Blame it on me

I'm a bit proud of myself that I've only had 360 calories today. Two diet drinks, caffeine pills and water. That's all. So what, I've stopped drinking coffee now? I don't know, I just don't feel like stuffing myself full of unnecessary calories like that, when I can just take the pills to reach the same effect.

I'm more compelled than ever to lose weight now, and that fast. I want people to look at me in the summer and think of me as thin. If that means going down to 57, 55 or 50 kg I don't know. Somehow numbers under 60 seem very low to me, but they're not. They're not low for my height. I'm only 168 cm and 57 kg is within normal weight range. I know too much about this shit...

I'm so afraid of screwing up. No matter what situation, how much or how little. I fear it like nothing else. Afraid to be misunderstood, that people would take it the wrong way or become upset with me. But mostly it's because I would hate myself for it. I always do when I screw up with something, even the tiniest little thing and I can hate myself for the rest of my life because of it. Usually it's about things I've said.

But not in every situation. I'm not shy with K, not at all. In fact, I worry that maybe I'm too extroverted and clingy. Has he just kinda turned my whole world up side down? Yes. But I do worry about what to say to him. I believe I have a reason to worry. This fucking Asperger totally fucks up my ability to handle myself in any social situations. It's like a mental blocker, a wall that I have to dig myself through. It's very restraining and it always has been.

Tomorrow I will have half of my sandwich that I always buy. Only half. I've been saying I do that, but it's a lie. I did eat it half but then I took the other half later the same day. I'm not gonna do that in the future. Also I'm gonna have a little work out again tomorrow, then I'm gonna try to do that every day. Or well, 6 days a week so to rest one day.

I've been lazy, haven't gone to the gym in weeks. I just can't handle the anxiety and I don't want to take pills prior to going there. So I've just been starting to do some exercise in my own living room instead. I know some basic stuff and I do have a book about building muscles, somewhere...

Still can't decide if I should build muscles or just burn fat. Can I do both? By the way I voted today, feels good. Still not gonna argue about the selection, but I hope it goes well though. For me and the rest of the world that I don't care a shit about.

Massive update is massive, but I just have so much to say about everything today. I've really tried to cut it down, but seems impossible. Oh heck, who's gonna read it anyway. Self esteem issues, I'm working on that too.