New roads

There's nothing I can say, that won't come out wrong, but that I miss him so much that it physically hurts inside me. I'm lost in this mess. I don't know what is real anymore, I'm thinking that maybe I just see what I want to see. That it's just wishful thinking and my undying hopes that makes it real. Is it real? I know you're reading this. But I don't. Of course I can't know. You're probably sound asleep by now.

This is so absurd, I haven't been able to focus very well today. I'm just having my head in the clouds. My heart swings in every possible direction today. Why can't I stop thinking? My thoughts are driving me mad. Thoughts about him, always about him. I can't think of anything else. Sorry if this becomes repetitive, I really don't have anything to say about anything else.

I've been writing all day, trying to figure it out, but I just end up entangling myself in it further more. Yeah, I definitely need to see my shrink. Finally got a hold of her, and got an appointment on June 4th. It's two weeks... I'll try to not fall apart until then, but I honestly don't know if I can. One day at a time, one day at a time.

I don't even know what's up all of a sudden. I'm better than ever, I'm worse than before, but not worse than ever. It doesn't feel like I've fallen back. More like I took a new road and it turned out to be quite chaotic. A new way of madness, not the old crap.

I always manage to find new roads like that. More shit I didn't know about before. I hate it, I hate it so much, but I can't do anything about it. I don't want to think about the future, don't want to know what will become of me one day, when I've walked all the roads there is to walk, discovered the whole forest full of roads.

But I do know, and that's what's freaking me out. Cause I don't want to end up like that. I really don't, but I have no choice. All I can do is postpone it, as far into the future as possibly possible.

That is my first and final say for today, cause it honestly took an entire day to think of something not too personal to share. I'm so distracted and can't focus on even editing this text, but I'll do it anyway. Good night, readers.