Strong reactions

That damn crew, they put away my things so that I can't find them again! Thanks a lot, assholes. I have major anxiety regarding food and eating today, but figured I can fix some chicken and make a simple sandwich with that. After many worries and but's I decided to go for it. It's okay food, lean meat and slow carbs.

But then I couldn't find the olive oil which I never put away. It's always by the stove. Always. Except for now that is. So in frustration after looking in every cabinet in the kitchen without finding it, I had to take butter instead. And oh my gosh, you can't imagine the anxiety over finally deciding for something okay to eat and then you realise you have to add butter!

I hardly even eat sandwiches anymore, cause I don't like them without butter and I don't want to eat them with. Gotta buy more olive oil or question the crew about where they fucking put it. They can't do that, and I'll fucking make sure they won't anymore or I'm not letting them anywhere near my apartment again. I have trust issues and a hell of a lot of paranoia. This really isn't helping.

I wish something could help me feel better, but I don't know what could. I have to get that sandwich done first, and eat it with my anxiety and then maybe I can do something about it. Right now I'm stuck in a downward spiral. Upset because I haven't eaten and upset because I have to eat.

Now I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to get the taste of food out of my mouth. I've never brushed my teeth that hard ever before. Then I put my plate in the kitchen so I wouldn't have to look at it. Don't wanna be reminded by it, by what I've eaten and when and how much. Is this crazy? Cause I can think of a million reasons why this isn't right.

I don't know why I feel this way, why I react the way I do to this. I'm still not even full, just terribly disgusted. I don't know why, it turned out okay. For being the horrible cook I am, it turned out really nice. So why do I feel this way? I don't understand.

Never give up

I felt happy for two months before I started falling apart again. Somehow I wish I had done more to prolong that happiness, but instead I kept isolating myself, starved and disappeared into my computer. But I respect that, I respect that I was afraid to go all out at the risk of losing the little happiness I had instead of gaining more. Because stress is never a good thing when it comes to my mood.

But I haven't lost all hope, I guarantee you. I still hope and dream and almost kinda expect a better future now. Just almost on that last part, but it's better than it used to be before in my life. But I'm falling again, into the old and new dark places. I know I'm not meant to be happy, but I'm trying to beat the odds. I'd rather die trying than give up, you know. But I don't know how or what to do. I need to ask my shrink that, maybe she's got some advice.

Cause just trying not to do things isn't quite working anymore. I don't know why, but I fall into temptation and it's hard when I lose control. So many things upset me, everything from my acne to my inability to be a part of the society and all else in between. And being so easily upset upsets me even more.

It's like maybe my lack of eating habits is finally taking control over me. Being constantly hungry can make anyone upset. It's not the best thing trying to lose weight when you're feeling like shit, but when else am I gonna do it? It's in my state of mind, it is my mind to feel like shit. Whenever, wherever, all the time. I know I take risks by doing so, and I also know it's not recommended to starve at all.

I'm slowly developing an eating disorder and I just sit here and do nothing about it. Cause if I get an eating disorder I will definitely lose weight. And yes, I realise just how wrong that sounds. I'm not stupid, I know I'm taking huge risks by keeping this from my doctors. I keep fooling them, telling them I eat very little and try to lose weight but I don't tell them that I'm desperate to lose weight, obsessed by it, willing to do anything for it. About my very poor body image or that I'm pro-ana.

I play a twisted game with doctors, manipulating and fooling them to believe what I want them to believe. I'm not quite in my right mind. Cause I seek doctors to help me but then I don't let them help me. I've been in this carousel for too long, too long to know how to fool them. That I know they make the priorities about what I should get help for first and I don't like that. So I only tell them about what I want to get help for and keep the rest from them. If I wanted help for my eating problems I would gladly discuss that. If I didn't have to worry about telling them about my psychotic tendencies, I would gladly tell them about that too.

But they are just as much stuck in a rut as I am. They have their guidelines and rules to follow. To them, my self harm and suicidal tendencies come first, and my basic needs like food and sleep come second. Then the psychotic stuff seemed to have come third when I was open about that several years ago. My priorities is everything else. At every damn meeting there is truth I have to withhold, and it completely drains me, trying to figure out what to say in denial. I've had some practise, but I have no idea if I'm a good liar or not. Maybe it depends on who I'm lying to.

And I'll keep trying

Oh, noodles! It's been over 40 hours since I last ate something and damn one appreciates food like never before after fasting. Even I do. Though with all the cream I add in it there's quite much calories, so I can't eat anything else today. I'm trying to stay under 500 kcal a day. It is very little, but trust me, I know my body too damn well, and as I'm trying to lose weight I have to eat very little.

I don't want to give up on piercings. Just saying I want to try to get some again. I've wanted septum for some time (maybe a few years) but since I'm blowing my nose constantly I doubt it's gonna work cause it would be nearly impossible to keep it clean for it to heal. Giving up on my eyebrow though. It's a superficial piercing and my body hated it from the time I got it in 2010 up until I took it out for the surgery in March. No, can't get it back in again, I tried.

So I'm thinking about getting a new centre labret again. Second time. Take better care of it this time. I might do it when I get to the main country, since there are no good piercing studios here on Gotland. And I need to go behind my mother's back again... But I want to have something in my nose as well, so that I can wear a chain going from my ear. They look so cool, and I've always wanted that too.

Just got back from the gym. I'm still not used to going there, I'm a bit edgy and nervous. Especially when passing through the men's locker room. No doubt about it, that's where I belong, but my insecurity shines like the sun. So anyway, I had been on the bike for 20 minutes (burned 97 calories) and really needed some water. I didn't bring my own bottle so I thought I'd just use the tap in the locker room. But then there was this big guy just standing there and I was like "eeek just gonna have some water oki bye bye". I didn't say that of course, but I must have looked absolutely frightened.

My mind started wandering again and again I can't stop thinking about K. I tried though, thought I must write about something else, finish this blog entry without mentioning K, but who am I trying to fool? Of course I had to mention him again. I'm really spell bound by him right now. Like, what's he doing to me? No I know that it's not actually him doing something to make me feel that way, or at least I don't think so. If it is, then I won't complain at all!

Interpret this

Heatstroke. I get heatstroke from the inside. Do you know what that is like? It feels like I'm on fire, but I'm not. I ate too much yesterday, so I have to go to the gym and work out a little extra with the cardio exercise. Just want to work off bad conscience and guilt. I buy fitness magazines and try to get some advice. Don't know if it's any good advice though. And I know I'm doing it wrong by starving and exercising at the same time. But I do it to lose weight fast.

They say you shouldn't starve because you'll gain the weight again when you go back to eating normally again. Bwah, they are so generalising! I won't go back to eating "normally" since I don't want to and I never have. Even if I would I wouldn't do it over night, but slowly eat more and more, careful as fuck not to gain the weight again. I will never allow myself to get that fat again. Ever.

I wonder what it's gonna look like when my nipples fall off. Whenever that will be. The part of the scar I can see around them is about the same colour my nipples were in before the surgery. They will of course become paler with time, the scars, so maybe I'll tattoo there or something. I don't know. Gonna meet my surgeon again sometime in the summer, so I'll see what's the verdict.

Ugh, I have this feeling that someone's watching me right now, since I got back home from my family's place. Not with video cameras, but sort of magically, or astral somehow. It's weird. Anna says I'm just crazy and that only schizo's believe that stuff. It's a nice interpretation coming from an imaginary person...

I've had a few rough days with mild symptoms. I've seen messages directed to me (from car registration plates, street signs and in magazines), felt watched and that people are reading my thoughts. Shadows in the corner of my eye, something strange in the air, like ghosts or something. No voices other than Anna's and no real hallucinations though. I've been balancing on the edge between sanity and insanity again.

Oh, by the way. Sex change happening in the autumn!* Then I will (hopefully) be reassigned to legally male and get my new personal identity number and all that. My dream come true. Get a new ID-card. It's about time, it's broken and all already, even though it has one more year before it expires. Last time I got a new ID-card was right after my name change. Didn't think it would take four more years until I had to get a new one again... kinda hoped it would be sooner.

Don't know how I could have forgotten that was said during my meeting in Huddinge before. I've been thinking so much about K that I hardly think of or remember anything else. My mind is a mystery...



*I know I shouldn't use the words "sex change" because my gender has always been male, even though I was assigned female at birth, it's just that I find it simple to say.

Running from reality

Going to go to the gym today, not just have to, I'm really going. But I still haven't eaten and I don't think I can. Would it be a terribly bad idea to go there and work my ass off without having eaten in 24 hours? Sure it should be more effective, right? Burning off calories without adding any, I mean. Okay, I guess I can take a diet drink. But then I'll have to burn more than 180 calories. If I drink it all, that is. Maybe I'll just have half of it or something.

Gah, there's definitely something wrong with me if I think 180 calories for an entire day is too much... Don't wanna obsess about calories again. It was stressful enough last spring/summer. Though I do remember some of what I calculated back then, that one lump of sugar contains 16 calories for example. And one glass of milk about the same amount. Lol, that makes it like 50 calories in just one cup of coffee for me. Trying not to get bothered by that.

I'm so tense today, don't know why. Well I have been all week, probably just got too much on my mind lately. Exercise, food and K mostly. And that coat I'm making. Almost forgot about that one. I only have to get buttons now, if I can just get my ass off to the fabric store before they close down for good. If they do, I'll have to think of something else. Some other way to get buttons. It's been said that they're going out of business "sometime soon" for over a year now.

That damn diet drink contains sugar. What the fuck? I thought you're supposed to avoid that when you're on a diet to lose weight, which is what they are made for. I don't understand...

Just got back from the gym. Feeling kinda awesome after working out for an hour. Did only upper body today, and didn't forget my stomach muscles. There were a lot of people there today, and I don't know exactly why but I had a hard time knowing where to look. Didn't want to accidentally stare at someone. Lots of good looking people of all genders and my mind just kept wandering instead of focusing on what I was there to do.

I had so much anxiety prior to going to the gym. I don't know why I did. Just hoping that the more I go there the less anxiety I'll get because of it. Like getting used to it or something. Pretty sure I burned more calories than I ate today, which is kinda awesome. So now I don't feel bad sitting by my computer again and listening to insanely loud music.

What I can manage

Ah, finally a good night's sleep! And waking up almost alert at 9:11 (no kidding, that was what the time was when I opened my eyes, and I sleep with my cell phone right next to my pillow). So today I'm heading off to my family's place, sometime during the afternoon. Time for some listening to Concrete Blonde, as I lately kinda discovered them. Friends, you expand my music preferences. Just so you know.

My headache has gone down to a manageable level though still a bit intense. More than usual, that is. I think I'm still a bit drugged from the pills I took last night as well. Oh well, I took them for to get high but didn't think the effect would last for ten hours. Not that I complain though. Pathetic, I know. It's too hot in here and I crave more oxygen than normally.

And I smoke too much. Gonna go back to using nicotine patches again so maybe I can keep it down a bit. Need to go to the drug store to buy more. That, and more bandage, pledgets really. But who many knows that word? I didn't.

They changed my favourite diet drink. I don't like it. I think it's all the protein that makes it taste weird. I'm hungry, don't know what to do. The thought of food disgusts me and I don't think I can eat. Anything. My food and sleep problem still persist even though I feel better these days. Though those problems sure tries to bring me down. Sometimes they succeed. Now back to WoW.