Priorities

Woah, I really have gotten more proportional. Just took some measurements and I've lost 4 cm off my thighs and 10 cm off my ass since last time I checked, and all other measurements are basically the same. My hips and shoulders are the same in cm now. There is hope! Testosterone, I love you.

So now things are starting to change. That took a while... but better late than never, of course. That fat redistribution and even some muscle mass gain, I think. What is it now, 9 months on testosterone? Yes, about a week ago. One year on August 19th.

I feel great today. Despite of or because of the starvation, that is the question. Probably both. I feel confident that I can actually do this today, yet I'm stressed cause I "need" to lose at least another 5 kg before it's summer for real. Let's say first of July. That is when I will have to be on 57 kg.

Most of all I'm afraid of losing control over this. Right now, I'm still struggling to keep control over my eating and exercise habits, pushing it further as I go. Sometimes I slip and punish myself for it. Other times I don't give a damn, and sometimes I keep it up the way I feel like I actually am in control. What is control? Is it to eat as little as possible or to avoid certain kinds of food for a long time? Is it exercising on an empty stomach or being able to take a longer and faster walk than usually? Is it not giving into temptation or being able to handle it if I do? Yes, yes to all of that and more.

Such is my life right now, but most of the time I just think about K. You know, it's actually possible to be on a starving diet and still have my head full of thoughts about him. And then I worry about my personality split from time to time. There is usually three major things filling up my eternally stressed mind at once. K, food/weight and light/dark me, in that order. That's the trio these days.

But I feel somehow, that as long as my love for K runs deeper than my weight obsession it's alright. It doesn't take up all the space, it's not my number one priority. I think I finally found it, after writing about eating disorders and whether I have them or not for three hours. That as long as it's not my top priority I'm safe. Though it is my second priority, so it is escalating.

Especially now since the trans deal is getting closer to be finished, and I can put that behind me. Well, not entirely of course, I'm always gonna have that nagging at me to some degree or another, I can't change or erase my past. And some things I can't change about my body, no matter how much I want to.