Breaking down

Okay, this mood of mine is making me wanna sink through the floor. What the hell am I supposed to do? And why the hell can't I wait with breaking down until I can see my shrink? I don't even know where to begin. With depression and suicidal thoughts could be a start, and then try to explain why. This time I don't have to plan my method of dying anyways, but I try my best not to perfect the plan.

For so long now I've been holding back my emotions, suffocating what's been suffocating me. But it always wins sooner or later. But I've held on this long, so why can't I keep holding on a little longer? Because sooner or later broken things patched together will fall apart again and again until they can no longer be repaired.

All I've been doing is waiting for this to happen. Unrequited love this strong is only destructive, and too heavy for my heart and soul to carry. I've been waiting for the scale to tip, cause as soon as I fell for him, I knew this was gonna happen. It was just a matter of time. Honestly, I thought it was gonna happen a lot sooner.

But a part of me still can't see me dying before I'm 27. My deceiving perfect age. Too high to be perfect? Well, the higher the better, because it's only two more years. It's only two more years. So will I try to keep holding on at least until then? Yes, I whisper yes, because right now I honestly don't think I will last that long. I've always known that I won't reach 30. Always. And it has always felt real to me. As real as the winter nights are dark, as real as snow falls white.