The war in my mind

I still haven't quite decided how I should celebrate tomorrow, but I'm thinking I can go to a coffee-house, sit out doors and draw a picture of K while smoking and enjoying a little treat of some kind. If the weather allows it of course. Still not anorexic enough to feel all that bad about having a cupcake or something sweet every once in a while. At least as long as it's very seldom and just a little.

I was thinking, the other day, that maybe I don't at all have an eating disorder. Maybe I'm just very determined to lose weight until I'm somewhat satisfied with my body and then I'll go back to my normal eating habits again. Maybe that's all this is. And that thought kinda calmed me down, like a sigh of relief almost. I hope it's true, but honestly I doubt it. I'm pretty sure this a downward spiral because of my obsession about it.

I'm still holding on to that I'm not quite there yet, that I still have some amount of sanity left within me when it comes to my weight loss obsession. Yet I'm prepared to say good bye to that sanity, when the time comes for that. Yeah, I'm willing so sacrifice that for getting thin, it's that important to me. But it feels like I'm losing a war and giving in for it is hard and scary. I don't want to be anorexic, I'm just willing to end up like that if it's the only way I can continue losing weight.

Crazy, desperate or just determined, I don't know maybe all three. It takes up a lot of space in my mind and the amount of it just increases all the time. My guilt for eating, my interest in counting calories, the stress that comes when I can't know how much calories something contains, the way I'm terrified of gaining weight or inches, the way I never think I'm not doing enough or pushing myself hard enough. How those thoughts eat me up every single day.

I've increased my dosage of the medicine Abilify now by the way, but I'm not sure how I think that will help or in what way. I don't have much psychotic tendencies now and my anxiety is very valid compared to the general anxiety that I experienced a lot before taking all the pills that I take for it now. I'm still very slightly psychotic, I think. I see signs and get vague messages, still believe in those mystical ghosts haunting me even though I don't see much of them lately.

I realise that my otherkin identity most likely is a delusion, because I think it's a bit crazy when I'm lucid, like right now. That it's a desperate excuse for finding something/somewhere I belong to. But I still and always believe in my past lives. They are real memories. I'm not sure how it goes together, but I still sense that I was a demon in those past lives.

Maybe I just see it as simply my past and not my present. Like I know that I'm human in this life, no matter what I was before this life, if that makes any sense. I've never felt that I'm human, I've always felt extremely alienated compared to everyone around me. When I look back at my early childhood, I get a sensation that being born was like being forcibly thrown into a nightmare.

Maybe that was true, or maybe my mind played tricks on me already very early on. I can never seem to figure out if I was born crazy or if I was just weird as a kid and got crazy when Anna came to me when I was 9 and still a child. However, sanity has never been such a big part of my life, whatever it's about. I know though, that I am rational in ways many mentally ill people aren't. But crazy isn't necessarily the same thing as being mentally ill to me. It's more complicated than that.

In all the ways I think that I'm crazy, isn't always what other people consider to be crazy. It's a thing of perception, a point of view, an opinion. What I don't think is normal, what is harming me or strange beliefs that aren't reasonable. That is what crazy means to me. An unusual way of living in my own mind that is harmful to me. People say such things can't be dangerous, but then they haven't been in my situation, now have they?

It's very dangerous to believe that I will come home when I die. It's very dangerous to rely so deeply and sincerely on emotions and random thoughts that I act upon them. It's also dangerous to believe delusions and hallucinations to be real when they tell me to do things that can have grave consequences. The war in my mind has led me to resort to suicide and self harm more times than I can count so don't you dare tell me my fantasy world isn't dangerous. It's not a fairytale, it's a nightmare.

Well that escalated quickly to something negative. I have a lot on my mind today and the day has just barely begun for me. I will most likely post more later today, so this will have to do for now. A lot of thoughts just continue spiralling to new places and I'm not sure where one thought ends and another begins. But it's not completely chaotic, just very well blended, like colours fading into each other.