Strong reactions

That damn crew, they put away my things so that I can't find them again! Thanks a lot, assholes. I have major anxiety regarding food and eating today, but figured I can fix some chicken and make a simple sandwich with that. After many worries and but's I decided to go for it. It's okay food, lean meat and slow carbs.

But then I couldn't find the olive oil which I never put away. It's always by the stove. Always. Except for now that is. So in frustration after looking in every cabinet in the kitchen without finding it, I had to take butter instead. And oh my gosh, you can't imagine the anxiety over finally deciding for something okay to eat and then you realise you have to add butter!

I hardly even eat sandwiches anymore, cause I don't like them without butter and I don't want to eat them with. Gotta buy more olive oil or question the crew about where they fucking put it. They can't do that, and I'll fucking make sure they won't anymore or I'm not letting them anywhere near my apartment again. I have trust issues and a hell of a lot of paranoia. This really isn't helping.

I wish something could help me feel better, but I don't know what could. I have to get that sandwich done first, and eat it with my anxiety and then maybe I can do something about it. Right now I'm stuck in a downward spiral. Upset because I haven't eaten and upset because I have to eat.

Now I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to get the taste of food out of my mouth. I've never brushed my teeth that hard ever before. Then I put my plate in the kitchen so I wouldn't have to look at it. Don't wanna be reminded by it, by what I've eaten and when and how much. Is this crazy? Cause I can think of a million reasons why this isn't right.

I don't know why I feel this way, why I react the way I do to this. I'm still not even full, just terribly disgusted. I don't know why, it turned out okay. For being the horrible cook I am, it turned out really nice. So why do I feel this way? I don't understand.

And I'll keep trying

Oh, noodles! It's been over 40 hours since I last ate something and damn one appreciates food like never before after fasting. Even I do. Though with all the cream I add in it there's quite much calories, so I can't eat anything else today. I'm trying to stay under 500 kcal a day. It is very little, but trust me, I know my body too damn well, and as I'm trying to lose weight I have to eat very little.

I don't want to give up on piercings. Just saying I want to try to get some again. I've wanted septum for some time (maybe a few years) but since I'm blowing my nose constantly I doubt it's gonna work cause it would be nearly impossible to keep it clean for it to heal. Giving up on my eyebrow though. It's a superficial piercing and my body hated it from the time I got it in 2010 up until I took it out for the surgery in March. No, can't get it back in again, I tried.

So I'm thinking about getting a new centre labret again. Second time. Take better care of it this time. I might do it when I get to the main country, since there are no good piercing studios here on Gotland. And I need to go behind my mother's back again... But I want to have something in my nose as well, so that I can wear a chain going from my ear. They look so cool, and I've always wanted that too.

Just got back from the gym. I'm still not used to going there, I'm a bit edgy and nervous. Especially when passing through the men's locker room. No doubt about it, that's where I belong, but my insecurity shines like the sun. So anyway, I had been on the bike for 20 minutes (burned 97 calories) and really needed some water. I didn't bring my own bottle so I thought I'd just use the tap in the locker room. But then there was this big guy just standing there and I was like "eeek just gonna have some water oki bye bye". I didn't say that of course, but I must have looked absolutely frightened.

My mind started wandering again and again I can't stop thinking about K. I tried though, thought I must write about something else, finish this blog entry without mentioning K, but who am I trying to fool? Of course I had to mention him again. I'm really spell bound by him right now. Like, what's he doing to me? No I know that it's not actually him doing something to make me feel that way, or at least I don't think so. If it is, then I won't complain at all!

Getting back to that

My eating habits, or lack there of, might start to become a problem. I only have three things on my menu: sandwiches, noodles and diet drinks. It's been like this for several months now, starting sometime in November or December last year. With some eating problems already before that, of course.

The only exception was during Christmas and new years, but I didn't stuff myself so much then either. Sometimes I eat sweets though, like once or twice in a month, so I'm not completely against that. Not so very varying diet, and not so much of anything really. Almost no meat or vegetables.

I don't like talking about food or eating, but it just crossed my mind. That it's been like this for months now. Cause I seriously thought that this was a phase that would pass and then I'd start feeding on pizza and microwaved meals again. Instead, I'm gonna have a dinner consisting of two pieces of hard bread with ham and a cup of coffee. It's either that or plain, spiced noodles. All I care about is to stop the hunger and that as quickly and effectively as possible.

My guess is that I get around 500 calories a day, maybe less, maybe a little more. I've lost 3 kg in as many months. Why I don't lose more weight has probably something to do with all that sweet coffee and tea I drink every day.

Gosh, I really care more about my weight than I care about my health. It's like I'd risk malnutrition for a smaller butt. Priorities, I seem to get back on that issue a lot. What is more important and why are my priorities a bit, erhm... fucked up?

Little goals

Been a lot of hard leveling with my belf today, and finally reached my goal for the night: level 76. It took exactly a week to go from level 65 to 75. That's pretty fast for only questing.

No, still can't muster the dungeons. Need more booze, cigarettes and possibly other drugs to be able to go through with that anxiety attack. Now onward to Sholazar Basin, but it will have to be enough for tonight, I think. Getting up early tomorrow for a meeting, in real life I mean.

Just waiting for the effect of my sedative pills to kick in. Also winding down, cause I got excited, frustrated and competitive at the end of level 75 there. So my blood is rushing a bit fast. Though I always sleep a little better knowing I've completed some sort of goal. Whether it be small or big.

Though I'm all for the small goals. They are easier to complete (duh) yet as satisfying as any other goal. They are little snap shot of happiness, you could almost call them. That's why I love playing that stupid video game, because there's always something to achieve that I can feel good about.

Today has neither been good or bad really, somewhere in between. I suppose "okay" would be a good word for it then. Had a lot of fun on Tumblr and in WoW, but still battling with my sleeping- and eating habits.

I've been hungry for I don't know how many hours now (well, felt weak and my stomach hurts) and have no more diet drinks left to consume. So I'm going to bed hungry, and probably there won't be any breakfast tomorrow before the meeting. Yay...

Summing up today

4:30
I hate being in this mindless state. So tired I can just barely hold my head up. Almost dropping my cigarette. Can barely focus on playing WoW, or even just scrolling on Tumblr. I'm speed levelling my Priest, by which I mean I'm only in a zone for as long as necessary, and then take off to the next when I've reached the proper level. Don't bother finishing questlines or even trying to do the tricky and or annoying quests. He's only my fourth character I've ever brought this far into Northrend. That's saying a lot coming from someone who's had probably hundreds of characters altogether.

9:40
Okay I'm getting irritated at stuff in WoW. That's good, a sign of life in this gooey brain of mine. I'm finally waking up! Just made the Frozen Shadoweave Robe in game in less than hour (got most materials off of auction house). The first time I made this robe it took a week... This is my second favourite robe in the whole game, and I've only had it for a short time with one other character before. Missed it a lot. Now I wanna do the matching shoulders! Alright, I'm onto the shoulder piece now. I though I might as well. This is what WoW always should be like: fun, thrilling and making me smile. You can see the whole set on my blood elf on a picture I uploaded on Dayviews. Not that anyone's interested, but still.

13:10
I haven't eaten anything today, since I got up at 2:00 this very early morning. Only had cigarettes and diet drinks. Not to worry though, those are supposed to replace meals. Extra good when I wanna lose weight also. They won't make me fat.

17:50
I'm just whining about food and sleep all the damn time, am I not!? Well, I'm yet again in this awful state when I neither can nor want to eat. My brain likes it, my body absolutely hates it. There's this constant war going on between my mind and body, and then another one within my mind. It's like my subconscious won't accept that my body can't take care of itself without food and sleep. There's something fundamentally wrong with me...

Pessimystic

Damn you mind, why did I have to get extreme lack of appetite over the Christmas holiday? I think I've even lost some weight. Cause all of a sudden my favourite hoodie seems two sizes too big. I really know how to complain about everything, don't I? I want to lose weight, but I also want to indulge a little in the end of December.

Today I'm quite a mess. Couldn't sleep at all tonight, so I've been awake for around 26 hours and the last time I ate something was around 6 or 7 last night. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to starve myself, I just don't try to eat either.

I try to listen to my body, somewhat. I look at the time and say to myself "I should eat something" but then I try to figure out if I can go on a little longer without food. And usually I can. I'm just very lazy really. Too much effort to fix food, even just smearing butter on a piece of bread.

And then it's the thing that I don't know what to do while I'm eating. Can't play WoW, draw, write or anything really. I so hate just sitting on my ass and chew on something more or less boring until I stop only because it's too damn boring.

Hah, I bet you could compare me with the starving children in Africa now. That I have a fridge packed with food but I rather go hours and hours without eating because it's boring. But it's always been like that with me. I don't take these things for granted, and I hate being bound to always, every day for the rest of my life eat, sleep, wake up, going to the loo, and so on. Those basic needs. I'm just so fucking tired of doing them, and I wish I didn't have to.

I'm one of those few pessimists who compares eating with cleaning the house. Like: why should I clean the house when it gets dirty the next day anyway? And I'm like: why should I eat when my stomach always becomes empty again? It's like trying to fill a god damn black hole. Argh.. enough complaining for now.

*Title is from a song by Alice Cooper.

Finally a change

I haven't even been up for a whole day, yet I feel beyond lethargic and apathetic. I feel broken, hollow, like I'm just a shivering and aching shell. Since I've started sleeping again I've been feeling worse. A lot worse. I can barely focus at all, feel more stupid and thick headed than usually, I can't eat and I'm shifting between being freezing cold and sweaty warm all the time.

Sure these nutrition drinks are a good thing and all, but there's a hole in my stomach that hurts when I'm hungry, eating and full. I'm tired, dizzy, nauseous and I just wanna disappear. But I have no wish to sleep so I don't sleep for as long as I used to. No 30 hours at a time anymore, now it's about 10, which is better I suppose. But I have a feeling it's gonna take time before I get better again.

Sleep deprivation and a messed up circadian rhythm can really fuck you up. Three months and I've reached my breaking point. Luckily, I'm apathetic enough to forget about my hypnophobia somehow. Cause I just do and fuck the rest. Tired and can't stay awake? I just won't then. Scared of sleeping, sure as hell, but I've got bigger monsters to fear.

Strawberry gashes and basic needs

I know my anxiolytics are working when I get so numb and distracted I forget my cigarette and can't hold up my arm. I really gotta eat. I hate eating, I don't want to. Wish there was another way. Another way to shut up my growling stomach, another way to regain my energy and make it last. Have you ever thought about how stupid eating is? You have to shove in a lot of shit into your mouth and then the body is only satisfied for a few hours before you have to do it allover again. And most of it you only shit out anyway.

Maybe I am just crazy, but I think the whole process is so... stupid. Like how did evolution think there? Appetite. I think maybe that is why I can't get around this issue. I have no appetite and haven't had that for a really long time, and therefore I start thinking about it in weird terms.

I just wish someone in my circle of friends could understand this. How I think of food and eating. How I only do it to survive, because dying from starvation is just not such a tempting thought. How I only two or three times a year can enjoy food and all the other times it's just a necessary evil. And of all this I seem to dislike vegetables the most. Hard to eat healthy then. And I'm lazy. My thought around cooking food is this: why spend time and effort on something I'm just gonna shove into my mouth to get it over with?

Ugh... I just hate this so much. It's this thing I just can't understand why people like so much. Maybe I'm just programmed wrong or something. As if anything was programmed right. I'm so tired of never working as intended, complexing my life and life itself just keep fucking me over. Cause nothing is ever simple, especially these basic needs, I just can't do it. I can't eat right, I can't sleep right. Well at least I can breathe on my own, I have that to be thankful over. But not for long if I keep on smoking like a chimney.

And I believe this one really big reason why I can't start living a better life. I don't need the crew or my mother a phone call away, I need fucking room service. Someone who literally drags me up from bed every morning, force feeds me my sleeping pills so that I will fall asleep at night and cooks me three meals a day.

I've given up. That is why I stopped trying to sleep better, stopped trying to eat better. At least I'm awake at all, at least I get some sleep at all, and at least I eat something at all. And that's the best I can do for now.

What do anxiolytics do really? They calmed me down, but I was calm already to begin with. Had enough anxiety to cut my whole arm up and think of how miserable I am with this lovesickness situation and that I keep fucking up my life with sleep and food. But I was calm. I took the pills, felt the effect and then I wrote this. After the effect kicked in. Not long either, just a minute or so. I just don't know what to do. Distraction! Distraction, of course! Let's watch a movie or something.