I see him everywhere. In pictures, and in real life. I know it isn't him, but my mind somehow interprets it that way. It's not like I think he looks like everyone or that everyone look like him. Cause that's really not the case. It's more like I just want it to be him. That it would be him walking past me on the street in Hemse, that he would somehow be here, close to me. If only to just say hi or even just a quick wave.
I need him so damn much, but he doesn't need me. I crave, long, ache for him. I'm trying to find substitutes but nothing works. Like holding ice can be a substitute for self harm but it doesn't quite cut it, you know what I mean? Yes, pun intended.
I'm so terribly lonely and sad. Wishing I could shift back to the light me again, but I'm coping better this way. And like this I don't have to "fear" shifting again. Cause it's better to shift from dark to light than the other way around, for some reason. I wouldn't say either is more positive or negative, but I like the lighter half better. It's because the dark half is triggered, the light isn't. I shift back when I'm ready or something and then shift to dark again when triggered by something bad. Apparently either state lasts about a few days.
My distractions aren't working today. And writing like this is hardly a distraction at all, rather the opposite. I play a lot of WoW, but I don't really want to. It doesn't help or anything. Just passing time cause I can't think of anything better to do. Putting cloth heirlooms on a balance druid. Well, intellect is good and I level faster. Who cares that I might come off as the noob I am? I don't have leather heirlooms yet.
I write so much and can't decide what I want to share or not. Most of it I don't want to share. A lot of rantings about K mostly. My worries and fears. I'm gonna try to go to sleep soon. Enough waiting for today. Yeah, I'm waiting every day now, for him. I'm restless and upset, something is ripping and tearing inside me. Not so fun going to sleep like this, but it's 3:47 and I can't stay up waiting for something that won't happen.
Showing posts with label world of warcraft. Show all posts
Showing posts with label world of warcraft. Show all posts
Sunday, 18 May 2014
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Feeling a bit better again
Already up at 9:44 and feeling better than yesterday. As long as I don't think about it too deeply. I'm glad I could go to sleep even though I felt like crap. Sometimes sleep is the best solution, even if it isn't the answer.
So what am I gonna do today? Except the obvious like playing WoW and keeping myself updated online constantly. I need to go shopping in the shopping centre. Slightly more to north though. For all the things I need. Gonna have to wait until after my next "pay check" before I go hunting for buttons again though. It's just 9 days until then. I'm starting to get broke. I've online shopped for 700 kr and my mother has given me things that I'll have to pay a bit for myself too. I'm smoking more than usually which tends to get more expensive than I think it does. It's so damn expensive to smoke and I spend around 2.000 kr every month on cigarettes.
On the other hand I probably only spend a few hundred on food each month, instead of the one or two thousand most people spend on such stuff. Around 10-15 kr a day would be a rough estimation, counting in that some days I don't eat at all. But enough about economy.
For the first time in over a month I didn't wash my face yesterday before I went to bed. Well, technically it was this morning, but let's not get technical. I thought to myself that "what difference does it make anyway, my face looks just a horrible as it did before I started caring for it".
Gotta find another way, cause apparently the salicylic acid doesn't work on my acne. There is another kind of formula said to work too, but I can't recall what it was called. Well, easy to find the source in which I found out about it through some swift googling.
Even skipped my daily walk yesterday. I wanted a day off from everything including that. Now I'm so out of everything on my shopping list and I feel bad for missing that walk. Gonna go to the gym tomorrow again which makes it my fourth time there.
Now I'm gonna see if my character is still alive and well in WoW. Officially exalted with all the quest hub factions in Pandaria now and since long maxed all four of the primary professions including all six ways of cooking. That was shit ass hard to achieve and took me almost a month. I've maxed out the two secondary professions mining and jewelcrafting which also took me a very long time. All of this has taken over five months since I hit level 90 sometime in January.
I'm running out of things to do, so I keep making the extremily expensive panther mounts. Next up is the black one, which is the most expensive of them all because it requires me to make the other four panthers as material for it. Around a hundred thousand gold, that is. Don't know if I'll make the yellow and green one separately, I'm not so fond of those colours to be honest. I now have the blue and the red ones. Yes, I finally made the red one.
Worked on making the blue one super intensively and it took two weeks. Didn't restrain myself much at all making the red one, which took me two months. So if I'm gonna go for the black one without restraining myself it would take (wait for it...) 8 months. That's insane. It would mean I wouldn't be able to finish it until January next year.
Good luck gold farming... if only I could think of a faster way to earn gold, but I can't, except from farming shitloads of ghost iron ores to sell and questing intensively at all Pandaria quest hubs I can find. Without making too much effort I gain around a thousand gold in one day or less, and if I work my ass off for it, I can get up to four thousand in one day. Then I'll have something to do with my main character from here on. Be right on to that now...
So what am I gonna do today? Except the obvious like playing WoW and keeping myself updated online constantly. I need to go shopping in the shopping centre. Slightly more to north though. For all the things I need. Gonna have to wait until after my next "pay check" before I go hunting for buttons again though. It's just 9 days until then. I'm starting to get broke. I've online shopped for 700 kr and my mother has given me things that I'll have to pay a bit for myself too. I'm smoking more than usually which tends to get more expensive than I think it does. It's so damn expensive to smoke and I spend around 2.000 kr every month on cigarettes.
On the other hand I probably only spend a few hundred on food each month, instead of the one or two thousand most people spend on such stuff. Around 10-15 kr a day would be a rough estimation, counting in that some days I don't eat at all. But enough about economy.
For the first time in over a month I didn't wash my face yesterday before I went to bed. Well, technically it was this morning, but let's not get technical. I thought to myself that "what difference does it make anyway, my face looks just a horrible as it did before I started caring for it".
Gotta find another way, cause apparently the salicylic acid doesn't work on my acne. There is another kind of formula said to work too, but I can't recall what it was called. Well, easy to find the source in which I found out about it through some swift googling.
Even skipped my daily walk yesterday. I wanted a day off from everything including that. Now I'm so out of everything on my shopping list and I feel bad for missing that walk. Gonna go to the gym tomorrow again which makes it my fourth time there.
Now I'm gonna see if my character is still alive and well in WoW. Officially exalted with all the quest hub factions in Pandaria now and since long maxed all four of the primary professions including all six ways of cooking. That was shit ass hard to achieve and took me almost a month. I've maxed out the two secondary professions mining and jewelcrafting which also took me a very long time. All of this has taken over five months since I hit level 90 sometime in January.
I'm running out of things to do, so I keep making the extremily expensive panther mounts. Next up is the black one, which is the most expensive of them all because it requires me to make the other four panthers as material for it. Around a hundred thousand gold, that is. Don't know if I'll make the yellow and green one separately, I'm not so fond of those colours to be honest. I now have the blue and the red ones. Yes, I finally made the red one.
Worked on making the blue one super intensively and it took two weeks. Didn't restrain myself much at all making the red one, which took me two months. So if I'm gonna go for the black one without restraining myself it would take (wait for it...) 8 months. That's insane. It would mean I wouldn't be able to finish it until January next year.
Good luck gold farming... if only I could think of a faster way to earn gold, but I can't, except from farming shitloads of ghost iron ores to sell and questing intensively at all Pandaria quest hubs I can find. Without making too much effort I gain around a thousand gold in one day or less, and if I work my ass off for it, I can get up to four thousand in one day. Then I'll have something to do with my main character from here on. Be right on to that now...
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Safe
I didn't tell my mother that I had my first shower post op, or that I almost fainted at the look of myself as the words "what have I done?" popped up in my head. I still don't regret anything, but it was quite a powerful feeling, whatever it was that I felt. Other times I think "why do I have to do something like this to be able to not hate my body?" and that it fucking sucks being transsexual. Fucking sucks.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamí and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
I don't know why, but I feel a bit weird today. Maybe it's because I couldn't keep being smoke free anymore, that I fell back. I had one cigarette yesterday and I had another one today. But is one smoke a day really that bad? I don't know, but it doesn't seem to be the real reason as to why I feel weird.
Another theory I have is that it's getting harder to focus on world of warcraft and the game world. I space out and get tired of doing what I've been doing every day for two months now. I log onto Izanamí and do a run for that belt I want to complete my Arcanist Regalia outfit, head off to my farm to plant some new vegetable, do some daily quests and then I get bored. But that's not it either.
I'm still in love, by the way. It's just that I've had other things on my mind lately, with the surgery and all. I still think of him though, but I've find some sort of... I don't know, but it's like I feel safer, more grounded in this one sided non-relationship somehow. As long as things don't change for the worse I feel it's fairly easy to focus on other things instead. Like I put my feelings for him in a special place in my heart and they can stay there without me worrying so much all the time.
Now, if I could just figure out why I feel so weird... oh, it's because I am weird, isn't it? Well, that solves the mystery.
Friday, 21 February 2014
Constant worry
I should be worrying about the right thing, but my brain just sort of picks its choice without my consent. I think that if I really have to worry about something, it should at least be something worth worrying about. I really should do something about that worry, before this anxiety just gets worse and worse. I know that when my stomach hurts and I start rocking myself on a daily basis, it's not a good thing.
Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.
This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.
Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.
The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.
Aside from that, there hasn't been much change these last few days. I've started on a new embroidery project again, which I thought was gonna be rather big considering the sketch I drew on a A3 sized paper, but when I calculated it the final result will barely be a quarter of that size. I need to buy more sewing thread in green, pink, grey and blue. I use a lot of shading effects with colours close to each other and blending them to create even closer shades. So when light grey combined with white is too dark, I have to get an even lighter shade of grey.
This is why I keep using normal sewing thread, cause then I have a lot more colours to choose from, than I would if I had used that special kind of embroidery yarn. For the piece I'm working on right now I use: four shades of beige for the skin tone, two green for the eyes, three grey/white for the hair and three red/pink for the lips. Altogether that is twelve different shades for a 10x20 cm artwork.
Overdoing it? Nah, I need to keep it interesting to not get bored by filling in large areas of the same colour. What else do I do? Well, yeah I'm still playing WoW, but not as much as before. I've probably gone from 12 hours a day to around 7 hours. Tried/trying to get highest possible reputation with all horde basic factions, but the blood elves "Silvermoon City" is just a damn pain in the ass, to be perfectly honest. I'm stuck halfway from revered to exalted, and there are no more quests to do. My only option is doing dungeons wearing their tabard.
The thing is that the higher level my character gets, the harder it is for me to do dungeons. At level 15-20 it's easy, I know the map and it's all pretty basic. I can do that with mild to moderate anxiety. Up at around levels 30 through 40 it's getting harder, more confusing and beyond the basics. I can do that with moderate to bad anxiety. Beyond level 60 it's hard, very confusing, I feel embarrassed, guilty, like I'm doing everything wrong and now we're talking really severe anxiety. IT'S JUST A GAME. Well, life is a game too.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Following the pattern
So I figured out that "three days of misery" -cycle yesterday? Anxiety, sadness, anger and then it starts over again. So yesterday was day four with anxiety again, and today... wait for it... I'm riddled with sadness. So I'm "looking forward" to get anger tomorrow then. Seems very repetitive, can't I get something new instead? Oh, have to be careful what I wish for, cause it might just come true.
It's heavy, this sadness. As if there was a weight on me, a pressure of some sort. I don't know why I feel so sad though. If it's the music I listen to, the memories that haunt me, the weather outside my window, or the mess of things occupying this room. Everything I think of becomes sad in a way, I see the gloom in everything.
Starving is like sliding down a hill. It tears you up and wears you out. No... I do try.
Ok, how the hell does one lose a pack of eggs? I hereby resign from life. Seriously, I bought them yesterday, but I've somehow lost them completely. I don't care, I won't look for them, I won't do anything that involves eggs or any other household thing. Just gonna do the only thing I'm good at: sit on my ass and feel like shit.
Yeah, I'm just having a bad day... week... month... year... life. Seriously, this sucks. It's like I'm lost in a darkness somewhere and no matter how much light I bring I still can't see anything. Maybe that means that I'm blind. Figuratively, I think that I am blind, cause I can only see darkness.
I may not have a main character in WoW, but I think that Izanamí is my favourite character. Maybe that counts, and also that I still can't stop playing with him. I log in every day, and I always start with doing quests as Izanamí. I think I'll call him my main. He kinda deserves it.
Soundtrack: "I want it all" by Queen.
It's heavy, this sadness. As if there was a weight on me, a pressure of some sort. I don't know why I feel so sad though. If it's the music I listen to, the memories that haunt me, the weather outside my window, or the mess of things occupying this room. Everything I think of becomes sad in a way, I see the gloom in everything.
Starving is like sliding down a hill. It tears you up and wears you out. No... I do try.
Ok, how the hell does one lose a pack of eggs? I hereby resign from life. Seriously, I bought them yesterday, but I've somehow lost them completely. I don't care, I won't look for them, I won't do anything that involves eggs or any other household thing. Just gonna do the only thing I'm good at: sit on my ass and feel like shit.
Yeah, I'm just having a bad day... week... month... year... life. Seriously, this sucks. It's like I'm lost in a darkness somewhere and no matter how much light I bring I still can't see anything. Maybe that means that I'm blind. Figuratively, I think that I am blind, cause I can only see darkness.
I may not have a main character in WoW, but I think that Izanamí is my favourite character. Maybe that counts, and also that I still can't stop playing with him. I log in every day, and I always start with doing quests as Izanamí. I think I'll call him my main. He kinda deserves it.
Soundtrack: "I want it all" by Queen.
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
But love isn't fair
It's only two days left now, and the anxiety is holding a firm grip around my throat, suffocating me. It's the "Love is in the air" thing in world of warcraft now, and all the pink hearts popping up everywhere make me feel sick. Was it always like this? I don't remember.
This just struck me, what am I gonna do without the cigarettes this time? How can I endure this without the sweet smoke? Blood, alcohol, anxiolytic drugs, chocolate, blankets and warm showers, movies, more video gaming and whatever I can think of. Whatever I can think of...
I just got a phone call, and the person on the other end said they were calling from "Socialstyrelsen" and my heart missed a beat or two. I snapped at them and didn't know what I was feeling. But after they had explained who they were, I was like "oh... it's you" suddenly feeling utterly embarrassed and unnecessarily evil. Or something. It's just the LSS people, no worries at all.
I'm a bit jumpy and freaked allover today. Hardly know what I'm doing and I think I forgot to eat too. My head is spinning and I'm trying to calm down, but it's not easy. A thousand things run through it and I can't keep up. Maybe I shouldn't even try.
At first I thought this might not go so bad at all, considering I seem to take it better every year, but then this about the cigarettes. I'm in abstinence and quite a mess mentally. This... hopefully I don't go and do something stupid that I will regret after. It's just a memory, why do I let it kill me?
I miss my blood elf priest. Gonna go and do some pointless quests now. I know I don't write here that often nowadays, but trust me I do write, I just don't post it. Well, until now that is. The title, I just thought "love is in the air, but love isn't fair". No other reason, or whatever.
This just struck me, what am I gonna do without the cigarettes this time? How can I endure this without the sweet smoke? Blood, alcohol, anxiolytic drugs, chocolate, blankets and warm showers, movies, more video gaming and whatever I can think of. Whatever I can think of...
I just got a phone call, and the person on the other end said they were calling from "Socialstyrelsen" and my heart missed a beat or two. I snapped at them and didn't know what I was feeling. But after they had explained who they were, I was like "oh... it's you" suddenly feeling utterly embarrassed and unnecessarily evil. Or something. It's just the LSS people, no worries at all.
I'm a bit jumpy and freaked allover today. Hardly know what I'm doing and I think I forgot to eat too. My head is spinning and I'm trying to calm down, but it's not easy. A thousand things run through it and I can't keep up. Maybe I shouldn't even try.
At first I thought this might not go so bad at all, considering I seem to take it better every year, but then this about the cigarettes. I'm in abstinence and quite a mess mentally. This... hopefully I don't go and do something stupid that I will regret after. It's just a memory, why do I let it kill me?
I miss my blood elf priest. Gonna go and do some pointless quests now. I know I don't write here that often nowadays, but trust me I do write, I just don't post it. Well, until now that is. The title, I just thought "love is in the air, but love isn't fair". No other reason, or whatever.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
The waiting is over, soon
Still spending most of my time living in Azeroth, (my second home, haha) and today I finally reached revered reputation with the faction "The Order of the Cloud Serpent" and purchased the recipe for the Sapphire Panther for 150 gold. So now it's just the fun things left... farming for gold and materials. Maybe I'll head off to Northrend for a little while, and continue to make gems to sell at the auction house.
I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.
I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.
I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.
I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.
Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.
I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.
I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.
There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.
I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.
I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.
I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.
I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.
Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.
I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.
I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.
There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Poison
I just write and nothing good comes out of it today. Write, write, write until my fingers hurt. Some of it I could probably post, but it's profoundly negative and depressive so I think I'll skip that. Mostly cause I don't wanna read it through and once again get those thoughts into my head.
Still playing a lot of WoW as well. Finally got up fishing and the ability to track fish so that I could complete a few daily quests. And got cooking up to 600 as well. Yet another few daily's completed. I now have a baby dragon serpent to care for in the Pandaria zones. It's so adorable and I can play catch with it and feed it honey. Which I will do every day for a while. Maybe some new quests will come up as well, we'll see.
Still also questing in Vashj'ir on the side, and also levelling up Archaeology, which I'm at 246 for the moment. It's kinda tedious though, and not very rewarding. Though I got a cute little skeleton raptor pet. It's following me around everywhere now, a little company. Woah, that really makes me seem lonely...
The thing is, even when I come up with a good piece of text to post, I rarely finish writing it until it starts crawling in my skin and I have to go back to WoW again.
The thought about death has been poisoning my mind since around mid afternoon. Not actually about suicide, but death and dying in general. What happens when you die, to you and those you leave behind. The consequences. What do I really know about death?
And my own death... I don't wanna think about that, but yet I do. I always come to that when thoughts about my future come up. Cause death is all I see, with sickness and sadness and madness. Those dark thoughts like a veil of shadow over my eyes and everything that was bright turns dark. I wonder why I continuously make myself feel bad.
Those dark thoughts are like a train. Forceful, loud and hard to stop. Not impossible, but yeah, hard to stop. They seem to live their own lives, a natural force by itself, taking over me, forcing me to their bidding. I try not to think about it, I really do. Yeah, this is me trying that... better post this before it gets too long.
Still playing a lot of WoW as well. Finally got up fishing and the ability to track fish so that I could complete a few daily quests. And got cooking up to 600 as well. Yet another few daily's completed. I now have a baby dragon serpent to care for in the Pandaria zones. It's so adorable and I can play catch with it and feed it honey. Which I will do every day for a while. Maybe some new quests will come up as well, we'll see.
Still also questing in Vashj'ir on the side, and also levelling up Archaeology, which I'm at 246 for the moment. It's kinda tedious though, and not very rewarding. Though I got a cute little skeleton raptor pet. It's following me around everywhere now, a little company. Woah, that really makes me seem lonely...
The thing is, even when I come up with a good piece of text to post, I rarely finish writing it until it starts crawling in my skin and I have to go back to WoW again.
The thought about death has been poisoning my mind since around mid afternoon. Not actually about suicide, but death and dying in general. What happens when you die, to you and those you leave behind. The consequences. What do I really know about death?
And my own death... I don't wanna think about that, but yet I do. I always come to that when thoughts about my future come up. Cause death is all I see, with sickness and sadness and madness. Those dark thoughts like a veil of shadow over my eyes and everything that was bright turns dark. I wonder why I continuously make myself feel bad.
Those dark thoughts are like a train. Forceful, loud and hard to stop. Not impossible, but yeah, hard to stop. They seem to live their own lives, a natural force by itself, taking over me, forcing me to their bidding. I try not to think about it, I really do. Yeah, this is me trying that... better post this before it gets too long.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Even in dreams
In a dream tonight I accidentally set my bed on fire, my favourite pillow all ruined, my favourite stuffed animal burn damaged. My father was so angry with me, cause I had left some tea lights (small candles) by the bed. I checked everything so that it wouldn't be any such accidents! Why was he so mad at me? I checked it, I can swear that I checked that there were no damn candles...
Some dreams give me so strong feelings that I can't let go of them after I wake up. I still ask myself, why was my father so mad at me? Why didn't I see the candles? This dream was riddled with shame, anger and fear.
Moving on to another dream. I play a lot of WoW, and apparently my subconscious mind acknowledges that. Cause apparently I recalled the human's race leader Varian Wrynn's name and exact looks in a dream tonight. I don't even play as a human, though he looks kinda cool with that scar across his face and all. You know I love scars.
I don't see the point in playing as a human in WoW, when you can pretend to be a dwarf, a troll, a blood elf and so on. I already pretend to be a human every day in real life. And I don't want that burden in my favourite game.
I read on a web page some time ago, someone describing which race to pick for a priest. They had written that most people play as human, because most people are human in real life. *Most* people, not everyone, they stated. I can't even describe that feeling, being recognised as possibly not human, someone realising that not all people are in fact humans! The wow feeling! (Pun intended).
Lately I've been thinking about cosplay, that it would be awsome dressing up and competing as a goblin priest. Though, I suppose I should be a specific goblin in the game. Like trade prince Gallywix or something. I dunno. I don't even know how I could proceed with that thought.
That troll rogue is back in Orgrimmar! At level 82 this time. Still wearing the starter gear, just standing there. My mind starts wandering again, wondering what's up with that player. Though I don't know if I should ask them.
Some dreams give me so strong feelings that I can't let go of them after I wake up. I still ask myself, why was my father so mad at me? Why didn't I see the candles? This dream was riddled with shame, anger and fear.
Moving on to another dream. I play a lot of WoW, and apparently my subconscious mind acknowledges that. Cause apparently I recalled the human's race leader Varian Wrynn's name and exact looks in a dream tonight. I don't even play as a human, though he looks kinda cool with that scar across his face and all. You know I love scars.
I don't see the point in playing as a human in WoW, when you can pretend to be a dwarf, a troll, a blood elf and so on. I already pretend to be a human every day in real life. And I don't want that burden in my favourite game.
I read on a web page some time ago, someone describing which race to pick for a priest. They had written that most people play as human, because most people are human in real life. *Most* people, not everyone, they stated. I can't even describe that feeling, being recognised as possibly not human, someone realising that not all people are in fact humans! The wow feeling! (Pun intended).
Lately I've been thinking about cosplay, that it would be awsome dressing up and competing as a goblin priest. Though, I suppose I should be a specific goblin in the game. Like trade prince Gallywix or something. I dunno. I don't even know how I could proceed with that thought.
That troll rogue is back in Orgrimmar! At level 82 this time. Still wearing the starter gear, just standing there. My mind starts wandering again, wondering what's up with that player. Though I don't know if I should ask them.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Just ranting
I'm hungry almost all of the time, but it doesn't seem to affect my mood. I'm happy, scared, sad or angry depending on the circumstances for quick moments and then it passes. Maybe it's some sort of self control, I dunno.
Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.
Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.
My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.
I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.
Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.
Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.
My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.
I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
From one obsession to another
I'm having fun in WoW again. Letting out sounds like "yay" "yes" "oooh nice", smiling and laughing to myself. Damn, I love it when I have something to smile about. I treasure every single one of those moments. Anyway, I got jewelcrafting from 498 to 587 in an hour. Only 13 points left! Not bad, not bad at all! Way beyond expectation.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
Weekly maintenance
Oh fuck, it's Wednesday. What do I hate about Wednesdays? World of warcraft is under its weekly maintenance. Shut down until 11 o'clock. Instead I try to listen to "The Hobbit" on audio book. But writing one thing and listening to another isn't easy. Not impossible, as you can probably tell, but sure not easy.
I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.
It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.
I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.
Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.
When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.
I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.
I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.
Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.
30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.
I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.
I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.
Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.
I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.
It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.
I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.
Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.
When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.
I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.
I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.
Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.
30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.
I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.
I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.
Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Lucid dreams
I've been lucid dreaming tonight. In the dream I crossed paths with a certain Matthew Grey Gubler, the actor who plays doctor Reid in Criminal Minds. It was the actor that I met, but he was also the character. In the dream I knew him, we were colleagues in the BAU once, but I had quit for personal reasons.
We talked in English to each other, and I correctly remembered his name as well. My sister was very fond of him and jealous of me cause we were friends. I tried my best to be close to him without coming off as a creep, and hold my sister away from him, to give him some space. I don't really know exactly why I decided to follow him around, I guess I just found him interesting, and it was fun speaking English.
I remember telling him that I was sort of studying behavioural science on my own, and that I wanted to get back into the BAU someday. I knew I'm not exactly studying that, but yeah I'm really into behavioural science. I stuck to dreaming about that, thought I might learn something, or I don't know.
It was so long ago I had lucid dreams, and I definitely didn't think I'd be able to do it without having to actually work for it, or how to say it. That usually takes time and practice. Oh well, it was a nice experience anyhow. Think maybe I'll be able to do it again next night? I sure hope so!
Now I'm gonna go earn some gold in WoW and at the same time complete some Loremaster achievements.
We talked in English to each other, and I correctly remembered his name as well. My sister was very fond of him and jealous of me cause we were friends. I tried my best to be close to him without coming off as a creep, and hold my sister away from him, to give him some space. I don't really know exactly why I decided to follow him around, I guess I just found him interesting, and it was fun speaking English.
I remember telling him that I was sort of studying behavioural science on my own, and that I wanted to get back into the BAU someday. I knew I'm not exactly studying that, but yeah I'm really into behavioural science. I stuck to dreaming about that, thought I might learn something, or I don't know.
It was so long ago I had lucid dreams, and I definitely didn't think I'd be able to do it without having to actually work for it, or how to say it. That usually takes time and practice. Oh well, it was a nice experience anyhow. Think maybe I'll be able to do it again next night? I sure hope so!
Now I'm gonna go earn some gold in WoW and at the same time complete some Loremaster achievements.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Crazy stuff
Haha, I just read on Wikipedia that "obsessive love" is considered a mental illness. Oh well, that just makes one more ingredient in the pot, now doesn't it? It also said that it's not real love, just an obsession. Bullshit! It starts with love the way true love is, and then develops into an obsession. You don't just start obsessing about someone for no reason! Besides, no one can tell what someone else is feeling is love or not. Only the heart knows such a thing.
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Just an update
It's going better in the Pandaria zones now. Perhaps my priest spells are stronger than the druid spells, perhaps having a magix shield is helping as well. Perhaps I'm generally better at playing a priest. I don't know, but it's definitely a relief that it's going smooth now.
I bleached my hair again, up by the roots this time, since I thought I'd skip it the first time around, since I didn't expect such a good result as I got. So now my whole hair has been bleached, but in two rounds. And now I have to wait... There will be a lot of braiding, brushing and balming before I continue abusing my hair. Maybe I should start taking Silica again? Special remedy in the form of pills, that makes hair and nails stronger.
I figured out why I can't save any money for tattoos. I get around eight thousand a month after taxes, and five of those goes to rent. Then it's only three left, which all goes to food and cigarettes. It's not a penny left for anything. Oh, well.
Now I've reached level 87! I honestly didn't think I'd make it tonight. Then to 88 or 89 tomorrow and then to 90 the day after tomorrow. Hopefully things continue to go this smooth. That's enough for today.
I bleached my hair again, up by the roots this time, since I thought I'd skip it the first time around, since I didn't expect such a good result as I got. So now my whole hair has been bleached, but in two rounds. And now I have to wait... There will be a lot of braiding, brushing and balming before I continue abusing my hair. Maybe I should start taking Silica again? Special remedy in the form of pills, that makes hair and nails stronger.
I figured out why I can't save any money for tattoos. I get around eight thousand a month after taxes, and five of those goes to rent. Then it's only three left, which all goes to food and cigarettes. It's not a penny left for anything. Oh, well.
Now I've reached level 87! I honestly didn't think I'd make it tonight. Then to 88 or 89 tomorrow and then to 90 the day after tomorrow. Hopefully things continue to go this smooth. That's enough for today.
Friday, 17 January 2014
Title
Only three hours of sleep tonight... I'm definitely getting sleep deprived, but right now I feel alright. Tired, head and stomach hurts, but my mind is kinda clear and I don't feel so down mood wise.
The internet is so quiet at this early hour, even though it's basically lunch time and people should be chatting, reblogging, uploading, updating and generally annoying. Oh, well.
Yeah, I'm tired and bored. Not tired enough to sleep, not alert enough to be awake. I'm somewhere between being asleep and awake. More or less constantly though. My mind usually so full of thoughts now appears to be empty. Filling it with music and intense levelling in world of warcraft.
Halfway to level 86 now. Is it too big a goal to reach 87 today? Cause in this speed it's absolutely doable, but it gets harder with each quest, each level and each zone. Though the day has just begun, and I'll be at 86 before the sun starts going down, maybe faster.
I slowly drink my breakfast, three hours after I woke up. I still like the taste, haven't gotten bored with them drinks yet. I wanna keep bleaching my hair, but I know that I should let it rest for a while. After at least two washings. Time wise that is somewhere around a week or two.
I'm impatient! I wanna be blonde now! Holding my horses at the best of my ability... Don't wanna ruin my hair too much. Of course it's gonna get even more damaged after each time I bleach it, but I wanna save as much as possible of it.
The internet is so quiet at this early hour, even though it's basically lunch time and people should be chatting, reblogging, uploading, updating and generally annoying. Oh, well.
Yeah, I'm tired and bored. Not tired enough to sleep, not alert enough to be awake. I'm somewhere between being asleep and awake. More or less constantly though. My mind usually so full of thoughts now appears to be empty. Filling it with music and intense levelling in world of warcraft.
Halfway to level 86 now. Is it too big a goal to reach 87 today? Cause in this speed it's absolutely doable, but it gets harder with each quest, each level and each zone. Though the day has just begun, and I'll be at 86 before the sun starts going down, maybe faster.
I slowly drink my breakfast, three hours after I woke up. I still like the taste, haven't gotten bored with them drinks yet. I wanna keep bleaching my hair, but I know that I should let it rest for a while. After at least two washings. Time wise that is somewhere around a week or two.
I'm impatient! I wanna be blonde now! Holding my horses at the best of my ability... Don't wanna ruin my hair too much. Of course it's gonna get even more damaged after each time I bleach it, but I wanna save as much as possible of it.
Learn to like it
I actually went into a dungeon, but bloody hell I think my heart almost beat its way out of my chest. My hands are still shaking. Not even Zyprexa helped against that panic attack... Neither did the coffee nor the cigarettes. I only took a sip of that Jäger, tasted strange with the coffee.
Listening to Men Without Hats and not getting kicked out of the group for bad behaviour was good though. I failed once and told the group how sorry I was, that I'd never been in that dungeon before. Got no complaints.
The whole group got wiped but it wasn't because of me, the tank stepped in something he shouldn't have done and died. Then died the rest, I last. Probably because I have healing and a nice magic shield that absorbs the damage I take, to an extent of course. I even tried to stay alive while the final boss beat the crap out of my character, while waiting for the others to resurrect. Failed though. You don't survive that long without the tank, I've come to notice.
Damn, it feels like I don't know a shit about this. It's too much to consider and my complete lack of ability to multi-task is getting in the way. I don't know where to stand, when to attack, which spells to use in what order to not be considered a noob by the experts, and so on. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.
I wish I could stop being so painfully nervous when I group up for a dungeon... It's just a game for fucks sake! And I don't owe the other group members anything. They're strangers on a packed server that I'll probably never see again and if I do we won't recognise/remember each other. And if I do get kicked from a group for bad behaviour I can just enter a new one and hope it goes better next time. So what's really the harm in being a bit inexperienced and dumb?
I just wish I had friends to play WoW with, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with strangers. The anxiety is beyond awful, and the little experience I gained for the trouble was beyond disappointing. Also voice chat would be nice, so I won't have to look in the text field on the screen all the time when I should keep track of the monsters attacking me instead, and stop everything I do for too many seconds to write a message with shaking hands... I believe my English is good enough for me to be able to handle a voice chat with people from other countries, but other Swedes would be the best of course. Either way it's not important.
I just suck at socialising and making friends online. I've only really become friends with one person in WoW, and that was way long ago. I suppose he's even forgotten about me or even stopped playing. An erratic 14 year old guy at that time, from England. That would make him 16 or 17 by now. He thought I was weird, a transsexual guy playing as a female night elf. Oh, well.
I'm slowly winding down now. Don't know if I'll be able to go through another dungeon tonight, but I think I could set it a goal to do one run a day. Get in the feel and get used to it. Learn to not panic over it. And maybe some day I will be able to even enjoy it. Maybe, some day...
Listening to Men Without Hats and not getting kicked out of the group for bad behaviour was good though. I failed once and told the group how sorry I was, that I'd never been in that dungeon before. Got no complaints.
The whole group got wiped but it wasn't because of me, the tank stepped in something he shouldn't have done and died. Then died the rest, I last. Probably because I have healing and a nice magic shield that absorbs the damage I take, to an extent of course. I even tried to stay alive while the final boss beat the crap out of my character, while waiting for the others to resurrect. Failed though. You don't survive that long without the tank, I've come to notice.
Damn, it feels like I don't know a shit about this. It's too much to consider and my complete lack of ability to multi-task is getting in the way. I don't know where to stand, when to attack, which spells to use in what order to not be considered a noob by the experts, and so on. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.
I wish I could stop being so painfully nervous when I group up for a dungeon... It's just a game for fucks sake! And I don't owe the other group members anything. They're strangers on a packed server that I'll probably never see again and if I do we won't recognise/remember each other. And if I do get kicked from a group for bad behaviour I can just enter a new one and hope it goes better next time. So what's really the harm in being a bit inexperienced and dumb?
I just wish I had friends to play WoW with, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with strangers. The anxiety is beyond awful, and the little experience I gained for the trouble was beyond disappointing. Also voice chat would be nice, so I won't have to look in the text field on the screen all the time when I should keep track of the monsters attacking me instead, and stop everything I do for too many seconds to write a message with shaking hands... I believe my English is good enough for me to be able to handle a voice chat with people from other countries, but other Swedes would be the best of course. Either way it's not important.
I just suck at socialising and making friends online. I've only really become friends with one person in WoW, and that was way long ago. I suppose he's even forgotten about me or even stopped playing. An erratic 14 year old guy at that time, from England. That would make him 16 or 17 by now. He thought I was weird, a transsexual guy playing as a female night elf. Oh, well.
I'm slowly winding down now. Don't know if I'll be able to go through another dungeon tonight, but I think I could set it a goal to do one run a day. Get in the feel and get used to it. Learn to not panic over it. And maybe some day I will be able to even enjoy it. Maybe, some day...
New levels, more anxiety
My obsession with world of warcraft is still ongoing, I will very soon reach level 85 with that same blood elf. (I have 50 various characters of all levels altogether, so I feel it's kinda necessary to mention which one it is that I'm talking about).
Oh my god, I'm in Pandaria now! Mixed feelings indeed. One one side I'm happy to have reached level 85 and moved on to the next step, alas on the other side I'm a little stressed about those rather new zones and remember what it was like when I was there with my Alliance druid. I'm trying to tell myself that it's different now. Now I'm there with a Horde priest and having been there before will be helpful this time around.
I'm about to reach max level with a second character, only have 5 levels left out of 90! Feels awesome, as you can probably tell. But this slight Pandaria-anxiety requires more cigarette smoke and tar in my lungs, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while... I'm a bit wound up.
Okay, I've done two quests in Pandaria and I feel sick in my stomach already. I hate it so damn much! Ugh... how am I suppose to stand this!? They made levelling easier they said. My ass. Sure, to level 85 it's a rose garden, but then when I get from there I get bitch slapped so hard I just wanna crawl under the floor and die.
That's it, I'm having shot of Jäger and going into a dungeon. Fuck sobriety! And fuck lying about it too. I've already had two or three drinks this week. I'll try not to fall down in that hell of alcoholism again, but I'm not gonna have a white life just because of my ugly past. Control is overrated!
Oh my god, I'm in Pandaria now! Mixed feelings indeed. One one side I'm happy to have reached level 85 and moved on to the next step, alas on the other side I'm a little stressed about those rather new zones and remember what it was like when I was there with my Alliance druid. I'm trying to tell myself that it's different now. Now I'm there with a Horde priest and having been there before will be helpful this time around.
I'm about to reach max level with a second character, only have 5 levels left out of 90! Feels awesome, as you can probably tell. But this slight Pandaria-anxiety requires more cigarette smoke and tar in my lungs, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while... I'm a bit wound up.
Okay, I've done two quests in Pandaria and I feel sick in my stomach already. I hate it so damn much! Ugh... how am I suppose to stand this!? They made levelling easier they said. My ass. Sure, to level 85 it's a rose garden, but then when I get from there I get bitch slapped so hard I just wanna crawl under the floor and die.
That's it, I'm having shot of Jäger and going into a dungeon. Fuck sobriety! And fuck lying about it too. I've already had two or three drinks this week. I'll try not to fall down in that hell of alcoholism again, but I'm not gonna have a white life just because of my ugly past. Control is overrated!
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
All this levelling
Just reached level 77 with my blood elf shadow priest now. The levelling is going good. I still need to save up gold for the next riding skill I was supposed to get at level 70, but I doubt I'll even get it at 80. I'm soon 80! Just three tiny more levels. Gonna stay in Sholazar Basin until 78, and then go to Icecrown and be there until 80, is my plan. Then I'll head off to either Vashj'ir or Mount Hyjal. Haven't decided that yet.
I write up on my calender which dates I reach every fifth level, counting from 60 and up. Just hoping now I won't get tired of him before I reach max level.
Got furious beyond reason and rhyme over a quest in Icecrown (just hit level 78) because without that quest I couldn't go on in that zone. So pissed off I took off to Storm Peaks instead. While there I got angry at another quest and some circumstances around it. I've apparently been playing non stop for four hours. Not so strange that I freak out.
Okay I calmed down after a while, and reached level 79. Really wanna reach 80 today, but it's getting late and I have half a level left. If I stay up the whole night to reach that, does it still count for today? Then sleep four hours and get up and keep playing.
Yes, I'm afraid that I've become slightly obsessed with this nerdy thing. But I'm proud of being a nerd, it is a great thing. Cause to me it means that you're really into something you truly like, and you should never be ashamed of that. It's the definition of passion, which is the greatest feeling one could have.
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep on writing until I'm finished for today. Seems to me kinda pointless to make several entries where I'm just rambling about the same old world of warcraft shit that no one except for maybe other players will read.
So I'm just gonna keep on drinking coffee and diet drinks and smoke all night until I reach last last expansion's max level. Wow, was it really that long ago "Wrath of the Lich King" was released? I really have played this game for a long time... five and a half years now. One of the few (I believe) who has been logged in since vanilla (before the first expansion) and still play.
I'm taking a little break now, need to rest my brain for a few minutes every now and then. The quests in Storm Peaks are almost all complicated and require research and patience. I truly miss levelling in Icecrown... It's dark and beautiful with lots of scourge to kill, creative quests and lots of saronite deposits to mine. Perhaps I can find a spot with a few quests if I just try a little.
I think I'll do that. So tired of Storm Peaks! All the tiring flying and constantly having to look up quests online cause I can't figure them out myself. I just hope Icecrown is what I remember it being. They've changed a little since I was there last time with my troll druid Kamaría, in March last year. Ah, I remember farming for Frostweave cloth there for hours at an end... tedious profession, tailoring is, but also fun. Though I swore to never level it with another character again.
Yes, I had some luck with Icecrown! Feels like home already. Almost there now, level 79 now. Just about 15% left. Then finally some sleep... hopefully. Just a little rest now. Yay! Finally reached level 80! Okay, enough nerdiness for today. Now I'm gonna take a shower and then try to get some sleep.
I write up on my calender which dates I reach every fifth level, counting from 60 and up. Just hoping now I won't get tired of him before I reach max level.
Got furious beyond reason and rhyme over a quest in Icecrown (just hit level 78) because without that quest I couldn't go on in that zone. So pissed off I took off to Storm Peaks instead. While there I got angry at another quest and some circumstances around it. I've apparently been playing non stop for four hours. Not so strange that I freak out.
Okay I calmed down after a while, and reached level 79. Really wanna reach 80 today, but it's getting late and I have half a level left. If I stay up the whole night to reach that, does it still count for today? Then sleep four hours and get up and keep playing.
Yes, I'm afraid that I've become slightly obsessed with this nerdy thing. But I'm proud of being a nerd, it is a great thing. Cause to me it means that you're really into something you truly like, and you should never be ashamed of that. It's the definition of passion, which is the greatest feeling one could have.
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep on writing until I'm finished for today. Seems to me kinda pointless to make several entries where I'm just rambling about the same old world of warcraft shit that no one except for maybe other players will read.
So I'm just gonna keep on drinking coffee and diet drinks and smoke all night until I reach last last expansion's max level. Wow, was it really that long ago "Wrath of the Lich King" was released? I really have played this game for a long time... five and a half years now. One of the few (I believe) who has been logged in since vanilla (before the first expansion) and still play.
I'm taking a little break now, need to rest my brain for a few minutes every now and then. The quests in Storm Peaks are almost all complicated and require research and patience. I truly miss levelling in Icecrown... It's dark and beautiful with lots of scourge to kill, creative quests and lots of saronite deposits to mine. Perhaps I can find a spot with a few quests if I just try a little.
I think I'll do that. So tired of Storm Peaks! All the tiring flying and constantly having to look up quests online cause I can't figure them out myself. I just hope Icecrown is what I remember it being. They've changed a little since I was there last time with my troll druid Kamaría, in March last year. Ah, I remember farming for Frostweave cloth there for hours at an end... tedious profession, tailoring is, but also fun. Though I swore to never level it with another character again.
Yes, I had some luck with Icecrown! Feels like home already. Almost there now, level 79 now. Just about 15% left. Then finally some sleep... hopefully. Just a little rest now. Yay! Finally reached level 80! Okay, enough nerdiness for today. Now I'm gonna take a shower and then try to get some sleep.
Monday, 13 January 2014
Still obsessing about WoW
I woke up so many times tonight, thinking that I just had to get up early to play WoW before the meeting. So when I woke up the last time around 7:00, I though I might as well just do that then. I'm still obsessed with playing world of warcraft, and started the day with buying a bunch of expensive glyphs (with in game currency of course). Sure I could have transferred my goblin who has inscription and just made them myself, but that would be tedious and he can't even make most of the glyphs that I wanted.
Should need to decide which realm I want all my "important" horde characters, but as of now I have most of them on Sha'tar and the rest on Argent Dawn. Both role play servers. I transferred my main hordie to the latter just yesterday, because I wanted to make that robe and shoulders I mentioned in a previous entry. Or did I...? However, I needed my tailor available.
I fit into my old, favourite pair of jeans now. They are tight, and clench my stomach when I sit down, but they fit. Should get stretch jeans, that way I wouldn't have to feel so fat in them. Though they itch cause I'm a little sensitive to the elastic material in clothing. Yeah, even socks itch. Very well then, just gonna finish off a few quests before I head out the door.
Should need to decide which realm I want all my "important" horde characters, but as of now I have most of them on Sha'tar and the rest on Argent Dawn. Both role play servers. I transferred my main hordie to the latter just yesterday, because I wanted to make that robe and shoulders I mentioned in a previous entry. Or did I...? However, I needed my tailor available.
I fit into my old, favourite pair of jeans now. They are tight, and clench my stomach when I sit down, but they fit. Should get stretch jeans, that way I wouldn't have to feel so fat in them. Though they itch cause I'm a little sensitive to the elastic material in clothing. Yeah, even socks itch. Very well then, just gonna finish off a few quests before I head out the door.
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