It feels like I don't have that much time left, as if I was dying. That I only have a few years left to live, even though I don't plan to or want to commit suicide. It's more like I have this sensation that my expiration date is coming up within only a few years. So anyhow, I get this feeling that I have to start living. Doing things I want to do in life, things I want to have done in the end.
But it is true that I have thought about suicide, but it's more compulsive, a poisonous thought that won't leave my mind even though I really try not to think about it. Pictures of my death flash by before my eyes, open or closed. An accident, maybe I cut myself too deep without meaning to and bleed to death. Murder, someone finds me, tortures and kills me slowly. Jumping, falling free from a very high building onto asphalt streets crowded with cars and people walking by.
As I stated, these thoughts are compulsive. Attacking me and they leave me with a feeling of disgust along with fear and general discomfort. But they don't leave me at all. The haunt and taunt me, inspires and disgusts me. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my future, and the self fulfilling prophecy that will lead me to my suicide. That it's a paradox but somehow it's out of my hands. Because I don't get to decide over my fate, yet it will be me making it happen.
It's twisting my mind, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's like, I can be as stable as possible and more, but I will still have this gnawing feeling that one day I will actually take that final leap from the top of a high spot. Leaving only a mess of a body behind me, so broken they will have to check my ID to know if it's actually me.
That thought disgusts me, but it won't leave me be. Over and over that scene replays like a short video in my head. I can't get free of my obsession with death, and it's been on my mind since my early childhood. It has overpowered me, become my ultimate solution to all of my problems, the poison that will make me heal, my cure, the key to my freedom.
But I'm so scared of it at the same time. Cause where will death lead me, where will I end up? Heaven, Hell, reincarnation, nirvana. How am I supposed to know. And what if I happen to bring this disturbed, fucking mind with me in the after life? So many questions leading to only one answer. Cause somehow death is both the question, leading to a lot of other questions, and also it's the answer. Or rather, dying is the answer to the question of death.
Soundtrack: "Deine Welt" by Blutengel.
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