One hell or another

If it wasn't suicide, I would kill you right now. I'm that fucking sick of you. I know I shouldn't think the worst, but we haven't been fighting like this for a long time. I think it's war again and I don't know why. We've been through every imaginable tragedy, we swore a truce. To never start bickering without good reason, to never start a new war. What the fuck happened to that truce, my frenemy?

Yeah, me and Anna again. I hate her so fucking much right now. Cause these last few days or so I've been cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs at her quite a lot and right now I just grabbed the razor blade and dragged it across my skin because I couldn't make her shut the fuck up.

She's annoying me with questions and insults she knows hurt me when I'm the most vulnerable. No one gets underneath my skin, except her, because I literally have no other choice. She's like a fucking virus in my mind and there's no escape. Ever. There never has been.

For 16 years I've put up with her crap and if this goes to hell again, I'm telling the shrinks. I'm legally male now, it shouldn't be an obstacle anymore, whether they think I'm trans enough or not because of her. If only she was male... maybe I should lie and say she's male and say another name? No, I wouldn't be able to stick to that kind of lie, "Anna" is a name permanently imprinted on me. And I want to unprint her. Get some peace and quiet for once.

Cause if this is war again... I certainly can't handle yet another war between us two. I need to do something constructive about this situation, but I don't know what. For 9 years I've kept quiet about her before the psychiatry, for 6 of those years because of my transsexualism, do I even dare telling about her now? What if they would do everything in their power to make sure I won't continue to get treated for my absolutely genuine transsexualism? Do I really have to choose between one hell and another?

Would I regret it if I open my mouth about her to my shrink? Cause if we're really going to raise a hell of our own again, me and Anna, I don't think I could stand it. All I know is that I'm not rational or thinking clearly when I'm upset, and I'm upset a lot lately. And she's just on and on me constantly, I can't shut her up, I can't get her to leave me alone. What the fuck happened to our truce?!

No. If this gets to any degree of worse, I'm opening my damn mouth about her. I've had enough. For 16 fucking years of being controlled by a voice in my head, I've had enough. Yeah, I'm drunk and I hate my fucking life. I can't even get drunk alone. I can't do anything alone, not even going to the bloody bathroom, cause you guess what? I'm never ever alone.

I don't even remember what it was like before her. I was so young, just 9 years old. I've sobered up now, and I'm a little less angry. But the fact still remains, I still have to deal with this situation somehow. I know taking pills doesn't help against her. All those kind of pills ever did was making me fat and stupid. I'd rather be dead in that case. But maybe there could be some other kind of help to get. I don't know, I really don't know if I'd even dare talking about her. Like ever.

Last and first time was such a disaster I regretted it with everything I had in me for years. Well, we'll see what I'll decide for, but talking about her openly like that is not a decision that should be taken lightly. It could still have devastating consequences. I have to be careful, my whole life depends on my secret. I just have to reach a point where nothing else matters, where her words are more likely to kill me than forced de-transition ever would.

Split in black and white

My mind is never at peace. Am I a humanised demon, or a demonised human? Does it matter? I've always felt a bit like the super heroes who have a darker identity that they sort of switch to at certain points, when something triggers them. I'm not saying I feel like a super hero, rather quite far from it. But it's like I'm two people sometimes, and even though pain and madness drives me to the darker me I like him better.

Hard to say why, cause that me isn't much stronger or wiser or anything really. Just different. Braver, perhaps. More confident, selfish and solitary. The other me is bright, more fun and easy going. Insecure, kinder and more social. Isn't that rather schizo though? I don't know, I haven't really come across this phenomena before. I will do some digging in that area, but I doubt I'll find anything useful though.

I've always been split between black and white, and now I see why. I am both, but not at the same time. It's not like I have alter egos, they're both me. Just that one side enhances the dark and the other enhances the light. But since the darker is only present when triggered, that could be a clue of something. That it is developed, not something I was born with. Doesn't make it any less real though, but I think I've just been through too much damn darkness, like what the fuck is happening to me?!

I'm split in so many ways it's getting hard to keep up with everything. First there's me and my body, an eternal war to be honest. Secondly there's me and Anna, which can also be a war sometimes but mostly we're like siblings. Siamese twins that never got our own separate bodies. I don't morph into her, I don't become her, we're like two different people entirely. And then there's this. Where I see myself as two sides of a coin, one dark and one light. Not as in negative and positive, think more like night and day.

I've been trying to describe this like a gazillion times before, but I think I nailed it now. I'm the dark side of me now, can you tell? Triggered by my past and my worries about K, I just sort of morphed. I don't know how that happens, suddenly I'm just there.

This isn't new, I've just not been able to describe it before. I've tried. I've tried so hard for probably about twelve years or more. How the usual me can change into something else. Most people only see that me, as to why I refer to as the "usual", and I suppose there isn't that much difference between them both.

The difference has increased though. I dress differently depending on which one I am. I wear light colours, like a white shirt and blue jeans if I'm the light me. And vice versa I wear darker colours like a blood red shirt with black pants if I'm the dark me. It affects my mood more lately. I don't think either side is more prone to psychosis, though I'm not sure yet. I'll make a thorough study on that later.

I think this is another defence mechanism. I have so many of those just to able to survive my own life. I don't think my life sucked quite that hard, I mean there are loads of people who have had a much worse life without becoming Schizophrenic or whatever the fuck I am. PTSD drew me to madness, is quite safe to say. I'm not very sane at all, though I might seem that way to other people. I can't help but thinking it's not so strange since my chaos is more or less locked inside my brain. And it just becomes worse.

Or does it? I'm seeing clearer all the time, especially since about a year ago. Damn my vision has expanded more than I could handle. Literally more than I could handle. But what does this mean? Like I suddenly understand exactly why I dyed half my hair black and bleached the other half blonde on and off for so many years before. But everyone just said that I looked like Berny Pålsson so I suppose that's why I stopped having my hair that way eventually, even though the first time I had it was before I had even heard of her. When I first saw a picture of her at 17 it was like looking into a mirror. I was both allured and creeped out.

This also explains why I want all my tattoos and piercings on one half of my body but not the other. It explains why I'm drawn to black and white patterns, why I sometimes do my make up differently on either side of my face and so on. It explains my ambivalence too. Damn, it explains a lot. I'm split in two.

How many obsession do I have really...

I feel guilty eating sweets, like I'm asking for a weight gain. I know that thought is possessing my mind these days, poisoning my mind, but I let it. I let it torture me until I've reached my goal. I know that without trying I can steadily keep a weight, any weight really. It's just getting there that is hard.

I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.

Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.

I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.

So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.

At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...

Summing up today

4:30
I hate being in this mindless state. So tired I can just barely hold my head up. Almost dropping my cigarette. Can barely focus on playing WoW, or even just scrolling on Tumblr. I'm speed levelling my Priest, by which I mean I'm only in a zone for as long as necessary, and then take off to the next when I've reached the proper level. Don't bother finishing questlines or even trying to do the tricky and or annoying quests. He's only my fourth character I've ever brought this far into Northrend. That's saying a lot coming from someone who's had probably hundreds of characters altogether.

9:40
Okay I'm getting irritated at stuff in WoW. That's good, a sign of life in this gooey brain of mine. I'm finally waking up! Just made the Frozen Shadoweave Robe in game in less than hour (got most materials off of auction house). The first time I made this robe it took a week... This is my second favourite robe in the whole game, and I've only had it for a short time with one other character before. Missed it a lot. Now I wanna do the matching shoulders! Alright, I'm onto the shoulder piece now. I though I might as well. This is what WoW always should be like: fun, thrilling and making me smile. You can see the whole set on my blood elf on a picture I uploaded on Dayviews. Not that anyone's interested, but still.

13:10
I haven't eaten anything today, since I got up at 2:00 this very early morning. Only had cigarettes and diet drinks. Not to worry though, those are supposed to replace meals. Extra good when I wanna lose weight also. They won't make me fat.

17:50
I'm just whining about food and sleep all the damn time, am I not!? Well, I'm yet again in this awful state when I neither can nor want to eat. My brain likes it, my body absolutely hates it. There's this constant war going on between my mind and body, and then another one within my mind. It's like my subconscious won't accept that my body can't take care of itself without food and sleep. There's something fundamentally wrong with me...

Just another addiction

Had a little nap. Just fell asleep on the sofa at eight on Wednesday evening and woke up just now, four o'clock in this early Friday morning. A 32 hours nap, breaking my previous record of the longest time I've been asleep for. Of course I woke up a few times during my visit to dream-/nightmareland, but I didn't want to get up. So I just stayed there. I chose to get up at this early hour because I'm going to see my shrink at 11:00 and I want to have some time just doing nothing before getting ready for that. It's not like I need to sleep more.

So this is it then? My sleep habit summed up in a month or two: awake for 30 to 80 hours, sleep for 20 to 30 hours. Afraid of sleeping and addicted to sleep deprivation for as long as my body and mind can take it. Cause yeah, that's what happened this time. I realised that I'm not just hypnophobic, but also addicted to causing myself sleep deprivation. How I figured that one out? I had miscalculated the hours of awaken time, from what I believed was 4 days, was actually only 3 days. I was upset that I had not at all reached something close to 100 hours, but "just" around 75 hours, barely breaking my old record.

"Was I proud over my imaginary extra 24 hors making me believe I'm close to a 100 hours of sleep deprivation? Was I fucking proud?!" I wrote in my paper diary. The anxiety that realisation gave me was a bit more than I could take. So I took 2 Zyprexa, 2 caff. pills and downed them with a solution of 2 Bamyl Koffein. Hoping that all the caffeine would keep me awake while the Zyprexa usually makes me tired. Failed. So I can't even take Zyprexa for my anxiety anymore? Well that's just great.

I gave up and stopped fighting. I felt like shit after what felt like 95 hours but was only 75. I couldn't do it, keep on fighting with all those feelings of being a fucking failure. Something I shouldn't feel like a failure over. So I took my horrible feelings and lied down on the sofa. When misery wins over misery.

Ambivalent sleep issues

I just wanna tell him that I love him, but I can't. It's eating at me, I don't like keeping secrets, they almost always come out one way or another eventually, because I can't hold it in any longer. This only goes for my own secrets, I should assure you. Other people's secret I feel absolutely no need to blab about. Because that secret has already been shared, and it's not my secret to tell.

I've been pushed sometimes, to reveal someone else's secret, but no. When I make a promise not to tell, my lips are sealed under any and every circumstances. Drunk, high, pushed, worried - doesn't matter. Maybe that's why people so easily seem to trust me? Don't think I've thought about that before.

I'm screwing up my sleep again. I had an instant choice to make, when I felt I was getting sleepy: caffeine or sleeping pills. Eeny meeny miny moe... and I picked the bad choice. Once again the anxiety won over me, and another 12 hours or so will pass by without sleep. I have this nagging feeling that I wanna "prove" that I'm still hypnophobic, which is so stupid I can't even believe I'm writing it here. The strongest reason though, is that I just can't bear another night fighting to fall asleep.

It's the opposite of what my psychologist advised me to do, but it's not like I have a "turn off-button" lying around somewhere. You can't just ignore a fear that powerful and crippling. It's like I'm standing at the edge of the roof of a very high building every night, looking down, and maybe you can understand what that's like. Even if you don't have a distinct fear of heights.

Cause sometimes the war in my head is killing me. Over and over in ways I didn't even think was possible. It always finds new ways, creeping in through cracks I didn't before know were there. Anxiety, or straight out uncontrollable fear, is sneaky that way, and I believe there is nothing in this world, in this realm of reality, that one cannot feel anxious about. Just that thought makes me anxious! But it's true.

Hating this addiction

I hate it that I cut so much nowadays. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate that I'm so dependent on it, that I can't hack it without it, no matter how much medicine I take (no, not over dosing). Fall in blood pressure, the fuck?! I haven't bled that much... or have I? I'm not counting it in millilitres, but it could have been a drip or two too much today. Damn it.

Also I'm a little anaemic all the time. Barely noticeable for a doctor, but I'm this hyper sensitive sort of person, so I notice it quite much. Besides, it's bright red leaning to pink in colour. So what I'm saying is that me bleeding just a little more than any other person would think is "not a big deal" could technically make me a little dizzy and cause fall in blood pressure. But I'll survive though, don't worry, I always do, don't I?

I'm fighting this war against myself, so much I'm really starting to wonder who the hell is gonna win. My body usually does, one way or another. There's only so long you can resist your body's needs until the body gets what it needs no matter the fuck what. Sleep deprivation? Crash on the floor 75 hours later. Starvation? Pass out wherever you happen to be after around 3 days. Blood loss? Faint. Over all the crashing part seem to be the first logical choice when I've been abusing my body to the absolute breaking point. Just "sobering up" no matter what shit I've been doing, seems to do the trick.

This anxiety is eating me alive, tearing my insides apart and I can't get rid of it. Like a virus infecting my every cell and fibre. For almost 24 hours I've been awake and roughly 20 of them have been riddled with anxiety. It glows in neon on my face. No it doesn't, none of my feeling ever show. Or at least very seldom unless I really want them to be seen.

I feel like I'm trapped in a maze and after looking for a way out for hours and hours I'm starting to try climbing up the walls. I don't know what to do with myself. It hasn't been this bad for a long time now. Or well, a few weeks tops, but still. I'm gonna stop saying "this fucking summer" and start saying "this fucking year" instead...

Third world war

I don't know, maybe I’m some sort of different species... okay I am, but that's beside the point. I saw this short documentary about a journalist interviewing Christians of the Baptist Church in Texas. They were all hung up on how gay people were such “horrible sinners” and blah blah blah. Now, of course these people are insensitive idiots with their heads up their arses, but this journalist completely lost it just a few minutes in the film and started insulting and yelling at them all through the rest of the video. Is it just me or why couldn't he approach them in a friendly manner if he was so very interested in making a film about it? Is it impossible for people to be nice and polite, even show some respect and interest when discussing things they don't agree with?

I see this all the time, not just in documentaries, but whenever and wherever, even here in Hemse. Of course we should defend our opinions and feelings, but we can do that without getting aggressive. Or at least I can. Especially when it comes to religion people tend to become all freaky. Some people even become freaky when I mention that I have a Bible. It doesn't mean that I’m a Christian, and even if I was, why is that something to lash out on? Do we vote for freedom of speech or just freedom of our own speech?

They're missing what it's all about: respecting each others opinions. I know it's hard to keep doing that when the person you're discussing with doesn't respect yours. But if it spirals out of control (yeah, that has happened to me as well) I just apologise for being blunt and tell them out straight that I do respect their opinion. Cause why the hell wouldn't I? How the hell are we gonna find any sort of peace if we keep biting each others heads off?

Sometimes I really don't doubt that I’m not human. This is the sort of thing that really makes me feel disconnected to the human race. Good for me, but it makes me look at the humans with some serious doubt that they will ever see a bright future. I’m certain there will be a third world war, and it will most likely be a religious war. I just wish I won't be around to endure that, whenever it breaks out. I’d rather have the zombie apocalypse to be honest. Would be fun being a zombie. Cause come on, if that was to happen I wouldn't stand a chance. But now this blog entry is getting too long so this will have to do.