That worry

Oh my god, I'm so worried right now. He seems to have someone on his mind, someone that he likes, but I don't know who it could possibly be. Please don't fall in love with someone else, please don't enter a new relationship that I'm not a part of, please don't leave me like this...

I don't even know if I have a chance anymore. Maybe I never did. But why? Why do I keep falling for unobtainable people? I cannot fall for the few who have fallen for me (I can count to two, maybe three in my whole life, I'm really not very loveable) and I end up miserable I always do in the end.

Why is this always happening? Can it ever be us? If I just hold on a little longer, just a little longer. Or act now, right fucking now in a desperate attempt to make him realise what he might lose if he goes to someone else. Oh god, I can't do that to him. I don't want to give him guilt because I can't handle my fucking feelings for him.

I'm just ranting, it's like I can't breathe right but I do. I can't think straight. Could it be me, could it even? Is it even remotely possible? I live so far away and we've only really met once. I'm an internet friend and that's probably all he knows. He probably doesn't know that I'm constantly blogging about him, that he's constantly on my mind and I can't live without him.

What would he think if he knew? Cause what if he does. What if he does and the only reason he hasn't come forward is to not hurt my feelings cause he doesn't feel the same way? I've thought about that before, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

I'm so scared of losing him, even though I know that he's not mine to lose. I can't imagine the pain if he someday soon shows up to be in a relationship with someone knew, before we meet again. What would I say when we meet then? Would it just be a total disaster or won't I even be able to tell him? Would I even be able to tell him?

Why can't I frigging plan around it, prepare myself for the worst. I've never been very good at that, cause somehow the worst I can imagine still isn't as bad as the outcome. I sense that I lack some imagination in that area. So what will I do then? Calm down, one thing at a time, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Fucking shit, I have another sleepless night ahead of me. Not again! I'm tired of that crap too and all I want to do is to sleep my pain away and wake up rested and peaceful. But I never do. Not after nights like this.

Please, can someone tell me what to do? I can't really stand this much longer. I can't ask him who it is. If he had wanted me or anyone else to know he wouldn't be so secretive about it. It's killing me but I have to respect that. I just have to.

Somehow I need to put this to rest, or at least try to take it as it comes. I can't keep thinking about it, worrying about it. It will only tear me to pieces. Unrecognisable pieces and I don't think I'll ever be able to repair myself again. That much is my happiness worth right now. It's very fragile and something like this would shatter it in a heartbeat and forever break my heart.