crawls upwards, slowly. Like water over the skin, in a thin streak.

I smoke so much when I'm hungry or fight against the effect of sleeping pills. It's both right now, so you can probably figure out how many cigarettes has been consumed this early night. The only addiction/habit I will never quit. Maybe I'll pause every now and then for special occasions (like for the up coming surgery that seems to never gonna take place).

My god I long for that surgery, more and more for each time I think of it. I wonder how long it's gonna take. How much longer I'm supposed to wait. Guess I'm not a priority. Transpersons rarely are a priority. It's considered cosmetic surgery, which is a load of crap with a sting of truth in it. Cause it's about looking better, but it's first and foremost a necessity for the person to go on living.

I don't think I've ever met any other transsexual who's never had suicidal thoughts at some point during or before transition. That is just too damn sad.The health care system and people working around the issue and the government should care more for this rather small group of unfortunate people.

People say they don't understand transsexialism, but to they really have to. Just treat us like normal human being accept us we are. It's not a stupid choice no one can imagine someone making. It's real and we are standing right in front of your goddamned faces. How can they not understand  cthat's simplie: the transperson changing their sex because they can't stand living with it as it.