It's exactly a week left now, until I'm gonna celebrate that I've been in love with K for a whole year. And I still won't let go. Damn I won't let go... I'm gonna fight for his heart, though that may sound horrible, but it's not. I'm not gonna force him to do anything he doesn't want to, but I am trying to make him fall in love with me, at the best of my ability.
I don't know if I'll make that tattoo of his name, it seems like a stupid thing to do somehow. I want to be more sure where we stand first. I'm giving it six months or so, pushing it even further if I think that would be needed. I always want to be sure about my future tattoos, wanna know exactly what I want to get, how and why. To be so sure that I give it have years to think about it. So why would I do one basically on impulse?
I'm out of control with my feelings for him, yet I manage to hold back from telling him. Instead I'm giving him hints that I like him a bit more than just as a friend. Hints I'm not even sure he understands. I'm afraid he would notice "too early" and it would get all weird and stuff. Now it seems maybe I have a chance and I don't want to screw it up for anything in the world.
I keep pushing and postponing telling him the truth. So afraid of rejection it's like the worst nightmare imaginable to me. But I'm still opting telling him when I see him this summer, but I'm not sure. I don't know, but I think maybe he's waiting for me to tell, like he knows but don't know how to ask me about it. And I can't. I just can't tell him straight out like that. It has to be the right mood, in person and alone with him.
It might be asking for too much, but I don't think it's impossible to achieve that kind of moment. Don't get me wrong, I want to tell him, I so want to tell him. It's been driving me crazy since October god damn it. It feels like I could love him forever, even if I get tired of feeling like this, even if anything that I can't think of. Everything is possible but he's gotten too deep into my soul for me to ever being able to let go. I believe that.
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