Saw my shrink at around noon/early afternoon today and could tell her that I'm still feeling better and about some of the positive stuff that's been going on in my life lately. Though we didn't mention K, for some reason. I could have told her that I'm gonna meet him in July and that I'm gonna tell him how I feel for him when we meet up.
Cause it could have been worth saying that I'm still madly in love with him after 11 months (in late June it will be a whole year) and I've never been in love with someone for this long ever before. Been infatuated with, had a crush on or liked someone for longer periods of time, but not like this.
This is different from the guy I met through my karate lessons whom I had a crush on for three years, and it's different from the science teacher I was infatuated with for five years, simultaneously and over lapping as/with the previous. My first real boyfriend I was in love with for about five or six months, maybe a bit longer but not as intensively as how I love K. I was almost as deeply in love with Tomb, but only for about six or seven months.
That never came to me before, that realisation. That I've broken another record in love again. I keep doing that, for some reason, without intending to. Because no matter how intense, heart breaking, and for how long, it still can and do always increase.
Yes, my love for K truly is special. K truly is special to me. He's so beyond amazing I just can't control myself. Not anymore. May I come off as a creep, I don't care. I just know somewhere in my heart that he doesn't mind. He must have noticed that I'm always there, replying to his posts online, liking and reblogging faster and more than ever. Almost everything. Cause I don't give a fuck about my creepiness factor anymore. And how creepy can loving someone be?
Nah, I don't really think that creepy is the right word for what I am. Creepy would be invading his personal life, showing up at his doorstep or calling him constantly, acting as if I'm already in a relationship with him and so on. Creepy would be being a stalker.
I'm a small time internet stalker but all I want is to be near him, to offer comfort, guidance, inspiration, support, show him that I care about him. That I'm not afraid of his chaos, not repulsed by his darkness, that I feel such a strong connection with him because we're a bit alike. That I accept and love him for who he is, no matter what. That isn't creepy; that is sweet, kind and a little obsessive. Or do you not agree with me? Cause it's okay if you don't.
I honestly have hard time trying to define which side of the thin line I'm standing on. Is it sweet or creepy? Caring or stalking? Unconditional or obsessive love? I've become more daring, more safe in my own emotions. I might even tell you who K is someday. But first he must know. And secondly he has to be comfortable with me talking about him openly, which I of course would never demand from him to do. It's not that important, so if he wants to remain anonymous on my blog I would be totally comfortable with that.
Then today I've also had a few indirect conversations with K. Yes, even that can lift up my day tremendously. Indirect? Don't ask, it's one of my ways to not expose him. Sometimes if I write too much I end up regretting it and that's not good, since once it's posted it can end up basically anywhere online and in a lot of (or just a few) people's minds. And believe me, that's the last thing I want. So, better safe than sorry.
To make a shit ass long entry only about K, like why not? He is after all constantly on my mind, and a little more constantly today especially. Oh my god, I've totally miscalculated for how long I've loved him! The first picture of him that I've saved on my computer I saved May 31st last year. That is a clear sign and I think I'm gonna make it my own sad anniversary or something. Then it's just a few more weeks until it's been a whole year! My goodness, what ever happened there...
I didn't write anything about him in my diary at the time when I fell for him, cause I didn't want to. It wasn't until late July that I started writing about him. That's why it's so hard to pin-point exactly when I got lost head over heals. There was so much else going on in my life back then.
But yeah, I'm still worried about him alright. Afraid that he might fall in love with someone else. Afraid he might be a bit too much like me, in areas I'm not prepared to discuss here. But of course that doesn't make me any less interested in him, it rather makes me want to crawl up close to him and hold him forever and promise him that I will never ever leave and that I'll help him through his chaos as much as I possibly can. I want to protect him and help. But I don't know how. I don't even know if he would appreciate what I can give.
And then there is my romantical frustration. That sometimes it's so painful that I can't be near him. That he's not sitting or standing right next to me, holding me, kissing my forehead. When I crave holding his hand, going to sleep spooning, touching his hair, feel it gently touch my face. Having him that close with such intimacy that makes the air vibrate and the whole world around us to disappear. I crave mutual affection, closeness and simply his presence.
I miss him so much that sometimes I can't stand being so very far away from him. Like I can't live without him. Yes, tonight is such a time. I think maybe you already figured that out though, like 300 words ago. I look forward to meeting him in real life again so much that it actually hurts, physically. I'm desperately taking more Imovane and hope for some peace of mind and deep sleep. Too tired to continue writing.
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