Heatstroke. I get heatstroke from the inside. Do you know what that is like? It feels like I'm on fire, but I'm not. I ate too much yesterday, so I have to go to the gym and work out a little extra with the cardio exercise. Just want to work off bad conscience and guilt. I buy fitness magazines and try to get some advice. Don't know if it's any good advice though. And I know I'm doing it wrong by starving and exercising at the same time. But I do it to lose weight fast.
They say you shouldn't starve because you'll gain the weight again when you go back to eating normally again. Bwah, they are so generalising! I won't go back to eating "normally" since I don't want to and I never have. Even if I would I wouldn't do it over night, but slowly eat more and more, careful as fuck not to gain the weight again. I will never allow myself to get that fat again. Ever.
I wonder what it's gonna look like when my nipples fall off. Whenever that will be. The part of the scar I can see around them is about the same colour my nipples were in before the surgery. They will of course become paler with time, the scars, so maybe I'll tattoo there or something. I don't know. Gonna meet my surgeon again sometime in the summer, so I'll see what's the verdict.
Ugh, I have this feeling that someone's watching me right now, since I got back home from my family's place. Not with video cameras, but sort of magically, or astral somehow. It's weird. Anna says I'm just crazy and that only schizo's believe that stuff. It's a nice interpretation coming from an imaginary person...
I've had a few rough days with mild symptoms. I've seen messages directed to me (from car registration plates, street signs and in magazines), felt watched and that people are reading my thoughts. Shadows in the corner of my eye, something strange in the air, like ghosts or something. No voices other than Anna's and no real hallucinations though. I've been balancing on the edge between sanity and insanity again.
Oh, by the way. Sex change happening in the autumn!* Then I will (hopefully) be reassigned to legally male and get my new personal identity number and all that. My dream come true. Get a new ID-card. It's about time, it's broken and all already, even though it has one more year before it expires. Last time I got a new ID-card was right after my name change. Didn't think it would take four more years until I had to get a new one again... kinda hoped it would be sooner.
Don't know how I could have forgotten that was said during my meeting in Huddinge before. I've been thinking so much about K that I hardly think of or remember anything else. My mind is a mystery...
*I know I shouldn't use the words "sex change" because my gender has always been male, even though I was assigned female at birth, it's just that I find it simple to say.
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