Breast reconstruction, analysis

So I've been looking more into breast reconstruction info and it has sparked a few more new thoughts and feels. It's interesting! So, first off, I've found more info about the "flap" method, meaning that when the surgeon takes tissue from another part of the body and makes boobs from that. Apparently you can be too thin for it! Well, I obviously can't say if I am too thin to be elegible for that method, but there might be a risk that I am. The most common donor site is stomach, and I'm just ALMOST certain I don't have enough flab there for two tits.

Another common donor site is butt/lovehandles. That I could more surely be elegible for cause I simply, factually, have more fat tissue there. However... apparently very few surgeons are skilled enough to use tissue from that particular donor site. Which means it's not likely gonna be an option for me in this tiny country I live in that only has like 3 surgeons per area of expertise. A third option for donor site is the back, or upper side of the back. Problem with that site however.... are that I'd still need to add implants as well, I have very little fat tissue on my back in general so might not work at all, and it might mess up my motor skills forever after. So I'd opt out of that one even if I'm elegible for it, cause not worth it.

However, let's just assume I'll be elegible for and can get both the flap method (stomach and, but not likely ass/hips) and the method of getting only implants... which one would I choose?

I think both methods have a lot of pros and cons and they pretty much weigh equally. It would depend on things that are only indivual for my specific body and my life. But let's have a closer look. Here are some of my questions/worries:

Implant method:
- Karate. Would it be safe to practice karate with implants? Would it be safe enough with saline instead of silicone, in case there is a considerable risk of rupture?
- Can my chest skin stretch enough, or evenly enough, considering amount of skin there and the stretch-ability of my top surgery scars?
- Would my nipples end up in a wonky place, as I wouldn't be able to relocate them again? Risk is they'd end up way too high up and possibly also too close together or too far apart.

Other things to consider:
- Quicker recovery, possibly fewer surgeries
- Would definitely keep my real nipples but they may end up in weird placement and not look good
- Boobs may look and feel not so natural

Flap method:
- What about my nipples? Could I keep my real ones or would I have to toss them for reconstructed ones? Cause I've heard nipples that have been relocated once CAN'T be relocated again, and a flap would cover that area, or my real nipples would end up above the flap but way too high up and it wouldn't be a good look at all. If I'd opt for reconstructed nipples I might end up with two small scars (additional ones) where they used to be, and then the new nipples would be a bit further down. Is what my vivid imagination is telling me.
- What about scarring and unevenness on the donor site?Especially if butt, I have a great butt and I'd be sad if it would lose shape, be scarred and look bad. But if stomach then I wouldn't worry about it. As long as it would heal well without complications, that kind of scar wouldn't bother me and the surface area would most likely end up being pretty evenly flat.

Other things to consider:
- Longer recover time, possibly more surgeries
- Might have to get nipples reconstructed which would likely look better but I might just miss them
- Boobs may look and feel more natural

Other questions I may have I think would apply to both and just in general. And my intent with this entry is to only analyse which method of reconstruction I'd wanna go for and why, not all of my thoughts/feels about reconstruction in general. I've seen more results and I will add a few to this blog entry cause I never got around to email you those. I tried to find pics of patients that look at least somewhat similar to me, but many are a lot older and fatter so erhm yeah... cause that does impact result a lot. A 64 year old black woman who's twice my size would obviously get a very, very different-looking pair of boobs from what I'd get, for example.

Let's talk about my nipples for a moment: I feel kinda "shrugs" about mine and I don't really feel all that emotionally attached to them. And here's their state: the little sensation I have left in them doesn't feel good at all but kinda painful and "icky" (I dunno how to describe it, but it's bad), sensation in them can never be regained anyhow, they're really just dried up scar tissue, the areolas are uneven in shape and size and are permanently discoloured, they don't at all look like they originally did, one is bigger and more oval than the other, the scar tissue around looks weird, they have uneven edges that look unnaturally "sharp" in contrast to the surrounding skin which bugs me. Objectively, they're trash, and I would not lose out on ditching them. But on the more subjective side, I might still be nostalgic about them, simply cause they're mine. Even though they don't feel or look like mine since my top surgery.

But if I'd get new ones reconstructed, there would be a lot of pros, such as:
- I could get them tattooed in an even and nice colour that's similar to how my original ones used to look before my top surgery (I'd likely go with a colour similar to my lips' natural shade or slightly darker, as reference).
- They'd be even in shape and could look more natural.
- I could choose their size too. And for both to be the same size.
- I could make them look quite similar to how they used to look, as I still have that old photo! (And fuck yeah, I'd show it to a surgeon!) But then they don't have to look all that similar, it could just be a reference.
- I would still have barely any sensation in them BUT the little sensation I'd have would not be painful/icky like it is now, which would be an improvement.
- They'd be made of actual skin, not just scar tissue, which means they'd be soft and nicely squishy. I miss having squishy, soft and grabbable nips. Although it wouldn't be "nipple skin" it would be better than the hard, rough scar tissue of my current situation.

Seeing that listed up and having felt things through as I wrote it... why the hell would I even want to keep my nips if getting a new pair would be better on literally ALL points?! Me and my god damned nostalgia!

By the way, a little while ago I found a lot of very good information about breast reconstruction from this channel's playlist on youtube, if a source may be of interest (I haven't watched all the vids yet though):
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIpJ04u0nhs0ykHFwetCht4r3q-sKZvM7

Okay, let's see what kinda conclusion I can whip up then!
If I had all options available for me to choose from: I think I might prefer the flap method, actually, cause it does often look more natural and I've heard it also feels more natural, cause they'd be made of my own fat tissue. It would likely cover my top surgery scars with neater scars in slightly different places. And I think I might actually be fine with tossing my natural nipples for a new pair, I'd probably not even miss them. It would be very neat to not have to worry about implants bursting open or having to replace them after a decade or two. It would be boobs of my own natural tissues, just relocated, no plastic or saline, so I think I'd feel more "connected" to them as natural parts of me then. It would be safer for karate or any kind of physical activity. Once they're done and healed there's very little risk of needing any further surgery to fix them up. I only worry slightly about the donor sites, if I'd be elegible for it even, nipples and the recovery being hard on me. Cause going through skin grafting surgery ain't no fucking rosegarden! Or at least I think it might be harsh to go through.

About the implants method, I feel I get drawn towards it mostly because it seems to be quicker and easier and have a less demanding recovery time. For actual results and living with the boobs many years after, the flap method does seem a lot better. So I think I'd choose the flap method then, actually. Cause it just feels like the wiser, more logical and all around better option. If I could be elegible for it. If not I'd just ask the surgeon about the rupture risk with karate and have a discussion about my safety concerns with implants, and also discuss nipple placement, but I'd happily go with implants if that's the only option I'd be elegible for.

Either which way I'm sure I'll get good boobs that I will give lots of love and care, BUT if I had the free unlimited choice of just picking and choosing whichever method I personally want, I'd of course still bring up all of my questions and concerns to the surgeon, but then also most likely go with the flap method. Because it will depend a lot on what the surgeon says during a consultation. I know I can only do so much in terms of my own research, vivid imagination and creative guesstimations.

I know I said pretty much the opposite probably not even a month ago, but that's because I'm more informed now, and also not in an extremely overly dysphoric/griefy mood about my chest so I can analyse it a bit more logically now. So with the new information that I have about both methods, and my emotions being a little bit more in check, I now think the flap method would probably be better than implants but I still think they're both good methods and ultimately I'd be fine with either one. But also both methods have cons that concern me a little. The biggest reason I'd rather choose the flap method with what I know now, is that I'd rather ditch my nipples than risk getting implants busted at karate, or any other activity, and because flap boobs have more/better longevity in general and seem to be more natural in both feeling and looks.

Also the stomach flap method is called "DIEP flap". Was some really long, tongue-twister of a phrase those 4 letters are short for, that I can't remember anymore.

You probably never thought you'd ever hear me say this, but: I kinda wish I had a more flabby stomach! So I could use it for a donor site for new boobs. Should I pack on some weight before surgery? I'm serious. After a consultation, of course. I mean I could do that quite easily... and I think it would be worth it cause it seems I really wanna go with that flap method, but I'm unsure if I might be too thin for it. I'd of course be very, very careful to not trigger an eating disorder relapse, VERY careful. But because I actually love my body shape now and really don't mind having a Big Beautiful Butt, I don't think it actually would trigger a relapse. I wouldn't mind it getting bigger. The thought of that actually turns me on slightly..... And then after surgery my stomach would be flatter than it has ever been... since I was 16 or something. Also I actually didn't look bad at around 80kg weight. There might be one or two pics of me from that time, dated year 2012. I just thought that I looked bad with that weight at the time cause of the dysmorphia. It wasn't a big difference from my current weight, I think. I weigh around 65-67 kg now though so aiming at 70-75 would be more reasonable, in that case. And that would only be a very slight overweight.

Am I totally crazy for actually considering gaining weight for surgery, though?! Must mean I REALLY want those boobies, huh?

At this point my stomach is really hairy still, but it has reduced a lot already and I think there's quite a high chance it will be more or less just peach fuzz on it by the time I get to consultation and/or surgery. And if not, I could just get it lasered, cause I don't wanna keep my stomach hair either which way. It itches, looks bad and I've no idea what to do with it when I wanna shave my pussy but not wanting to bloody bother with the stomach hair. I'm keeping it now ONLY so that I can see it reduce. But again, I'd of course consult with the surgeon about that first before I'd actually start gaining weight on purpose. I have a little bit of pout on my stomach already, so I'm pretty sure some extra 5 or 10 kg would surely be enough. I'd be overweight then though, which might be of concern for surgery safety. But anyhow, it's just an idea!

But I think it would actually be totally worth it though. Growing some boob material!

I'd say that's a pretty good analysis and a pretty solid conclusion. However, do keep in mind that I may still change my mind again on details like nipples, risks/safety, scarring, etc. But this is where I stand with it right now. And I feel pretty good and hopeful about it.

So, I thought I'd add some pics to give you an idea of what reconstructed boobs can kinda look like on me, taken into consideration that I of course can't find anyone with a chest that looks exactly like mine.

Okay, so I selected 4 pics in total, all slightly different, in subtle but important ways. I tried to find ones with women who are of similar size, shape, skintone and age as me, which really wasn't easy, so you've gotta use your imagination a lot if you're trying to imagine them being me. Sidenote but, me showing these pics might actually give you an idea of what I think my own body type, shape and size looks like! I think especially the first and last pic are quite close. The middle two, not as much.

Anyhow, here we go:

1. This girl only got one boob and nipple (right side in pic) reconstructed with the flap method, which I think is good to show cause you can then see how similar the reconstructed boob looks to the natural one. The stomach scar is from where they took the tissue to create the breast, which just looks like a regular tummy-tuck scar. She's 36 so not very far from my age and I think her chest looks really awesome!

2. I chose this picture cause her scars are kinda similar to the ones I have, just a bit higher up and slightly different angle. Mine would be below the nipples and more straight across. That's both boobs reconstructed, with just implants, no grafting. Here you can also see what she looked liked before, and that there had been quite some time between mastectomy and reconstruction. Nipples are reconstructed too. It doesn't look as natural, but also likely cause she's very thin which makes the implants "pop out" a bit more, and she was perhaps not elegible for the flap method due to her thinness. Don't know her age but looks young enough, but I can't guess if she's 20 or 40 even... I still think these are good-looking boobs though and I'd be happy with that kind of result.

3. This woman's a little older at 41, a bit heavier than me and looks quite different from me in general, but I just think her boobs turned out so incredibly good and very natural-looking I just had to include this pic! If it wasn't for the scarring around the nipples I would not think twice about them being natural, including the nipples. Consider me impressed! Flap method, says website, but I honestly can't figure out how. Looks more like a breast reduction, but I know it's not. Donor site is stomach here as well. Honestly, I'd fucking kill to have boobs like these! (and also if I may be so rude to say, I actually think her reconstructed ones look much better than her original ones did.)

4. And then this last one I wanna show because this is implant only and it's her natural nipples. Not to be mean or anything... Her boobs look absolutely amazing! ...but her nipple placement worries me a little bit. Cause I think that would happen with my nipples too if I'll keep them and go with implants... that they'll just take off somewhere. Granted, this does not at all look bad and I even think the skew nipples look really cute on her, it's just that the asymmetry and them being so far apart would bother me if it was my chest. I think it looks like she just had an augmentation, and a good one at that. In my mind it doesn't look super natural, but very good nonetheless. She's 26, and more tan, but otherwise quite similar-looking to me, I think.

That's the end of the gallery. I hope blogger won't complain about me posting these pics here on my blog. My blog is "child banned" already so it should be fine that it's tits, but it's also not sexual at all, but for a VERY medical reason. I obviously don't own any rights to these pictures and just found them online, but the women are anonymous and I do post them with all good intentions and no body shaming. I'm even complimenting them. I really hope they are as happy with their chests as I would be if I looked like they do. Just as a disclaimer, I guess. Cause I think it can be important to show the one or two people who read my blog the reality of what I'm faced with. And what I mean when I say I think reconstructed breasts I've seen online look really good and I'd love to have that. I'm jealous! And I can't fucking wait for my own reconstruction to happen! So yeah, these pics are highly inspirational for me and I'm really grateful those women posted their pics online so that I could see them and be jealous as well as more informed of what kind of result I could be expecting and realistically hoping for.

Strength in hairs

So I've been thinking, pondering... if I should shave my hair off. I don't really want to, although I guess it could be exciting in some sense. The actual reason I'm considering it is because my hair is so horrible looking and in such bad quality now that I literally can't think of any way to possibly save it. I'm always wearing a wig in public now, and I'm planning on buying more wigs in different colours and styles. So like... if my hair just looks like a rat's ass that I don't want to show in public anyway, and I'm wearing wigs anyway... what's the point of keeping it on my head? I don't even bother to keep up with dyeing or trimming it. It's like I've already given up on it.

I think what I fear or worry the most about if I'd really shave it is... well, losing a part of my femininity, losing another part of my body (even though it's not a permanent "loss" it's still a pretty big thing), and that my hair is a big comfort for me. I've never felt comfortable in short hair, as either or any gender. I've had short hair as a girl before, at around age 16, and obviously as a kid (0-7ish) when my parents didn't allow me to grow my hair out. And I then also had short hair as a guy when I was like 21, and then again at age 24. So I have had short hair, but felt really uncomfortable about it every time. But then I also get really annoyed at my hair when it's long, although I very rarely ever get any wish to cut if off. I usually just get a wish to tie it up.

It was at 24 that I also cut it cause it was horribly damaged. That time was from way too intense bleaching. I bleached it literally 12 times... oops. That fried my hair completely so I went from waist length to a short kinda typical "guy style" yeah that short blonde backslick which I still have photos of on my facebook page. However, I can't really "just" get a short hairstyle now. It's damaged to the roots, or even into the roots. Cause what grows out is very, very thin and brittle. It keeps breaking off close to the scalp. I don't know what's happened to it, if it's the testo or something else. Cause about 3-4 years ago and all the time before that, it was very thick and lots of it. Now, I have about a quarter of what I used to, and the hairs themselves are about half the thickness and so brittle they literally break in my hands. If I'd take one strand in my hands and snap it, it requires no effort at all. I can see my scalp through it, like what little is left of it doesn't even cover the skin it grows on anymore. That is a bad look. So seriously, I think the only thing I even can do about it at this point is to cut it all off.

So erhm well... my hair is dead. I just don't have the courage to bury it. I don't need more things about my body to mourn though... It's like... up until recently (few months ago) I kept beating the dead horse, but then I stopped and I'm letting it be, but it's still lying there and I don't have the heart to let it actually rest in peace. I still keep it in my damn stable and keep bringing it food and water, just hoping it may still come back to life again.

I've always loved having long hair... I never got the black, hip-long, thick hair I always dreamed of having since I was a kid. That long wigs are just not comfortable to wear at all. They slip off even with glue, get really fucking entangled and take forever to detangle. I know, there might still be hope for my hair at some point. If it is the testo causing it to have gotten so thin and brittle, there is a slim chance that the longer I stay off the testo my hair might possibly regain some of its former strength, eventually. But even if so, shaving it might still be a better solution than keeping it. Cause it might look better when it grows out again then. It still keeps growing at a normal rate. So I mean, just shaving it once wouldn't be an irreversible change. It's just hair, right?

Well I'm gonna need to think about this a hell of a lot more before I'll make any actual decision on it. I would prefer to wait until after I have boobs again, cause I think then it would be easier to deal with losing the femininity that having long hair comes with, if I at least have boobs to feel feminine with, as a comfort. But I also know that I'm just feeling worse and worse about my hair by the fucking day. If it doesn't get better soon I'm likely gonna have a breakdown about it either way. Also, I can't keep post-pobning literally everything until after I have new boobs. Life doesn't stop for that.

Also, a VERY important sidenote about boobs:
While masturbating last night... even though I hate touching my flat chest, I decided to give it a go, just to try out something new. What I did was squeezing one side of my chest, like really hard as if there was a boob there that I was squeezing excitedly, repeatedly and constantly, while holding a vibe against my clit, and fuck almighty... it felt so good. And I felt my super strong orgasm also internally, despite no penetration (cause I'd have needed a third hand to manage that). I managed to trick my mind to think I was actually squeezing my own, real boob, and it felt sooo good. Not just good, it touched my soul. It made me feel an intensely amazing connection between my chest and my pussy that I have literally never felt before. Like there were sparks shooting between them through my stomach, enticing each other to orgasm. Damn, it was so beautiful.

I felt like a complete woman, super attractive and just right. It made me think that... maybe I've already cured away my chest-trauma feelings as well? Cause... it had no "dirt" in it, that feeling of being aroused by touching my chest in a way that made me feel as though it was my breast I was touching, in a very "womanly" erotic way (yes I squeezed it very hard, but it didn't hurt at all, it felt just awesome, do remember my nerves are a little dead in that area)... it had no "dirt"... it was pure. I'm still very dysphoric and grieving about my chest, but in that moment I connected to it, more than I ever had before. I connected to it because I could literaly FEEL like I had breasts again, and I loved every second of it. That's some fucking badass "mind over matter" alright! That moment felt like the clearest sign EVER that I will be whole again with new boobs. And likely also ridiculously sexually fulfilled...

But back to my hair issue:
This is not an easy decision to try to make. And I'm trying to not be upset by it. Like... lots of women look really badass with a bald head, and many also see it as a freeing and empowering thing to do. But then it's also super common for women who lose their hair to grieve like fuck. So erhm yeah...

But then it also gets tricky cause I don't think I'd be comfortable with having a beard if I had no hair on my head. Like I'd just feel like I'd look like a total dude and not at all that sweetly femme with a male touch. Unless I'd wear a wig of course. So I mean I could do so that I'd only have a beard if I'm wearing a wig but shave my face if I'd go without a wig. I think I have gotten a lot braver in general since detransing, but this still feels like it's very far from my comfort zone, and it's difficult for me to even just toy with the idea. It's like some really hot potato I really don't wanna hold in my hands.

But it might also be freeing if I'd actually dare to let go of that comfort and actually work on my issues with that. I don't know if that's a gendered thing... cause men seem to be less bothered by shaving their heads, and most of my guy friends have at least tried it once or twice, even if they've got super thick, nice hair with no signs of balding. And most balding guys I know don't seem to have cared much about shaving off the rest. But of course some do and have struggled with it. Just like some women never have any issue with shaving their heads or having very short hair. But I've gotta wonder if that's societal or biological. Like... why exactly are women more likely to feel emotionally attached to their hair, than men are to theirs? Cause it could totally be societal, about women often being told they should be pretty and have long hair. But then even a lot of butch women who don't really care about looking "pretty" seem to have the same emotional hangup about shaving it like many femme women do, and some femme women don't have that hangup. So I dunno. Could be a combination of societal and biological, maybe.

It made me think of a movie I watched a really long time ago. I liked it but it had a lot of boring scenes too. It's called "G.I. Jane" and is about a woman who joins the army (I've forgotten her reason for joining it) and she rebels against the sexism in the military like that she was considered "weak" for being female and it also bothered her that she was allowed to keep her hair long cause the men were required to shave theirs. Around halfway into the movie she gets her hair entangled or slightly stuck in clothes or whatever, like it doesn't injure her at all, but it slows her down and she's already struggling to keep up with the men, so she decides to shave it off. And that gives her the mental strength and bravery that she needs to reach her potential as a soldier. So that's like... quite a "girl power" movie and is of course based on the "G.I. Joe" thing, whatever that was I don't quite remember but I'm pretty sure it's an "action figure" like a masc doll for little boys to play with. It's like a Ken doll in military clothes... But if that doll came from a movie, or a comic, or whatever... I dunno. But anyhow.

I really have too much to deal with already. With my boob-grief, accepting my facial hair, detransing in general, all the trauma stuff... I really don't need to deal with hair-grief as well right now. Also it's winter, meaning it's too fucking cold to be that hairless. I don't know, I really don't know... I guess it could be pretty awesome in some ways though... Like I could change eyebrow colour (with makeup, or dye cause those are kept short-haired) whenever I wanted, I could get lace scarves like a sorrow veil and wear on my head, and I think it could look very intense and striking with a sharp and femme goth makeup look. Like Anna Varney! She's a trans woman who is non-transitioning due to her religion, is very depressed, makes beautiful music by singing and is considered somewhat of a goth legend with her band Sopor Aeternus. She wears a very femme, dark clothing style that reminds me of mourning clothing from the 19th century, often has really long nails, she's bald (likely due to male pattern baldness) but sometimes wears a half-wig (that start on the top of the head so shows like a very high forehead) in some elaborate style, or a sorrow veil. She's quite old, I think, (like 60+) and not particularly "pretty" per se, but she has a lot of badass vibes, her style is very beautiful and incredibly artistic. She makes beauty out of her grief. So in that sense I see beauty in the way she looks.

It's often debated if she's really trans or not, but I think the song "Anima II" of hers really confirms that she is. In that song she sings about herself as a woman with really had dysphoria about her male body, and it literally has the lyric line "my true self is female" soooo like how much clearer can it possibly get? Well, she's never said it outright in interviews and seems to be very quiet about her personal life to the paparazzi. But whatever, I guess. Reading her wiki, she's got a pretty interesting, and very sad, story though.

But enough ranting about that musician. I just brought her up cause just IF I'd ever dare to shave my head, she could definitely be a style inspiration for me. Also, head jewellery?! Like a creation of thin chains with small berloques that are meant to be worn on the head. Would also be awesome on a bald head. I think I've got a pretty neat head shape, but not easy to know for sure. I don't think it has any big bumps or dents, at least. Although I know I have a few little brown spots here and there on it, where I've had it partially shaved (like sidecuts) before. Also when I had my head partially shaved in the past, I really liked to just stroke that very, very soft stubble. Like it felt a bit like velvet, and it was soothing to just play with. I'll... hold onto that mental image.

But what really makes me contemplate it is... well, I feel kinda embarrassed by my hair now. Because I still keep holding onto it even though it looks so awful. I mean fuck, I even wore my wig for my id card... cause I couldn't stand the idea of showing my nasty nest of hair on such a picture. I don't know if that's allowed, but no one said anything about it, and nor did I, so it did end up in the pic on the card that I now have. And I think I'd actually feel more comfortable walking around in public bald than I do with the hair I have on my head now. I think that in itself is a pretty compelling reason. And maybe it is just me being a wuss that's keeping me hesitating. Also it would be really fucking nice to not have to deal with hair-brushing, tying it up whenever (I almost always have it tied up at home), getting hair in my eyes and mouth all the god damn time, not having to bother with 300 rounds of conditioning or even buying super expensive conditioners (I'd probably still use some cheap ones for just moisturing my head in the shower with, though).

Yeah, I feel super scared about doing it, but at the same time... I kinda want to? I think it might be freeing. If not else so because of just daring to let go of my stupid hair, like it might be a release from what has essentially become a burden. And because it's something I've been holding onto beyond the point of it being reasonable or even mentally healthy. But I also think it would be very difficult to go through with. I think I'd likely break down and panic soon afterwards, or even in the middle of the process. I wish I'd have a friend or someone who could take over then to finish it, if I'd still be committed to it but just too upset to handle holding the clippers. Cause I think that would trigger a lot of emotions in me. Which is also why I absolutely would NOT want to go to a hair salon for it. Just... no fucking way I'd let myself break down at a hair salon. Although that must be the one kind of haircut that simply no hairdresser even possibly could fuck up. Like, they can't go too short or cut it the wrong way if the intended result would be zero hair left. I mean... unless they'd chop off my ears too, I guess...

But yeah.. of course I'm also aware of that going from back length to no hair would be a very big step. I very much know that. Which is probably also why just thinking about doing this makes me nauseous. I've never been able to hold that thought for more than a few seconds before. But then I always used to love my hair, which I don't anymore. I hate it. It's horrible and it's just a hopeless mess, and its only good use these days is to help keep my wig in place, and keep my head somewhat warm and/or protected from sunlight. But there is wig glue/tape and hats can keep my head warm and/or protected. So if that's the only use my hair has now... it's pretty useless, cause I don't really need it for any of those things.

I think I'll order one or two more wigs first, and try to imagine what being bald could look like on me. Like just wearing my wig cap (which is close to my skin tone in colour) on my hair tied up and really stare into the mirror with that look and see if I could like it. Cause I think that's as close to "looking bald" as I can make myself before actually doing it.

The kind of wigs I really want is one to be in the same (or similar) kind of brown/blonde ombre colours as my real hair is in now, cause I really like that style, but it's difficult to find such a wig. Saw one on Amazon that of course doesn't ship to Sweden... and I don't want to have to bother with contacting some super expensive wig company to have one custom made. Nah. I'd like for it to have bangs so it doesn't need to be lace front, and it also doesn't need to be made of real hair. Some higher quality synthetic hair would be just fine.

For another wig I don't know if I'd want a plain brown (possibly for Anna but also for myself) in either a long-ish or mid-length style... or maybe something in a lighter copper or bronze colour. I dunno, I do have a thing for warm brown and blonde colours on hair nowadays, but I don't want a fully blonde wig. I don't like that look on myself, and I feel kinda proudly brunette these days. But I would like some blonde details to like give it a golden hint. However, brown with blonde highlights is the most boring hair colour style ever. It's been so nagged out, and the entire 90's and 00's ruined it by overdoing it. But if I can't find some nice looking brown/blonde combo wig, I guess I'll just throw my money at a plain brown wig then. Also need to buy more wig tape. And maybe some sorrow veils (but also I'd wear them like backwards, in a non-traditional way, so not over my face, btw, but more like a hood).

And I don't think I'll get enough courage (or stupidity) to do it before I'd get that/those wig/wigs and given it some more thought. Although I must admit a small part of me kinda wants to do it right now. I know I shouldn't though. I need to be a bit more certain about it first, or at least a bit more mentally prepared. And also, have some comforts readily available in case I'd really panic or break down about it. Although just running to bed and lying down wrapped up in my duvet might be a really good "escape route" if my feelings would get way too overwhelming. Also I don't know if I should tell my mother about it first or just shock her with the result afterwards. I don't think she'd be particularly shocked though, more like a bit surprised and possibly confused. I don't really want to talk to her about any aspect of my looks nowadays, and I don't want her opinion on it. At least not before, as that might make me feel more insecure and hesitant about doing it, than I already am.

I'm the kinda person who usually wants as little input from others about my decisions as possible. Because if I don't ask for input or don't get any advice on it, then I can be more sure that the decision is entirely, and genuinely my own choice. And not something I do because of other people's influences. But I also need to vent my thoughts on stuff like this, cause they simply don't fit in my head. And I usually don't mind input from friends or people that I know would speak from what's in my best interest and not just their own ideas of what they think of it in general.

Like I've been vehemently against the look of bald heads for the vast majority of my life, so if someone had asked me back then, if I thought they should shave their head, I would have said "no, don't do it" because of my own personal feelings on it, and not because of me actually caring about what would be the best or most helpful advice for that specific person. I do appreciate the opinions of well-meaning, good friends. Just not those of my non-supportive, naggy parents.

So yeah, I'm not against it anymore, apparently! I kinda always knew that someday I would shave my head, at least as an inkling of a thought. And strangely I always thought it would be badass to do as a woman, but kinda not as a man. Because as a woman it would be really going against societal expectations, and far outside of my own comfort zone, but as a man it would just have been... boring? But I do still get a strong emotional reaction towards it. It's a mix of positive and negative feelings, much of which I've already explained quite well in this entry. That I connect bravery, strength, and badassery as well as a certain kind of beauty towards it on the positive side - but then there are my fears and thoughts of losing comfort and femininity, on the negative side. This is of course only really applicable to baldness on women, and by extent, also on feminine men. Because I'm feminine, and sometimes I look, feel and sound like a man, but it is as a woman that I walk this Earth.

Would I regret it, if I'd do it? Well, I might. But I don't think that would be so bad if I would. It does grow out again, and I could still wear my wig as I already do. It wouldn't change much in practice, except it might make me wanna hide my head when not wearing a wig if I'd regret it. But as it is winter soon, I could quite easily solve that issue by wearing hoods, even indoors, or even get a simple at-home-wig. And then already within a month or two, it would be a buzzcut and no longer bald. But then I might also not regret it, and might even shave it again as it grows out. If I'd like it, I may actually wanna maintain it for a while.

I think it very much is different to be contemplating this decision now, as a woman in my detransition, than if I had done it as a guy before detransing. Cause then I'd very likely have been regretting it now, as I was so happy about that I had long hair as a man, letting me in detransition have long hair as a woman too... for a while. I really needed that, a lot. But maybe I can let go of that now. Looking at my pros and cons... it does seem like it's leaning quite heavily for doing it, as I should not let simply my fears stop me. And there are other comforts to find. Around me, within me and on my body. I don't need to hoard comforts for the sake of hoarding them! However, the timing might not be ideal, considering I already have a bunch of other difficult issues to deal with now. I dunno, I'll sleep on it or something. Not right now but, whenever I'll sleep. And walk around with just my wig cap on my head for a while to "test the look". Well, if I squint real hard in dim light it might almost kinda look like a bald head...

Oh btw, if I'll do it... I won't keep the hair itself as some kind of trophy or memory. I'd just trash it. Cause I have enough nostalgic things in my apartment that is literally just trash. I need to move the fuck on from that sort of hoarding too. I'd still have all the pictures of how I looked with it on my head. That's better than the whole fucking nasty bundle of it in a drawer.

(And about the title of this entry, it comes from the old saying "strength in numbers" but in a sarcastic way, as in, I shouldn't rely my strength on how much or what kind of hairs I have on my head and/or body.)

This year is starting to get kinda intense... in the sense that this year so far is the most fucking intense one of my life so far, and if I'll also face yet another one of my biggest fears: shaving my head, I'm gonna deserve more than just a medal, okay?! Fuck, 2018 is one heck of a roller-coaster... I wonder how much will have changed by the time of New Years Eve. I barely every recognise January-me of this year compared to this October-me. So now I'm really curious what December-me will be like, looking onto the next January-me with bright eyes... and I wonder what I'll be promising the stars for the next coming year. I'm looking forward to it.

Where I stand

I know I don't put up much of my thoughts regarding the EU selection that is going on a lot right now. I do have an opinion, and I do also know how I'm going to vote. I am not ashamed over my views, I just don't like picking fights or create a lot of reactions. I'm not very educated, and I don't plan to become either. I'm lazy, and politics bore me half to death. I do however put in a comment or two about SD and their shit on other people's statuses on Facebook, but that's it. I do that because I know it's something we agree on, something that won't lead me to be attacked.

I'd rather keep my mouth shut about everything, but I suppose I can't help myself when it comes to that. Cause maybe it feels more important for me to let my friends know for sure that I'm not your enemy, even though that should be self explanatory since I chose to be your friend for a reason.

I don't particularly like discussing politics or reading up on it. I do however, try to understand most of it, the whole picture you know, so that I can form a somewhat reasonable opinion. Does that mean that I shouldn't have a right to vote, because I might make a faulty decision based on how I interpret a specific party's propaganda? I sure hope not. Maybe I am buying some shit, and maybe that's why I hesitate to discuss it. I can't defend my own opinions, but I know my rights.

I live in my own little world, the one that mostly goes on in my fucked up brain and not so much in society/reality. (What is real, anyway?). I'm selfish, a socialist and I only care about the now, the moment of here and today, and not the least about the future or the parts of the world I'm not directly affected by. Besides, I hope for this tragic world to come to an end. I don't think it can ever get better no matter how I vote.

Just let it rest, the world won't fall apart if your favourite party won't win the battle. Did I mention I was selfish? Sometimes stupid as well. I know that it's a sign of weakness when one shies away from expressing one's opinions about something, anything really.

But you know what? It's private. I'm not private about much, but I am private about my political views. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right to be open about it. I'm okay with discussing it with those that I trust. Sorry if it comes as a shock or something, but I don't even trust half of all my friends. Most of you, to be honest. And I'm not so keen on telling everyone about it. Unless I'm drunk, then I might.

The ghosts in my mind

I'm feeling misplaced. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere I can't remember, like I'm supposed to do something, be something that I cannot become, have something I cannot retrieve. I feel so lost. Wandering, echoing like a shadow in the distance. Floating, detached, lonely. I don't feel like myself at all. Where am I? Who am I?

How much better am I really? I can't tell what's real anymore, I still can't differ dream from reality, am I dreaming? Maybe it's not my dreams that are so real, but my reality that is so dream-like. I can't put my feet down, it's like I can't feel the earth no matter how far down I try to reach. Do you ever get that feeling, like you're so detached you've forgotten how to re-attach yourself?

I wonder. Am I happy somewhere inside, am I really gonna give life a chance? Yes, to the latter. But I don't know how. I know what I need to do but I just can't. Can't, can't, can't, can't. I'm so scared I don't know what I should do. What would be right, should I try to hold on without help? I can't keep this up much longer. If I don't act, I'm afraid I'll fall apart again.

But that's the thing: I know I have to fall apart again, really hard, for the doctors to take me seriously, for them to understand how fucking serious this is. And I'm depending on their understanding, I always have been. I'm depending on their opinion because how else are they gonna help me? But I'm afraid it will be too late by then.

That I know I will need to stress myself enough to trigger a psychotic episode, get into the emergency psychiatric ward again and then get some sort of diagnosis and help. It's a sick world we live in, believe me, but I do know the psychiatric system pretty well by now. I've been involved in it for ten years after all. I know that is the only way, to let them see it with their own eyes.

When that day comes, whenever that will be. I have a sensation that it will be sooner than I can wait. I don't think I'll die from it though. No, what I fear is worse than death. Death would be freeing, a solution to an endless problem. What I fear is imprisonment in my own mind. That I will make it worse by not getting any treatment for it. It started already about a year ago, (not counting in Anna) and though I have been feeling fine in longer periods of time, it has struck me out of the blue several times and I just had to pretend it was just anxiety, worry, too many "thoughts" (yes, read voices) and that my actions were self harm alone.

Cause it wasn't, you know. I have come to my doctor saying I have anxiety when I was delusional and fearful of things that weren't there. I have harmed myself to get rid off bugs crawling under my skin, worms in my eyes and mysterious tingling feelings allover my body. I told people that my head was filled with more thoughts than usual when it was voices I was hearing. Even in a meeting I had to bite my lips hard to not scream at the voices to shut the fuck up because I couldn't hear what my doctor was saying.

Desperately popping more pills in an attempt to control all those things, thinking more anxiolytics could control my fear of the scary unknown territory of my own mind. My head hurts like hell, I can't stop chain smoking and I just took some Zyprexa. But does it help? Well, it does sometimes, for a little while. Zyprexa is also an antipsychotic medication, I can't do much else than hoping it has some effect on my ghosts. Shit, I really need to get to a doctor... hopefully I can hold on until June, it's not so long after all, just a few weeks...

The darker half

I had a meeting with that welfare officer again today, and I was pretty blunt with her. She noticed my personality change and said I was different this time. I don't know what to think of that, didn't think it was actually that noticeable.

Anyway, I finally asked her why we're having these meetings, what's her role in this whole deal. She said my doctor (who left me) wanted me to have someone to check up on me meanwhile I'm waiting for another doctor. Especially regarding self harm and suicidal thoughts. She got worried, that welfare officer, that I wasn't gonna see my shrink until August again. I told her I could just get in contact with my shrink whenever if I needed her. She still didn't want to let go of me.

Fucking cunt, I despise her. I don't need more people who think they need to look after me. My whole life is care takers and shrinks and doctors and I'm so sick of it. So sick of being treated like I'm a fragile little glass doll. I might not be able to take care of myself, but I'm very capable of making my own decisions.

I'm on a waiting list to see my new doctor, which will probably be sometime in June. I really need to see her, cause I think I need to up my Abilify, but don't know how to handle that. I need it for my psychotic tendencies, but I can't mention that. Seriously, I'm shifting personalities and seeing signs and messages everywhere. I'm on the brink again and I really don't want to fall down into that black abyss again.

So I don't know how to handle that. I finally succeeded to get antipsychotic drugs, but they're not doing shit and I can't tell doctors that I'm psychotic. Someone please kill me now... I don't know how much longer I can handle this on my own.

Shit, I'm still the dark me and I can't shift back. What if one day I get stuck like this? If I one day can never shift back? I realise that when I was reckless and didn't care about anyone, when I had thoughts of cannibalism and murder with sociopathic tendencies, when I was cold and heartless: I was the dark me. I don't want to fully become that. It scares me. Maybe I have no reason to worry, but it still scares me.

Even if I don't need to worry, I still believe there is a small chance of that to happen. I've heard about it before, in other people's cases. So I have heard about it before then? Not necessarily personality shifts as such, but of people who have been through traumas that they start to shut down eventually, gradually, until they're not themselves anymore. I'm afraid of that happening to me.

I'm just making it worse by not doing anything about it. I'm getting desperate. I'm not even sure that antipsychotic drugs can help me with that. I need to talk it out with my shrink, but first I need to survive the summer and the autumn and possibly the winter as well. Yeesh, things are going so damn slow and I'm falling so fast.

I really hoped I could meet them in Huddinge and fill out the papers for Rättsliga Rådet already this summer, but of course they're all on leave/vacation. I really hoped I could get my gender reassigned before the autumn, but no. And then things will take even longer after that. I have don't have all the time in the world, okay? Don't think they realise that, cause I won't tell them why. Just hurry the fuck up you fuckers, I don't wanna be stuck like this forever.

Hell is living without you

This joyride cannot last if I can't find a way to hold on to it. It's been two months and all I do is sit on my ass cause I'm afraid I'll break down again if I got up. And I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid that I might not want anything at all. There's the war in my heart as well, that as long as my only wish is to be with K it's not gonna be easy to find something else to aim for, if you know what I mean.

I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.

This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.

I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.

So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.

Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.

I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.

I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?

Loving you since June

I'm afraid K might fall in love with someone else. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to know what I would do if that happens. Too painful just to think about. I'm so scared of it, scared I will come clean about my feelings for him too late. Afraid he's gonna say that I could have had a chance but not anymore. I could even be years too late... what do I know.

That would be even worse than total rejection. But it could also mean that I could keep on waiting for him, cause he could fall out of love again and reconsider me. At least that could be possible, right?

I've known him but not really known him since about 2010, I think. Could have been before then. I honestly don't remember exactly when and how we came across each other online, but I have an idea. That still bugs me, cause I want to be able to tell that "there and then was when we met" you know. Now it's like he's always been in my life.

No, I will never let go of him. Even if I would have to wait a whole lifetime through until we are old and grey, and I think I'll keep loving him even after I die, whenever that will be. I've never felt like this for another person ever before. Is that sad? That my love for him runs so deep that I'm prepared to wait for him forever if it would come to that. I think that even if he rejects me I still wouldn't let go. I'll never stop loving him. Will I waste my life loving someone unobtainable? Is he even unobtainable? There's so much I don't know.

But isn't it kinda sweet too? That he can always rely on me that I'll love him no matter what. Unconditionally. Cause he really can, trust me with that, I just don't know if he knows that. I'll tell him though, when we meet in person, and I'll try not so sound like a total creep cause I'm so obsessed with him. Blinded by love. Is that creepy? Yeah, I've made my decision. I'm gonna tell him.

And I listen to David Bowie's song "As the world falls down" and think of K. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill is gone, wasn't too much fun at all. But I'll be there for you, as the world falls down..."

Open

I'm bored and can't think of anything to do or write about. Should look into my autobiography again. Been starting to write about last year. Since a lot of shit happened then I put it in a chapter for it alone. Dreading when I'll have to read it all (all of it) through and edit things, put the chapters in a decent order and see if I've missed something important or of there's something I want to delete. Probably gonna take me days. But I will finish it someday, I promise!

I don't intend to shock people with my story, but it might appear that way cause it's gonna be pretty graphic. I just want to get my story out. Though I'm not including absolutely everything, just as much as I'm comfortable with, and that is a lot.

Some people might not realise that, that I'm comfortable with sharing even my darker thoughts and things that I'm apparently supposed to be embarrassed over. I've always been like that, even when I was bullied I wasn't afraid of making a fool of myself. There are very few things that are too personal for me to discuss openly, or at all, and I can easily count them on one hand.

Some things that I've done, thought or felt. Things no one would even want to know about, or even if they would want to know they would most definitely not like it. Most of what I carry around is darkness with a few exceptions, but those things that I hide... they're pitch black.

Maybe that's just the way it is. That if I was more inhibited or cautious about how open I am, I would have less to hide, and the other way around. That maybe because I'm so comfortable being open about my trans identity, the rape I went through, self harm, mental illness, the bullying, suicide attempts and so on; I have to hide even darker things. Like no matter how open you are about your bad sides, you still have something that is even worse inside you that you don't want anyone else to know about.

No one is completely open because of this. We all have our levels of tolerance, like how much of our insides we can tolerate for the world to see. I happen to have very high tolerance, but I think that is only because I know I can draw the line further to easier hide what is really worth hiding. I'm not just talking law breaking, I'm talking really awful things.

Yeah, there is something that is nagging at me there, wanting to tell but it's like I just can't. Want to push that tolerance even further, be open about exactly everything. And then that crap just showed up from deep in my memories last summer, and I suddenly understood why I've always been a bit uncomfortable around cops. I've been good these last few years at least, so I don't have anything to hide from then on... So yeah, that recent. 2011 I think. My god, what the fuck was up with that year!?

Some years of my life, just saying. Those are: 1998, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2009, 2011 and 2013. I'm starting to see a pattern... so what atrocities are gonna happen to me next year then? There's always something new that sort of strikes me like a lighting from a clear sky, so with a little anticipation I'll look forward to 2015 to see what more crap I'll be getting. Yes, I said anticipation. I'm ambivalent about my future.

But as I said, I'm open about almost everything. I'm comfortable talking about things people don't want to hear. I discuss deeply personal stuff at the dinner table. I'm the one who opens up at a party even before I get my first drink. The only reason I've been holding back IRL lately is because I know people become uncomfortable with me sharing absolutely everything like it's perfectly normal. I'm trying to add in some decency in my life, though I'm not a very decent person and I don't live a very decent life.

Wow, this became a very long entry about openness. The bottom line is that I don't know where to draw the line. Of what is okay or not okay to share about my life. I never tell other people's secrets or even things that I don't know if they are secret or not. You just have my trust completely even if we're just acquaintances. I will take your secrets with me to the grave.

It's when it comes to myself that I just can't keep my mouth shut. It shouldn't be a problem - cause how the hell can being so very open about oneself be a problem? - but it is. Not necessarily a problem I'll take into consideration, but still. People can be embarrassed because of me or even ask me to shut up. Sorry guys, but it's my fucking life and if you don't want to hear it, just shut your fucking ears.

When to stop and start

I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.

Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.

I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.

Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...

Can't just leave it alone

I've noticed something. When people don't understand what someone is saying they rather maim them than try to understand. I'm reading up on some threads in a favourite online forum, and there's a new member there. That doesn't happen every day, it's still a rather small community. I say "still" because I've been a member there since just a few months after it was created, somewhere in either 2009 or 2010. Can't remember exactly.

Anyways, this new member seem to have a rough time trying to "fit in" with the established group and jargon there. (Maybe this is why there comes new members so seldom there?) I think I understand her just fine, but everyone else are so mean to her. I don't know what to say, cause I don't think I can explain what it is that I understand that the rest of the members quite obviously don't.

They are always so sensitive there and seem to have a hard time accepting new ideas and thoughts about things discussed there. I won't say which forum it is, but maybe some of you know which it is that I'm talking about. I like that forum, I really do, but sometimes it tends to become a little... elitistic.

I've obviously learned the jargon there since I'm one of the veterans, but I get tired of it sometimes. That I have to keep certain things to myself because I'm afraid they will start hacking on me too. Some subjects are just to be avoided in some situations, and some are to be avoided in all situations.

Many of my friends seem to think alike, and maybe cause that was the way I thought back when we became friends. Heavy on the "was" there. I change a lot and quicker than most people around me. I'm a like a sponge to new information and leave a lot of my opinions open for discussion, open for change. Thus, my personality is not fixed as would be the general way to exist.

I would not say it's hard to keep the friends I've had for a long time, it's more that I get more and more careful with what comes out of my mouth. Even when I'm drunk. Cause I don't want to create fights over my changed opinions and let them know that all of a sudden we're not so alike anymore. Cause I don't care about that. Being alike is not an important thing for me when it comes to friends. Keeping good friends is important.

Like my mother I encourage differences, cause that can make you grow as a person and you have something to discuss. But I also know that most people don't seem to share that opinion. Not really, not when it comes down to it. People want to have the same political views, the same religion or the lack there of, the same taste in music, same style of choice and so on. I can take a little battle over why I like a certain music artist that I'm not "supposed" to like. I can explain why I don't want to be a vegetarian and that's okay too and even kinda necessary. And I'm willing to talk about why I'm a Satanist and why I don't like Christianity as well. But I am open minded about religion, I really am.

But what I don't want to go into all the time is why I dislike the general idea of feminism, why animal rights are so boring to listen to, why I don't believe in a criminal justice system and so on. Things like that are just too exhausting to go into a battle with. And what's the point? Why would I feel a need to justify my beliefs? To get followers? I know there are people who agree with me somewhere out in the world, however insane or criminal they are, I'm not alone with my views. And even if so, what does it matter? Wouldn't that be sign of insecurity? And I'm not insecure, I'm just careful. Could be killed for less, you know.

Nah, I don't feel a need to bring it up. Not really and not all the time. Though sometimes it can be important to speak up if I feel a bit suffocated in a room full of people all agreeing on something I do not. Because my opinions are allowed to exist as well.

Well, back to the topic. I sense that that new member in that forum is a bit like me in a way. That she too has opinions that are a bit obscure or simply just different from the forum's jargon. And she gets maimed for it, because people refuse to understand and continuously reed between the lines and get offended for no good reason. They are so easily offended, it's tragic. I believe they have all right to be, but come on, you're human beings just like everyone else, you don't have to take everything personal all the time.

She has strong arguments, opinions that she has the right to have, but keeps getting misunderstood and I don't know if I should try to "rescue" her from the crowd. I'm not good at that, but I have done so a few times in previous situations. My motivation is that I simply care for outsiders, because I was like that too not so long ago, and I know what it's like to feel everyone is against you. 

I guess my reputation on the forum is important as well and I also guess I'm a bit afraid of becoming misunderstood myself if I do so. I have to think up a good argument that will be as solid as I can make it, without offending anyone. Wish me luck...

Denial and bargaining

Started a little with my coat/robe today, but my head is killing me so I couldn't continue. Took some measurements and cut out a large piece of fabric for the back part of it. I bought 4 metres of a lovely deep purple, velvet fabric. Fake of course, but very nice still in a thick, very smooth texture. Only a tailoring nerd like myself would find something to complain about it, if you catch my drift.

I still feel weird from yesterday and hesitating to take a shower, though I probably need one. Detached words from yesterday's conversations with the doctors and with my mother echo inside my head like little stones in an empty barrel. I can't understand. I knew my body reacts weird with healing, I knew it from all the piercings I've tried to have and I yet I went for the transplanted procedure.

I should have known, shouldn't I? Yet, there wasn't that much of other options, I knew that too. But couldn't I at least have thought about it? I mean I've had that surgery on my mind since I was 19 at least. Some time during those years from then on that thought should have popped up, shouldn't it?

I'm going through the five stages of grief and I'm currently shifting between denial, isolation and bargaining. Skipped anger though, or just haven't gotten there yet. Losing my tits was just getting rid of something that wasn't supposed to be there to begin with, like a tumour or something, but losing my nipples... well, that sort of feels like actually losing something. And I can't describe it, I'm not even sure if I want to.

So I'm trying to fill my head with nonsense instead. Something, anything, to keep my thoughts off that subject. But I feel so weak, physically, like as soon as I try to do something away from the computer I get tired so quickly and my head starts hurting more than I can handle. I can't focus on movies or books or embroidering right now. Can barely focus on WoW, barely on anything at all.

Bargain

A part of me now believes that I sold my soul to the devil for a nice body and luck in love. The down side would be that I will only live for a few more years, and then I will inevitably kill myself. I accepted that (though it took some time), but it wasn't until recently that I added one plus one, so to say.

Things have gone remarkably well lately, and always when I pray to Satan he fulfils my wishes. But to what price? That's why I didn't understand it before. When I signed that contract in my own blood, things started to change.

Have I not watched Ghost Rider?! Yes, I have and a gazillion other movies that depicts just how much of a bad idea it is to sign contracts with your own blood. Stupid fuck!

I don't know what will happen after I die because of this, but I think I only sold a part of my soul, not the entire kit. I don't even carry around all of my soul. Some of it is somewhere else, and incommunicado, you know.

I couldn't just let myself get ravaged by misery until I break and kill myself because my whole life just became a horrible mistake. I'd rather be satisfied for just two years and then kill myself because I know that my time is up. Leave this world feeling that at least I had something in the end. It's worth it, damn it's worth it.

I realise that for the bargain to work I still have to pray and work my ass off to achieve what I want for the rest of my life. Then what's the point? You might ask. The point is that I will be able to reach my goals without failing. It won't be and it isn't a fairytale magic thing. Satan can't make my scars after the surgery to heal miraculously over night, for example, but what he can do is to make sure that it heals well and without complications. (If that doesn't happen we're gonna have a little chat)

The bargain is about changing two major parts of my life for the better. The trans related stuff, and mostly my dysphoria. My body, in simplicity. Then it's also about my love, K, and my feelings for him. And that's why I still get depressions, nightmares, phobias, sleep- and eating problems and such. Cause that isn't a part of the bargain.

It is much, since my life literally depends on those two things. I can get by with bad habits (especially since I'm not gonna live so much longer) and most of my problems can be helped or fixed with medication and psychotherapy. But my dysphoria, and my fucked up heart... that I really needed some help with.

But of course this could all also be a delusion. It's not normal to believe that you sold your soul to the devil...

Care and hair

Another sleepless night. Though I don't get them that often anymore. Maybe once a week. Lied in my bed after waking up from a dream around 4:00 this morning, weighing pros and cons of getting up versus staying in bed. With the score of 3 vs. 4 getting up won.

I had my first dream in which I was post op tonight. In the dream I was lurking around the house where I grew up and met the husband of the family living there now (I have no idea who lives there now, but I think it is a traditional family, or so I've heard). We decided to take a road trip in the area and talk about whatever related to the fact that we had both lived in the same house, and then we totally fucked in his car. And yeah, I was post op in that dream...

It's like whatever "state" I'm in, it is reflected in my nightly dreams with only a few exceptions. Whether I was living as a girl, stopped trying to be a girl, angsty pre-everything transsexual, on hormones and now after top surgery.

Quite a journey, eh? When I look back I think it's nice to see how far I've gotten, you know. Maybe you do the same, cause we all change, even if you don't go through a sex change. It could be positive I mean, to rather see the progress to the better, than to be ashamed of how you've lived your life "wrong" before. Cause maybe it was "right" back then? I mean, maybe that was the only thing close to right you could do with what you had in amounts of time, events, courage, money, age and wisdom. I wasn't ready to transition when I was 16, wasn't ready to take that battle, so I can honestly say that I did what I could about the situation that I was in.

I need to wash my hair, cause it's getting nasty again. Can't decide if I should shower again though, cause that would be hitting the cap of allowed number of showers in a week. I'm way too impatient for my own good. Just let it be, let it heal, let it take the time it needs... Cause there really isn't anything else that I can do. But I just wanna inspect and see how it looks right about every five minutes.

Wanna bleach my hair again. Carefully as hell though, of course. Not a single drop will be anywhere near my chest. I'm always wearing protective clothes and towels to avoid skin contact and to not freeze my ass off meanwhile, so it should work.

But if I'm gonna bleach it today or tomorrow or whenever I find a good product to use, I really have to wash my hair first. But I could do everything in the sink if necessary. It's harder to reach everywhere and half my bathroom becomes flooded though. Maybe I'll decide later on.

The waiting is over, soon

Still spending most of my time living in Azeroth, (my second home, haha) and today I finally reached revered reputation with the faction "The Order of the Cloud Serpent" and purchased the recipe for the Sapphire Panther for 150 gold. So now it's just the fun things left... farming for gold and materials. Maybe I'll head off to Northrend for a little while, and continue to make gems to sell at the auction house.

I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.

I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.

I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.

I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.

Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.

I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.

I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.

There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.

Just venting

I've been repeating the phrase "oh my god" in my head for almost three hours now. I'm trying to decide if I should take up on that offer about surgery the 4th of February. It's merely a week. It's a surgeon who's name I didn't recognise and I can't remember it so I can't look it up. Do I want it? Hell yeah! But isn't a bit too soon? I mean, they could have told me a bit earlier.

Is there a chance I could talk to that surgeon before? I don't just wanna jump into it, cause what if something went wrong, what if he's not good at that sort of surgery? I don't just wanna "get rid of" my parts, I wanna look good as well.

I think my head is gonna explode. The woman who called me said she wanted me to call back already today, but come on, shouldn't I at least get one day to think about it? It's a huge thing, for god's sake! Of course I wanna have that surgery, of course I wanna have the result, but there are other things to take into consideration here.

It's not like I'm gonna have my tonsils removed, this is plastic surgery. Why do they call it that, by the way? I'm not gonna have any plastic put inside me. Anyway, this is very important to me, I mean very important. And it's just as important that it comes out with a good result. I'm not expecting miracles, but I don't wanna look like shit either. I don't want that surgeon to fuck it up.

That's the only reason why I hesitate, don't get me wrong. I also haven't stopped smoking like a chimney, which could be a small problem, but hardly that important. I really didn't count on it coming up in such short notice. Though they are very busy over there in that department, so it's probably because someone cancelled their appointment and I got it instead.

Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? Call my mother. Okay, she just said I had to think about it. Yeah, my head will definitely explode... More tea and cigarettes to calm me down. Writing lists on pros and cons. So far more cons, but the pros are stronger. God damn hard this is.

Yeah, I'm still repeating that "oh my god" while Anna tells me to stop cursing already. "It's not very productive and you don't even believe in God". Yeah yeah yeah, but I believe I just shun him and what does it matter anyway I need to vent god damn it.

Live or die

I've been in distress the whole day, and fighting to not lose it when I had to be social. My mother and sister came by, and it was clear to me that I needed their support and guiding for my shopping of various necessities. I faded out in the car when they were talking about something they thought was funny. I couldn't hear it, nor did I care. My mother asked me if there's anybody there (in me, as in was I present), and I just couldn't take my eyes of the air in front of me, but managed to say "no". That must be the closest thing to truth I've ever spoken these last few weeks.

I think I need to tell my mother about that part of me being suicidal and all, but I just don't want her to worry. I've started thinking that if I die everyone would be better off without me. I'm such a mess, causing everyone to worry. I can tell you have all given up on me. That I will never be happy, never have a career, never learn to drive, never start living. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have a friend, a brother or a son who has repeatedly tried to commit suicide for a decade. All I am is failure, my life was a mistake. I'm not saying you don't care, cause I know that you do, and that is why you worry, cause if you didn't care you wouldn't be worried.

No, I'm not yet planning anything. My thoughts of suicide are tangled in webs of incoherent words and brutal pictures in my head. I visualise how it could be like to jump, or rather just fall. Or would I faint? My fear of heights is extreme, you see. I imagine I would feel so dizzy and nauseous and that my heart would beat so fast. I can't imagine anything more scary, so why would I want to end my life that way?

These thoughts give me a headache. Beyond the fact that I already hurt inside cause I think my heart has tied a knot around itself. I don't want to die, I don't want to leave everything to never be able to go back. The problem is that I don't want to live either. I really, really don't want to live like this. What was it I said? That I have nothing to lose by staying alive because sooner or later we all die.
What kind of crap is that? As long as I'm alive I will always have something to lose. But the most ironic of it all, is that most of all, right now, I fear for my future. I fear that I will kill myself. That must be the definition of ambivalence. That I want to kill myself at the same time as I'm scared as hell that I'll actually do it. What a paradox I've gotten myself into.

I'm torn apart between them. Of not wanting to either live or die, being just as scared of living as I am of dying. But this little voice inside my head (not Anna) says: make up your mind, live or die. And a part of me so silently whispers that I can just barely hear it: I choose to die.

Getting the message through

I feel a bit better now. The dizziness has decreased and so has the cold sweating, but I'm shaking instead and feel very weak. If I could take it more easy than usually, I would. Meaning there isn't much more calmer things to do than doing nothing, which is kinda what I always do.

I've realised that I can't really show emotions, and that has lead me to trouble all through my life. Sure I'm good at explaining what I feel, I'm good with words. But I can't show it. Well, anger is the only exception. I believe that is why things haven't exactly been successful in my processes of seeking psychiatric professional help over the years. Especially in emergency psych-wards. They don't take me seriously, they never have. I get this huge vibe that their attitude is something like "it can't be that bad, you don't look upset".

And that's usually when I resort to serious self harm or suicide attempts out of sheer desperation and hopelessness, thinking no one and nothing can help me. Cause no matter how hard I try, I can't get the message through. It shouldn't have to be that way, I shouldn't have to risk my life in order to get help to survive. My terrible communication skills has lead me give up on ever getting the help I needed, which in my past has lead me to take matters in my own hands. Literally.

Language is so insufficient, when spoken only with words. It's hard to believe someone who looks neutral but talks about how overwhelmed by emotions they are. I wouldn't go as far as to say they think I'm lying, but more as if they think I'm exaggerating. Could it have something to do with my asperger syndrome? It doesn't seem unlikely to me.

This might sound stupid, but I've seriously considered "faking" a reaction to the emotions I feel. Like when I am very sad I'll force myself to cry or snivel. Or if I'm very scared I'll force myself to hyperventilate and just apply whatever appropriate body language to the emotion I'm experiencing. A fake smile when I'm happy might not be such a good idea though. Damn, this makes me feel like a robot or something...

Another stupid idea that sometimes gets to me is that I should stop communicating with words at all. Willingly become mute, that is. I thought of that just after I unwillingly became mute that one day in late June. My thought behind that is: that way I would be forced to communicate with my body language much more, and that would in time make me better at doing so. It's a stupid idea because it would probably do more harm than good.

Wouldn't be able to talk on the phone, have a meaningful conversation with someone face to face, speak up when someone says something mean to me, wouldn't be able to explain myself really. Now that would be quite a strife, if you think about it. I would most likely either crawl in under a rock somewhere and stay there, fall into depression - or become violent. Cause what would you do if someone is mean to you and you can't defend yourself with words? I think I'll skip that idea, but it is tempting somehow...

Drugs and priorities

Aw, fuck. WoW shut down for updates and won't be playable until 11:00 pm. It was the only thing I could find that helped me think of something else than all this fucking pain. That's why I play, that's why I play that stupid endless game! I hate you Blizzard.

One good thing worth mentioning though: I don't seem to be hypnophobic anymore. Maybe you already figured out, since I'm obviously back on my old sleeping pattern. My fear of sleeping just disappeared just like that. I gave up. Totally and completely gave up on trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep. I finally found a way to "let go".

Still over medicating in order to fall asleep though. Lergigan, Mirtazapin, Zyprexa and Imovane combined in large quantities. You're not supposed to take 15 mg of Imovane every night for longer than two weeks, but I just don't give a fuck about those stupid regulations. Just gimme the fucking pills so that I can fall asleep within 30 hours, is that really too much to ask of?

Nowadays I fall asleep when I'm... what was that word again? (Anna says: you don't remember the word you've been over using for months?) ...lethargic. And I get out of bed when I can't fall back to sleep again or wake up from a nightmare. Usually awake for 20-26 hours and sleep/stay in bed for 12-16 hours at a time. I can't fit into a 24 hours circadian rhythm, but nor do I care either. At least I vary sleep with being awake in some sort of acceptable pattern that doesn't make my brain melt. I believe this will be my last post tagged "hypnophobia".

Still wanting antipsychotic medicine, but keep dreaming huh? I'd rather fall apart mentally and die with a masculine body than perking up and die because I hate my body as it is now. Either way I'll die from suicide eventually, but still. That thing about leaving a beautiful corpse behind, perhaps. No it's all about priorities. And these fucked up priorities say something about what I would do to feel complete, body and soul, don't they? That I'd rather die than fuck up my chances on getting that surgery done. Any time anyone asks me if I really want to change my body to match my gender identity, I'll just answer that. I have my parents in mind, especially my mother seem to still have doubts about my certainty. If only she knew...

Make up my mind

This ambivalence drives me crazy. On one hand I really do want to go to sleep, I pine for it, miss it. On the other hand I want to keep staying up, cause what fun is sleeping anyways? I'm equally torn between those two and I can't make a decision. I just can't. I've tried for three hours to make up my damn mind, but it seems impossible.

This 100 hours thing is crazy, and I keep screwing it up all the damn time. Pushing myself to the breaking point and then getting angry with myself for not being able to push it further. Idiotically comparing myself to the last world record breaker who stayed up for 18 days and feeling like a failure for not even being able to go through 4 days. Something is wrong in this picture.

I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when you don't know where to put your hands in certain stressful or nervous situations. You keep trying different positions: across your chest, in your pockets, straight down along your sides, holding something, anything, but nothing feels right. I feel like that now, but with my whole body and mind.

Choices and voices

Vargyl: Stop talking about yourself as if you were someone else. I know what you're thinking, that I'm just a hallucination and you should discard me as such, but I know that you don't really think that. You're analysing too much. I'm not just a voice in your head and you know it.

Yeah, still torn between accepting reality and just wallowing in my fantasy world. Though he does intimidate me, so I don't know so much about the wallowing part. I know so little about him, yet I have so much to write about him. He seems cold. Like right through cold, emotionless, frigid, and I suppose that's what intimidates me about him. He says that he loves me, but his words are empty, shallow in a way. Still I believe him. I hate it when he pops out of nowhere, says something and it makes me jump out of my chair. Could ask for a little warning before, perhaps?

Yeah I am a bit afraid of my own mind. And all these people that seem to populate it all of a sudden. I'm never alone, I'm not even alone in my own skin. Though, it's not always bad. It can be quite nice to have some company sometimes. But it's irritating when they disturb my WoW playing so that I almost end up getting killed in the middle of a raid or something. The whole group wiped in a dungeon but I can't know for sure if I have Vargyl to blame for that, though he was distracting me.

I know that this gets worse when I'm awake for too long. After 24 hours I'm having a nervous conversation with Vargyl. After 30 hours Anna is starting to lose it and I'm starting to hallucinate visually, seeing stuff. After 40 to 50 hours I need to hold on to my desk because the floor is wobbling and constantly look over my shoulder cause I think someone is watching me. After 60 to 70 hours I'm tackling three conversations with Anna, Vargyl and Satan but gotten used to the other stuff. Passed that I've never gotten. Thankfully.

But is it a choice that I make to stay up way after bedtime, or is it rather involuntary? I sure as hell wouldn't choose hallucinations and delusions going haywire and creeping the fuck out of me, but I don't choose to sleep either. Perhaps I try to not choose either of them, cause I really hate making a decision. What I would do to not have to choose at all. Anything. Just leave all the options constantly available for when the right time comes. Why does everything have to be so black and white? They say there are grey zones, but when it comes to sleep/being awake there really isn't any greys in between.