Now I'm up so horribly early again. And only got 2 hours of sleep tonight, barely. (7:30 to 9:15). Will probably end up exhausted before the night fall today. These sleeping problems just seem to get worse and I think I know why. Stress related. All that worry and anticipation, anxiety, intensity, mood swings, personality shifts... it's not so strange that I break down.
The foundation crumbles. Food, sleep, drinking (water) and breathing is that foundation. The absolute vital needs for our survival. That foundation, those things, is why I can never become stable. It affects me deeply on many levels, yet I'm not committed enough to do something about it. I do try though.
God damn I try! You should know that. I don't just force myself out bed because it's so fun to watch the sunrise. I don't force feed myself once a day because I like a challenge. I don't forcefully sip water from a glass on my desk every day even though I don't like tasteless water, because it's so fun. I don't take the same route for a walk every damn day because it's so refreshing and jolly.
No, I simply do it in a desperate attempt to stabilise my life situation. Well, and trying to lose weight of course, but even that is related to my well being. To keep a circadian rhythm including some amount of daylight, eat something at least a little every day (it's the hardest cause my ghosts tell me I'm too fat and that I eat too much already even though it's almost nothing by now). I try to drink water because it keeps me hydrated, my mouth less dry (side effect from my medication) and it also makes my headache slightly better. Taking walks to get some oxygen, sunlight and getting in shape. Cause it helps being in a little better shape, in general like that, you know.
It's all just necessities. I hate eating, sleeping, drinking, exercising and all else that is that foundation everyone need in their life to be able to have a stable life. I experience a lot symptoms of being unhealthy because of this. I get dehydrated, grumpy, depressed, feel constantly weak and aching everywhere. I can't build much at all on that foundation without it falling apart. I's like trying to build a castle on a swamp.
Oh by the way, I told the crew just as they woke me up, that I want to change to another contact person. A little embarrassing since the person who woke me up happen to be my secondary contact person (didn't know I even had an extra). Lol, I even told her that I wouldn't mind having her as my contact person. But it's the main one that I dislike, so her suggestion was that they swap priorities or what to say. That number one becomes number two and vice versa. I said I'll try it out.
Hepp, got a new appointment with yet another person in health care purposes, who's name I've never heard of before. They called me sometime yesterday but it ended up in voice mail. I listened to the message several times but just couldn't figure out who she was and why I didn't know that we had an appointment. Got an invitation today for the meeting she said she couldn't attend too. But at least now I have a name and a number. Giving that to my mother to investigate what's going on.
All those people! Where do they come from and what do they want? Yeah, let's just throw some more care takers at mentally disabled John, the more the merrier! It makes me wonder. I want to become more independent, not more taken care of as if I was a baby by complete strangers who has it as their job to deal with my lack of skills in how to live my life. Getting tired of this now.
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