Waiting

I see him everywhere. In pictures, and in real life. I know it isn't him, but my mind somehow interprets it that way. It's not like I think he looks like everyone or that everyone look like him. Cause that's really not the case. It's more like I just want it to be him. That it would be him walking past me on the street in Hemse, that he would somehow be here, close to me. If only to just say hi or even just a quick wave.

I need him so damn much, but he doesn't need me. I crave, long, ache for him. I'm trying to find substitutes but nothing works. Like holding ice can be a substitute for self harm but it doesn't quite cut it, you know what I mean? Yes, pun intended.

I'm so terribly lonely and sad. Wishing I could shift back to the light me again, but I'm coping better this way. And like this I don't have to "fear" shifting again. Cause it's better to shift from dark to light than the other way around, for some reason. I wouldn't say either is more positive or negative, but I like the lighter half better. It's because the dark half is triggered, the light isn't. I shift back when I'm ready or something and then shift to dark again when triggered by something bad. Apparently either state lasts about a few days.

My distractions aren't working today. And writing like this is hardly a distraction at all, rather the opposite. I play a lot of WoW, but I don't really want to. It doesn't help or anything. Just passing time cause I can't think of anything better to do. Putting cloth heirlooms on a balance druid. Well, intellect is good and I level faster. Who cares that I might come off as the noob I am? I don't have leather heirlooms yet.

I write so much and can't decide what I want to share or not. Most of it I don't want to share. A lot of rantings about K mostly. My worries and fears. I'm gonna try to go to sleep soon. Enough waiting for today. Yeah, I'm waiting every day now, for him. I'm restless and upset, something is ripping and tearing inside me. Not so fun going to sleep like this, but it's 3:47 and I can't stay up waiting for something that won't happen.