Something wrong

Meh, just got four hours sleep tonight. Or well, I'm too alert to sleep and too tired to get up. But obviously I got up anyway. Got a cigarette craving too. Might as well log into WoW and do some Darkmoon Faire quests or something while I'm at it.

So now what. Do I sit up and wait for the stores and bank to open, or do I try to go back to sleep again? I'm so hungry my stomach aches. It's not even been 12 hours. Just came across the term "manorexia" after some googling yesterday. Just no. It's not a girl disease, men can have it too and they shouldn't have their own word for the same thing.

And yes, I am looking into anorexia sometimes, trying to understand or something. What to keep an eye open for, you know. Warning signs and stuff, and to scare myself from a possible future perhaps. Have one sandwich, feeling guilty with slight anxiety. Have half a pack of cigarettes, feeling fine. Something is wrong here.

What is anxiety anyway, is it a deep fear? Cause I get this uneasy, extremely powerful feeling that I don't know what it is, that I call anxiety. I don't think I'm actually scared when I get that, it's something else. I've tried to figure out exactly what it is, but I honestly don't fucking know. It's just intense and unbearable and shows up whenever. It's related to stress and gives me symptoms similar to anxiety. But I don't think it is.

I've started to notice that my way of experience "anxiety" is different from how other people experience real anxiety. It's hard to say if it's better or worse for them, since I can't possibly know that. But for others it seem to be fear. I could be wrong though, but I don't think so. So if I don't have anxiety, then what is it?

I wanna try making steaks again. I always seemed to fail before, cause it didn't taste much at all. Well, maybe not today. Today I'm gonna stress to the bank, buy food and cigarettes and then I'm gonna see my speech therapist possibly for the last time. Haven't been practising lately. Just forgot about it, until very recently when I got the appointment. Then I'm gonna spend some time with my family at their place for a couple of days. I miss the cats.

Really should try to get some more sleep, but I feel so damn stressed and hoping things will go well today. Worried about the bank thing. So hoping they're open, that I can afford it and what the hell am I gonna tell my mother when she'll notice that suddenly I'm 700 kr poorer? She keeps way too much track of my money, I can tell you.

Okay that new acne cream I bought is totally useless. It's salicylic acid in it, which is supposed to work for most people, but apparently not for me. Kinda knew that from before, come to think of it... Oh well, maybe I'll pay a visit to a dermatologist to get something that actually works. Hopefully whatever that is won't interfere with the cocktail of pills I'm already taking. Doubt it would though.

Gonna try and get some more sleep now, just a couple of hours until I need to get going.