Synchronised chaos

I'm such a fool. I don't know what I'm doing regarding anything. I have so much going on inside it feels like I'm gonna burst soon. Yet I feel compelled to hush about it. The world has no business in what I find too private to share. But I'm getting desperate to get it out of me. I'm gonna spill my guts to my shrink when I see her 4th June. I'm gonna tell her all about K and what's been going on these past two weeks.

A lot of shit and happiness to be honest. I'm just clueless, desperate and fluctuating between feeling strong and weak. I still haven't shifted to the dark me yet, which I find to be a relief. I hate shifting, it's confusing a distressing. But maybe I want to. Don't know why, I don't know much at all. Everything is up side down and inside out and I'm allover the place.

Desperate to get things under control again. It's like I'm on a train running off the track and there's no way of stopping it. Just falling down a hill or something, rather than drowning. I don't know which is worst, to be honest. Drowning or falling. I don't feel my own feelings. I depend on his. I'm so synchronised with him it scares me half to death.

I've lost my senses. The five, you know, not my mind. I'm blinded and deafened by love. The rest I just don't notice. Well, obviously I've lost my mind too, but I never quite had one to begin with, so to say. Born crazy, muhahahaha!

I've been smoking a lot lately. Like really a lot. I get so nervous sometimes, and it's so hard to relax. I can't find peace within myself, it's all just chaos. I've been true to my words, about not lying to K about anything. Just one really small lie that I regret, so hopefully I won't do it again. I can't start out lying, that would be terrible. I still miss him very much, like wounds in my soul, tears in my heart.

Those butterflies in my stomach are more like wild, raging animals who knows no other than cruelty and madness. Tearing me apart, over and over again. This is becoming tedious and repetitive, but I have nothing else to share than my darkness and pain. I'm sorry for that.