The way it is

I realise that the way I sit, considered masculine or feminine, has more to do with my state of mind at the moment than just what is most comfortable. Some days I feel more together and safe, and then I spread out in more relaxed poses. Other days I feel more broken and in distress, and then I sit more curled up. Like I have to hold myself together so that my body parts won't fall off. Another delusion, perhaps? Cause I really believe that could happen. Though I don't know whether that is a weird belief or not.

Maybe that is saying a lot about my androgyny as well, and non conformity to society. Like, the way I sit, stand, talk, act, behave or whatever says more "fuck it, I do what the fuck I want no matter what you think about it". Cause honestly, does it really have to matter that much?

But of course there is some ambivalence in that as well, as with most things about me. Cause at the same time I'm terribly nervous and worried about being read wrong. Especially if I'm not dressed up, but even then I'm uncertain. Mostly about the way I walk, and the way my ass look. By mentioning that, I might attract the attention that way, but don't matter.

One of the most best things about living here on Gotland is that no one here knows about my background. Except for my doctors and shrinks, family members, my uncle and his girlfriend who sometimes visit, that is. So I have become a lot more stealth than I appear to be here on my blog. Because it's different, you know. How open I am online and in real life outside the internet world.

That is what I go with. IRL I'm stealth, haven't told anyone on this entire island. Though I've been close a few times, but then came to my senses and reasoned: why do they have to know, are we gonna have sex? No, I don't think so.

So people can think that I'm weird and totally aloof, hard to peg or whatever. But then I firmly tell them I'm a guy, without a doubt, and that's all they have to know. The rest is just none of their business however curious or open minded they might be. I'm my own kinda guy.