False dichotomy

Okay I just got back home from the lgbt cafe thing and maaaan am I tired! It was good though. We were only 5 people (me included) this time and I recognised 3 of them from before. The last 30 or so minutes of it (it's only for 2 hours, which I think is just long enough!) it was just me and the guy who hosts the event. We talked about cats for like 15 of those minutes. That was nice. He's really kind and sweet. Like he's the kind of guy I don't think anyone could ever feel threatened by.

But I'm not in the mood to write about that right now. I've held this in since just before I had to leave to go to the bus at 3:40 pm... At around 2 pm I wrote a comment to a post in a bisexual group on facebook... and apparently mods thought it was such a horrible comment that they muted me! I got so angry it's been brewing in me all day since then! Fuck! No, it wasn't a "horrible" comment but it was an "unpopular" opinion, and pretty fucking clearly unwanted. What pissed me off so bad was that EVEN THOUGH I had been super kind and polite about stating my opinion and tried real hard to not invalidate anyone with it... it was still deemed "not okay" for me to utter it.

It was met with pretty harsh criticism. Since I got back home again, that comment of mine has gotten 9 "angry" reacts, 1 "like" and 1 "love" react. It got some 5-6 angry comments and 2 kinda passive aggressive ones. I got muted before I could even get the chance to explain myself. It felt like I was being silenced for having "wrong think" like in that old, classic of a book called "1984" by George Orwell. I've read that book and it's a dystopian novel which the current culture climate is eerily similar to. Orwell described in his book that "wrong think" was thoughts and feelings that the government in that dystopic world had banned, and you get punished and silenced if you'd dare utter them. He was way ahead of his time, Orwell, as he write that book back in the 1950's. Or well, it basically just describes communism, I guess. Well what did I say in my comment then, you may wonder?

Well, this:
"I think it can be a matter of perspective. In my opinion there's only 2 genders, but I'm also supportive of nonbinary and I do understand intersex. Cause being both or neither male/female is not a third gender but simply a combination of the two or a lack of both."

Not THAT bad, right? Wrong. Apparently, cause it unleashed hell! Some of the replies I got to it was:
"See let me put it this way. Is bisexuality just a combination of hetero and homosexuality or is it its own identity? In the same way, nonbinary identities are their own even if they're comprised of aspects you may see in binary genders."

And:
"Your opinion is bad and wrong.
There are more than two genders. Period. This is a fundamental point you need to understand if you want to talk to, or about, trans people."

And also:
"You say you're supportive, but you're trying to change what nonbinary means. It's any gender outside of the societal man and woman dichotomy. Not all nonbinary are a mix of the two, or neither. They're are many, many genders that are not dependent on man and woman existing.
Please educate yourself further"

I'll add this one too:
"it’s easier to just say nothing when you’re not non-binary. Non-binary people understand our identities way better"

And why not this one:
"Imagine believing there's two genders and believing you still support nonbinary people lmao"

Also this little gem:
"Sounds like you're not even trying to hide your enbyphobia but okay"

Also this one cause it's the only actually at least half reasonable response:
"I understand your point, as a non-binary person. There are two binary identities, but the various combinations of both or lack of both binary genders are what makes the other gender identities. Essentially, you make sense, but it’s also a bit of nb erasure. That being said, third + genders have existed outside western culture for centuries."

I'm the one who should be crying bigotry here. They're literally trying to force their opinions onto me as if they were somehow facts, but everyone with half a brain knows that is not factual. It's a belief. It's a perspective. It's an opinion. Call it whatever the fuck you wanna call it, but I won't call what you call it cause I don't see it that way. Period. End of argument ...I wanted to say.

Yeah... I really wanted to respond to that crap but I can't. Cause fuck letting the dissendents speak, right? Let's just shut them up until they either learn to agree on every single point and have reached a mindless state of total equilibrium... or until they just disappear. I hate this part of the lgbt community. The vicious fucking snakes who think they can control people's minds by shoving their own crappy, unreasonable shit opinions down people's throats. Fittingly... apparently it's "national nonbinary day" today. Oh the irony. Well I think I'd rather eat my fucking socks than ever celebrate something so fucking pathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what other people consider their genders to me. People can identify as a fucking house plant if they want to, I don't give a fuck. But what I do have a huge problem with, is when I'm not even allowed to simply state my opinions of nonbinary in a kind and civil manner, in a group that's not even about gender identities!!! And also I've no fucking obligation to even accept nonbinary just because I'm bisexual. If I'd so only want to ever date binary cis men and women no bloody fucker can ever argue I'm a "bad bisexual" or "less bi" than some other fucker who has no standards what so ever but an ego in the size of fucking Jupiter. And that's not even as strict as I am! Cause I do date trans people as well as cis people, but can anyone blame me for being weary... and wary, of nonbinary people?

I may be old school but I'm not hateful. Since when did "allyship" get replaced with mind-control and worship? I refuse to be a "nonbinary ally" if that's the requirement. They've lost their fucking plot.

Well I sent a private message to one of the admins of the group, but so far no reply back. And I doubt I will get one later either. If I get banned from that group I wouldn't even care. Cause I don't wanna be part of a group that silences differing opinions just because they can. If that's the case I'd even leave on my own. Freely.

And no, I could never even dare to date a nonbinary person. Not unless they'd first fucking prove to me that they're not a hateful shitstain with a superiority complex like 99,9% of them seem to be. They're off my dating radar. And I don't even care if that's sexist or in any other way "too discriminatory" cause dating is actually the thing you're supposed to be allowed to be discriminatory about. Just like straight people exclude dating others of the same sex, or like weirdly picky people may exclude brunettes from their dating radar. Me excluding nonbinary people is really no different. It's within my right to do so, especially when it's for my own mental well-being.

Cause I can't be expected to be able to sift out the one or two actually decent nb people from the masses of snakes. So here's how it is: as soon as any potential partner says anything along the lines of "btw I'm nb" I'll just take off and run for the fucking hills. Decline any further dating. Lose out, whatever. Cause I'm just not willing to take that kind of risk. I've been with enough manipulative assholes. And yeah, people can call it "enbyphobia" however much they want, but I'm gonna go ahead and disagree and call it common fucking sense and self-preserverance.

Ugh, that just kinda ruined my day. But I could at least take my mind off it for a few seconds here and there at the cafe. I still haven't told anyone there about my detransing, but that's mostly just because we haven't talked about any gender or transition stuff at all there so far, so I think it would be weird to just bring up out of the blue. I can just sense that their thoughts really wander about my presentation and appearance there though. Like some really look me up and down with a kinda nervous but intrigued smile as if they're trying really hard to figure me out, but no one has actually said anything, or even hinted.

I wonder for how much longer they can keep biting their tongues about it. Cause I get the feeling that's exactly what they're doing. I wouldn't mind talking about it, in fact I'm bursting to have someone irl I can talk about it with, but I can't just say it outright. I need to wait for "the moment", which I know may never come. But that's just my cross to bear, I guess. At least I've learned to accept that.

I'm curious what they might think of me, but I don't wanna ask. I felt like I was passing better today though, and oh boy did I put in the effort to pass! With my beard hidden better than ever (although you could still see some in my sideburn areas and chin) and my hairline completely hidden under a feminine-looking scarf. Although I wasn't gendered by anyone at all so I can't actually know if I passed or not. It just felt like I did. So maybe take that with a grain of salt. Or two.

Also I talked to a friend, over phone, yesterday and that made me feel a bit better about my detransing situation. I think just hearing a new perspective that I hadn't heard before was apparently what I needed to feel better. Well anyhow he told me a lot of good, uplifting stuff about me going off testo. That it's very good my periods came back cause that means my body's natural estrogen has really kicked in again and it's working excellently. He also informed me that my extra testo will sit around in my body for about 6 months from the time I quit taking it. And that within 2-3 years I'll be pretty much my old self again. I told him about how annoying it is to shave with my skin being a lot softer but my beard hairs being very thick and coarse and he had empathy for me about that issue, but also said eventually my beard will get softer too. So that's good to know and it made me feel more hopeful.

Apparently he knows two other detrans women, also Swedes, except from me. He mentioned their names to me but I didn't recognise them much. I don't know if I know them or not, or if I have known them in the past but lost touch. Sometimes I forget names or can't place them. My mind is so disorganised. I also feel really good about being on the blockers again too, except they make me tired all the time, which is a little annoying daytime, but very nice to sleep on at night. I'm supposed to take them in the morning... but all I could think about that is "what idiot orders patients to take a sedating medication in the fucking morning?!" and decided to take it in the evening instead. Just like that. I can't think that would make any sort of detrimantal difference. But yeah, it makes me kinda "slightly drowsy" 24/7 anyhow, just that it almost completely knocks me out during the first 2 or so hours after taking it. Sooo, if I'd take it in the morning I'd be sleeping all days and be up at night, pretty much.

But actually I think me taking it consistently every evening at roughly the same time is what's helping me keep a sleep pattern now. Well, I have for almost 2 weeks or so now. Or I don't quite remember how long, since some number of days before I started taking the blockers again. So that's good, but increasingly more difficult to maintain. Another annoying side effect is that it does reduce my sex drive. Cause I noticed that happened when I was on them the first time around, then when I went off them I noticed my sex drive went up again, and now since starting them again, my sex drive is again lower. Not inexistent or gone, just less high or intense. Like I still get horny, just not as often or for as long. My mind wanders away from sexy thoughts much more easily. It's like they're boring me quicker. It bugs me a bit, that those pills lower my sex drive, but I don't panic about it cause I still have a sex drive and I'm single anyhow, so it doesn't actually impact my life much.

I guess I'm fine with sacrificing some of my sex drive to get my testo changes to reverse faster, cause that means I'm feeling better about my body faster and that's always a good thing. Cause ultimately, feeling comfortable in my own skin is more important and of higher priority than how often I wanna have sex. Especially since I'm feeling too bad about my body now to even enjoy having sex at all. But I mean masturbation is still very nice. Probably because I know exactly what my "lover" thinks of me then, and I have no reason to worry or not trust. I can trust my own hands on my body. That they won't do something I'm not prepared for or won't like, that they know exactly how to please me. And no risk of std's or pregnancy. It's the safest sex I could possibly have, both mentally and physically. So that's why it works so well for me, even now in this sorrowful state. It became a kind of self-care routine, although I don't doubt I'm still addicted to it additionally. And it always feels good to give myself a little of my own love, and I do love making myself feel good with sweet orgasms that lullaby me to sleep, comfort and relaxation.

People are still commenting on that comment I made in that facebook group, but can't intervene in. Someone just tagged an admin, coincidentally the same one I sent a message to earlier, so let's see what may come of that. And the person tagging the admin called me transphobic in their comment. Bwah! Not that I care much, but it did make me scoff a bit. Oh by the way it's up at 11 "angry" reacts now. It may just be my most hated comment online ever, so far. And it wasn't even hateful.

You know what I would like to throw into their faces? When they say "there are more than 2 genders cause there are genders outside of the man and woman dichotomy" I'd like to reply with something like "Well if male vs female is a false dichotomy, then I'm neither and both cis and trans cause that's also a false dichotomy and if you disagree with me you're invalidating my lived experiences." Cause I know they fucking HATE it when someone tries to break the "cis vs trans dichotomy" but they also refuse to believe in the "male vs female dichotomy" and they're obsessed with being validated all the time. Sooo.... I think that might be a pretty nice comeback.

Cause I actually do think I'm neither cis nor trans, technically, but it's an unpopular opinion in most trans spaces. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Cause cis people supposedly never question their gender, they don't have any kind of gender dysphoria and they don't transition - and trans people don't think of their gender as being the same as their bio sex, and they usually don't regret having transitioned or want to get their transitioned bodies changed back to look like their bio sex again.

The way I see it I simply don't fit into either of those two boxes. Yes, I hold onto the "cis woman" thing but only to highlight the importance of my gender being the same as my bio sex. What I mean by thinking I'm not technically cis is I'm different from cis women in a huge number of ways. For all the reasons I transitioned and then detransition:
- Cause I didn't always think of my gender as being the same as my bio sex. For most of my life I have not. It's only these past 5 months that I have actually felt connected to being bio female and a woman.
- And cause I've always had some form of dysphoria (related to my sexed body traits) or another. Even now, as I struggle with my male traits.

My conclusion is: there's more than just cis or trans. I'm in a third category, or a mix of the two. Either perspective would be correct.

It doesn't make me feel bad to think of myself as neither/both. But I do like ruffling people's feathers with bringing up that concept, that detrans people are neither cis nor trans, we're something else or both at the same time. Same concept as that nonbinary stuff, huh? But the difference is that I'm not forcing my idea of a non-cis-non-trans person existing onto anyone else. I'm simply presenting it as an idea and as a feeling, on few occasions. Because I can have opinions about things without forcing others to agree with me.

Well, I guess they really managed to ruffle my feathers though... And I also guess I still am angry at "nonbinary culture" for being such an authoritarian moodkill. At least I present my ideas as options, as neatly wrapped gifts that I just place on the table and then let people take them if they want to. And I don't yell bigotry (cry wolf, much?) as soon as someone declines my ideas. I don't actually mind or care about people disagreeing with me, that's never been my issue. What I do mind is not being allowed to explain or defend myself. That they think it's fine and fair to just let an entire group of angry pisshats spew shit on me for god knows how many more hours while I'm being kept silent, forcibly. It's the figurative gag in my mouth that I'm pissed off and complaining about, not the shit I'm getting thrown at me. Cause if I had been allowed to throw shit too, it would have been a pretty fun or at least very fair, shit-throwing fight.

Isn't it funny that those who claim to fight for justice the most, inflict the most injustice of them all? Well, that's politics in a fucking nutshell. And probably why I got bored with it again. I'm too wise and too mature for politics. Cause to me it all just looks like adult kids having a sandbox fight. And eventually I always just roll my eyes and move on. Humans are never gonna get along, or end wars, or gain any sort of justice or freedom, if they keep attacking and dog-piling others like that. They lost the fight that they threw me into, cause they fight dirty and they fight without honour. I may not have a black belt in karate (yet) but I know a thing or two about how to fight fairly, and what even counts as a fight. Cause if it's not a fair fight... it's abuse.

If or when I get un-muted in that group, or if it all blows over and I'm expected to "behave", I'll leave the group. No true warrior lets herself get abused by her opponents. If your opponent fights dirty, they've lost the fight the moment they fucked up and you no longer have any obligations or responsibility for fighting to win. The fight is over the moment they fucked up. So you leave and let the unwise clean up their own mess. I deserve better than such insolence. Let's wrap it up with that, to walk away with my head held high and my pride unscathed.

Where I stand

I know I don't put up much of my thoughts regarding the EU selection that is going on a lot right now. I do have an opinion, and I do also know how I'm going to vote. I am not ashamed over my views, I just don't like picking fights or create a lot of reactions. I'm not very educated, and I don't plan to become either. I'm lazy, and politics bore me half to death. I do however put in a comment or two about SD and their shit on other people's statuses on Facebook, but that's it. I do that because I know it's something we agree on, something that won't lead me to be attacked.

I'd rather keep my mouth shut about everything, but I suppose I can't help myself when it comes to that. Cause maybe it feels more important for me to let my friends know for sure that I'm not your enemy, even though that should be self explanatory since I chose to be your friend for a reason.

I don't particularly like discussing politics or reading up on it. I do however, try to understand most of it, the whole picture you know, so that I can form a somewhat reasonable opinion. Does that mean that I shouldn't have a right to vote, because I might make a faulty decision based on how I interpret a specific party's propaganda? I sure hope not. Maybe I am buying some shit, and maybe that's why I hesitate to discuss it. I can't defend my own opinions, but I know my rights.

I live in my own little world, the one that mostly goes on in my fucked up brain and not so much in society/reality. (What is real, anyway?). I'm selfish, a socialist and I only care about the now, the moment of here and today, and not the least about the future or the parts of the world I'm not directly affected by. Besides, I hope for this tragic world to come to an end. I don't think it can ever get better no matter how I vote.

Just let it rest, the world won't fall apart if your favourite party won't win the battle. Did I mention I was selfish? Sometimes stupid as well. I know that it's a sign of weakness when one shies away from expressing one's opinions about something, anything really.

But you know what? It's private. I'm not private about much, but I am private about my political views. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right to be open about it. I'm okay with discussing it with those that I trust. Sorry if it comes as a shock or something, but I don't even trust half of all my friends. Most of you, to be honest. And I'm not so keen on telling everyone about it. Unless I'm drunk, then I might.

Can't just leave it alone

I've noticed something. When people don't understand what someone is saying they rather maim them than try to understand. I'm reading up on some threads in a favourite online forum, and there's a new member there. That doesn't happen every day, it's still a rather small community. I say "still" because I've been a member there since just a few months after it was created, somewhere in either 2009 or 2010. Can't remember exactly.

Anyways, this new member seem to have a rough time trying to "fit in" with the established group and jargon there. (Maybe this is why there comes new members so seldom there?) I think I understand her just fine, but everyone else are so mean to her. I don't know what to say, cause I don't think I can explain what it is that I understand that the rest of the members quite obviously don't.

They are always so sensitive there and seem to have a hard time accepting new ideas and thoughts about things discussed there. I won't say which forum it is, but maybe some of you know which it is that I'm talking about. I like that forum, I really do, but sometimes it tends to become a little... elitistic.

I've obviously learned the jargon there since I'm one of the veterans, but I get tired of it sometimes. That I have to keep certain things to myself because I'm afraid they will start hacking on me too. Some subjects are just to be avoided in some situations, and some are to be avoided in all situations.

Many of my friends seem to think alike, and maybe cause that was the way I thought back when we became friends. Heavy on the "was" there. I change a lot and quicker than most people around me. I'm a like a sponge to new information and leave a lot of my opinions open for discussion, open for change. Thus, my personality is not fixed as would be the general way to exist.

I would not say it's hard to keep the friends I've had for a long time, it's more that I get more and more careful with what comes out of my mouth. Even when I'm drunk. Cause I don't want to create fights over my changed opinions and let them know that all of a sudden we're not so alike anymore. Cause I don't care about that. Being alike is not an important thing for me when it comes to friends. Keeping good friends is important.

Like my mother I encourage differences, cause that can make you grow as a person and you have something to discuss. But I also know that most people don't seem to share that opinion. Not really, not when it comes down to it. People want to have the same political views, the same religion or the lack there of, the same taste in music, same style of choice and so on. I can take a little battle over why I like a certain music artist that I'm not "supposed" to like. I can explain why I don't want to be a vegetarian and that's okay too and even kinda necessary. And I'm willing to talk about why I'm a Satanist and why I don't like Christianity as well. But I am open minded about religion, I really am.

But what I don't want to go into all the time is why I dislike the general idea of feminism, why animal rights are so boring to listen to, why I don't believe in a criminal justice system and so on. Things like that are just too exhausting to go into a battle with. And what's the point? Why would I feel a need to justify my beliefs? To get followers? I know there are people who agree with me somewhere out in the world, however insane or criminal they are, I'm not alone with my views. And even if so, what does it matter? Wouldn't that be sign of insecurity? And I'm not insecure, I'm just careful. Could be killed for less, you know.

Nah, I don't feel a need to bring it up. Not really and not all the time. Though sometimes it can be important to speak up if I feel a bit suffocated in a room full of people all agreeing on something I do not. Because my opinions are allowed to exist as well.

Well, back to the topic. I sense that that new member in that forum is a bit like me in a way. That she too has opinions that are a bit obscure or simply just different from the forum's jargon. And she gets maimed for it, because people refuse to understand and continuously reed between the lines and get offended for no good reason. They are so easily offended, it's tragic. I believe they have all right to be, but come on, you're human beings just like everyone else, you don't have to take everything personal all the time.

She has strong arguments, opinions that she has the right to have, but keeps getting misunderstood and I don't know if I should try to "rescue" her from the crowd. I'm not good at that, but I have done so a few times in previous situations. My motivation is that I simply care for outsiders, because I was like that too not so long ago, and I know what it's like to feel everyone is against you. 

I guess my reputation on the forum is important as well and I also guess I'm a bit afraid of becoming misunderstood myself if I do so. I have to think up a good argument that will be as solid as I can make it, without offending anyone. Wish me luck...

Stand up for yourself, damn it

My mood swings are back, and rather severely. Fuck. Today I've been shifting between being furious, sad and hysterically laughing at everything. And then back and forth between those faster than I can comprehend. Why do I have to be such an emotional chaos, even when drugged up on mood stabilisers?! Yeah, sleep deprivation isn't dangerous at all... it just makes me a super borderline-depressive-schizophrenic-fucked-up mess. And intensifies it. Loads.

If I didn't hate my brain before, I sure as hell do now. Excuse my while I go off and OD on my meds... nah, just kidding, but the urge is there.

Tried to speak my opinion about feminism in a debate/conversation with an acquaintance on Facebook. My god, I've been awake for 52 hours and I'm lethargic and wired at the same time. I rarely, no I think I've never expressed my true opinion about feminism before. Afraid to mess things up considering almost all of my friends have so solid opinions about the issue and I don't agree with them. Me? Afraid to speak my mind? Apparently, but I don't want to do that anymore. Even though it's hard being tackled down by my friends, I shouldn't be afraid to open up to them.

I think that the concept of feminism is faulty and I dislike that people follow it so blindly. I think that I only have one friend who realises that the concept is faulty and luckily that is my crush. "Luckily" because his opinion is the most important to me since I fell for him. Though I don't know fully what he thinks about the issue at large, I might be wrong about him agreeing with me, cause I really don't know to be honest. (The person I mainly had this debate with is by the way a mutual friend to my crush, which means he can read the dispute and my opinions if he wants to). 

I only know that his opinion isn't a blind slavery to a political issue that everyone seem to be expected to follow blindly without questioning it. What the fuck is wrong with people? Politics are meant to be opinionated and questioned. That is how we evolve and change this fucked up society!