Out of control

I don't want to play WoW, I don't want to do anything. I think I'm shifting again. But what can I do about it when there's nothing I want to do? Should take a walk. Buy a sandwich. Eat it. Smoke some more. Write some more. Maybe draw something, I don't know, anything.

Well, that didn't make me feel better. I'm kinda sad today, though not dark, not yet at least. I worry a lot. About the present and the future. I rarely worry about the future, but now I apparently do. There's something nagging at me, something I can't control, that I can't do anything about. It pains me, that it makes me feel so helpless. I can't control my fears and they are rising.

I wish I could just feel better sometime and not having so much to worry about all the time. All that anxiety that will probably never entirely leave me. And because it keeps changing all the time it's so hard to find a way to deal with it. So many different things causes my anxiety, like it's a life form of its own. And as soon as I think I understand it, then it changes again.

The reasons change. One day I'm having anxiety over one thing and the next day it's something else. It's very confusing. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure if it is anxiety. It could be something else. Despite how it may seem, I can't even define half of all my complicated emotions. They are in control over me, and I'm just desperately trying to tag along wherever they lead me.

Oh, I'm not done yet. I feel so lost, and I realised that much of my pain today is because I miss K. I miss him more than ever before and if I let my guard down I think I would break down and cry. But I don't want to. I'd rather stay strong, trying not to switch to the dark me again and just hold on to the here and now. I'm such an asshole when I'm the dark me and I don't want to be that. That cold and confident, it sickens me. So I resist it as far as I can, even though I know I would feel better if I shift.

*

Suddenly I'm just cold. Defence mechanism activated. One of them many. But this thing, I don't even know if it's new, or that I just realised it very recently. How new can it be? I don't remember shifting like this before. Not with such a clear difference between these two polar opposites, as it is now. Maybe it has just become this way gradually. It's possible, cause I think it yet is to become even worse.

I hope it doesn't turn into something like DID, that wouldn't be good at all. I really hope I won't get that divided. I'm trying to gather all of me and put into one jar, somewhere confided where I can just collect myself and become a whole person again. How many am I now? I don't really know. Am I me and Anna or are we divided and I am light and dark? And the voices I hear, are they me too?

Such a complicated mess and I don't even know half of it. I'm still pondering, wondering if I should come clean to my shrink about this. Still very much hesitating, but I don't want it to get even worse. I fear for my mind, the seams that are ripping, the tear in my soul. I'm breaking apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

How my whole personality just keeps on splintering into smaller parts. All those parts by themselves are easier to handle, but together make a mess out of everything. It's hard to describe, this way of falling to pieces. Like I'm literally falling to pieces and I can't put it back together again. I'm losing control, I'm losing my mind.

This is very confusing. It's like I'm becoming two different people, yet I already am two different people. That my soul got split the first time when I was 9 and the other half of me became Anna. And now what, the half of me that truly is me is also splitting up in two? I don't know who I am anymore, where I end or begin, what is me and what isn't.

And if this is true, what could it mean for my future? If I'm suddenly three people and I shift between two of them, this could just go on forever and I could keep splitting into more personalities. So do I really have Schizophrenia or DID or do I very much unlikely have both? Just bits and pieces of both conditions and I can't figure it out. I'm dissociating as well as hallucinating with delusions. I'm quite a chaos.

This is a very long entry, but I think it is important. I've never written an entry first as the light me then continued writing as I shifted to the dark me. If not else, I need it for some documentation. To see how much I change, if the difference between the two will grow or fade or stay the same over some time. I know I'm thinking far ahead, I'm just worried.

I was playing WoW when I shifted, and I felt it the entire time. It's hard to describe it, but it was a bit like walking into another room. It might not sound very special to you, but believe me, it was quite interesting. Though having Anna constantly bothering me during the process was a bit annoying. It was almost like she was scared of it.

Open doors

I finally brought it up with my psychologist. That I wanna talk about my traumas. Only took me about eight months to muster that... I lightly (well, maybe not so lightly) write about some of those ordeals, what I'm okay with sharing, but it's a whole different thing talking about it face to face with someone. Especially when I'm sober. I might even tell her not only about what I've been put through by others (which I have shared here and in real life) but also about what I've done to other people.

I'm not such an innocent little flower, you know. Or well, I don't know what got into me exactly at those times when those things happened. Probably must have completely lost my mind for a day or two. I still don't know why I did what I did, it's beyond me. I'm kind and caring and would never harm another living creature on purpose, would I? Except that I have.

And I can't wrap my head around that. Maybe there is evil somewhere inside all of us, just that I happened to be one of those who acted out on it. There's so much I don't understand about myself, but those things... I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me when I think about it.

Maybe I shouldn't, you know, think about it. If it pains me so much and I just get nowhere when I'm trying to sort it out. I just entangle myself in it and the problem only grows bigger. The problem that I can't accept myself for the awful things I have done, and I wouldn't accept anyone else for having done the same things either. There was a time when I thought "those people" should be locked up in prison, or even be executed. Would that justify a suicide? I don't know.

But I wouldn't wanna kill myself as an excuse to society, and those I've hurt by my deeds would only become devastated if I die. That is a problem. I suppose you're figuring out that it's someone I'm still in contact with, someone who knows me. Then you're right, but I won't say more than that. There's only two people by the way, that I hurt, if that's of any consolation at all. Better than three or five or ten, I mean. Though I'm not diminishing it.

I don't want to kill myself, and especially not for something that happened several years ago. I've had reasons, millions of reasons for suicide, but this has never been it. Is that wrong of me, thinking that I don't deserve to die, but that I have in my past thought that people who have done the same things rightfully deserved to die?

I mean look a society. We have a criminal justice system, and the state or something decides who should be locked up or not. I was too young for my first deed but had I been older and gotten reported I would most likely have ended up in prison or a likewise place depending on age. But then my gender would also likely have been confusing so you never know. Cause "girls don't do that" kinda crap, not that I was a girl, but you get it. There are certain things you wouldn't accuse a girl of doing. All I know is that most sane people don't want creeps who have done such things walking around on the streets. I could do it again, right?

Isn't that what the criminal justice system is made for, to stop criminals from acting out again? I can safely say that I will never ever lose my mind like that and do something like that again. Ever. But the thing is that I have already done it and once things are done they cannot be undone. I would if I could though. Oh, I so definitely would undo it if I could...

But back to where I was going with this. I'm very divided around the subject of right and wrong because of this. Cause if I would firmly stand by my words I would go against my own deeds, if that makes any sense. My sense of right and wrong is colliding. I'm the kid in a candy store telling everyone it's wrong to steal but still has stolen candy before in that store. But now we're talking much worse things than stealing candy. Very hush hush.

It's the only things I have never ever told anyone about. That's why I'm so nervous and hesitating to tell my shrink. I don't even know if I should. Things could get worse, if she decides she needs to "save" or whatever, the persons I hurt, then it could get really complicated. Really, really complicated. Of course I'll ask her if there's any chance she would do that first. Really push it out of her if I have to, cause I just can't take that risk. It would mess things up not only for me, so I'm not completely selfish.

I know of only one other person I would possibly tell, and that would be K, if he wanted to know that is. Cause that is how much I trust him, even though I don't know him so well. Though I bet you're all dying to know what horrible crimes I've committed. Or maybe you just want me to shut the fuck up about it already. But here it is. Maybe I am revealing more about it each time, I don't know. It's like it's trying to claw its way out of me, like a crazy bird or something. I have to force myself to shut up.




Maybe why I'm always so open... what if it's compulsive? That I'm sort of forcing myself to the brink, constantly pushing it a little bit further each time. Until literally my whole life is on display. No, I won't include those things in my autobiography. I'll leave a hint in the end of the chapter about when I was in 1st to 3rd grade, but I'll also say that it's not just my story to tell. I'm still trying to control myself as much as I can. I re-read and edit all of my posts and I ask myself, "would I be okay with everyone reading this?" before I decide if I should post it. I think that's it for now. Just needed to vent a bit.

When to stop and start

I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.

Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.

I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.

Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...

Can't just leave it alone

I've noticed something. When people don't understand what someone is saying they rather maim them than try to understand. I'm reading up on some threads in a favourite online forum, and there's a new member there. That doesn't happen every day, it's still a rather small community. I say "still" because I've been a member there since just a few months after it was created, somewhere in either 2009 or 2010. Can't remember exactly.

Anyways, this new member seem to have a rough time trying to "fit in" with the established group and jargon there. (Maybe this is why there comes new members so seldom there?) I think I understand her just fine, but everyone else are so mean to her. I don't know what to say, cause I don't think I can explain what it is that I understand that the rest of the members quite obviously don't.

They are always so sensitive there and seem to have a hard time accepting new ideas and thoughts about things discussed there. I won't say which forum it is, but maybe some of you know which it is that I'm talking about. I like that forum, I really do, but sometimes it tends to become a little... elitistic.

I've obviously learned the jargon there since I'm one of the veterans, but I get tired of it sometimes. That I have to keep certain things to myself because I'm afraid they will start hacking on me too. Some subjects are just to be avoided in some situations, and some are to be avoided in all situations.

Many of my friends seem to think alike, and maybe cause that was the way I thought back when we became friends. Heavy on the "was" there. I change a lot and quicker than most people around me. I'm a like a sponge to new information and leave a lot of my opinions open for discussion, open for change. Thus, my personality is not fixed as would be the general way to exist.

I would not say it's hard to keep the friends I've had for a long time, it's more that I get more and more careful with what comes out of my mouth. Even when I'm drunk. Cause I don't want to create fights over my changed opinions and let them know that all of a sudden we're not so alike anymore. Cause I don't care about that. Being alike is not an important thing for me when it comes to friends. Keeping good friends is important.

Like my mother I encourage differences, cause that can make you grow as a person and you have something to discuss. But I also know that most people don't seem to share that opinion. Not really, not when it comes down to it. People want to have the same political views, the same religion or the lack there of, the same taste in music, same style of choice and so on. I can take a little battle over why I like a certain music artist that I'm not "supposed" to like. I can explain why I don't want to be a vegetarian and that's okay too and even kinda necessary. And I'm willing to talk about why I'm a Satanist and why I don't like Christianity as well. But I am open minded about religion, I really am.

But what I don't want to go into all the time is why I dislike the general idea of feminism, why animal rights are so boring to listen to, why I don't believe in a criminal justice system and so on. Things like that are just too exhausting to go into a battle with. And what's the point? Why would I feel a need to justify my beliefs? To get followers? I know there are people who agree with me somewhere out in the world, however insane or criminal they are, I'm not alone with my views. And even if so, what does it matter? Wouldn't that be sign of insecurity? And I'm not insecure, I'm just careful. Could be killed for less, you know.

Nah, I don't feel a need to bring it up. Not really and not all the time. Though sometimes it can be important to speak up if I feel a bit suffocated in a room full of people all agreeing on something I do not. Because my opinions are allowed to exist as well.

Well, back to the topic. I sense that that new member in that forum is a bit like me in a way. That she too has opinions that are a bit obscure or simply just different from the forum's jargon. And she gets maimed for it, because people refuse to understand and continuously reed between the lines and get offended for no good reason. They are so easily offended, it's tragic. I believe they have all right to be, but come on, you're human beings just like everyone else, you don't have to take everything personal all the time.

She has strong arguments, opinions that she has the right to have, but keeps getting misunderstood and I don't know if I should try to "rescue" her from the crowd. I'm not good at that, but I have done so a few times in previous situations. My motivation is that I simply care for outsiders, because I was like that too not so long ago, and I know what it's like to feel everyone is against you. 

I guess my reputation on the forum is important as well and I also guess I'm a bit afraid of becoming misunderstood myself if I do so. I have to think up a good argument that will be as solid as I can make it, without offending anyone. Wish me luck...

Losing you

It's like I've lost a part of myself, when I lose myself completely and can't find my way back without guidance. Maybe not even with, cause maybe there is no way back. I look at him and I wonder. For the first time, a thought slipped into my head: why can't I stop loving you? I've never wanted that, I didn't think that I did. Perhaps the pain is finally exceeding what is wonderful about it.

And now as I see clear, or clearer at least, I think new insights are possible. That I'm not so blinded anymore. The risk of becoming "safe" with emotions is that they may fade. I don't want them to fade, it would be like losing you. Though I never had you to begin with, and with no intention of owning you, it still feels like I'm losing you somehow. When in fact, I'm only losing some of those feelings. I hope not, I want to cling to them, I need to whether I'd like to or not.

I have to because they are my life force now and they always were. That thing that I wrote earlier about them being essential for my survival. And even though I'm much stronger now, I can't take the risk. I may fear the weirdest things, but I think I have good reasons to. Past experiences, for instance.

Though I didn't die last time, it was a hell to get through and I know I did everything wrong, but I did what I could at the time being. I might as well have died, you know. Cause something inside me did. It was like a part of my soul was brutally ripped out at the same time as my heart was broken. When suicide was the only option. Five times I tried, but I don't know, it was like I gave up after that. Like I just understood that it was out of my power, that I couldn't control destiny or what happened to me. In the past or the future. The destiny that I never wanted to believe in, cause it was so cruel.

That little relapse into the suicidal drama I had last summer really had nothing to do with love. It was only fear, and I tried to escape a horrible future. I was in love already, as I clinged to his picture and hesitated to mention him in my suicide letter. Thinking I didn't want him to know if I died, that it would put a terrible burden and sorrow on his part. I'm considerate that way.

No, it's like love is my drug to survival, ironically. Cause it's also my ticket to death, but it's two sides of a coin, you know. I think a lot of things work that way, that you can always turn them up-side-down and they become their opposite. The cure becomes a poison so easily. Love is so fragile that way, I've come to realise. And dreams are too.

So what can I do, but to hope that my love for him won't become my poison? I still have so much to learn, and I want to know about the good sides of love. I crave it so intensively, but all I've ever had are impossible dreams and chanceless hopes. Hence why I almost always tag these kind of entries with both "hope" and "hopelessness" cause it's always a sting of both.

Yeah, I feel as though I will never experience that. True love. Cause no matter who I fall in love with it's always the wrong person, cause either they have the wrong sexual orientation or they're already seeing someone or they live 100 miles away. Or heck, why not all three for a change?

No, I will never fall in love again. If that means cutting myself off from humanity all together, then so be it. I've had enough of unrequited love for a lifetime or maybe even two. I don't even know for sure if this is unrequited, I leave that option open for just a little longer. Cause you never know until you know. And I don't know, not for sure. The problem is though that I don't want to know. It is not an option that I want to cross over on my pending list of eternal doom, you know what I'm saying?

Perhaps I'm not so clear in all my scribbles sometimes, I can get a little fast with the keyboard sometimes, now when I write as fast in English as in Swedish it can get kinda wild. What I meant is that if he was to tell me it's never gonna happen, I'm sure that I will fall and I won't be coming back. Ever. That last fall which of course will be both figuratively and literally meant and I will make sure I won't survive it. Jump high enough and there will be nothing left but meat loaf. But enough about my wild fantasies, which I shouldn't share that often, it's creepy.

So yeah... I'm planning my own death but at the same time I don't want to do it. It's just that I know that it has to be done. That there is no ther way. And I hope that I won't need to in a very long time, but I don't think it will be in such a long time. I've been keeping that part from my shrinks, but only because I don't want to be marked off as another hopeless case. I know I need whatever help they can give me in the form of pills and meetings. And I've been meaning to take up that dealing with past traumas kinda shit, but I just can't muster it. It's tearing me apart just thinking about it, so how the hell can I bring it up? And no, I can't tell my mother to tell them, cause I can't muster that either. One day... one day I might.

I got off track, sorry. I just can't find a way to finish this entry, cause there is no finish, there is no punch line. It just goes on and on and sometimes on hold and sometimes stronger, but it never ends. Maybe all I can say is that love will tear me apart, one day or another.

In past tense

I remember a lot from our relationship, I realise when thinking about it. I have conversations in my mind about us hooking up, just as friends. How far I've come since we broke up, how much is different now. Would we even recognise each other? How can I ever know.

The memories are haunting me like ghosts, and I don't know why all of a sudden. It's been over five years since we last saw each other, and now I get flashbacks and imaginary conversations. Why now? Is it that five years means something, is it a special number of years somehow? Cause I wonder, it must be something.

Well, at least it's not any negative flashbacks, but that's what is bothering me. If it was negative then maybe I could understand it. I've moved on a long time ago and I've never had a reason to look back, other than to acknowledge the fact that it is a part of my past. And I've always been fine with that.

I just can't shrug it off, you know. Do I want us to get together again? No, I hardly think so. Maybe I'm just curious what became of him, what stories we could tell each other from the years we've been apart.

But that I enjoy those thoughts of us, and I let them continue and that I find solace in them somehow, might also be a bit of a pet peeve.

But of course, it was after all the only relationship that I've ever had in which both me and my partner were deeply in love. That does become a special bunch of memories altogether. That I've never been anywhere near those feeling again or before that relationship. And I long so badly after having that again, with someone else. Yes of course, that must be it. It's not actually him that I miss, it's what we had.