How can he not know

I miss my love. Have I said that before? I miss him so much it feels like my heart is literally ripped to shreds every fucking day. When I wake up I remember him from my nightly dreams, when I look at my cell phone he's staring right at me, when I turn on my computer I instantly turn to Facebook and Tumblr to see if he's done any updates. Some times I think that maybe he saw my cell phone screen when I met him, and stayed the night, and there for maybe he knows.

I've been thinking that a lot, that it's possible that he actually already knows, but for some reason never said anything about it. Cause I'm living in my own head and think that I would know in his position. And also I think: how can he not know that he has a stalker? Or maybe more like a secret admirer without boundaries... 

Why did I have to fall for him? Is my heart more suicidal than the rest of me? I knew exactly this was gonna happen, I knew it. It feels like I can't live without him. And he's not even mine, he never even was. If I even stood the smallest glimpse of a chance, if he at least was single, and a little more closer to me. Well, figuratively he's as close as deeply embedded in my soul. But literally, he's miles and more miles away from me. There's a whole fucking ocean between us.That is indeed a problem.

But I have sort of plans to pay a visit to him again sometime in the spring, or late winter. If I'm allowed to, that is. I haven't exactly said anything yet. Ugh... I guess I kinda should... cause it would be bad on my part if he wouldn't welcome me, considering all sorts of circumstances that I won't mention. Too revealing.

But I'm revealing more and more every day, am I not? Cause a part of me so eagerly wants him to know, wants him to read my blog and understand.But I'm afraid to tell him. I love you so much N.