Survive

Waking up to a panic attack. Hmm, that's nice... can I go back to bed again? No, I don't want to do that, I can't do that. Shit, can barely write cause I'm shaking so much. I'm out of pills, fuck. This is killing me, it feels like it's killing me.

It's in situations like this that I realise how limited my life really is. Had a talk with my mother and I think I'm starting to calm down now, she's also bringing me more pills. My mind is still raging but my physical symptoms are slowly getting back to normal. Still panicking a bit, but I'm trying my best here.

I want to reach out to him, but I have no idea how. I've never been in this situation before, what do I do? I want to be the healer, but I can't even heal myself. Is that hypocritical of me? And not just because it's hurting me, not at all because of that. I just can't handle this situation. It's not something I've caused myself, if that's what you think. This has nothing to do with me.

I care so much because I love him, but I don't know if I can do this. I'm so fucking scared all the time and my worries hit the roof today. It's not about me, but I feel as if it is. I don't know if that makes any sense. I've been quiet about this but now I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to say exactly what this is about, cause it's not my own pain that I feel. It's not my situation to tell, not my story, not my life.

I'm not selfish, far from it. But I've reached a certain point where it affects me so much that I crumble. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal or anything, I'm just so fucking scared and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm not searching for advice here, I just want you guys to know.

I've been cutting again for some time now, I don't remember when I started doing that again, and it's of horrible reasons cause I just can't handle these emotions. I don't want to cut, it's just that I resort to it cause I know no other way. I'm trying to do it as little as possible, only when the feelings are overwhelming, when I can't control myself and when pills aren't enough.

I've also been drinking again, I get drunk a few days a week. Same reasons, same poor excuses. And I hate myself for it. I try to imagine my future if I continue doing this, how I really don't want to become an alcoholic again, how that would completely ruin my life. But I can't stop myself. I think it has a lot to do with that I've been drinking before, that I know how it helps and it's hard to focus on the bad that will happen if I continue, but I try. In the moment, the emotional release is all that matters. I'm losing it again.

I hide it, don't want anyone to know. It's pathetic and there's no excuse for it. But here you know, cause maybe it's even more pathetic to hide it, I don't know. I just can't hold it in anymore. Of course I'll tell my shrink about it though, I've been planning to do that all along. I'll stick to the most important so we'll have time to discuss it. The other stuff can wait.

This is just a glimpse of what's been going on. My side and my reaction to what I can't tell you. This wasn't my first panic attack these last weeks, but it was the strongest. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, don't know what will happen if this progresses. I don't want to think about it, but it's invading my mind all the time. As I said I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. That's all, I want to numb it so that I can continue go on living my life. It's a way of survival, not a way to die.