Strong reactions

That damn crew, they put away my things so that I can't find them again! Thanks a lot, assholes. I have major anxiety regarding food and eating today, but figured I can fix some chicken and make a simple sandwich with that. After many worries and but's I decided to go for it. It's okay food, lean meat and slow carbs.

But then I couldn't find the olive oil which I never put away. It's always by the stove. Always. Except for now that is. So in frustration after looking in every cabinet in the kitchen without finding it, I had to take butter instead. And oh my gosh, you can't imagine the anxiety over finally deciding for something okay to eat and then you realise you have to add butter!

I hardly even eat sandwiches anymore, cause I don't like them without butter and I don't want to eat them with. Gotta buy more olive oil or question the crew about where they fucking put it. They can't do that, and I'll fucking make sure they won't anymore or I'm not letting them anywhere near my apartment again. I have trust issues and a hell of a lot of paranoia. This really isn't helping.

I wish something could help me feel better, but I don't know what could. I have to get that sandwich done first, and eat it with my anxiety and then maybe I can do something about it. Right now I'm stuck in a downward spiral. Upset because I haven't eaten and upset because I have to eat.

Now I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to get the taste of food out of my mouth. I've never brushed my teeth that hard ever before. Then I put my plate in the kitchen so I wouldn't have to look at it. Don't wanna be reminded by it, by what I've eaten and when and how much. Is this crazy? Cause I can think of a million reasons why this isn't right.

I don't know why I feel this way, why I react the way I do to this. I'm still not even full, just terribly disgusted. I don't know why, it turned out okay. For being the horrible cook I am, it turned out really nice. So why do I feel this way? I don't understand.