Distant

David Bowie's voice caresses my soul. I didn't know it needed to be caressed. The day turns to night and I realise the world outside is getting further away from me the every day. Every time I scroll past a piece of news online, every time my mind wanders to the depths of my thoughts and I forget that it's snow under my feet.

But do I want it to go away, or did I just forget how to care? The world at large holds no interest to me. What happens nation wide, about politics, the nature or welfare. Birds fly past me, sunsets glow in my shadow, far behind me. The real world but a distant photograph, buried in the past.

I live in a bubble completely secluded, away from the society. Even when I'm present with another human being, I'm not really there. If I find what's been spoken about in a conversation to be boring I just stop listen. Only answer vaguely if I'm asked a direct question about something I find uninteresting. It might even be interesting, and I still disappear into my thoughts. It's like I find my own mind more fascinating than the world outside of it.

I think it's this lovesickness, it has made me change. Because I shut out the whole world, lie to everyone to keep them at a distance, everyone but him. I've locked myself in this bubble where no one is allowed in, except him. It's like there's no space left for anyone else.

I've always known that for every time I fall in love, the next time will be stronger and more intense. But I could never even imagine it would get quite like this. I have gotten tunnel vision, and I have a sensation that much will get lost if I can't stop it before it's too late. Relationships will fall apart, contacts will be broken off, friendships will end, trusts will be broken.

I know I say that I don't want to be around anyone right now, but I'm clearly insane and not myself these days. Obsessive love for eight months is starting to take its toll. On my emotional life, my social life, in private and in public. Being so obsessed with only one person on the whole god damned planet has seriously fucked me up. Don't get me wrong, I was certainly fucked up since long before that, just that this is something else.

There's why reason people compare love to insanity, and as an insane person deeply in love... well, you get the math. But when I say I'm not myself, I don't even know who me is. Yet again, I can't look further than to my own nose. Only describe what's inside my head, I only know about that world.

Perhaps I'm not the only self absorbed liar trying to escape reality on this planet, but I just don't like what I've become. What love has made me become.