Strength in hairs

So I've been thinking, pondering... if I should shave my hair off. I don't really want to, although I guess it could be exciting in some sense. The actual reason I'm considering it is because my hair is so horrible looking and in such bad quality now that I literally can't think of any way to possibly save it. I'm always wearing a wig in public now, and I'm planning on buying more wigs in different colours and styles. So like... if my hair just looks like a rat's ass that I don't want to show in public anyway, and I'm wearing wigs anyway... what's the point of keeping it on my head? I don't even bother to keep up with dyeing or trimming it. It's like I've already given up on it.

I think what I fear or worry the most about if I'd really shave it is... well, losing a part of my femininity, losing another part of my body (even though it's not a permanent "loss" it's still a pretty big thing), and that my hair is a big comfort for me. I've never felt comfortable in short hair, as either or any gender. I've had short hair as a girl before, at around age 16, and obviously as a kid (0-7ish) when my parents didn't allow me to grow my hair out. And I then also had short hair as a guy when I was like 21, and then again at age 24. So I have had short hair, but felt really uncomfortable about it every time. But then I also get really annoyed at my hair when it's long, although I very rarely ever get any wish to cut if off. I usually just get a wish to tie it up.

It was at 24 that I also cut it cause it was horribly damaged. That time was from way too intense bleaching. I bleached it literally 12 times... oops. That fried my hair completely so I went from waist length to a short kinda typical "guy style" yeah that short blonde backslick which I still have photos of on my facebook page. However, I can't really "just" get a short hairstyle now. It's damaged to the roots, or even into the roots. Cause what grows out is very, very thin and brittle. It keeps breaking off close to the scalp. I don't know what's happened to it, if it's the testo or something else. Cause about 3-4 years ago and all the time before that, it was very thick and lots of it. Now, I have about a quarter of what I used to, and the hairs themselves are about half the thickness and so brittle they literally break in my hands. If I'd take one strand in my hands and snap it, it requires no effort at all. I can see my scalp through it, like what little is left of it doesn't even cover the skin it grows on anymore. That is a bad look. So seriously, I think the only thing I even can do about it at this point is to cut it all off.

So erhm well... my hair is dead. I just don't have the courage to bury it. I don't need more things about my body to mourn though... It's like... up until recently (few months ago) I kept beating the dead horse, but then I stopped and I'm letting it be, but it's still lying there and I don't have the heart to let it actually rest in peace. I still keep it in my damn stable and keep bringing it food and water, just hoping it may still come back to life again.

I've always loved having long hair... I never got the black, hip-long, thick hair I always dreamed of having since I was a kid. That long wigs are just not comfortable to wear at all. They slip off even with glue, get really fucking entangled and take forever to detangle. I know, there might still be hope for my hair at some point. If it is the testo causing it to have gotten so thin and brittle, there is a slim chance that the longer I stay off the testo my hair might possibly regain some of its former strength, eventually. But even if so, shaving it might still be a better solution than keeping it. Cause it might look better when it grows out again then. It still keeps growing at a normal rate. So I mean, just shaving it once wouldn't be an irreversible change. It's just hair, right?

Well I'm gonna need to think about this a hell of a lot more before I'll make any actual decision on it. I would prefer to wait until after I have boobs again, cause I think then it would be easier to deal with losing the femininity that having long hair comes with, if I at least have boobs to feel feminine with, as a comfort. But I also know that I'm just feeling worse and worse about my hair by the fucking day. If it doesn't get better soon I'm likely gonna have a breakdown about it either way. Also, I can't keep post-pobning literally everything until after I have new boobs. Life doesn't stop for that.

Also, a VERY important sidenote about boobs:
While masturbating last night... even though I hate touching my flat chest, I decided to give it a go, just to try out something new. What I did was squeezing one side of my chest, like really hard as if there was a boob there that I was squeezing excitedly, repeatedly and constantly, while holding a vibe against my clit, and fuck almighty... it felt so good. And I felt my super strong orgasm also internally, despite no penetration (cause I'd have needed a third hand to manage that). I managed to trick my mind to think I was actually squeezing my own, real boob, and it felt sooo good. Not just good, it touched my soul. It made me feel an intensely amazing connection between my chest and my pussy that I have literally never felt before. Like there were sparks shooting between them through my stomach, enticing each other to orgasm. Damn, it was so beautiful.

I felt like a complete woman, super attractive and just right. It made me think that... maybe I've already cured away my chest-trauma feelings as well? Cause... it had no "dirt" in it, that feeling of being aroused by touching my chest in a way that made me feel as though it was my breast I was touching, in a very "womanly" erotic way (yes I squeezed it very hard, but it didn't hurt at all, it felt just awesome, do remember my nerves are a little dead in that area)... it had no "dirt"... it was pure. I'm still very dysphoric and grieving about my chest, but in that moment I connected to it, more than I ever had before. I connected to it because I could literaly FEEL like I had breasts again, and I loved every second of it. That's some fucking badass "mind over matter" alright! That moment felt like the clearest sign EVER that I will be whole again with new boobs. And likely also ridiculously sexually fulfilled...

But back to my hair issue:
This is not an easy decision to try to make. And I'm trying to not be upset by it. Like... lots of women look really badass with a bald head, and many also see it as a freeing and empowering thing to do. But then it's also super common for women who lose their hair to grieve like fuck. So erhm yeah...

But then it also gets tricky cause I don't think I'd be comfortable with having a beard if I had no hair on my head. Like I'd just feel like I'd look like a total dude and not at all that sweetly femme with a male touch. Unless I'd wear a wig of course. So I mean I could do so that I'd only have a beard if I'm wearing a wig but shave my face if I'd go without a wig. I think I have gotten a lot braver in general since detransing, but this still feels like it's very far from my comfort zone, and it's difficult for me to even just toy with the idea. It's like some really hot potato I really don't wanna hold in my hands.

But it might also be freeing if I'd actually dare to let go of that comfort and actually work on my issues with that. I don't know if that's a gendered thing... cause men seem to be less bothered by shaving their heads, and most of my guy friends have at least tried it once or twice, even if they've got super thick, nice hair with no signs of balding. And most balding guys I know don't seem to have cared much about shaving off the rest. But of course some do and have struggled with it. Just like some women never have any issue with shaving their heads or having very short hair. But I've gotta wonder if that's societal or biological. Like... why exactly are women more likely to feel emotionally attached to their hair, than men are to theirs? Cause it could totally be societal, about women often being told they should be pretty and have long hair. But then even a lot of butch women who don't really care about looking "pretty" seem to have the same emotional hangup about shaving it like many femme women do, and some femme women don't have that hangup. So I dunno. Could be a combination of societal and biological, maybe.

It made me think of a movie I watched a really long time ago. I liked it but it had a lot of boring scenes too. It's called "G.I. Jane" and is about a woman who joins the army (I've forgotten her reason for joining it) and she rebels against the sexism in the military like that she was considered "weak" for being female and it also bothered her that she was allowed to keep her hair long cause the men were required to shave theirs. Around halfway into the movie she gets her hair entangled or slightly stuck in clothes or whatever, like it doesn't injure her at all, but it slows her down and she's already struggling to keep up with the men, so she decides to shave it off. And that gives her the mental strength and bravery that she needs to reach her potential as a soldier. So that's like... quite a "girl power" movie and is of course based on the "G.I. Joe" thing, whatever that was I don't quite remember but I'm pretty sure it's an "action figure" like a masc doll for little boys to play with. It's like a Ken doll in military clothes... But if that doll came from a movie, or a comic, or whatever... I dunno. But anyhow.

I really have too much to deal with already. With my boob-grief, accepting my facial hair, detransing in general, all the trauma stuff... I really don't need to deal with hair-grief as well right now. Also it's winter, meaning it's too fucking cold to be that hairless. I don't know, I really don't know... I guess it could be pretty awesome in some ways though... Like I could change eyebrow colour (with makeup, or dye cause those are kept short-haired) whenever I wanted, I could get lace scarves like a sorrow veil and wear on my head, and I think it could look very intense and striking with a sharp and femme goth makeup look. Like Anna Varney! She's a trans woman who is non-transitioning due to her religion, is very depressed, makes beautiful music by singing and is considered somewhat of a goth legend with her band Sopor Aeternus. She wears a very femme, dark clothing style that reminds me of mourning clothing from the 19th century, often has really long nails, she's bald (likely due to male pattern baldness) but sometimes wears a half-wig (that start on the top of the head so shows like a very high forehead) in some elaborate style, or a sorrow veil. She's quite old, I think, (like 60+) and not particularly "pretty" per se, but she has a lot of badass vibes, her style is very beautiful and incredibly artistic. She makes beauty out of her grief. So in that sense I see beauty in the way she looks.

It's often debated if she's really trans or not, but I think the song "Anima II" of hers really confirms that she is. In that song she sings about herself as a woman with really had dysphoria about her male body, and it literally has the lyric line "my true self is female" soooo like how much clearer can it possibly get? Well, she's never said it outright in interviews and seems to be very quiet about her personal life to the paparazzi. But whatever, I guess. Reading her wiki, she's got a pretty interesting, and very sad, story though.

But enough ranting about that musician. I just brought her up cause just IF I'd ever dare to shave my head, she could definitely be a style inspiration for me. Also, head jewellery?! Like a creation of thin chains with small berloques that are meant to be worn on the head. Would also be awesome on a bald head. I think I've got a pretty neat head shape, but not easy to know for sure. I don't think it has any big bumps or dents, at least. Although I know I have a few little brown spots here and there on it, where I've had it partially shaved (like sidecuts) before. Also when I had my head partially shaved in the past, I really liked to just stroke that very, very soft stubble. Like it felt a bit like velvet, and it was soothing to just play with. I'll... hold onto that mental image.

But what really makes me contemplate it is... well, I feel kinda embarrassed by my hair now. Because I still keep holding onto it even though it looks so awful. I mean fuck, I even wore my wig for my id card... cause I couldn't stand the idea of showing my nasty nest of hair on such a picture. I don't know if that's allowed, but no one said anything about it, and nor did I, so it did end up in the pic on the card that I now have. And I think I'd actually feel more comfortable walking around in public bald than I do with the hair I have on my head now. I think that in itself is a pretty compelling reason. And maybe it is just me being a wuss that's keeping me hesitating. Also it would be really fucking nice to not have to deal with hair-brushing, tying it up whenever (I almost always have it tied up at home), getting hair in my eyes and mouth all the god damn time, not having to bother with 300 rounds of conditioning or even buying super expensive conditioners (I'd probably still use some cheap ones for just moisturing my head in the shower with, though).

Yeah, I feel super scared about doing it, but at the same time... I kinda want to? I think it might be freeing. If not else so because of just daring to let go of my stupid hair, like it might be a release from what has essentially become a burden. And because it's something I've been holding onto beyond the point of it being reasonable or even mentally healthy. But I also think it would be very difficult to go through with. I think I'd likely break down and panic soon afterwards, or even in the middle of the process. I wish I'd have a friend or someone who could take over then to finish it, if I'd still be committed to it but just too upset to handle holding the clippers. Cause I think that would trigger a lot of emotions in me. Which is also why I absolutely would NOT want to go to a hair salon for it. Just... no fucking way I'd let myself break down at a hair salon. Although that must be the one kind of haircut that simply no hairdresser even possibly could fuck up. Like, they can't go too short or cut it the wrong way if the intended result would be zero hair left. I mean... unless they'd chop off my ears too, I guess...

But yeah.. of course I'm also aware of that going from back length to no hair would be a very big step. I very much know that. Which is probably also why just thinking about doing this makes me nauseous. I've never been able to hold that thought for more than a few seconds before. But then I always used to love my hair, which I don't anymore. I hate it. It's horrible and it's just a hopeless mess, and its only good use these days is to help keep my wig in place, and keep my head somewhat warm and/or protected from sunlight. But there is wig glue/tape and hats can keep my head warm and/or protected. So if that's the only use my hair has now... it's pretty useless, cause I don't really need it for any of those things.

I think I'll order one or two more wigs first, and try to imagine what being bald could look like on me. Like just wearing my wig cap (which is close to my skin tone in colour) on my hair tied up and really stare into the mirror with that look and see if I could like it. Cause I think that's as close to "looking bald" as I can make myself before actually doing it.

The kind of wigs I really want is one to be in the same (or similar) kind of brown/blonde ombre colours as my real hair is in now, cause I really like that style, but it's difficult to find such a wig. Saw one on Amazon that of course doesn't ship to Sweden... and I don't want to have to bother with contacting some super expensive wig company to have one custom made. Nah. I'd like for it to have bangs so it doesn't need to be lace front, and it also doesn't need to be made of real hair. Some higher quality synthetic hair would be just fine.

For another wig I don't know if I'd want a plain brown (possibly for Anna but also for myself) in either a long-ish or mid-length style... or maybe something in a lighter copper or bronze colour. I dunno, I do have a thing for warm brown and blonde colours on hair nowadays, but I don't want a fully blonde wig. I don't like that look on myself, and I feel kinda proudly brunette these days. But I would like some blonde details to like give it a golden hint. However, brown with blonde highlights is the most boring hair colour style ever. It's been so nagged out, and the entire 90's and 00's ruined it by overdoing it. But if I can't find some nice looking brown/blonde combo wig, I guess I'll just throw my money at a plain brown wig then. Also need to buy more wig tape. And maybe some sorrow veils (but also I'd wear them like backwards, in a non-traditional way, so not over my face, btw, but more like a hood).

And I don't think I'll get enough courage (or stupidity) to do it before I'd get that/those wig/wigs and given it some more thought. Although I must admit a small part of me kinda wants to do it right now. I know I shouldn't though. I need to be a bit more certain about it first, or at least a bit more mentally prepared. And also, have some comforts readily available in case I'd really panic or break down about it. Although just running to bed and lying down wrapped up in my duvet might be a really good "escape route" if my feelings would get way too overwhelming. Also I don't know if I should tell my mother about it first or just shock her with the result afterwards. I don't think she'd be particularly shocked though, more like a bit surprised and possibly confused. I don't really want to talk to her about any aspect of my looks nowadays, and I don't want her opinion on it. At least not before, as that might make me feel more insecure and hesitant about doing it, than I already am.

I'm the kinda person who usually wants as little input from others about my decisions as possible. Because if I don't ask for input or don't get any advice on it, then I can be more sure that the decision is entirely, and genuinely my own choice. And not something I do because of other people's influences. But I also need to vent my thoughts on stuff like this, cause they simply don't fit in my head. And I usually don't mind input from friends or people that I know would speak from what's in my best interest and not just their own ideas of what they think of it in general.

Like I've been vehemently against the look of bald heads for the vast majority of my life, so if someone had asked me back then, if I thought they should shave their head, I would have said "no, don't do it" because of my own personal feelings on it, and not because of me actually caring about what would be the best or most helpful advice for that specific person. I do appreciate the opinions of well-meaning, good friends. Just not those of my non-supportive, naggy parents.

So yeah, I'm not against it anymore, apparently! I kinda always knew that someday I would shave my head, at least as an inkling of a thought. And strangely I always thought it would be badass to do as a woman, but kinda not as a man. Because as a woman it would be really going against societal expectations, and far outside of my own comfort zone, but as a man it would just have been... boring? But I do still get a strong emotional reaction towards it. It's a mix of positive and negative feelings, much of which I've already explained quite well in this entry. That I connect bravery, strength, and badassery as well as a certain kind of beauty towards it on the positive side - but then there are my fears and thoughts of losing comfort and femininity, on the negative side. This is of course only really applicable to baldness on women, and by extent, also on feminine men. Because I'm feminine, and sometimes I look, feel and sound like a man, but it is as a woman that I walk this Earth.

Would I regret it, if I'd do it? Well, I might. But I don't think that would be so bad if I would. It does grow out again, and I could still wear my wig as I already do. It wouldn't change much in practice, except it might make me wanna hide my head when not wearing a wig if I'd regret it. But as it is winter soon, I could quite easily solve that issue by wearing hoods, even indoors, or even get a simple at-home-wig. And then already within a month or two, it would be a buzzcut and no longer bald. But then I might also not regret it, and might even shave it again as it grows out. If I'd like it, I may actually wanna maintain it for a while.

I think it very much is different to be contemplating this decision now, as a woman in my detransition, than if I had done it as a guy before detransing. Cause then I'd very likely have been regretting it now, as I was so happy about that I had long hair as a man, letting me in detransition have long hair as a woman too... for a while. I really needed that, a lot. But maybe I can let go of that now. Looking at my pros and cons... it does seem like it's leaning quite heavily for doing it, as I should not let simply my fears stop me. And there are other comforts to find. Around me, within me and on my body. I don't need to hoard comforts for the sake of hoarding them! However, the timing might not be ideal, considering I already have a bunch of other difficult issues to deal with now. I dunno, I'll sleep on it or something. Not right now but, whenever I'll sleep. And walk around with just my wig cap on my head for a while to "test the look". Well, if I squint real hard in dim light it might almost kinda look like a bald head...

Oh btw, if I'll do it... I won't keep the hair itself as some kind of trophy or memory. I'd just trash it. Cause I have enough nostalgic things in my apartment that is literally just trash. I need to move the fuck on from that sort of hoarding too. I'd still have all the pictures of how I looked with it on my head. That's better than the whole fucking nasty bundle of it in a drawer.

(And about the title of this entry, it comes from the old saying "strength in numbers" but in a sarcastic way, as in, I shouldn't rely my strength on how much or what kind of hairs I have on my head and/or body.)

This year is starting to get kinda intense... in the sense that this year so far is the most fucking intense one of my life so far, and if I'll also face yet another one of my biggest fears: shaving my head, I'm gonna deserve more than just a medal, okay?! Fuck, 2018 is one heck of a roller-coaster... I wonder how much will have changed by the time of New Years Eve. I barely every recognise January-me of this year compared to this October-me. So now I'm really curious what December-me will be like, looking onto the next January-me with bright eyes... and I wonder what I'll be promising the stars for the next coming year. I'm looking forward to it.

The appointment

I hope I can maintain this fast for today and not give in to the temptation to have a sandwich or whatever. But I'm so bored with all the drinks, I want something fun to put in my mouth... ugh, gotta wait until tomorrow. Then I'm gonna eat and cry, take laxatives (I bought more), take anxiolytics, eat some more, cry some more and eventually pass out in my bed. Jolly good times.

I have hair plans. What I'm gonna do with my hair when it's grown out a little bit more. Like after New Years or something. I want to shave both sides of my head so that I'll have like a short mohawk that I'll save out to medium length. That one I want to dye black with a little green in the front. Also when it gets long enough to braid I want to finish making my set of fake dreads and put them in my hair. They're gonna be super long, super thin, single ended transitionals going from black to emerald green. And I'll tie them up like a super long, falling mohawk. Gonna look awesome.

That kept me up half the night, by the way, those hair plans. Then I dreamed about being thin. Woke up sad that I was still fat. I think I've come up with yet a new meal plan for a future. That is to fast every other day and to eat the remaining days. Which would be focus on surviving while eating and focus on weight loss while fasting. I think that would be easier to stick to and I could still be able to get the results that I want. Hopefully...

I've been planning food and exercise constantly for almost 2 months. It's been taking up so much space in my head that I forgot how to live without the numbers. Without constantly thinking about my weight, calories in, calories out, what I want to eat, what I'm gonna eat, what I'm not gonna eat, when I will eat, when I won't eat, when to fast and for how long, how to break a fast, when to exercise, what to do while exercising, how to lessen my appetite and how to control my cravings and the ever so present hunger. Constantly.

It's one hell of an escape mechanism, I can tell you. Because you get so totally absorbed that you can't even function right. I can't focus enough to participate in normal (boring) conversations, do any of my hobbies or interests, eat anything without counting the calories or worrying about the amount of calories in it, take walks or doing anything without thinking about how many calories I might have burned, have a cup of coffee without thinking it can suppress my appetite, and I can't accept free food or sweets if I'm offered any. It hinders me ridiculously much, but I feel safe.

Oh, I had almost forgotten. Today I got an appointment with a doctor at the eating disorder clinic, scheduled for the 11th of November. That's on Tuesday. I won't meet the weight criteria for anorexia at that date, but hopefully I'm gonna be at least underweight. It's just 1 more kg that I have to lose to get to that point, so will hopefully be able to manage that.

I'm so excited and scared and nervous! It's my old doctor, I had no idea that she even works in that department these days. It's almost kind of ironical that I'll get her as my doctor again, isn't it? I wonder what to expect. She'll probably mostly just ask a bunch of questions and ask me to explain my situation to her as well.

Maybe I'll be weighed and measured too, so that she will know my BMI. I wanna wear light clothes, but I don't know which ones that would be. I've gotta try on an outfit and see how much weight it adds. Cause you know, I always weigh myself naked to get the number as accurate as possible. I will be underweight by the time of that meeting, but will I show up as normal weight because of the clothes?

I worry about really superficial things, haha. They might not even weigh me at all, might just ask me and take my word for it. But yeah, I worry about that. Also I worry that my doctor will say that I don't have an eating disorder at all and that it's all just in my head and send me off to a dietitian or something. I'm so worried about not being taken seriously and the only thought that crosses my mind is: what am I gonna wear?

Split in black and white

My mind is never at peace. Am I a humanised demon, or a demonised human? Does it matter? I've always felt a bit like the super heroes who have a darker identity that they sort of switch to at certain points, when something triggers them. I'm not saying I feel like a super hero, rather quite far from it. But it's like I'm two people sometimes, and even though pain and madness drives me to the darker me I like him better.

Hard to say why, cause that me isn't much stronger or wiser or anything really. Just different. Braver, perhaps. More confident, selfish and solitary. The other me is bright, more fun and easy going. Insecure, kinder and more social. Isn't that rather schizo though? I don't know, I haven't really come across this phenomena before. I will do some digging in that area, but I doubt I'll find anything useful though.

I've always been split between black and white, and now I see why. I am both, but not at the same time. It's not like I have alter egos, they're both me. Just that one side enhances the dark and the other enhances the light. But since the darker is only present when triggered, that could be a clue of something. That it is developed, not something I was born with. Doesn't make it any less real though, but I think I've just been through too much damn darkness, like what the fuck is happening to me?!

I'm split in so many ways it's getting hard to keep up with everything. First there's me and my body, an eternal war to be honest. Secondly there's me and Anna, which can also be a war sometimes but mostly we're like siblings. Siamese twins that never got our own separate bodies. I don't morph into her, I don't become her, we're like two different people entirely. And then there's this. Where I see myself as two sides of a coin, one dark and one light. Not as in negative and positive, think more like night and day.

I've been trying to describe this like a gazillion times before, but I think I nailed it now. I'm the dark side of me now, can you tell? Triggered by my past and my worries about K, I just sort of morphed. I don't know how that happens, suddenly I'm just there.

This isn't new, I've just not been able to describe it before. I've tried. I've tried so hard for probably about twelve years or more. How the usual me can change into something else. Most people only see that me, as to why I refer to as the "usual", and I suppose there isn't that much difference between them both.

The difference has increased though. I dress differently depending on which one I am. I wear light colours, like a white shirt and blue jeans if I'm the light me. And vice versa I wear darker colours like a blood red shirt with black pants if I'm the dark me. It affects my mood more lately. I don't think either side is more prone to psychosis, though I'm not sure yet. I'll make a thorough study on that later.

I think this is another defence mechanism. I have so many of those just to able to survive my own life. I don't think my life sucked quite that hard, I mean there are loads of people who have had a much worse life without becoming Schizophrenic or whatever the fuck I am. PTSD drew me to madness, is quite safe to say. I'm not very sane at all, though I might seem that way to other people. I can't help but thinking it's not so strange since my chaos is more or less locked inside my brain. And it just becomes worse.

Or does it? I'm seeing clearer all the time, especially since about a year ago. Damn my vision has expanded more than I could handle. Literally more than I could handle. But what does this mean? Like I suddenly understand exactly why I dyed half my hair black and bleached the other half blonde on and off for so many years before. But everyone just said that I looked like Berny Pålsson so I suppose that's why I stopped having my hair that way eventually, even though the first time I had it was before I had even heard of her. When I first saw a picture of her at 17 it was like looking into a mirror. I was both allured and creeped out.

This also explains why I want all my tattoos and piercings on one half of my body but not the other. It explains why I'm drawn to black and white patterns, why I sometimes do my make up differently on either side of my face and so on. It explains my ambivalence too. Damn, it explains a lot. I'm split in two.

Obsessing and some pictures

It's hard to drink coffee when your hands are shaking. Easy to spill. Just saying. Either I've had too much or too little. Sadly, or something, I think it's too little since this is my second cup today and I've been up since 15:00. Or it could be something else. Like my nerves for example. They get weirder whenever I think of things that are in some way upsetting, exciting or just makes me nervous for no apparent reason.

Took some pictures of my hair again. I'm thinking of making a collage of all the stages in the bleaching process. For documentation, and maybe it could be fun to look back at later in the future. The light in my bathroom sucks, but it's the best place to take pictures during the night. And since 90% of all the time I'm awake is during the dark hours, I don't have else of a choice. With the yellow light it tends to make me look a bit weird on the original pictures. So I do my best to edit them in a simple photo editing program online. Sometimes it's just not enough whatever I do, but it will have to do. Now taking that into consideration, this is basically how I look now:

The left picture gives more justice to the colour. Right, so my "fringe" has broken off a lot and is now hanging annoyingly in my face. It's very damaged right about everywhere so I have to pamper it as much as I can and wait for new and healthy hair to grow out. I keep it in a braid that I redo every day, to protect it. You see how thin the braid is? Yes, that's all what's left of my hair. Then I add conditioner to make it easier to brush and take vitamin supplements especially made for getting healthier hair.

I realise I'm quite a hair nerd, which is kinda fun. I'm not so much for having fake dreads anymore, but more so for different styles and colours. There is no perfect hairstyle for me, the only way I can achieve what is to me perfection is to constantly change it. I'm not saying every style is perfect, rather the opposite and both at the same time. Like a song. No single note is perfect, it is the change that makes it so good. But enough about my damn hair!

Then what should I write about? Hmm... the healing of my chest is going well, I think. The scabs around my nipples are falling off and leave a slightly gooish surface. Don't know if that's good or bad to be perfectly honest. I've regained a little sensation on the left side, so that's a good sign at least. If it gets worse or something I'll contact the district health care centre for a check up. Or I'm going there anyway after three weeks which is the 31st this month, and that's in just four days. So I think it can wait until then I mean. Okay, that's it for now.

Untangle the mess

I dreamt that my chest was healed tonight. Pretty sweet dream. Woke up in pain instead... like too much to handle, kinda pain. So one and a half day without painkillers was what I could muster. Think I'll be taking them anyway, but maybe once a day instead of twice. It doesn't bother me so much if it only hurts when I do something restraining. Then it's rather a good thing, keeps me from doing stuff that might compromise the healing. What does bother me is when it hurts when I'm just sitting still by my computer.

So, just threw in some bleach in my hair. Again. For the tenth and last time. Gonna bleach just down to my my neck and leave the rest of the hair as it is. It's too damaged, I can't do anything with it and it's just wasting good bleach. Then it will just have to be enough, whether it is or isn't. But I'll give the platinum blonde dye a go and see what result that will give me. (Found some in Visby yesterday.)

Then I'm done, unless it gets really screwed up and I'll have to correct it, that is. Which hopefully it won't. I think I know what I'm doing... Also gonna wait to sometime in April or May before I decide how I should cut it, because now it's not a question of if I need to cut it, but rather how, cause it needs to be done. I look like a troll.

There's a hairdresser in Hemse that my mother says is good. So I suppose I'll check it out. But I want to wait until it's warmer outside and preferably until I'm done bleaching and dyeing it as well. Then I'm gonna buy a buttload of silver toners to apply every now and then to keep the yellow streaks in check, if I need to. At least that's the plan so far.

It might not show much on pictures, but I can assure you, it's a mess. Besides, I look forward to getting a new haircut, something that I won't have to spend a fortune on to just keep it from falling off my head. Then maybe I could spend that money on something better, like a gym card or something.

Left to save

I did another round of bleaching just now, for the 9th time and counting... With not so much anticipation I'm looking forward to/dreading the result. Had in more silver toner this time, will see if it had any effect what so ever. And if the lengths have gotten any lighter at all. Don't look too promising now when it's wet, to be honest.

My hair is sort of... not receptive for help anymore and slowly withering to something a bit like spider's web in texture. That super thin, soft and breaks when you breathe on it kind of quality. I highly doubt I'll be able to get it light blonde below shoulder length.

Too bad, I was looking forward to have that long, beautiful, elvish hair in a silvery white colour. Or maybe I could like it shorter? Was a while ago I had that. I'll keep pondering over that. I guess that's just the price of messing with already damaged hair. So what is left to save of it? I don't know, but if I take good care of it, it might make it possible to save more of it.

Though it feels a bit stupid now to have spent a small fortune on hair bleaching products and fixed with it for months and then like "eh, I think I'll cut it all off" if you know what I mean. Though I kinda knew it already from the start, that my hair wouldn't be able to handle all that bleach. But still I sigh, cause I wanted to be wrong.

Getting tired of this

Oh, for crying out loud! They still don't sell the brand of bleach that I want, anywhere in Hemse at all. I'm getting sick of this! Typical small towns, they never have anything, but if they somehow do they run out of stock all the time. Like how hard can it be to fill up that stock every once in a while? I've been waiting a month for that fucking bleach and I'm giving up on it ever showing up in these stores again. It seems I'll have to go to Visby for some sodding hair dye.

Well, at least they had the next best in two different types (cause having two products of the same brand is also too much to expect from them, apparently). In this pace with that bleach I won't be white blonde until Christmas... Luckily I'm going to Stockholm sometime in April (I think it was the 22nd) so I can buy a whole bunch of them then. If they haven't stopped making them altogether, that is.

Cause what do I do then? There's gotta be some stronger bleach, somewhere on the internet perhaps. Well, this will have to do for now. It's still golden/dark-medium blonde now, my hair, after eight rounds of bleaching. I'm gonna do this ninth and also a tenth time, and then I'm gonna dye it in a colder light blonde shade. Then let my hair rest for a while before I go at it again whenever that will be.

I'm starting to get tired of this. It's taken way longer than I thought it would. And my hair is starting to break in all places, and every time I brush it it feels like I've ripped off half of it. To fix that problem I have one of two options: 1.) I cut if off, or 2.) I put it extensions to make it fuller and slightly longer and to hide some of the damage.

The first choice would mean actually having short or medium length hair. But that depends on just how damaged it will end up being once I've finally reached my goal or as close to it as I possibly can. Would I look stupid in short white hair? And I don't mean buzz cut, but an actual styled hair cut made to suit me as good as it could. I don't know, just playing with a thought, I guess.

Care and hair

Another sleepless night. Though I don't get them that often anymore. Maybe once a week. Lied in my bed after waking up from a dream around 4:00 this morning, weighing pros and cons of getting up versus staying in bed. With the score of 3 vs. 4 getting up won.

I had my first dream in which I was post op tonight. In the dream I was lurking around the house where I grew up and met the husband of the family living there now (I have no idea who lives there now, but I think it is a traditional family, or so I've heard). We decided to take a road trip in the area and talk about whatever related to the fact that we had both lived in the same house, and then we totally fucked in his car. And yeah, I was post op in that dream...

It's like whatever "state" I'm in, it is reflected in my nightly dreams with only a few exceptions. Whether I was living as a girl, stopped trying to be a girl, angsty pre-everything transsexual, on hormones and now after top surgery.

Quite a journey, eh? When I look back I think it's nice to see how far I've gotten, you know. Maybe you do the same, cause we all change, even if you don't go through a sex change. It could be positive I mean, to rather see the progress to the better, than to be ashamed of how you've lived your life "wrong" before. Cause maybe it was "right" back then? I mean, maybe that was the only thing close to right you could do with what you had in amounts of time, events, courage, money, age and wisdom. I wasn't ready to transition when I was 16, wasn't ready to take that battle, so I can honestly say that I did what I could about the situation that I was in.

I need to wash my hair, cause it's getting nasty again. Can't decide if I should shower again though, cause that would be hitting the cap of allowed number of showers in a week. I'm way too impatient for my own good. Just let it be, let it heal, let it take the time it needs... Cause there really isn't anything else that I can do. But I just wanna inspect and see how it looks right about every five minutes.

Wanna bleach my hair again. Carefully as hell though, of course. Not a single drop will be anywhere near my chest. I'm always wearing protective clothes and towels to avoid skin contact and to not freeze my ass off meanwhile, so it should work.

But if I'm gonna bleach it today or tomorrow or whenever I find a good product to use, I really have to wash my hair first. But I could do everything in the sink if necessary. It's harder to reach everywhere and half my bathroom becomes flooded though. Maybe I'll decide later on.

Skin tight

I've always believed, but it still surprises me. I do this ritual thingy every day before I go to bed, to make my beard growth increase, beyond what the hormones can do. And now... I think it's actually working. Side effects: more acne, itching and slight skin irritation. I look at my hands for only a moment, trembling. The power in them, it makes the skin feel weird, as if it was the skin itself holding that power.

Only a small part of me can't understand how this can be real, though the most of me has always taken my magic powers for granted. I'm a demon warlock incarnate, what else can be expected? Yet, I'm still surprised. The natural laws here have bound me for so long, that this feels like break through. A small one, but still a break through.

What I would be able to do if this goes the way I want it to. Suddenly, a lot of opportunities open up, and I will be taking on bigger projects in changing the way I look. Not just hair and eyes and skin, but re-shaping my so very hated curves. I don't know if it could be possible, I don't know just how much power I have. It will certainly be worth a try or two though, in the future. I don't wanna get drained, since it's kinda a bad time for that, with the up coming surgery and stuff. Shit, I'm seriously vain...

But will I make people believe in me? Perhaps a little demonstration to prove them wrong? Uh-uh, not gonna happen. I don't even talk about it, I might have just mentioned it briefly at one point or another, but I definitely don't brag or show off. That's not what I want. But if this really will work and have the outcome I plan for it, it will be obvious. 



Oh, and sixth round of bleaching my hair, by the way. Will post pictures later, along with pictures from my fifth round that I did a couple of weeks ago, but never made it to the internet.

Pointless

I bleached my hair in a dream tonight. Wonder what that's supposed to mean. Maybe that I made the right choice in bleaching it for real. I've had recurring dreams where I'm blonde, it's almost like that's the way it's supposed to be somehow.

World of warcraft is having issues again. They're working on that, but I don't know how long it's gonna take. I'm trying not to get hysteric about it, telling myself I can embroider, write or knit instead. That it doesn't have to be so very upsetting. Not that it works though.

Everything seems so very pointless. What am I really doing with my life? Escaping it. I'm trying my hardest to escape from my horrible life without killing myself. Yeah, yeah, things are going well and I don't really want to die. It's just that I don't really want to live either. But embroidering things that I never finish, writing a lot of crap, playing video games without an end or any sort of real achievements... isn't that a bit pointless?

I don't know where I'm getting at, cause apparently I only like to do such "meaningless" things, which means that I actually bring some meaning to them. Nothing is simple though, is it? Cause they aren't totally meaningless, since I enjoy doing them, and by enjoying meaningless things they aren't per definition meaningless anymore.

So if there was a point with this entry, it would be that even though everything seems pointless sometimes, it doesn't have to mean that it is.

Just ranting

I'm hungry almost all of the time, but it doesn't seem to affect my mood. I'm happy, scared, sad or angry depending on the circumstances for quick moments and then it passes. Maybe it's some sort of self control, I dunno.

Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.

Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.

My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.

I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.

Fixing with my hair again

I'm gonna do the second round of bleaching my hair today. Well, technically it's the third, but this time I'm gonna do my whole hair at once. They only had one package of the bleach I'm using (Schwartzkopf L1++) so I had to take one of another kind as well. We'll see how that goes... My plan is to use the stronger bleach on my tips and lengths, and the weaker one higher up. But first I have to wait for my newly washed hair to dry, whenever that will happen... I didn't use any balm so that the bleach will take better.

My mother was kinda surprised when I told her I wanted to bleach all of my hair. I was like yea, what did you think? Blonde roots and black lengths? She said I would look stupid in it, where as I just calmly stated that I though she was wrong. I'm pale and have light eyes, so I could totally pull off light blonde hair, as long as I get the right shade.

The way I want the finished result is very light but not white, ash/silvery but not grey, ivory but less yellow. Something like that. I'm gonna play around with toners and dyes until I find that colour which will match my skin tone and eyes. Still haven't really decided about my eyebrows yet though. Keep it as they are or bleach? They are very dark now and it might look a little weird. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.

Just an update

It's going better in the Pandaria zones now. Perhaps my priest spells are stronger than the druid spells, perhaps having a magix shield is helping as well. Perhaps I'm generally better at playing a priest. I don't know, but it's definitely a relief that it's going smooth now.

I bleached my hair again, up by the roots this time, since I thought I'd skip it the first time around, since I didn't expect such a good result as I got. So now my whole hair has been bleached, but in two rounds. And now I have to wait... There will be a lot of braiding, brushing and balming before I continue abusing my hair. Maybe I should start taking Silica again? Special remedy in the form of pills, that makes hair and nails stronger.

I figured out why I can't save any money for tattoos. I get around eight thousand a month after taxes, and five of those goes to rent. Then it's only three left, which all goes to food and cigarettes. It's not a penny left for anything. Oh, well.

Now I've reached level 87! I honestly didn't think I'd make it tonight. Then to 88 or 89 tomorrow and then to 90 the day after tomorrow. Hopefully things continue to go this smooth. That's enough for today.

Title

Only three hours of sleep tonight... I'm definitely getting sleep deprived, but right now I feel alright. Tired, head and stomach hurts, but my mind is kinda clear and I don't feel so down mood wise.

The internet is so quiet at this early hour, even though it's basically lunch time and people should be chatting, reblogging, uploading, updating and generally annoying. Oh, well.

Yeah, I'm tired and bored. Not tired enough to sleep, not alert enough to be awake. I'm somewhere between being asleep and awake. More or less constantly though. My mind usually so full of thoughts now appears to be empty. Filling it with music and intense levelling in world of warcraft.

Halfway to level 86 now. Is it too big a goal to reach 87 today? Cause in this speed it's absolutely doable, but it gets harder with each quest, each level and each zone. Though the day has just begun, and I'll be at 86 before the sun starts going down, maybe faster.

I slowly drink my breakfast, three hours after I woke up. I still like the taste, haven't gotten bored with them drinks yet. I wanna keep bleaching my hair, but I know that I should let it rest for a while. After at least two washings. Time wise that is somewhere around a week or two.

I'm impatient! I wanna be blonde now! Holding my horses at the best of my ability... Don't wanna ruin my hair too much. Of course it's gonna get even more damaged after each time I bleach it, but I wanna save as much as possible of it.

To brighter times

I think I've decided to go for bleaching my hair to platinum blonde. All of it. Cause having different colours at the same time is too much work to maintain, so there will be no more black. I haven't decided exactly which method I'm gonna use, if I'm gonna bleach it all at once or start at the tips/lengths and work my way up.

Since that will be the hard part, I mean. And I don't wanna walk around with blonde roots, yellow fringe and the rest in dark brown... So getting the lengths to a medium/light brown first, and then do the upper part which will reach a lighter tone much faster. That way it will look more even, or less awful in the process, hopefully.

So, maybe I'll be orange by the summer... My plan is to wait a few weeks between every bleaching, to protect my hair as much as I can. I'll probably have to cut it a little though, but we'll see how it turns out. But time, yeah. I'll have to have a lot of patience.

Decisions decisions...

Ugh, I feel sick, nauseous. Woke up at 1:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep. By then I had slept for 9 hours. I also awoke at around 21:00 and it took a long time to fall asleep then too. Gave up and got up at 2:00. Too many numbers in such few sentences...

I'm listening to INXS while trying to wake up mentally. Maybe I should listen to something more catchy, but urgh I don't want to. Trying to down a diet drink and decide if I'm gonna open a window or not. That even such a simple decision is nagging at me. I'm very indecisive nowadays.

Also I'm thinking about bleaching my hair to a light blonde tone that at least somewhat suits me. Though, my hair is so damaged I'm afraid it would break off. But oh, I really want to have long, blonde, elvish-like hair.

I've never had that before. Well okay, I was blonde with short hair for a short time, some time in spring 2006. But it was a horrible yellowish tone, and my haircut wasn't so nice either.

I didn't know much about hair care and dyeing of it back then. A natural looking blonde colour is the hardest to get when starting out with dark dyed hair. But if I do decide to go for it, it will take a very long time to get there. It would require at least 4 or 5 rounds of bleaching, with at least 2 weeks between every time to let my hair "rest". And then go with silver balm for quite some time to get the right tone. And then also care for my hair extra much with balms and keep it in braids for protection when I'm sleeping and such.

It would be a full-time work, but then I also like fixing with my hair. Oh well, we'll see what I decide for.

Hair

Well okay, it was like a disaster falling asleep and waking up, but I just now remember having nightmares too. In my dream my hair was falling off and I was left with tangled wisps which made me devastated! I seem to be a bit extra vain about my hair these days. Probably because it's getting longer and therefor needs more care. Also that the longer it gets, the more I like my hair. I'm like this ancient god or whatever who’s power was in their hair. It sort of feels a bit like that! The more satisfied I am with my hair, the more satisfied I am with myself, and it isn't so stupid thinking there lies a little power in that, is it? It's finally grown to the minimum length of my requirements, an inch underneath my nipples. It's practical in case I’d be caught bare chested. Silly really, cause that hasn't happened since upper school and I doubt it ever will happen again. I wonder how my hair will look on a flat chest... Anyways, I guess you can understand why that dream I had was a nightmare.

I’ve always had this irrational fear, since I was a kid, that someone would cut my hair when I’m asleep. Mostly at that time it was my sister's intentions I feared. I heard from a classmate at school that happened to, and ever since I’ve had that fear. When I listened to Lady Gaga's song “Hair” that memory came back to me. In it she sings that she feared that her mother would cut her hair at night. She probably had a more reasonable cause than I did, but still.

While we are on the topic of hair, that is sort of my indicator the testosterone I’m taking actually has some effect on me. That and my body odour. My thighs in particular are getting quite fussy, which is really neat, it makes them look less ugly, and I sort of think it gives them a little shading and could give the impression that they're less fat. I also suspect that testosterone has caused some fat redistribution, since I can now wear my leather pants which I couldn't a few weeks ago, even thought I’m on the same weight then as I am right now, 71 kg as of yesterday. I’m still amazed the battery in my scale is still working. It's been around since I bought the scale in autumn 2010, three fucking years! I’m starting to suspect that battery has been effected by some sort of sorcery which gave it eternal life or something! And I would be even more amazed if it suddenly would die.

Written in blood

I've listened to “The wrong side” by Abney Park 93 times continuously now. For 301 minutes, or 5 hours. Feeling a little single-tracked today. I just got a quirky idea! White hair is so hard to achieve, especially when trying to bleach dark brown hair that's been dyed black a thousand times. So I was just thing, maybe I could bleach the shaved off hair in my side cut when it's starting to grow out. Cause if I don't like it, I can just dye it again or shave it off. I'll keep that in mind.

I'm self harming more and more every day. More often, deeper and several cuts. It takes more harm to get me that rush of adrenaline and endorphins, and the effect doesn't last that long. Like an anti-anxiety drug that wears off after just a few minutes. Totally worthless, I know... it's just that I'm addicted to pain and blood, which pills won't get me. I just can't resist it, the urges attack me violently and I crave it like an addict crave their drug. I am an addict, and that was definitely proved when I realised I can switch between cutting and drinking, almost as easy as I can switch between being top or bottom sexually. My sadness is written in blood.

Sometimes when I burn myself with cigarettes I'm not satisfied with the result. So I put out another cigarette on the same spot, and then another and another. When I'm close to passing out I stop. Mission accomplished.

My future surgeon asked me if I had any cuts on my body during my consultation, and I truthfully said no, cause I hadn't cut or burnt myself in over a month. I suppose that won't be truth anymore when I see him again...

I don't know which is worse: people who tell me I'm seeking attention by cutting myself (I only show my scars/wounds to people I trust and or am comfortable around), or people who tell me I should cut deeper (I mean, really!?)