Falling back

I just miss him so incredibly much today, I don't know what to do with myself. It hurts so much inside me. I get angry at everything, upset by everything else and sad over the rest. It's like everything is up side down and inside out. I'm freezing, but I was too warm just a minute ago, wearing the same clothes, sitting in the same room.

I'm waiting, but I don't know what for. Don't know why I even bother. It's late and I should go to bed, not skipping my sleeping pills and drinking an energy drink. I can't stop thinking about him, I haven't been able to focus on anything else this week. Not even when I play WoW or try to watch a movie. I just wish that he's thinking about me too. I wonder... he could be.

I'm not well, and I think I'm gonna ask my mother to contact my shrink on Monday. By then I will have had the whole weekend to think of what I should tell her and what to keep to myself. I've hinted that there's more to me that I can't be open about until after this whole trans deal is finished. But I don't think she understood.

I want to be open with her, you see. I don't know if I trust her though. But maybe I don't have to. I know she cares about me. Just that when she skipped a conference just to see me, that really made me realise how important I must be for her. As a patient, of course. I wouldn't want to be more than that.

But I need her. I've never met another shrink like her before. Someone who really listens and cares about me. Who's not overly interested in my self harm and suicidal tendencies, cause obviously there's more to me than that. I've always wanted to see someone who can see the whole of me, my reasons for such acts. Why I hate my life, why I'm such a chaos and why I think I don't have a future. All of that and more.

Things have become both better and worse in just these past two weeks or so. I could tell you why and how, but I don't want to. Everything has just become super intense and I can't really keep up. I just know I need to talk it out with someone in confidence. Now I'm just gonna try to play some more WoW and not do something stupid that I'll regret.