Heart and will

I dreamt that my hair had grown out long again and that I was mad cause I had to cut it again. Even in dreams I don't want long hair anymore. Fell asleep around five this morning and went up just now, 14:30. I'm drinking cappuccino with Daim taste and it's really disgusting but I just wanted a change. It's way too sweet, even for me. So I guess a person who doesn't like sugar in their coffee would puke over this type of cappuccino.

They say you should live as if you'd die tomorrow, and with my future death chasing me, almost haunting me, it's kinda what I do. I think it gives me a certain drive to finally live properly. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, to know how you're gonna die and when-ish. But maybe I should try to see the positive about it. That I don't have all the time in the world, that every day is precious.

I'm feeling more lovesick again. Can't stop thinking about him. He's the last thing on my mind prior to going to bed and the first thing I think about as I wake up. He's in my thoughts constantly. And I miss him so very much.

I am so hungry, and I like it. I can control this, this is my life. Cause I wouldn't be alive without food, couldn't stay alive with it and now I'm locked in between. For someone who is never eating I sure talk a lot about food and eating. I'm reminded constantly by the pain in my stomach, so it's not easy to stop thinking about it. I've become close to obsessed with it.

But drinking is okay. So I drink energy drinks, diet drinks, coke, milk, lemonade, coffee, tea, juice and lots of water. Basically anything except for alcohol. Well, it does happen that I take a glass sometimes. Normally I only eat one or two sandwiches during the course of one day. Sometimes I replace one of them with a diet drink. And that is what I live on.

I took Imovane tonight but couldn't sleep anyway. Just please don't let me fall apart now... I've been trying so hard but not too hard what else can I do?
I'm still gonna go to gym today, even though I feel like crap. Still stick to my good habits such as the gym, taking walks, my skin and hair care routines and what else. Need to keep going, so maybe I can prevent falling to pieces again. Maybe, just maybe. It's all I can do, or at least I can't think of anything else to do but to take care of myself at the best of my ability... and still not eat.

That's probably what's bringing me down, isn't it? I'm not stupid, that thought has struck me before. Just didn't want to believe that. Will my bad eating habits be the end of me? Or will love?

My heart is in all the wrong places. Except for him. But does my love for K hurt me more than it heals? Of course, being in love with someone who might not love you back is always painful, the sadness it leaves you with. It's a heavy feeling, sometimes too heavy to carry.

I'm reading about transgender people and eating disorders. The thought that they can be related hasn't really struck me before. Only that they are in my case. Related, I mean. That I want to be thin to get rid of the female curves, not that I necessarily have an eating disorder. Not yet at least.

Ughh, I'm thinking about my suicide and I feel a lump in my throat. A specific scenario, the worst one can imagine. And I feel like crying. I cross my heart and hope that will never ever happen. To me or to anyone else.